Just found out I have a 15 year old daughter.

[Ollie180]

So right off the bat, I'm a dad - not a mum (hope I'm allowed). Not really sure I can even call myself a dad right now, but I'm definitely a bloke who has recent found out he's a father.

A little background, because I guess it's important... I never knew my own father. I had a step dad, and I wish I didn't, I don't have anything nice to say about him, he was a drunk and a violent one. My mum left him when I was 8 and I've never seen him since. Sadly my beautiful mum got sick when I was 13 and passed away, and I went into the foster system.

I met this girl when I was 16 at school. We we're proper opposites, I just always seemed to have a way of getting myself in a barney, whereas she, she was calm and a bit reserved and sensible and had her head screwed on. On paper it shouldn't of worked but in reality it did, we were really happy, her parents weren't impressed at all, but she ended up delaying uni and we went travelling.

We we're 19 and on a beach in Malaysia when she told me we we're done. She wanted to get serious and I wasn't the bloke she saw that with I guess. She went home next day, and it took me another 6 weeks to decide that me life was better with her it. So I went back home, but she was dating someone else. He was everything that I'm not, and everything that she was, and I decided that maybe that was how it should be. So I left again.

And I didn't hear a dicky from her for another 16 years.

...Till she contacted me on fb couple of months ago.

I feel like this is like chapter 2 now, so hold your hats.. She wanted to meet, but she kept pushing the date, saying she was ill or busy. I thought it was weird, till I met her early last month.
Fast facts:

• She married this lad she met after we split up
• They raised a daughter together
• Only.. this daughter wasn't his
• He was a solider and he was killed on duty when this girl was 8
• Meaning my ex became a 'solo mum'
• And the kicker is that she, my ex, she got diagnosed with cancer in December, and it's, basically at a stage where there's not anything they can do to make it not, terminal.

............I didn't react very well.
It was just so much information so quickly.. I just couldn't process it. I did ask for a paternity test though.

To cut a long story short, we got the results of that a couple of weeks later, which proves what she says and so I met her again then...

I told her straight that I feel like it's fair enough if I wasn't the guy for her, but i wasn't a bad guy, I never treated her badly, and was never her right to decide that someone else could have been a better father to my kid. I'm a bit unconventional as people go, I'm a bit different, but I've always wanted my own family, I was disappointing that hadn't happened for me yet in life. I was always so sure that if I had a kid I'd do it right, they wouldn't grow up the way I did, I'd give them everything that I never had.
And I feel like it wasn't her choice to make, and she robbed me of the chance of all that. My dad left before I was born, I would never have done that, but she didn't give me a choice.

She basically said that.. at the time she didn't think I was ready (I probably wasn't - but I would of grown into it - I guess we'll never know now), and that she had fun with me, but that she saw this solid family with him, and he didn't want me in the picture.

I asked her why now? Like she must know other people, and if I was such a poor bet for a father before then why now.

And she said "Because she's your daughter Ollie180. I saw it in that first really proper school report she got 'DD gets on well with her classmates, perhaps too well as she chats too much in class, and definitely feels comfortable in the spotlight', and I've seen it everyday since more and more. I raised her, but my god she's your daughter! She's got such a kind heart, she charismatic, shes always glass half full, she sees the big picture but never has time for the details and sometimes she's so foolhardy that it scares me! Oh and there's only one other person I've ever met who lights up a room quite the same way she does!"

I didn't know what to say really, not a problem I usually have, but I just felt so many things at once.

And while I sat there she went "and because in the middle of all of this is a kid who's world is about to turn upside down. I wanted her to have a childhood like mine, because I thought that was right, I wanted that stability for her, (she started to get more upset) but that's not something I'm going to have been able to give her, and if there's anybody at all that could relate to her now then it's you Ollie, I know that it's you."

Pfffftttttt.....
I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

There's no discussion to be had over what I do, I'll be there for her, as much as I can possibly be. She's my kid, and I always promised myself I wouldn't let any kid of mine down.

I just, it's hard..... so far I've met her once. Only like an introduction really, for a couple of hours with her mum too. It was okay, it was a bit awkward. But I'm going to see her again this week, her mum's taken a bit of a bad turn so they've been to the hospital quite a bit. I'm going to try and take her out just me and her.. It's so difficult though.. like i knew when i was with her that I was trying to hard and I was probably coming off like a tool. I just want so bad to like make up for 15 years of history that we don't have. And then at the same time this girl is going through a horrible horrible time, so she's hardly in the best place for 'fun trips out'.

