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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Any advice on how to help 15 yo DD deal with unwanted attention/comments from older men

54 replies

Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 10:55

My 15yo DD is frequently getting comments about her body (she is slim with big boobs) from older men in the street - when she’s walking to school, out with friends etc. I experienced the same at her age and while I didn’t like it I was quite balshy and confident at that age and I think I mainly told them to get lost in no uncertain terms (wasn’t as polite as saying ‘get lost’ I think...)

DD is very different in that respect though, she’s quite shy and understandably finds it intimidating and horribly uncomfortable. It’s making her feel quite anxious and self-conscious about her body.

What to do though? As much as I hate it and would happily throttle any man I found saying anything inappropriate to my daughter the issue isn’t going to go away, there are some complete pricks out there who won’t think twice about saying these things.

Does anyone have any advice about how to help her cope with this? Anyone been through similar? Thanks

OP posts:
Chameleon2003 · 27/08/2020 10:59

No advice - but watching with interest.
My dd is 17 and pretty much refuses to go anywhere on her own.
She gets men shouting out of cars/vans at her, sitting closer than they need to on public transport etc etc.
Makes me so angry.

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 11:03

It’s infuriating isn’t it? I can see my DD starting to hide herself under hoodies and baggy jumpers and it makes me really sad. I really don’t want it to get to the stage that she starts to stop going out.

OP posts:
Chameleon2003 · 27/08/2020 11:13

Yes - my dd wears big baggy hoodies to avoid attention. It's made her very wary of all boys/men that she doesn't know.

tootiredtothinkofanewname · 27/08/2020 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apple31419 · 27/08/2020 11:39

Oh god this happened to me when I was younger and I was very shy too. Its easy for people to give the advice "oh just tell them to get lost" but if you aren't super confident, it just doesn't come out right and they can tell.
I can still remember how painfully embarrassing it was, and crying from it and even now I'll avoid any scaffolding, roadworks etc when I'm walking by default, even though I'm too old for it to happen anymore!

I used to just wear baggy clothes if I was worried but that's not really ideal and not tackling the problem which is the blokes shouting at her.

Watching this post for when my daughter gets a bit older for nuggets of advice

Namechange8471 · 27/08/2020 11:41

I was the same op.

I got that fed up I used to shout ‘I’m 15 ya nonce!

Seemed to work.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/08/2020 12:20

You learn not to respond. You learn the stony face and icy stare. You learn to move away. You learn to be alert and avoid giving them the opportunity, when you can. You don't engage. You wear sensible shoes in case you need to run.

And you shouldn't have to do any of that. But I did, and your dd probably will, fifty years later.

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 13:04

@Namechange8471 that’s exactly the kind of thing I used to say. I got attention from age 12 and I think I used to get a bit of a thrill from saying f* off I’m 12/13 etc and getting a shocked response but I was pretty (over) confident and had a similarly loud group of friends. DD is very different and I don’t think she’d be able to bring herself to say anything. It’s maybe also not the best strategy anyway as I guess you don’t know what kind of low life’s you’re dealing with.

I suspect she’ll go more down the route @Hailtomyteeth has described, I know that this is how the world is but it’s so depressing how so very little has changed.

I will sit with her tonight and see if she’d like to work through some things she could say back but also I guess the focus needs to be on making sure that she knows none of this is her fault, it happens to lots of people etc and it isn’t right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 13:05

She is also an excellent runner, that’s her thing, she runs every day but that’s when she gets the shouting out of vans/cars etc - it used to the thing that made her feel strong and confident and I hate to think that it might start to be something that she dreads or avoids.

OP posts:
bookmum08 · 27/08/2020 13:08

Maybe tell her to just ignore and don't make any response. They are doing it to get attention. Don't give them that attention.
Saying "F- off" or "Oi I'm only 15" is giving them the response they actually want. Blank them. Make out they don't even exist.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 27/08/2020 13:17

I think sadly there are some sick men out there. I was never curvy or looked older but I still got attention from adult men from age 12. Rather than be horrified my mum was very proud, I will never forget being on holiday abroad age 12 and the guy behind the bar relentless pursuing me, I was so uncomfortable. My mum took photos of him with his arms around me and showed them to everyone on return saying look at this gorgeous guy that took a shine to our girl!
Never told anyone this and writing it down can't quite believe it!

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 13:38

@bookmum08 I think the ignoring them tactic is probably best for her while we also try to help her deal with how it makes her feel.

