Help with rules

[mogloveseggs]

I need opinions please.
Ds is 15. For various reasons she is currently staying with her dad. Our relationship is pretty awful at the moment. She doesn't want to stay there full time.
I have asked her to write down what she would like to happen if she wanted to come home. (We butt heads over curfew/bad friend choices mainly). It has been an awful few years in so many ways and I want to try to find a way to move forward.
But I also need to write down what I want to happen.
She has lots too much of freedom at her dads and I'm not willing to go as far as he does.
So I need to ask. What rules are set in your house for your 15/16 year olds and what are their curfews please?

I don't have any answers as I'm in similar situation. But bumping for you.

I'm probably not the best person to advise as I didn't have fixed curfews, however my kids knew what was acceptable. They were not allowed to go out just to wander around but going to a friends house until 11 was fine on non school nights, they had to either have a lift home or we would collect until about 16 when we allowed them to take ubers or walk if local. They are adults now.

Main rules were keeping bedrooms clean, do own laundry, cook one meal a week for everyone, dog walking rota, keeping communal areas clear (we had a weekly cleaner). I had to know 24 hours in advance if either meals weren't required or an extra mouth to feed, no stealing my wine ... we run on a similar basis today although I have left them during lockdown to fend for themselves and gone to dp's

1. dirty clothes into the laundry basket or I won't wash them. 15yo puts clean ones away
2. on school days, 15yp gets themselves up on time and makes sure they've done all work set/got everything they need for lessons
3. speak respectfully to one another, manners, patience and understanding.
4. if off out, let an adult know where you are. If you move to another place, text.
5. home by X time on schoolnights, Y time on weekends
6. if I ask for your help with some light housework you Do it then and there. In return, I won't ask you when you are in the middle of homework/eating/doing something already productive.
7. Expect you at the table for evening meal at X time, unless you've told me by lunchtime that you won't be there. Sort your own breakfasts and lunches.

Thanks for all the input. I am compiling my rules now.
@NoraEphronsneck it's horrendous isn't it

Looking forward to your list
Need this for my dd1 had one but she ignores it.
Rules when out.
1 when you are been dropped off person must be seen

2 No down Rough park or River especially at night time

3 Phone must have charge in it you come home dont turn off location.

4 Someone must be with you when been collected
I don't have house rules everyone just chips in with dishes cleaning.

Well the list has been rewritten so many times already. I'm going for the harsher end so there's more room for manoeuvre without it being too lenient for Dd.
She has asked to stay here Sunday night as it is nearer for school on Monday. Haven't given her an answer yet.
Anyway rewritten rules so far
8.30 school night 9.30 weekends curfew (depending on what time she's gone out).
Properly engage with camhs not just tell them what you think they want to hear to get them off your back
School is mandatory as is homework.
Stop lying to me.
I don't actually think I want her to come home so much less stress but as her father has taken to his bed again and is ignoring his phone and isn't actually engaging with school/camhs I don't have much choice but to try and sort all that. I am furious at that actually, it took 2 years to get camhs to take her and he ignores the bloody calls!
Poor kid. She doesn't have a bed there currently she's sleeping on the sofa apparently. There is a bed but covered in junk. But it is her choice. If she's still there at the end of the month I will cut everything off and stop the child benefit then he can claim if he wants but I won't be doing it for him.

Just to say though. I sound incredibly harsh but I'm not. I'm wracked with mothers guilt every second of the day. I don't know what to do for the best but I just know things cannot go back to what they were before.

Mine are a bit older now but we didn't have "rules" as such, just an expectation that everyone behaved decently.

So, maybe, if you're pleasant persuasive enough you can stay out late on Friday as long as you've done you bit around the house.

If you're not going to be home for dinner, let me know. Not because it's a rule but because it's how decent people behave.

I've said it on another thread today (so you're not alone) but I think a lot of rebellious behaviour happens because we treat young adults as children for too long and what they're actually crying out for is more responsibility. They will mess up, it's part of the learning process but give her the responsibility for sorting the mess out, knowing you're there to support but not to do it for her.

My dad always says it's nonsense that children grow up quicker these days, we actually baby them for longer. At 14yo he was working FT and by 16yo he had an apprentice working for him. Then we want control over our 16yos every move. No wonder they rebel.

Sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and no wander you want Camhs to be successful after waiting so long. Sorry if I missed it but what has she been referred for? Just wondering if that might be relevant to her behaviour or the type or rules that will/won’t work for her.

Are you including her in making the rules? Maybe including her or asking her what things are important to her might help. Otherwise she might be more likely to push back if she feels she has no say and no power. Does she talk to you if you try to talk things through. I used to go for a walk across the field with my dad as a teenager and usually we’d talk about all sort then. Seems easier than talking at home.

She's been referred for anxiety and other issues.
Yes I've asked her to write a list of what she would like to happen too then we can talk about it.

When mine was 15 the rules were
Do own washing, strip and make own bed, keep own room clean and tidy.
With regards to going out rules were
Tell me roughly where you are and who you're with
Always answer phone if I text or call, or ring straight back if you miss my call
If you want to get out of a situation or friends are asking you to go somewhere/do something you're not happy with and you want to blame me rather than say no, text me 2 question marks and I'll ring with an unavoidable emergency that you need to come straight home
I'll pick up to 11pm so that's latest allowed out until old enough for a taxi
No hanging around streets after 9.30 ish, curfew if at friends 11, unless prearranged party or something

I think 9.30 at the weekend is a but early unless shes hanging about the streets. If shes at a friends or something I'd let her out later.

All our rows are about manners, rudeness and speaking to people like crap. She's always been fine with the going out stuff and has nice friends.

Shes 17 now and does as she pleases really but I always know when to expect her back and she still always keeps in touch if I start to worry.
Still speaks to us like crap sometimes and flies off the handle at nothing.

Only rules I had was

No drinking
No drugs
And to let me know where she was going.

I always thought less rules the better.

And keeping a hawk eye on them without them knowing it.