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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boy has no friends at all :(

59 replies

Meeeh · 11/05/2020 12:11

My teenage son is obvs in lockdown and it’s become clear that he has NO contact with any boys his age. None. He says he has texted and called a few but I had a look and they were all girls.
He has always talked about other kids at school like they were mates but there doesn’t seem to be much going on when we saw them in public before lockdown and no it is all phone based, there is nothing. I feel like he made up those “friendships” and wonder if he’s considered a “loser” at school and has no circle Hmm

He doesn’t play Xbox or PlayStation which I know is one way for boys to hang out.

Some input from other parents of boys or dads with a male perspective on teen boy friendships would be great.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 11/05/2020 12:14

Does he play football or any other sports?

TwilightPeace · 11/05/2020 12:17

Why are you worried? Does he seemed depressed?

Cordial11 · 11/05/2020 12:18

Is the issue that all his friends or female or that he doesn't have any? Sorry just trying to understand

Fleamaker123 · 11/05/2020 12:19

I am going to follow this OP. Sorry no advice but just to let you know my son is exactly the same. He's year 11 so he's not going back to school, and I just think, that's it, no friends. There was a mention of a couple of boys a while back, but he won't talk about them now. Not on any social media or phone either. He seems happy in himself, but keeping a close eye on him. I know that doesn't help you though!

TwilightPeace · 11/05/2020 12:19

Sorry posted too soon.

It’s strange that he felt the need to lie to you about the fact his friends are female. Maybe he feels you are interfering?

workshy44 · 11/05/2020 12:20

But if he has friends that are girls does it really matter as long as he has some. Not everyone is in a large group or super popular. If he had no one then yes I would worry
What is he into? is he unhappy ? My son while younger has lots of friends but isn't remotely bothered about contacting them - hes happy out watching TV and playing computer games. I don't think boys are as into the phone contact as girls
I would only worry if he seems unhappy about it although that is easier said than done I know !

guest2013 · 11/05/2020 12:21

How worried I'd be would depend on his age.. 13 and year 8, probably not too worried, both of mine where still finding their feet at that stage of highschool. 16/17 then I'd be more concerned but is he happy? Has he mentioned anything? If he seems ok with the situation then I wouldn't worry too much. Friends aren't the be all and end all. They quite often bring their own problems. Bullying and fall outs are rife in my sons circles.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 11/05/2020 12:22

He says he has texted and called a few but I had a look and they were all girls

Am I missing something? Because that sounds like he does have friends, they just happen to be girls and not boys?

Lightofthephoenix · 11/05/2020 12:23

What's wrong with having female friends?

Original poster
Meeeh · 11/05/2020 13:14

Sorry I expressed myself poorly:
A) I’m fine with the female friends but they are mainly love interest rather than “mates”
B) he does loads of sport outside of lockdown

He’s 14. I just feel like it’s weird he hasn’t got any other friends than the girls he’s chatting up. With the lockdown this has become clear. Maybe he’s someone who is generally popular and part of a bigger group but doesn’t have any deeper friendships. I don’t know what is “normal” for boys.

OP posts:
StillGardening · 11/05/2020 13:19

My DS is younger than yours, 11. Sporty, lots of friends, was given a phone because of lockdown, otherwise wouldn't have had into until September and secondary.

The phone chat is non existent. The only talking he does is via Xbox. And they don't talk talk, they just play games and converse as part of the game.

So, he isn't talking to his friends that aren't on the Xbox. Not because they're not his friends, but because it wouldn't occur to him to communicate that way. There's a class whatsapp with girls leading the chat, and one of the lads joins in with them.

So sounds totally okay to me, as long as he is happy?

Yester · 11/05/2020 13:23

My 14 year son only talks to friends on his Xbox even though this is limited to an hour a day he never contacts any other way. It worries me too. Is he friends with one of the girls?

Reginabambina · 11/05/2020 13:24

At 14 a lot of children don’t have particularly close friendships. Also sone people are crap at being friends over the phone so it may be a case of closest friends not doing the whole texting thing. As a teenager texting etc wasn’t a big thing for me or my friends. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

TwilightPeace · 11/05/2020 13:40

I don’t know what is “normal” for boys.

