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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Any advice on how to help 15 yo DD deal with unwanted attention/comments from older men

54 replies

Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 10:55

My 15yo DD is frequently getting comments about her body (she is slim with big boobs) from older men in the street - when she’s walking to school, out with friends etc. I experienced the same at her age and while I didn’t like it I was quite balshy and confident at that age and I think I mainly told them to get lost in no uncertain terms (wasn’t as polite as saying ‘get lost’ I think...)

DD is very different in that respect though, she’s quite shy and understandably finds it intimidating and horribly uncomfortable. It’s making her feel quite anxious and self-conscious about her body.

What to do though? As much as I hate it and would happily throttle any man I found saying anything inappropriate to my daughter the issue isn’t going to go away, there are some complete pricks out there who won’t think twice about saying these things.

Does anyone have any advice about how to help her cope with this? Anyone been through similar? Thanks

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 14:41

I really don’t think that we should teach our daughters that if a predatory man says ‘nice tits love’, she should smile at them.
If I’d done that as a teenager, instead of perfecting my resting bitch face, it would have had a detrimental affect on my self esteem.
You scare me so I’ll smile at you? I don’t think so.
I think the best response is no response.

Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 14:42

Effect not affect

Whiskeylover45 · 27/08/2020 14:55

Blank cold stare till they look away. Look them up and down and snigger to yourself.
Shout back "so you like 15 year old girls, do you? Pervert." Then walk away.

Maybe that was just me though.

But another one for rehersing go to responses for when it happens. I am genuinly sorry it is though

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 15:09

I really don’t think that we should teach our daughters that if a predatory man says ‘nice tits love’, she should smile at them.

No, we shouldn’t teach them to wear hoodies, quicken their pace, change their route home or carry their keys between their fingers either but we have to. Because men exist.

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 15:13

The bottom line is we have to teach our daughters to do a lot of things we’d rather not have to, to try and lessen the risk from predatory men. You do what works for you. Others will do what works for them. OP asked for suggestions. You don’t have to use any of them.

Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 15:20

smallsteps
But a girl wearing a hoody, or carrying keys as a weapon, or walking quickly, if she chooses to do those things, is not debasing herself.
She is protecting herself.
Smiling at a disgusting, predatory man is an act of submission. It is saying ‘please nice man, yes thank you for the compliment, please don’t hurt me.’
That is something I would never do, or recommend that a girl should do because I’m a feminist. We should not have to beg men not to insult us.

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 15:20

@doodleygirl thanks for that, Women’s hour is a great source of features on things like this, don’t think I heard that one so will look it up.

@Chapellass the self defence course is a great idea, feels like a very practical thing we could do which may help.

It is absolutely infuriating that women and girls have to change their behaviour/appearance to try and stay safe. DH and I have always taken a stance if neither of our daughters should have to edit the way they want to dress, it’s the people who display the unacceptable behaviour that are the problem but that doesn’t stop it happening. DH has offered to walk 50m behind her and if she gets any hassle to text him a description and he’ll deal with them once she’s passed...I don’t think he’s joking but she’s declined the offer!

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 15:37

I’m not going to argue with you @Nuffaluff. Ive given my advice to the OP. As have others. They can decide what works for them.

Nuffaluff · 27/08/2020 16:19

Okay smallsteps
I just couldn’t let it go because the advice ‘smile and they might leave you alone’ is really bad advice.
Predatory men would see a smile as an invitation.

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 16:36

In your opinion. Let’s leave it there now.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/08/2020 16:53

No smile. A smile, no matter how small, encourages them. No eye contact. If it seems extreme, remember that we're discouraging not just interaction but being groped, raped, murdered. Or just being perved on by sleazy blokes and having your flesh crawl.

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 17:37

So what do you suggest when ignoring has the opposite effect of what you want and angers them so they keep on?

Smallsteps88 · 27/08/2020 17:38

The truth is there really is no predicting which is the right response and how the predator will react.

Epwell · 27/08/2020 17:42

Tanith Carey is writing about these issues in the Daily Mail and The Telegraph - take a look about what she has to say and the normalisation of porn culture. You might not like the papers but you can't disagree with what she says.

Mischance · 27/08/2020 17:45

I think that ignoring it is the way to go - just as you would a toddler having a tantrum. These sick blokes are not worth wasting energy over.

glitterballbag · 27/08/2020 17:54

My 14 year old daughter gets it constantly, it's absolutely awful. She shouts "fuck off paedo" at them.

haveagoodyear · 27/08/2020 17:56

I think theres a change.org petition to make street harassment a crime.

Disgusting that it happens. Happened to me since 12 and I have a DD who I'll have to worry about once she reached her teens.

I still see men ogling girls in uniforms when out and I find it sickening.

SittingAround1 · 27/08/2020 19:21

Smallsteps88 if ignoring means they carry on I used to pretend I hadn't heard properly, remain polite and say something like 'excuse me but I'm really in a hurry' and practically run off.

I also did a martial art at a relatively early age. It's really good at preparing you for any eventual attack. I've never had to use the skills I learned though so who knows how effective it would be but it gave me confidence.

I never make eye contact with any male on public transport.

Ariela · 27/08/2020 19:23

My DD has a few eg 'act your age not your shoe size'

Crystal87 · 27/08/2020 19:45

I used to hate this as a young girl. I couldn't go over the door without a sleazy comment or unwanted compliments from men and boys. Telling them your real age works, if they're obviously a lot older. I think a lot of teenage girls can look older than they are, but men still know they are young and know that they are being intimidating and humiliating the girl, which is why they do it.

SittingAround1 · 27/08/2020 19:58

Also if I get a taxi/uber by myself I have always phoned or pretended to phone someone as soon as I get in the car to say where I am and that I'll be home in X minutes

MarshaBradyo · 27/08/2020 20:02

No don’t smile. Blank them, no eye contact.

I wouldn’t shout back they probably enjoy it.

RevIMJolly · 27/08/2020 21:43

Headphones and resting bitch face,

She doesn’t need to listen to anything in them but it will give her an excuse to just ignore them.

So sorry to hear about this. How dare these pigs do this to any woman, let alone a young girl.

Original poster
Bellebelle · 27/08/2020 21:50

Thanks @RevIMJolly yes, she wears her airpods a lot, often without anything playing in them. I had never really thought about it but she probably wears them as a signal that she’s blocking out the outside world.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 27/08/2020 21:58

It's so, so hard and makes me so sad that this is still an issue, and one with no good solution. Part of me wants her to tell them to fuck off but, leaving aside that you think she wouldn't feel comfortable doing it, I'm not actually sure it's a good idea anyway. I used to do it and it escalated things a couple of times, one of them very badly (it ended up in one of the most frightening situations I've ever been in) so I stopped. Which isn't right or fair - they should fuck off so why shouldn't they be told to? - but I couldn't in conscience tell a teenager to do it in case they, too, ended up in an even more scary situation. Trying not to acknowledge them in any way is probably the most sensible approach (though not a guarantee, I've been called a 'stuck up bitch' for that before) but I have so much sympathy for your daughter, it really is so shit and unfair that men make her feel like that.