Punishments for drugs/alcohol

[Jilliangrace]

I know this forum might only be for parents but I have an important topic I'd like to get some insight and advice on. I just turned 17 and me and my mom have been struggling a for years. I wont lie, I'm not the best child out there, I struggle with mental health and have been through many high schools till I found one that worked for me. I occasionally drink or smoke seed and I have a record of lying to my mom. I'm not proud of it but I have always felt so held back by her helicopter parenting and strictness. Although my mom has reasons to worry I have been doing really good the past year or so (according to everyone except my mom) I have a job, I go to school and I'm working on getting my license! Anyways, about three weeks ago my mom finally let me out to see friends (I had to push her on it alotttt) me and about four or five other friends went to the beach to hangout for the day. I didn't plan to drink but one of my friends pulled out some alcohol and I decided to have a few drinks! I was not trashed, not even close... but when I got home my mom said she could smell alcohol on me, and I also came home 10/15 mins past curfew (my phone had died but I didn't plan on being late) long story short we got into a brawl and I have been fully grounded for the past 3 weeks.... is this normal? My other friends mom found out she drank but only grounded her for a few days before she was aloud out again! I had my phone taken away too the first few days... it's been three weeks and this past week I have been bugging my mom on when I can go out again... and she said she has no clue but she won't let me out until we have multiple "family talks" with my counsellor (which could take weeks) is my mom doing the right thing? I know I shouldn't be drinking and I take full responsibility for that... I know it's my fault but why do I feel like it's so unfair? Why do I feel so mad at my mother? I miss my friends, it's summer break and corona cases are very low where I live (BC, Canada)

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Well there are 2 very silly 17 year olds on MN today.

OP apologise and don’t do it again

PP grow up.

Yep! Your perception is that I'm a child, will make a bad choice and subsequently be a shitty mother. My perception is that I'm a young adult based on life experience, will make the choice I think is reasonable, and be the best mother I can.

The fact is that my hypothetical children remain hypothetical. I will make the best choice I can when the time is right.

You are 17. You are a child.

"In Scotland, a child legally becomes an adult when they turn 16, but statutory guidance which supports the Children and Young People (Scotland) Act 2014, includes all children and young people up to the age of 18."

So if you want a legal definition, I'm considered "a young person", which is what I'd probably identify as anyway.

So you are 17, married and planning a child in the next year or so. Well good luck but it seems rather rushed to me.

There are pros and cons to being married young, as well as having a child / children young. I weighed up the pros and cons for the marriage and decided it was overall worth it - which so far, has been the right choice. I will do the same about having a child, and if I see more cons than pros for the baby itself, then I have no justification or intention of getting pregnant or bringing a baby into the world. I wouldn't necessarily recommend people my age to be making the same choices as me, but so far the choices I've made have made me and my partner happy and I trust our collective judgement.

I didn't say you would be a shitty mother. What a conclusion to draw from my posts. I do think relying on a man at such a young age tto support you and a young child is crazy. Right now though you are very young, so still learning. Hopefully you change your mind and hopefully the man you have picked to be the father of these hypothetical children is aware of your plans.

You are all ready married? Are you still in full time education?

He is aware - I have no intention of having a child with someone who doesn't want one. I will be reliant on him while pursuing a degree, in a similar way that many young adults are reliant on their parents or bursaries to sustain getting their degree. I will be reliant on him financially for a few years, and he will subsequently be reliant on me as the mother of his child (providing we assess the situation in a few years, and decide it's the right thing to do to have a child).

I left school nearly a year and a half ago, after finishing all my exams. I have taken a personal year last year (which I think was coincidentally a good choice re; Covid) and I am enrolled in a full time college course starting next month, after which I will do a degree.

He will be reliant on you as the mother of his child?

But he’ll have a degree and he can pay for childcare.

You’ll have a gap on your CV and limited qualifications.

The dependency will be all one way so please be careful not to limit your options.

And the baby you’ll have in a couple years?

. I will be reliant on him financially for a few years, and he will subsequently be reliant on me as the mother of his child

What does this mean. You will be the child's mother, he doesn't need to rely on you for that. That doesn't make them stick around.

