Punishments for drugs/alcohol

[Jilliangrace]

I know this forum might only be for parents but I have an important topic I'd like to get some insight and advice on. I just turned 17 and me and my mom have been struggling a for years. I wont lie, I'm not the best child out there, I struggle with mental health and have been through many high schools till I found one that worked for me. I occasionally drink or smoke seed and I have a record of lying to my mom. I'm not proud of it but I have always felt so held back by her helicopter parenting and strictness. Although my mom has reasons to worry I have been doing really good the past year or so (according to everyone except my mom) I have a job, I go to school and I'm working on getting my license! Anyways, about three weeks ago my mom finally let me out to see friends (I had to push her on it alotttt) me and about four or five other friends went to the beach to hangout for the day. I didn't plan to drink but one of my friends pulled out some alcohol and I decided to have a few drinks! I was not trashed, not even close... but when I got home my mom said she could smell alcohol on me, and I also came home 10/15 mins past curfew (my phone had died but I didn't plan on being late) long story short we got into a brawl and I have been fully grounded for the past 3 weeks.... is this normal? My other friends mom found out she drank but only grounded her for a few days before she was aloud out again! I had my phone taken away too the first few days... it's been three weeks and this past week I have been bugging my mom on when I can go out again... and she said she has no clue but she won't let me out until we have multiple "family talks" with my counsellor (which could take weeks) is my mom doing the right thing? I know I shouldn't be drinking and I take full responsibility for that... I know it's my fault but why do I feel like it's so unfair? Why do I feel so mad at my mother? I miss my friends, it's summer break and corona cases are very low where I live (BC, Canada)

Hi @Jilliangrace. I'm not a mum yet (I'm actually 17 too) but I will probably be in a couple years. If I'm being honest I think that you've unintentionally really hurt your mum and worried her a lot- I know it's not easy to see when you're out with your friends, but she's raised you from a tiny baby and it must be difficult to watch your baby lie / get drunk / do drugs etc (speaking as someone who no longer speaks to her parents, but understands their perspective on similar situations a lot more now). I think speaking to her honestly will always work more efficiently, as well as accepting her response to how you behave - if she's reasonable then she'll appreciate this, and if not then you will have the capacity to leave in a year or so. You just need to focus on the kind of character values you want to have, and how you would behave if you were your mum- I know it's fun to do this stuff, but maybe keep it within reason and wait till you're not living in her house.
Just an idea! x

What on earth are two under 18's doing on Mumsnet?

@OrangeLavenders I figure OP is trying to get a perspective on what other mums would do in the situation in order to relate to her own mum (which I don't think is unreasonable, but correct me if I'm wrong!)

As for myself, I'm intending on being a parent in the not-so-distant future which involves some education, in my opinion.

peach Just read your thread about being a SAHM. You sound very lovely, but it sounds as if you have plans to become pregnant very young and then become a SAHM in addition to that?

I would proceed with caution. Lots of successful and financially stale women are SAHM's after a career or have husband's with very very good careers

@OrangeLavenders Thank you for getting some context before coming to an immediate judgement! I was interested in what SAHMs do after having children as an attempt to NOT have a 18 year plan and then get a bit stuck after that- I'll be getting a degree, taking on some part time work around the time of having a child (and taking breaks if need be), so that my options aren't limited. However, I'm going to be taking on an online degree as well as hopefully online freelance work, so that I can try and facilitate the 'perks' of being a SAHM- fortunately I am in a position where my husband has a very secure job and so I have the choice to take breaks / make my own path without financial insecurity.

Sorry for the long message, hope that clears things up (especially about being 17 and on mumsnet ) x

Well, I am a Mum, I have 17 and 14 year old sons and I am in the UK.

Firstly, the age of alcohol in BC is 19 and I have no idea how strict the law is there on enforcing underage drinking fines etc (ie I have holidayed in Florida where a minor cannot even hold an unopened drink) it doesn't matter how drunk or sober you were, you were drinking, illegally.

With regard to punishing you - she cares, she cares so much she is willing to piss you off, make you compare her to your friends' Mums, complain at her, nag her. She is willing to do all that, it would be easier for her not to care, to have you out doing God knows what, wherever, and with whoever. To quote Ryan Reynolds, he said I love my wife but I would have used her as a human shield to protect my daughter.

You drank, you use drugs, you were late home. All these things add up to her trying to protect you, these friends you are hanging around with have access to alcohol and drugs. You are 17, you feel like you know everything but you really don't. You are unable to see consequences of your actions, if you were caught doing drugs, what could the police do? Could you have a criminal record for the rest of your life which could prevent you travelling to some countries or have to declare it on every job application you ever make?

She loves you. A lot. Take the punishment. Try to think of why you felt you wanted or needed to drink when out with your friends.

I meant to @Jilliangrace so it pings them.

Also @peachpuppy, always prepare for a "plot twist" with your life or multiple plot twists. I am a SAHM and have been for almost 16 years. That was a plot twist, ie unplanned. But being a SAHM is not all lollipops and rainbows. Get that degree, get some job experience and when you can volunteer to keep your skills up to date. I have no plans to work in the future but mainly because I have a disability and we are very comfortable on Dh's salary alone.

