Partner and son don't get on

[DebbieSWFC]

My DS is 15 next month and is addicted to his PS4. He does play cricket and football and has a few friends which he goes out with when he can be bothered. My partner says he is the rudest spoiled child he has ever known. He picks at everything like if ds walks into the room and doesn't speak or if he asks me to get him a drink or asks me to cook tea. It is really getting me down because ds is now wanting to be with his dad more and I feel like I am losing him. I am feeling very down and get accused of been weak and too soft on him. Partner gets angry if I try and reason with him and says I am sticking up for "the spoiled little brat". He will have times when he won't speak to ds because of his behaviour and has now stopped eating and started drinking because of the stress. He does have a stressful job which makes it worse

My partner would be out the door if he spoke to/about my child like that. How can you sit by and let him treat your son like that?!

The first time a boyfriend called my child a spoiled brat would be the last time - they'd be out on their ear.

How long has he been part of your life? Is it your partner who's stopped eating and started drinking? If so, all the more reason to get rid.

You will lose him. Poor DS having to live with your partner who dislikes him so much and is rude enough to ignore him, pick on everything he does and speak about him in such an awful way.

The healthiest thing for everyone in this situation is for you and your DP to separate OP.

What the actual fuck. Anyone who thought half that about my son would be out on their arse.

I have thought about leaving so many times now but I am worried how he will react. He had already said he would want all the money back he had put into the car and I just don't have the money. I feel so trapped

You should obviously be more concerned with how your child will react to you allowing your choice of boyfriend to bully him. Can he go and live with a relative while you choose to stay with your vile boyfriend?

Put your son first. Do whatever it takes and look after your DS. Your partner sounds horrible in any case.

I am very concerned about my son more than anything. My partner has made me feel like it is my fault that this is like this and that is why I needed to get some opinions because i feel completely lost

Fuck him and fuck his money spent on the bloody car. Tell him to get out and change the locks. Don't continue to be a mother who puts their boyfriend ahead of their child.

What's the financial situation, OP? Who moved in with whom?

Ffs op, put your child first!! Your partner is an abusive twat. You’re already starting to lose your child as he’s spending more time at his dads to avoid the situation in your home. Your financial situation shouldn’t come into it, there’s benefits available to those needing help after leaving a partner. If you’re worried about his reaction then phone women’s aid and notify the police. You don’t allow your child to be abused because you’d rather an easy life. Your sons too young to do much about this right now, but at some point he’ll put himself first and walk away from this man who’s making his life a misery, and his mother who allowed it.

Leave your piece of shit parter right this second and beg your son for forgiveness.

Agree with other pp re. Partner- ltb. But - your 25 yr old asks you to get him a drink??? Why can he not do that himself?

*15 yr old

@CheshireCats

Agree with other pp re. Partner- ltb. But - your 25 yr old asks you to get him a drink??? Why can he not do that himself?

He’s 15, not 25. And I’ve just asked my 12 year old to make me a cuppa, I’m 35?

We both rent a house together and a lot of the stuff in the house is shared. I do work but don't have much in the way of savings but I am looking for somewhere to go

I don't want to be seen as a mum who puts the boyfriend first which is why I am getting my head straight so I am strong enough to leave

My Bf of many years had a go at me for seeing Dd during lockdown, (none of us live together)
There is no more Bf.
Dd may be an independent 18yr old but she's my Dd and if she needs me, she needs me, if he doesn't get that now he never will.
Get rid of the partner.

@DebbieSWFC

We both rent a house together and a lot of the stuff in the house is shared. I do work but don't have much in the way of savings but I am looking for somewhere to go

This situation needs to end op. Depending on which route you want to take, you could potentially have him taken off the tenancy and removed from the property if you really wanted to stay there. There’s a few different ways of going about this. Otherwise could your son go to his dads temporarily and you stay with a friend/relative so you could save up for a new property quickly?

Hi @DebbieSWFC I have been in this situation. It’s a tough one. Easy for others to say leave and put your child first (why does anyone have to come ‘first’) The problem is while your ds should not dictate your love life (that was my situation may not be yours), your dp actually doesn’t like your ds at all. I’ve had step kids too and it’s hard but I actually liked them! If I didn’t it would have been impossible.

It took me a long time to act, too long and damage was done while I waited for it to improve. That was a big mistake.

You could leave or it might still be salvageable- but your dp is going to have to work hard to save it. He needs to show you he’s willing to do that.

If you do nothing you stand to lose your son. Honestly it happens easily.

Your son sounds pretty normal to me (I have one the same age). Of course you should pull him up on rudeness, but your partner sounds awful. No wonder your son would rather be with his dad.

Your son should definitely come first but I would also look at your relationship with your son and his behaviour in case there is some merit to his concerns. Is your son rude or entitled or is his behaviour towards your partner or you particularly so?

@DebbieSWFC

I don't want to be seen as a mum who puts the boyfriend first which is why I am getting my head straight so I am strong enough to leave

The way you’ve worded this is a little concerning...

You should be gathering your strength to end it because your partner is being nasty about/to your son and this is hugely damaging to him, not because you’ll look bad otherwise. You have a choice about being in this situation, your son does not (which is why he’s choosing to stay at his dad’s more). That’s a horrible place to be, trapped with someone who despises you. For his sake you have to end it with your partner. He’s not good for your son, and he’s not good for you either.

But motivation needs to come from the right place otherwise you won’t ever do it.

Take courage. You have the inner resources to do this, you just have to learn how to access them. You will get there.

So your ds is the problem and that's why your DP is drinking? Pull the other one.

He can demand money back from you but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it. Don't use that as a reason not to get away from this situation. Your son is never going to forget that you put your DP and the car above him and his happiness.