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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Overprotective? How often does your 15 yr old go out?

61 replies

youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 16:30

So our dd is 15. She hardly goes out really. She’s been asked by a few of her friends to go out this weekend, late afternoon, evening time for something to eat. It means catching two modes of transport there & two back (one to get into the city centre & one to get the the place). We’re unable to give her a lift there or back.

DH is very protective & it’s always a straight ‘no’. Every time. By what dd says, her friends are ‘always going out’ are ‘allowed out everywhere at anytime, they can basically do as they want’.

I feel for her I really do. On one hand I want her to go, but on the other hand I do worry for her. She has been out before don’t get us wrong, we haven’t locked her up!

It’s just with things the way they are as well at the moment, it’s just a bit scatty, they haven’t really made any concrete plans of where to eat, so getting in anywhere is unlikely. I know she just wants to go out with her mates & not feel left out like she usually is, if that’s actually true!

Her dad will say no straight away. She’s already getting upset about it. Just out of interest how often does your 15 yr old go out?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/10/2020 17:56

Way over the top, both my DDs were out and about loads at 15 - both in the daytime and at night. As long as you know where they are and roughly who they are with then you have to let them get on with it.

NandosPeriometer · 07/10/2020 18:00

My dd had this problem at that age. She knew how to take public transport but she had friends who weren't allowed to get in a taxi or the bus with her which restricted meeting up.

She needs the confidence and knowledge before she goes to uni and stays out all night without him being the wiser. I think he's doing a great disservice to her not allowing a late afternoon meet up ffs

NandosPeriometer · 07/10/2020 18:04

getting in anywhere is unlikely.

You don't have to book a table beforehand at places like Nando's or fast food shops like McDonalds.

CatsArePeopleToo · 07/10/2020 18:08

This is not even protective, its possessive, borderline abusive. PPs speaking of her going to uni but will he even let her go to uni with this unhealthy attitude?

PamDemic · 07/10/2020 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apumpkinaday · 07/10/2020 18:11

He’s way too overprotective

whirlwindwallaby · 07/10/2020 18:14

My 14 year old caught a train then a bus with friends, before lockdown when he was 13. So I would let him do what you've described. He isn't going anywhere at the moment, I wish he would! Combination of actual restrictions, not being confident of what to do with all the Covid rules, and friends not wanting to or being allowed to do things.

TimetohittheroadJack · 07/10/2020 18:18

Way over the top. My 13 dd goes out with her friends on her bike, the bus or I give her a lift. They often go to local small city without any concrete plans,go to primark etc and then usually macdonalds, or KFC for food. She knows how to get public transport but also has a local taxi app on her phone that she can use in an emergency (linked to my card).

emptyshelvesagain · 07/10/2020 18:22

they haven’t really made any concrete plans of where to eat, so getting in anywhere is unlikely.

I don't really understand this. Why would they not get in anywhere? We are talking about going out for tea, it's really normal and you don't need concrete plans for this. Going with the flow and deciding later/on the day/at the time is absolutely fine. Kids eat in cheap chain restaurants or fast food joints, not Michelin starred restaurants. They will get in

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 07/10/2020 18:37

So, you know her friends, and know that she's unlikely to be hanging out at a local drug den, or getting off her face on vodka?

She's definitely at the right age to go shopping and out for food.

MarshaBradyo · 07/10/2020 18:42

He goes out whenever he likes. Just says I’m going to movies or meet up with friends. Takes pt. He’s sensible and does all the study and doesn’t go out loads. It’s nice to see.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 07/10/2020 18:51

@Hotelhelp. Thank you.

Yes, I do worry but not disproportionately. Obviously I don't want anything to happen to her. Nobody wants that. But I'm not going to say to my dd that she can't go to Nando's on a Saturday afternoon in case she gets murdered.

It's far more likely if I kept her at home that she would rebel against us somehow but that's not why really. It's because I'm want her to enjoy her life.

HowFastIsTooFast · 07/10/2020 18:54

Slightly different situation as we live in a relatively safe area and not a city, but DP's Nieces at 13 & 15 are hardly ever in. They're almost always out with friends on their bikes or at the beach. There's two of them obviously so they stick together but it sounds like your DD would be with her best friend anyway?