It's all about building up trust again. I have a 23 year old who was great about keeping in touch, normally being where she said she was going to be and chatting to me about her friends. We had a good level of understanding and I trusted her judgement as we had lots of discussions about what to do in any situation.

But I have another child who doesn't sound a million miles away from you. MH problems, drink, drugs, lack of contact when out. My level of worry is way higher when she is out as I know I won't know where they are, what they are doing or who with. I know that the situations that she could get into could be worse and I don't trust her judgement in the same way.

Instead of nagging her about going out, ask her advice, admit you did wrong, say what you will do differently next time and most importantly stick to what you say you will do. Then you can build trust, get advice and learn from getting yourself in a situation.
The more she knows, the more she will trust you and understand that you can cope. She is acting out of worry and concern, not being a power crazed mother, I don't think.

So the first time your mum allowed you out, after being grounder because of drinking and drug taking, you get drunk, let your phone die and come home late. Yeah I would be pretty annoyed if I was her. Sounds like she thinks this could develop into a problem.

@peachpuppy taking it from someone who unintentionally got pregnant at 17. Don't be so stupid!

@BluePaintSample Thank you for your concern - I am going to try to be as educated as a person can be before entering parenthood for the first time. I chose a partner with relatively strong morals, so that even if our personal relationship ends he will still care about and support our future child / children.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion The difference is - I wouldn't be pregnant at 17, my pregnancy wouldn't be an accident, and I will have been able to get myself to a place of better security / education as I have more time to prepare. I'm sorry you consider yourself 'stupid' for getting pregnant at 17 (which I don't consider you as), but from what you've said it seems like I have a stronger foundation and will be older than when you had your baby. Thank you for your concern.

I was 18 when I had my baby and yes, it would be even more stupid to plan a pregnancy at that age. You are still a child.

By better security do you mean relying on the man to bring in the money, since you already plan to be a sahm?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion In the country I live, you legally become an adult at age 16 (this doesn't entail drinking, for example, and you are essentially a protected adult- but considered an adult nonetheless). If I intend on having a child at 19 / 20 ish, then I will not legally, socially or emotionally be a child. My plans to be a SAHM are still being thought out and reevaluated, but I would at least (as I've said upthread) get a degree and fulfill some part time work. When my child / children got to nursery or school age, I would genuinely consider going into full time employment - and whatever choice I made, providing my child / children was safe and in a stable environment, it would be my and my partner's decision to make.
I'm sorry you are upset about your own experiences.

Can we just focus on the OP, rather than a PP post about wanting to be a young mum?

I'm all for that.

So the first time your mum allowed you out, after being grounder because of drinking and drug taking, you get drunk, let your phone die and come home late. Yeah I would be pretty annoyed if I was her. Sounds like she thinks this could develop into a problem.
Exactly this. You have repeatedly broken her trust and disrespected her. If you had have gone out, not drank and come home on time you wouldn’t be in this situation. I think it’s time to start taking some responsibility and thinking about the consequences of your actions. Your friends punishments are irrelevant.

You also have mental health issues. Your mum isn’t trying to curb standard childhood boundary pushing, she is terrified her child is going down a very very bad path. Drink and drugs will only be making your MH issues worse, and she doesn’t want that. She wants a happy and healthy child. I imagine in the 15 minutes you were late all sorts was running through her head.

At the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and show your mum you can be trusted. Because right now all she sees is a vulnerable teenage girl who, every time is given a little bit of trust, does something to destroy it. Your poor mum.

@peachpuppy being a legal adult doesn't mean you are ready for a child.
You sound very patronising and smug in all honesty so let's hope you grow out of that before you become pregnant.
17 years in the world isn't long, and your life experience so far is pretty much zero, but you crack on.

Can we just focus on the OP, rather than a PP post about wanting to be a young mum?

I have given my opinion on the OP. They haven't been back 🤷

The OP has no big problem here except, a mum who is trying to protect her and look out for her best interests, but she wants other adults to tell her how wrong her mother is, and she should be allowed to do what she like because she is 17 😂.
What she can do is either suck it up, live by her mother's rules and probably do better for future self in the long run, or move out and go it alone, so she can drink and take drugs till her hearts content. I wonder how well that will work out for her.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I'm sorry if you consider me patronising and smug. I consider calling other women "stupid", "children", and "having no life experience" when you have no personal experience of knowing them much more patronising and smug. If I feel in a few years that I am not ready to have a child, I will not have a child - however, you disagreeing with my decisions based on your own previous experiences is probably not something I'll factor in. Again, thank you for your concern.

You're sorry in every post. That's not patronising and smug, I'm being realistic. It's not patronising to call you a child. You are a child.

Then your realism is different from my realism. Simple as that.

Well you are only 17, and have some not so clever plans for the very near future, so I can't say that surprises me.

I accept your perception is that I'm a child- if that's what you believe, then believe it. But arguing with a supposed child on the internet for hypothetical children she will have later on down the road, and calling her stupid for it? Doesn't sound like very adult behaviour.

😂 yes you are so mature.

Do you know the difference between a perception and a fact?