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide you know, my Mum never went to that extent but there was always an element of her being quite obviously pleased that boys/men found me attractive rather than any concern about it. I actually had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me from age 13. Thankfully he was most definitely “one of the good ones” but it was never questioned. If my DD1 told us that she had an older boyfriend I think we’d be very concerned and probably intervene. It’s only as my DD’s have got older that I realise how much my Mum refers to how people look in conversation - like she’ll be telling me a story about someone and will start with how they look i.e. she’s very slim and attractive, she’s overweight, she’s a bit plain etc...with accompanying approval/disapproval even though their appearance has absolutely nothing to do with the story. It drives me nuts and I’ve asked her to stop referring to anything to do with people’s looks and appearance in front of my DD’s. She understands but I don’t think she realises she does it - she seems to unthinkingly put a lot of importance on how attractive people are or how attractive other people may find them.

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 13:44

I agree with bookmum.
15 year olds, no matter how well developed they are, do not look like women. They have an air of vulnerability about them, even the bolshy ones.
These men know what they are doing.
Best thing to do is perfect the purposeful brisk walk and the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ straight ahead stare’.

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 13:48

@Nuffaluff you’re absolutely right and DD1 is so obviously a child, from what’s she’s wearing, how she walks and her face - I actually think she looks younger than 15, she’s got her Dad’s babyface features.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 13:49

The feminist in me is screaming “no” at what I’m about to write but these are strange new times and men are becoming more aggressive - the safest response from her is no response or a slight smile to appease them and make them feel acknowledged. They are doing it for a reaction. Her quickest way out of the situation is to give them a non confrontational reaction and keep on walking. Some of them get angry when you ignore them so it’s not always the safest option.

SittingAround1 · 27/08/2020 14:04

I had this as a teenager and started wearing the baggy clothed skater look. I think ignoring is the best option, so they're not sure if you've heard or not.

I also developed and still have a very brisk, purposeful, staring straight ahead walk when I'm on my own. I never loitered looking for the right street when going somewhere I didn't know, especially when coming out of a station, but kept walking around until I found the right direction.

I do remember one time when I was about 12-13, so very obviously underage, walking down a main street when a man pulled up in his car next to me, opened up the door and asked me to get in as he could give me a lift. It was quite scary, but I remained polite and said very firmly 'no thank you I'm fine' and didn't stop walking. He went away.

doodleygirl · 27/08/2020 14:09

There was a discussion about this very subject on Womans Hour a few months ago, might have been longer. They had two teen sisters on discussing what happens when they are out and about.

Might be worth a listen.

Some men are just scumbags.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/08/2020 14:12

This makes me so mad. DD used to get unwanted male attention (often from guys with kids in buggies!), from about 13 as she was very tall and developed quite young. It was bloody obvious she was a kid though and not a woman .... not that that makes it any better.

Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 14:17
  • the safest response from her is no response or a slight smile to appease them and make them feel acknowledged.
No response, yes. Slight smile, no. No need to appease those fuckers.
Itsjustabitofbanter · 27/08/2020 14:22

I’d get her to say ‘I’m 13’. It’s non confrontational, easy to say and the majority of men will shit themselves

NotDonna · 27/08/2020 14:23

It’s absolutely outrageous that our daughters are forced to experience this. Makes my blood boil!

Chapellass · 27/08/2020 14:24

My 16 year old DD gets the same and has since 10 (I kid you not but she was developed early). She is now quite assertive and had a string of fairly aggressive one liners, icy stares and frequently flips the bird at them.

That is her way now though and makes her feel better, she was less assertive at a younger age.

She has also taken photos and reported van drivers to named employers (branded vans / lorries) and also taken number plates and reported to the police.

The other thing I would really recommend is a self defence course she did - this was a turning point for her at 11-12. I really think this is worth considering both from a confidence and life skills perspective.,

This is where we went - There is a business arm premierself-defence.co.uk and a charitable arm - premierself-defence.co.uk/action-breaks-silence/ - and they will come and run courses at schools, youth clubs, but also run courses you can join as an individual - really really recommend. We did it as mother and daughter at her school

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 14:26

No need to appease those fuckers.

I wish that were true, believe me, but unfortunately there is an actual urgent need to appease them. Pride can’t come above safety when a girl is being targeted by one of these scumbags. Some of them really won’t accept being ignored.

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 14:27

That should say but unfortunately there is an actual urgent need to appease some of them.

Notbeinghonest · 27/08/2020 14:33

Your daughter may not have the headspace whilst it happens, but she could take a photo of the van/lorry/site/company and pass them onto you, then you can ring the boss to complain. If they won't do anything make a complaint to the police. It's sexual harassment, and of a minor too. Disgraceful.