Partner and son don't get on

[DebbieSWFC]

My DS is 15 next month and is addicted to his PS4. He does play cricket and football and has a few friends which he goes out with when he can be bothered. My partner says he is the rudest spoiled child he has ever known. He picks at everything like if ds walks into the room and doesn't speak or if he asks me to get him a drink or asks me to cook tea. It is really getting me down because ds is now wanting to be with his dad more and I feel like I am losing him. I am feeling very down and get accused of been weak and too soft on him. Partner gets angry if I try and reason with him and says I am sticking up for "the spoiled little brat". He will have times when he won't speak to ds because of his behaviour and has now stopped eating and started drinking because of the stress. He does have a stressful job which makes it worse

My Ds does say please and Thankyou sometimes but not for everything which I do pull him up on. He can be spoiled and the split with my husband did not help. But saying that I don't give him everything he wants and as for attitude he seems like every other teenager

@Ninkanink I do word that wrong. What I meant was I am wanting it over because of the effect it is having not how I look at all

@tribpot I am seriously not putting my do and car over ds. That was just part of the situation. I would not have come on here if I wasn't serious about finding a way out. Sometimes people can manipulate you to do what they want and you get so low that you can't see it

this makes me so sad, this was my youth (DF and SM).

Tell your son you love him. Tell him he is more important. Tell him you are both leaving or partner is. Show him how much you care.

Stop fannying around ‘finding the strength’, put on your big girl pants and show this dude the door. The hell with the car finance, its just a car. Same goes for furniture, they’re just sticks and stuff.

Every day you allow this to go on you are fracturing your relationship with your son and showing him you do not care. its your job as parent to make it right or there’s every chance he’ll be gone at 16 and won’t look back. I did.

I don’t mean to be harsh, this is the reality you face if you procrastinate.

@notasportymum I tell him I love him all the time and I will do something about this because he is the most important thing in my life and I am not about to lose him

15 year olds can be a nightmare, but I agree with other posters. My eldest hated my ex, with very good reason as it turned out and I was determined to remain blind to it for ages. I say this because I chose to dismiss her concerns because I loved him and I will never stop feeling ashamed of not listening to her, and taking her seriously because "she was just a stroppy teenager" in his eyes.

Please, for the sake of your relationship with your son, end it now. You don't need strength, you don't need money, you don't need reasons. You just need to do it, and mean it. Your son needs to see that he is valued, and that you wont put a bloke before him - especially one who is so vile to him, otherwise he'll be off at his dads and you'll be sat wondering how you let it happen.

I don't want to be seen as a mum who puts the boyfriend first which is why I am getting my head straight so I am strong enough to leave

I think it's a bit more complex than that. It's not about which side you are seen to pick, but about whether there is any truth in what's being said and how you feel about that.

Obviously your partner is expressing himself harshly, but are his complaints reasonable? Or is he being totally unfair?

It can be difficult for step-parents at times as they don't have the same rose-tinted glasses as parents, which makes it harder to ignore rudeness or bad behaviour. Not to say your son is rude or badly behaved! But I can potentially see how him spending hours holded up on a Playstation, then walking into a room and not saying a word and asking you to get him a drink instead of getting it himself at 15 years old could annoy your partner.

'don't get on' is minimising the situation. Your boyfriend is bullying a fourteen year old child in his own home.

There are plenty of children who have spent far more time on games consoles than they would have done otherwise during lockdown. Your son isn't the only one. For many teenagers it's been a way to keep in touch with their peers.

@DebbieSWFC good to hear. its time to SHOW him.

my DF says he loves me too, even now in the occasional text I get and I don’t believe it for a second because he didn’t show it. Saying it and showing it are worlds apart when someone is doing this to a child, and he is a child. DF showed me it was OK to be bullied and belittled, and if I ever tried to talk to him he included SM so all confiding ever did was make my situation much worse for me. It reached a point where she controlled all contact and was ever present, we never had time alone together as father and daughter from me being about 18 years old or so. I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes with the man in the last 20 years and I’m glad - please don’t be that parent.

This won’t improve unless you act, nobody else can do it for you.

@notasportymum It sounds familiar that he is ever present. That is not what I want because if that happened I would be devastated. I couldn't let that happen

its already happening.

Op, you know you need to leave. Your ds needs your support until he is mature enough to cope on his own, at least another 5 years or so.

But to be honest, I'd dump the partner anyway, it sounds like he is trying to engineer situations to drive your ds away intentionally.

Which means he is a nasty git and you just don't need that. It's not going to end in happy ever after.

God that sounded like I’m being a bitch. I’m not. I’m trying to help you and your DS in a way I wish someone had helped me when I was 14.

The car, the house, everything it's just 'stuff'. Stuff that you might lose, yes. But is losing this stuff more important than losing your son? I hope I don't sound too harsh and I really wish you and your relationship with your son well 😊

I was in this situation. Mine was more complex in that we owned a house together, had two small children together but my ex was abusing me and my older two. It was horrendous but I found the courage to end it. It's had a terrible effect on my older two. Thankfully they no longer have to see him although my little ones now get the rubbish through court ordered contact. It's 100% doable. You may need support from women's aid to help. Also if he becomes abusive please contact the police.

OP I was in your DS's place for a long time and my relationship with my Mum has never fully recovered. She trivialises it and thinks because I was younger at the time that I don't remember the times (and times, and times again) when she chose her BF(s) over me but let me tell you that I remember every single instance.

Please do the right thing as soon as possible, for both of your sakes.

Well after reading your posting history I feel sorry for your DS, you leave his father, use your current partner for support, he is living with you and your DS very quickly and your partner is jealous and accuses you of having an affair with your ex. You are not putting your DS first, you have brought an abusive jelaous man into his life and you feel unable to do anything. Your DS will likely move into his dads home unless you do something about this

@HowFastIsTooFast @picosdeeuropa I know I have been stupid, not leaving his dad because he used me for years but for moving dp in. I have ruined everything and believe me sometimes I think ds would be better off without me but I am trying now to do something

Have you got someone in real life you can talk to and help? Don't be down on yourself, you are doing the right thing. By leaving the relationship you are showing your son he is valued and loved by you.

Don't let this man make excuses for his drinking and his attitude.

Parenting teens is bloody hard work at the best of times and you need to find a man who will stand by your side, not make you and your son feel a big pile of shite.

Good luck

I am confused - did you move your DS in with this man or has this man moved in with you?

I appreciate it is easy for us keyboard warriors to screech for you to do the right thing, alot easier said than done. But it sounds like you know things arent right and are worried about your DS. If your scared of your DP can you get some help?

You have not ruined everything. Deep breath. Tell your partner this relationship isn't working for you and he needs to leave. Don't listen to any promises he will change or it's not that bad, or he's only trying to help. My xh was an abusive twat and he was similar to how you describe with my ds. He did leave when I asked him to (that was part of his pattern of abuse leaving me until I learned my lesson) but I never saw him again and divorced him online. It CAN be done

Children come first OP, come on. No matter how difficult it is.

no screeching here 🙄

its not too late OP.

even now, if DF could honestly say he was sorry or even acknowledge the misery they caused we might have a chance at spending a bit of time together before he carks it. But probably not, he contacts me occasionally but still calls any mention of my childhood or toxic SM ‘crazy talk’ and that’s his loss, because at this point in my life I really don’t care either way.

@picosdeeuropa dp moved in with us and we shared the rent.

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 He often tells me how all the people he tells about my ds think it is weird and they can't believe I let him do what he wants. When I came out tonight to take ds football training that he would be making a few phone calls to people to make sure he was right