Just found out I have a 15 year old daughter.

[Ollie180]

So right off the bat, I'm a dad - not a mum (hope I'm allowed). Not really sure I can even call myself a dad right now, but I'm definitely a bloke who has recent found out he's a father.

A little background, because I guess it's important... I never knew my own father. I had a step dad, and I wish I didn't, I don't have anything nice to say about him, he was a drunk and a violent one. My mum left him when I was 8 and I've never seen him since. Sadly my beautiful mum got sick when I was 13 and passed away, and I went into the foster system.

I met this girl when I was 16 at school. We we're proper opposites, I just always seemed to have a way of getting myself in a barney, whereas she, she was calm and a bit reserved and sensible and had her head screwed on. On paper it shouldn't of worked but in reality it did, we were really happy, her parents weren't impressed at all, but she ended up delaying uni and we went travelling.

We we're 19 and on a beach in Malaysia when she told me we we're done. She wanted to get serious and I wasn't the bloke she saw that with I guess. She went home next day, and it took me another 6 weeks to decide that me life was better with her it. So I went back home, but she was dating someone else. He was everything that I'm not, and everything that she was, and I decided that maybe that was how it should be. So I left again.

And I didn't hear a dicky from her for another 16 years.

...Till she contacted me on fb couple of months ago.

I feel like this is like chapter 2 now, so hold your hats.. She wanted to meet, but she kept pushing the date, saying she was ill or busy. I thought it was weird, till I met her early last month.
Fast facts:

• She married this lad she met after we split up
• They raised a daughter together
• Only.. this daughter wasn't his
• He was a solider and he was killed on duty when this girl was 8
• Meaning my ex became a 'solo mum'
• And the kicker is that she, my ex, she got diagnosed with cancer in December, and it's, basically at a stage where there's not anything they can do to make it not, terminal.

............I didn't react very well.
It was just so much information so quickly.. I just couldn't process it. I did ask for a paternity test though.

To cut a long story short, we got the results of that a couple of weeks later, which proves what she says and so I met her again then...

I told her straight that I feel like it's fair enough if I wasn't the guy for her, but i wasn't a bad guy, I never treated her badly, and was never her right to decide that someone else could have been a better father to my kid. I'm a bit unconventional as people go, I'm a bit different, but I've always wanted my own family, I was disappointing that hadn't happened for me yet in life. I was always so sure that if I had a kid I'd do it right, they wouldn't grow up the way I did, I'd give them everything that I never had.
And I feel like it wasn't her choice to make, and she robbed me of the chance of all that. My dad left before I was born, I would never have done that, but she didn't give me a choice.

She basically said that.. at the time she didn't think I was ready (I probably wasn't - but I would of grown into it - I guess we'll never know now), and that she had fun with me, but that she saw this solid family with him, and he didn't want me in the picture.

I asked her why now? Like she must know other people, and if I was such a poor bet for a father before then why now.

And she said "Because she's your daughter Ollie180. I saw it in that first really proper school report she got 'DD gets on well with her classmates, perhaps too well as she chats too much in class, and definitely feels comfortable in the spotlight', and I've seen it everyday since more and more. I raised her, but my god she's your daughter! She's got such a kind heart, she charismatic, shes always glass half full, she sees the big picture but never has time for the details and sometimes she's so foolhardy that it scares me! Oh and there's only one other person I've ever met who lights up a room quite the same way she does!"

I didn't know what to say really, not a problem I usually have, but I just felt so many things at once.

And while I sat there she went "and because in the middle of all of this is a kid who's world is about to turn upside down. I wanted her to have a childhood like mine, because I thought that was right, I wanted that stability for her, (she started to get more upset) but that's not something I'm going to have been able to give her, and if there's anybody at all that could relate to her now then it's you Ollie, I know that it's you."

Pfffftttttt.....
I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

There's no discussion to be had over what I do, I'll be there for her, as much as I can possibly be. She's my kid, and I always promised myself I wouldn't let any kid of mine down.

I just, it's hard..... so far I've met her once. Only like an introduction really, for a couple of hours with her mum too. It was okay, it was a bit awkward. But I'm going to see her again this week, her mum's taken a bit of a bad turn so they've been to the hospital quite a bit. I'm going to try and take her out just me and her.. It's so difficult though.. like i knew when i was with her that I was trying to hard and I was probably coming off like a tool. I just want so bad to like make up for 15 years of history that we don't have. And then at the same time this girl is going through a horrible horrible time, so she's hardly in the best place for 'fun trips out'.