What's the reason that you can't drop her and pick her up which might provide some reassurance? If it's because you don't drive or don't have a car then your DH is going to have to hold his nerve and let her spread her wings a bit, it's not her fault that you can't reach that kind of compromise with her.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/10/2020 19:04

I agree that she needs to start going out with her friends or she’ll have no clue when she’s 18 and can do what she wants without parental permission.

The key is who her friends are and what they’re doing. My DD is also 15 and we know her close friends are sensible and wouldn’t attempt to go drinking in the park, etc. they’re out and about together most weekends, shopping, getting food, flirting with boys, etc. Never until late and we know where they are. I do offer a lot of lifts, mainly because then I can set the pickup times and know exactly where they are ( sneaky)!

DD did have one friend last year who had a reputation for trouble and we’ve encouraged that friendship to fade- lockdown really helped. She would try to get the other girls to go to over-18’s parties and generally act up. Luckily she now has a steady BF and spends most of her time with him. Plus DD has matured and understands that type of behavior isn’t on.

I always tell her she’ll be 18 herself soon enough!

Wetweekend99 · 07/10/2020 19:07

This is why is it so important to gradually let them become independent. It doesn't need to be such a shock to the system for you and her.

You need to let her go and enjoy herself.

Reddog1 · 07/10/2020 19:08

I feel a bit sorry for her. She’s missing out. Please stand up for her.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/10/2020 19:09

Bloody hell your dh sounds controlling. I thought my dad was bad which is why I lied to him constantly.
At 15 I was never in except to sleep and eat.

Imapotato · 07/10/2020 19:22

Your DH sounds very over the top protective.

Dd1 is nearly 16. She’s actually a bit of a home body and doesn’t go out loads, but I’d have no issue with her doing this if she wanted to. You said her friend is travelling with her, so she won’t be alone, so I really don’t see the issue.

Dd2 is only 12.5, but she’s the one who likes to be out and about. She’ll often walk the 2.5 miles into town to meet friends and she always makes plans for the weekend which I’m just informed of.

I’d tell your DH that she is going. You’ve already told her it’s fine and you can’t see what reason there would be to stop her going. You are her parent too, it’s not only down to him what she’s allowed to do.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/10/2020 22:26

Teenagers and plans just don't go together, they are impulsive and prone to change.

Pre covid I would let ds out wherever he wanted, he had his phone to call if needed, was reasonably sensible, friends were ok and I knew they would stick together.

Covid puts a completely different dimension to the scenario as they need to be aware of the rules and going places isn't as simple as showing up now, but if you are not in a lockdown area, her friends have been doing it, know what they are doing, and your dd is aware of and will follow the guidelines I would let her go.

BloggersBlog · 07/10/2020 22:33

Not sure if this helps or not Grin but anyway, a friend of mine likened kids to balloons (stick with me!) if you let a filled balloon's air out gently you can guide it and it'll land in a safe place.
But if you keep tight hold of it, never letting the air out, and all of a sudden let it go you have no idea where it will land.
It helps me anyway 😂 as I find letting go really hard, but I know I have to and mine have always come in at curfew time and so I can trust them more and more

Veterinari · 07/10/2020 22:35

If you aren't careful you'll have an inexperienced young woman who has been raised to appease a controlling man.
How well do you think that's going to pan out for her in relationships?

It is essential that you and your DH empower your DD to have confidence in her own judgement and decisions.

Otherwise you are putting her in a very vulnerable position

doodleygirl · 07/10/2020 22:42

You are doing your DD a massive disservice by not letting her grow and explore. How on earth do you expect her to navigate through teenage life if you don’t allow her the freedom of most 15 yr olds?

Pretty lousy parenting.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/10/2020 23:04

In two years' time she could be applying for university places. In a year's time she'll be in college and (hopefully) looking for part time work.
He needs to get a grip. He's smothering her.

Sweetchillijam · 07/10/2020 23:12

DD 15 goes out early afternoon on a weekend and is back home well before it gets dark & we arrange a time and pick her up as all her friends live in different directions. How late early evening are we talking? If you want to allow DD some freedom why can’t you pick her up if required OP?

mysticpistachio · 07/10/2020 23:12

I think of myself as over protective. I would let my 12 year old do this (but would prob drive her there). At 15 of course she should be able to get 2 buses. Christ at 11 my parents sent me to family in Ireland on a plane alone and on the way home I had to catch a bus to Dublin, I spent 3 hours there in the city on my own before getting another bus to the airport, checking myself in and flying home.

Let her have freedom otherwise she will lie to you and seek it out anyhow.

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