No gap other than the one I've just taken which was to be expected- I'll either be in full time education, part time work, volunteering or full time work. I agree in cases like mine that it's a good idea to not be reliant on anyone (and I would be offering the same advice to those in a similar situation), so I agree to not limit your future prospects. But I'm also of the volition that I can make decisions based on my family and I, and some of those decisions may deviate from what is socially acceptable.

I'm not suggesting it makes them stick around in a relationship sense. If he were in it for the relationship and the baby was a bonus, then I'd have to factor in the possibility of being a single mother before committing to having a child. I'm still factoring in the possibility of being a single mother, but I am also aware that his role as a father will be just as important to him as our marriage, due to his behaviour / character / life long dreams etc.

. I agree in cases like mine that it's a good idea to not be reliant on anyone (and I would be offering the same advice to those in a similar situation),

But yet you are choosing it for yourself. Of course you haven't had any. Other gap years, you wouldn't be allowed . So you are planning to go to college and uni to do a degree, and have a part time job, but somewhere in that time will fit in having a baby? I'm sure you probably have this Rosie view of babies and how cute they are, but it's not all its cracked up to be.
Get yourself through uni, get a decent job and work in it for a few years. Enjoy having not other human relying on you for absolutely everything for a while, and then think about having kids.

Why do you assume I have a rosy view of babies just because I'm young? If I'm honest, I think I'll probably have a more personally enjoyable time when my child (/ren) are toddlers and up, but still having a family is a part of the life I want to lead rather than simply baby fever. I may easily be naive, but I'm also pretty determined, and I have enough faith in myself that I can make reasonable choices to make myself, my future children and my husband happy.

I was like you at 16/17. I ended up moving out because my independence was more important to me than trying to make peace at home (it got to the point the arguments were relentless and it was unliveable for my other siblings etc.) I was so angry that my parents were being stricter on me than my friends. Thing is a lot of my friends either had parents who didn't care enough to impose boundaries (had MH or alcohol/drug issues of their own) or who were trusted more than me so given more freedom and leeway. I, on the other hand, had more to make up to my parents. When I was 20 minutes late, they were more worried than if I'd never come back late and drunk/stoned or not come back at all that night than if I'd always been golden. Also, I had a poor sense of personal boundaries and got myself into bad situations, so they were trying to keep me safe. I look back now and wish I had listened to my parents concerns more, and not just dismissed them. And realised that they were strict for a reason. I needed it,

Yes I totally understand that 100% I deserve some sort of consequence. It has now been over 30 days since I’ve been aloud out with any friends and since that situation happened. My question to mothers isn’t whether or not I made a mistake, it’s so u think it’s reasonable my mother has kept me in this long because of that mistake.

Yes I get that and I do really understand where my mom is coming from. I know that I do dumb shit and I own up to it. My main question was how should a situation be handled when I do fuck up. If I came home a little drunk what should that look like? It’s now been 30 days since the situation and I’m still grounded and haven’t seen any friends. Ofc i feel it’s unfair because I’m a teen lol but from adults point of view do u think when ur child fucks up it’s totally reasonable to ground them for a whole month? Is it still effective?

I just want an answer to my original question and post 😭 I’ve been grounded over a month now for coming home smelling like alcohol. Ofc i feel it’s unfair because I’m a teenager but it just doesn’t feel effective at all at this point! I need opinions from parents!!

@Jilliangrace Are you learning from your mistakes? If not, honestly I'm not sure what else she could be doing. What reason do you have to be taking drugs / drinking, is it just for fun?

Jilian I did answer your original post (before the thread got derailed)

I think you need to sit and have a conversation with your Mum. From her point of view you are repeatedly doing drugs and alcohol, the legal age is 19 for alcohol. As you are not in the UK I do not know how badly this would affect your future employment if you were caught. You are taking stupid risks.

Actions speak louder than words, you promising all sorts isn't good enough unless you can show her that you can be trusted. So how about you suggest coming home earlier than your usual curfew and stick to it. Plus you come home sober.