I don't know what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just reaching out for advice..
How do I play this?
How regularly should I be seeing her? talking to her?
How tf do I parent a 15 year old?

Sorry that ended up such an essay, I just feel like no one I know knows how to help, or what to say.

@MrsP2015 aw thank you!

Yeah, well I think we did get on, and she’s text me a little bit today.. so I feel like, all things considered, it went as well as I could hope it would.
I think it’s weird how, I genuinely feel something.. like I barely know her but I feel like I do, I care about her.. and I’m surprised how quickly that can be there!

Yeah true!! ...I feel like a hospital trip is a odd environment for a second proper meeting.. but she asked me, she wanted it, and I don’t want to let her down, I want to be there if she wants me!

@TW2013 yeah I do understand that! I don’t understand why she didn’t include me in dd’s life, I can’t pretend to see her reasoning, but I do understand what a stressful time this is for her now and how worries about dd she must be!

Yeah - books were never my thing, but I’ve always been a people person and as soon as I left school that was what really opened my world up! I get the impression from her that she’s very similar - practically minded and good with people, just not good at getting thoughts on paper!

Yeah my ex was talking about all of that! However I’m just sort of waiting to see what dd makes of everything.....I don’t want to move faster than she’s ready for

(Although obviously I want to give her the security that I want her, and that she’s got me now for better or worse... maybe I do need to vocalise that to her a bit more actually.... I’m not always so great at really putting my the way I feel out there, I don’t always do it enough!)

Thursday was pretty full on.. I drove them to the hospital as she asked.. I think it's maybe the first time it really hit me how ill my ex is, and it's hard for me to see her like that because in my mind she's still that 19 year old girl I knew.
It's also hard to watch to see dd go through that - because I've been there. I always gloss over really because it's not something that's easy for other people to listen too, but I do know first hard how difficult it is to endure!

I took them though and then I just waited around, dd was with her mum for about a hour and then she came out, (apparently it normally makes her mum sleep), and we sat in the hospital cafe for a couple of hours... totally different vibe to the other day, we just talked more seriously, she talked about being worried about her mum, she talked about even more worried now with coronavirus, I told her that I'm super serious about being someone that she can count on.
(Considering shes still a teen, shes a very warm character, easy to talk to, puts you at ease, that type. However, even when she's being really serious she still is very emotionally contained, she can talk about difficult things while staying very composed.......I see a ton of myself in that. Damn, the amount of social workers I sat in front of as a kid and told "I'm fine".)

Obviously her mums high risk if she was to contract C-19. But she has to go to the hospital for treatment. Plus if everyone starts locking down, it puts dd in a difficult position considering how much she stays at BFF's house. Her school shut it's doors today as well, which I guess even though she didn't enjoy it, was still an escape from everything else.

I'm a bit concerned as well now, about the potential I could get locked down miles away!
It's just, I can't catch my breath at the moment.. this whole world of information hit me lightning quick, and I've barely had time to process and now I feel like this coronavirus is moving so quick that it's throwing a whole new range of questions and scenarios at me!

Hi! 15 year old mom here, biological dad didn't raise me but i reached out and now we never talk
Long story short don't do what he did, don't hold back, show her you care, let her realize just how you feel that you're struggling with all this too but that you didn't have a choice whether you could raise her or not (without making her mother sound shitty, although kinda was), personally all i wanted from my biological dad was for him to talk to me, be there, your father is supposed to teach you to respect yourself, love yourself and he's supposed to be your first love, tell her how proud u are when she does things, by the sounds of it once everything settles in, you'll be amazing father, honestly the easiest way to be a parent is to act like not only their parent but best friend, show her she can trust you with anything and that you care, you'll do great sir , I'm sure of it

Also beforehand, see her as much as you and her are comfortable with, as long as she's comfortable going out with u alone or to places, then take her, ask what she's comfortable with, honestly just show her this side of you, that you're nervous too!

@piperm Damn, I'm sorry that it didn't really work out for you with your dad! Ballsy to reach out to him though, good on you mate!

