Boy has no friends at all :(

[Meeeh]

My teenage son is obvs in lockdown and it’s become clear that he has NO contact with any boys his age. None. He says he has texted and called a few but I had a look and they were all girls.
He has always talked about other kids at school like they were mates but there doesn’t seem to be much going on when we saw them in public before lockdown and no it is all phone based, there is nothing. I feel like he made up those “friendships” and wonder if he’s considered a “loser” at school and has no circle

He doesn’t play Xbox or PlayStation which I know is one way for boys to hang out.

Some input from other parents of boys or dads with a male perspective on teen boy friendships would be great.

We didn’t want the kids gaming so they’ve not had consoles. They honestly don’t seem fussed - I’m just aware that kids who do game have those casual interactions.

He’s a dog with two dicks at the moment. Lock up your daughters and pass me the wine 🍷

We didn’t want the kids gaming so they’ve not had consoles.
That's a shame because boys that age do most a lot of their socialising on them. I think that's probably why his friends with the girls, in my experience girls play less on Xbox etc, they tend to chat more on video calls/instagram etc.
I think if he doesn't have any male friends that's probably the reason why

Yes - this is the answer to your question. He has no console - and that means he is missing out on where all the interaction is between boys at the moment (I'll say 'boys' as they is what we are talking about here)

My son is 13 and loves the chat he has with school friends - over FaceTime on his iPad, text on his phone and playing on his Xbox. And yes, it's possible to restrict times of course

So this is where the problem probably lies - you are cutting him off from potential friends. Like it or not, gaming is part of a young teens life and I'd encourage that ten times more tuan I would 'love interests' at 14

In my experience the only way 14yr old boys communicate is through Xbox and PlayStation.
We had to get my quiet 11yr old one recently. Noticed didn't want friends over etc. Eventually got to the bottom of it and said no one would want to come as no gaming

12 year old chats for about 2-3 hours a day over Xbox to his mates. After he has done his school work for the day. Sounds fun to be honest.

My oldest was like that at 14, by 15/16 he found his people (clever, outdoorsy types)

My middle ds is 14 now and really social. He is in the middle of every group. He loves lockdown and doesn't miss his friends, I think the social for him is more stressful than I understood. I think 14 is just brutal, and boys opt out or in but most are not at ease.

He’s a dog with two dicks at the moment. -

@Meeeh what makes you say that? What are the signs ?
Curious, have boys too, need to know the signs should they arise.

Yr 6 girl yacking non stop to friends in FaceTime (throughout the day 😳🤪)

Yr 8 boy being super excited with friends on pc + mine craft (in afternoon)

Yr 11 boy ps from 8-10 with friends

The boys are not chatting/texting with friends outside this context,

Mine just share memes, there is only one boy who they will chat with on the PS4 but interestingly in school they aren't really friends. The group they hang around with, and I would consider them to be good friends, they have not chatted with at all except to share memes.

I'm reassured by this. My year 8 boy rarely messages anyone but will occasionally if I prompt him. I know he has friends although not a big group. He always walks to school with them, plays in a band with a couple and had 5 over for a birthday party recently. It just doesn't occur to him to initiate any kind of chat though! He actually has an x box but is happy to play alone or with his sister. I've suggested online gaming just now but I know if I don't remind him he won't bother to organise it.

Yep they all chat through the x box.

OP you won’t want to hear this but my friend never let her daughter have a phone until she saved up and bought one herself at 17 or so. She wasn’t allowed social media, Facebook or anything, on the family computer either. She wasn’t allowed sleepovers because her mum teaches at her school.

To me it was pretty clear this was leading to massive social isolation. My friend insisted that you don’t need technology to make friends.

Anyway, the girl is 28 now, single, lives alone and has no mates. She is a very unhappy and socially awkward person who has written herself off as unlikeable. It’s very sad.

Stop interfering

My DS is socializing through Minecraft. He uses Facebook kids messenger to chat with his friends while they play.
I think you might want to reconsider a console.

You need to get him a console it’s the only way they communicate ! how is he going to be part of his demographic at school without one ? Your son will be socially isolated and that’s not good ask him which one he wd like you can get many second hand

He doesn't need a console to play games with mates. DS 15 plays Clash Royale and others on his phone with friends, the games they play on school bus. (DS does have a PS).

DS is sociable and plays team sports in usual times. He's not bothered about much conversation with friends now as he says there's nothing happening to discuss, and I know what he means.

My 13 yr old (14 next week) Ds only socialises via his PC on which he games and chats to his friends in game. I don't think they ever arrange to be on at a particular time, its just if they are there at the same time

He plays games on his phone and occasionally with his brother and one other boy and has WhatsApp etc.

Lots of varied answers there thank you.

I think it's because he doesn't have a console. It's not just talking about games. From my experience they prioritise mates who have one as they need someone to play online with. My son plays with people who left his old school but hadn't spoke to for years as they all play xbox. I think that's why he's left out but he may well have friends at school.

@TeaAddict235 he seems very happy chatting to the girls and is very interested in the opposite sex. We’ve had all the talks here and he knows how to behave ie not send nudes, anything porny etc.

The wider thread was really about the fact that he doesn’t seem to invest the same energy in regular friendships

I have two teenage boys and they bond with their friends over shared gaming experience , also other things, but they chat during these games too

My parents did not allow me to watch pop music/soaps/tv shows that weren’t documentaries or educational

As a result I found it hard to fit in with the other teens, they all talked about Top of the Pops and Dallas and Dynasty, whilst I had seen documentaries on Proust’s early life and live performances of Beethoven’s 9th

Magnificent stuff, but it set me apart

You are doing something similar to your son

It won’t harm him as such, long term, but you have def given him an extra challenge in life

We didn’t want the kids gaming so they’ve not had consoles. They honestly don’t seem fussed - I’m just aware that kids who do game have those casual interactions.

I think this is standing in the way of having the types of friendships with similar aged boys that you feel he should be having.

My parents were also similar with their rules and it did make things difficult for me growing up.

Hi @Meeeh - I don’t have a DS, but have a DD who is 15 and this is what I have learned......

Within DD’s social group the boys often only contact each other to play Xbox/PlayStation. When not in lockdown they communicate about meeting up for sport or nights out etc, but it is mainly activity based communication.

If they have Snapchat they will also send streaks and other meaningless random photos just to check in with their mates. However, their ‘best friends list’ on Snapchat will be all girls.

During lockdown they sometimes get together on one of the group call apps and contact a group of girls for a laugh/flirt.

It is quite normal for boys to mainly/only call or message girls they ‘fancy.’ Also totally acceptable, in fact expected, that they will be messaging numerous girls at the same time, unless they have officially decided they are ‘speaking’ (exclusive) or become BF/GF.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, if your DS seems happy enough just now try not to worry too much. Teenagers are a weird bunch 😎

I clearly remember the teenage boys of that age didn’t really “organise” socially, maybe the odd send a funny picture and meet to game/game online. It took the bigger mixed sex friendship groups which started around Yr 10 and 11 to start a proper social life for them. The girls organised meet ups! Boys were delighted to come along...

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead there’s a country mile between your experience and my son not having a gaming console. He has every other social media channel and is allowed to watch and listen to most things and thanks to his sisters and a myself having a very urban background he is definitely not sheltered like you were. Sorry that’s what you lived through.

I’ll consider the gaming console as a test if this drags on into the summer hols.