Advice needed on husbands bad example to teens

[BethanG]

Hi
I hope everyone is safe and well. I would value some advice on what to do / how to immediately deal with it and talk to my three teens about it afterwards; My husband can be a bully when stressed. He criticises every little thing, loses his temper, gaslights (only towards me) and has arguments where he is horrible it be with. I don’t want my teens going through this . How can I either say something to let him know to stop in front of them or to let them know they should leave the room? I have always tried my absolutely best at being a parent and. One I feel I am failing them because of something he is doing and I’m not stopping it. I don’t want them taking sides. It is also lockdown and 1 teen has a levels next year and the other GCSEs so please don’t tell me to leave that won’t be helpful. Thank you

If you accept to be bullied, gaslighted and belittled, what lesson do you think you and your H have been teaching the kids?

What is your relationship with them like? Are they protective of you? Angry with you for not standing up to him? Contempt for you for not leaving? Caring towards you?

Same with DH, what sort of relationship do they have with him? Do they look up to him and copy his behaviour towards you?

"Please don't tell me to leave that won't be helpful" - so your husband is a bully and a twat and staying is the best choice for your children?
Ask them what they want, maybe they want to leave. Children should not have to live like that and I'm sure living in those circumstances is infinitely more damaging than leaving for a calm environment.

But I shan't tell you to leave because "it wont help", so I guess you need to get used to it, I doubt he will change.

His behaviour isn't just a bad example to them, it will influence how they are prepared to be treated and how they will treat others for the rest of their lives. Two choices, convince him that he needs to change (therapy) or be the good example and leave him x

so please don’t tell me to leave that won’t be helpful

Then I'm afraid there really is nothing to be done.

It’s is lockdown right ? I’m not sure how I would leave ???? I have no family here what exactly are you all advdising me to do ?

Unfortunately they are going through it, they are experiencing it and they are being formed by it. They could go a few directions from this. They could leave home and barely see you as soon as they are old enough, they could become mini versions of him and treat others in their life badly by bullying them when stressed. The last option is they are unaffected but that's a huge risk and smaller possibility.

It's not your fault you are not to blame for this man's nasty behaviour however you have children and it is your responsibility to raise and protect them even from their father.
I know you dont want to leave him due to the kids having exams but the emotional and mental damage done by living in such an environment will cause a lot more damage for them and their future relationships with you and other people. You really do need to leave if you can try and look at how that could happen it may become more of a possibility for you.

It's nothing about lockdown. Sorry but that is a rubbish reason.

You don't want to hear it but you need to get away from him. That is the only way how you teach your kids it's not acceptable. Anything else is just some bullshit your spouting to them whilst letting them watch you accept that very treatment your telling them is wrong.

Your children will be harmed by witnessing their father abuse you. Your children will be harmed by knowing that he is abusing you out of their sight. Your children will be harmed by being asked to leave the room, knowing that means abandoning you to his abuse. If you can't leave during lockdown then make a plan to leave after lockdown. If you won't leave at all then you need to accept the reality of the situation, which is that there is no option which protects your children and stops them from being harmed by your husbands abuse. You also matter OP, you don't deserve to live like this. There's a better life out there for you and your children without being bullied and abused by someone who is supposed to love you.

I remember walking on eggshells around my dad as a child.

I have close to zero respect for my mother as a result. She always pandered to him and never stuck up for herself or for us.

Is that the future you want?

@MyOwnSummer

I remember walking on eggshells around my dad as a child.

I have close to zero respect for my mother as a result. She always pandered to him and never stuck up for herself or for us.

Is that the future you want?

Yeah me too. You are making your children live with a bully. You are making that choice for them. Make a different one.

Women’s Aid can advise you on how to leave or get him out.