Yeah, I do really care. A lot! And I care about being a good dad, thats for sure the most important thing in my life now.... but I don't want to overwhelm her, so just trying to take it quite chilled and build it up.

(Of course you could argue to be fair, that I always tend to err on the side of being too chilled about things so maybe I should tell her a little bit more about my own thoughts & feelings on everything).

Thank you, though - it's nice to hear the option of someone that is her age!

Do you three need to have some serious around the table chats? Legal stuff/practicalities/ideas for the future? Make her feel like she has a say in all this.

My ex had a bit of a pop at me in the week.. I think basically shes stressing about coronavirus because shes super vulnerable but can't fully lockdown because she'll have to go to hospital for treatment as shes half way through chemo at the moment. Plus obviously she knows DD isn't getting as much timeout (and support) as she would normally because she can't go to BFF's house.
...So I get it, but I feel like I was kinda just the fall guy, because none of those things in my control at all!

Basically she want's me to be in or out, as in, I can't see them/drop stuff off and also be living in a house share (boat share really, because I rent a house boat)... which is fair play, I get that! I said to her (pre lockdown) if i have to lock down and not see anyone else, then that's what I'll do! (As it happens the girl I rent with has gone home to her parents for the lock down, so it is easier to do now).

The only thing that bugs me is that she always throws this I-need-to-actually-grow-up/peter-pan thing at me (and that dates back to all those years ago when we actually dated) and I think it's really unfounded! I am who I am, and that's not going to change - but she never gave me a chance to prove the kind of dad I could be 15 years ago, or what kind husband I could of been! She had her reasons, and clearly I wasn't the right man for her, but I didn't do anything wrong - didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't treat her badly. At the end of the day, we're both in this moment right now, all these years later, because she chose to date me! I said that to her and she was like: 'because you're witty, your fun, that smile, and you're so charming. Whenever you talk to someone, you make them feel special, and that makes you so easy to fall in love with. And I see her [meaning DD] getting swept up in all those things, but she needs you to be so much more than those things Ollie!' and then she carried on about her not being there and DD needing reliability and stability.

I'm not here to say I have it even remotely figured out, or that Im going to be the worlds best dad. But shes mad if she thinks that this is all just fun to me. It's like she forgets that, I've been where DD is, I watched my own mum deteriorate the same way.....it's my worst nightmare to watch from the sidelines the same thing happen again, happen to another kid, happen to someone I shared so much history with. But I wouldn't dream of stepping back, because the difference is, I did it all by myself, I was 13 and by myself... and so even if its hard, which I know (better than anyone) it will be, there's no way I'd let DD be on her own through it, no way!! So.... I don't think she even thinks about who she's talking to when she paints me as a good time charlie!!

Anyway, that was a rant, she actually joined DD for a skype chat with me a couple of days later, I think maybe she actually felt bad, because she'd dug out our super old prom photos to show DD what we looked like back then! Which was mad actually! I wore this dark orange Hawaiian shirt under my suit jacket (because I was that cool😜 ) and I still have it... DD didn't believe me so I had to go dig it out the back of my cupboard to show them! ...Actually fits me better now.. I borrowed it off some lad at the time, to match her mums dress, and it was way too big for me (even in the early 2000's) 🤣

It's hard this lockdown right now though. I mean, I know theres never a good time for a global pandemic, but this is difficult....I feel like my place is there. Like I have so much to prove, and so much to try and build and yet I'm here, and a text doesn't feel quite the same!
I'm going to keep doing my ex's hospital runs with DD now though.. no reason they should take a risk with a random driver they don't even know.. and I feel like that's a responsibility I should take.

@NaturalBlondeYeahRight I think we’re going to have to.. I think we both agreed we didn’t want to hit DD with it too hard and fast at the beginning.. but I do also think that surely talking about it all would actually give her a bit more of a sense of security so it probably does need to happen soonish.

At the end of the day, it is her say after all, I wouldn’t ever push her. But I do want to be as involved in her life as she wants me to be...and I really really do hope that she wants me to be!! But she’s her own person so yeah.

...I probably need to have a little bit of a more serious little one on one chat to be honest.. lay out how I feel and gage how she feels a little bit

Hi @Ollie180 I hope everything is going well with the bonding between your DD and you! I hope ur both healthy and I've been reading up on how everything is going, I really hope it's a happy ending for all of you, ur going to become a great father I promise