‘Boys’ aren’t a homogenous group who all need to do friendships the same way.
Look at him as an individual. Does he seem depressed? Lonely? Is he displaying worrying behaviours?
Or does he seem quite content in his own company?

Iwalkinmyclothing · 11/05/2020 13:46

I don’t know what is “normal” for boys.

I don't think there is a 'normal' for boys or for girls.

At times during my childhood and teenage years, I had lots of friends, one or two of whom were very close. During some periods I find it almost unbearable to remember, I had none. My elder ds used to have a ridiculous number of people he called friends, these days he has maybe three. My middle ds used to be very self contained and probably had 2 or 3 friends, right now he seems to have a plethora.

All that matters for me is that they do not feel a lack of friendships. If they feel lonely and unwanted and like they are not worthy of friendship that is horrible; if they feel fine with the relationships they have, whether that is with a dozen peers or one, that is great. I think I'm doing a very clumsy job of expressing this, sorry!

Fandoozle1 · 11/05/2020 13:48

My sibling was like this as a teenager and it broke my heart. Even now sibling doesnt have what one would call friends, just work colleagues. Alot of this was the result of being bullied at school and painfully shy. I also suspect that my dear sibling has some sort of mild learning/ social difficulties but in those days schools / family didn't pick up on things like that.
I really hope that your son is okay, it may just be that he is content as he is, but if not then I hope things improve for him.

SunbathingDragon · 11/05/2020 13:50

Is he happy with how things are, because that’s what I would focus on?

maslinpan · 11/05/2020 13:58

My DS is 11, in normal times he loves playing football and training for matches, and all the team get on really well. He isn't bothering much with them at the moment, and I think that's because the friendship is purely about football, they do it together and talk about it, but there's not much else connecting them otherwise. I think that's quite common for boys, my DD spends hours chatting about all sorts with her friends, but both seem equally happy with very different levels of interaction at the moment.

BillHadersNewWife · 11/05/2020 14:03

You're not telling us that ALL the GIRI are "love interests" ?

Original poster
Meeeh · 11/05/2020 15:13

ALL the girls are love interests.

I phrased it “normal for boys” because most girls I know this age and my own teen daughters were all about their “squad” and you can’t get them off the group calls etc.

He seems happy. I just feel like it’s weird that nobody has been in touch and neither has he - except for chatting up girls

OP posts:
AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 11/05/2020 15:21

If he's happy don't worry. A lot of teenage and pre teen boys (and some girls) only talk while doing something else, they don't phone or message for a chat. It's actually a positive of online gaming especially if they game in the living room where you can half listen in... They talk a bit while gaming, but if someone doesn't game they don't dislike them, they are simply cooincidentally not present...

Also they talk a bit on MS Teams - what does your DS do for online school? He could also be chatting or exchanging memes on there...

Half baked 14 year old flirting is still social contact so he's not really isolated if he's flirting by messenger with girls in his class... Although it's a bit odd if he has a large number of "love intersts" ...

Breastfeedingworries · 11/05/2020 15:26

He sounds like a player player from the Himalayas Grin

LockedInMadness · 11/05/2020 15:34

I just feel like it’s weird that nobody has been in touch and neither has he

You'll probably find all the boys are on Xbox/ps4 is there a reason he hasn't got one?
My 3 teenage boys only ever talk to their mates on these especially since lockdown.

FelicityFlockheart · 11/05/2020 15:46

Why doesn't he have an Xbox or similar? Fair enough if that decision has come from him but I find they're crucial for teenage boys at this time especially

JustDanceAddict · 11/05/2020 16:11

My DS - year 11 - is constantly online (mainly gaming w friends). He has a great friendship group but really only cemented for about 18 months.
Year 9 was the worst year for friendships for him, and my DD only found a great group post-gcse.
It’s much harder being isolated if you haven’t got that strong group. Does he not like gaming as it really gives good social contact (even if loud and annoying for us).