I don't know what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just reaching out for advice..
How do I play this?
How regularly should I be seeing her? talking to her?
How tf do I parent a 15 year old?

Sorry that ended up such an essay, I just feel like no one I know knows how to help, or what to say.

[piperm]

Hi @Ollie180 I hope everything is going well with the bonding between your DD and you! I hope ur both healthy and I've been reading up on how everything is going, I really hope it's a happy ending for all of you, ur going to become a great father I promise

[Ollie180]

@NaturalBlondeYeahRight I think we’re going to have to.. I think we both agreed we didn’t want to hit DD with it too hard and fast at the beginning.. but I do also think that surely talking about it all would actually give her a bit more of a sense of security so it probably does need to happen soonish.

At the end of the day, it is her say after all, I wouldn’t ever push her. But I do want to be as involved in her life as she wants me to be...and I really really do hope that she wants me to be!! But she’s her own person so yeah.

...I probably need to have a little bit of a more serious little one on one chat to be honest.. lay out how I feel and gage how she feels a little bit

[Ollie180]

My ex had a bit of a pop at me in the week.. I think basically shes stressing about coronavirus because shes super vulnerable but can't fully lockdown because she'll have to go to hospital for treatment as shes half way through chemo at the moment. Plus obviously she knows DD isn't getting as much timeout (and support) as she would normally because she can't go to BFF's house.
...So I get it, but I feel like I was kinda just the fall guy, because none of those things in my control at all!

Basically she want's me to be in or out, as in, I can't see them/drop stuff off and also be living in a house share (boat share really, because I rent a house boat)... which is fair play, I get that! I said to her (pre lockdown) if i have to lock down and not see anyone else, then that's what I'll do! (As it happens the girl I rent with has gone home to her parents for the lock down, so it is easier to do now).

The only thing that bugs me is that she always throws this I-need-to-actually-grow-up/peter-pan thing at me (and that dates back to all those years ago when we actually dated) and I think it's really unfounded! I am who I am, and that's not going to change - but she never gave me a chance to prove the kind of dad I could be 15 years ago, or what kind husband I could of been! She had her reasons, and clearly I wasn't the right man for her, but I didn't do anything wrong - didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't treat her badly. At the end of the day, we're both in this moment right now, all these years later, because she chose to date me! I said that to her and she was like: 'because you're witty, your fun, that smile, and you're so charming. Whenever you talk to someone, you make them feel special, and that makes you so easy to fall in love with. And I see her [meaning DD] getting swept up in all those things, but she needs you to be so much more than those things Ollie!' and then she carried on about her not being there and DD needing reliability and stability.

I'm not here to say I have it even remotely figured out, or that Im going to be the worlds best dad. But shes mad if she thinks that this is all just fun to me. It's like she forgets that, I've been where DD is, I watched my own mum deteriorate the same way.....it's my worst nightmare to watch from the sidelines the same thing happen again, happen to another kid, happen to someone I shared so much history with. But I wouldn't dream of stepping back, because the difference is, I did it all by myself, I was 13 and by myself... and so even if its hard, which I know (better than anyone) it will be, there's no way I'd let DD be on her own through it, no way!! So.... I don't think she even thinks about who she's talking to when she paints me as a good time charlie!!



Anyway, that was a rant, she actually joined DD for a skype chat with me a couple of days later, I think maybe she actually felt bad, because she'd dug out our super old prom photos to show DD what we looked like back then! Which was mad actually! I wore this dark orange Hawaiian shirt under my suit jacket (because I was that cool😜 ) and I still have it... DD didn't believe me so I had to go dig it out the back of my cupboard to show them! ...Actually fits me better now.. I borrowed it off some lad at the time, to match her mums dress, and it was way too big for me (even in the early 2000's) 🤣


It's hard this lockdown right now though. I mean, I know theres never a good time for a global pandemic, but this is difficult....I feel like my place is there. Like I have so much to prove, and so much to try and build and yet I'm here, and a text doesn't feel quite the same!
I'm going to keep doing my ex's hospital runs with DD now though.. no reason they should take a risk with a random driver they don't even know.. and I feel like that's a responsibility I should take.

[NaturalBlondeYeahRight]

Do you three need to have some serious around the table chats? Legal stuff/practicalities/ideas for the future? Make her feel like she has a say in all this.

[Ollie180]

@piperm Damn, I'm sorry that it didn't really work out for you with your dad! Ballsy to reach out to him though, good on you mate!

Yeah, I do really care. A lot! And I care about being a good dad, thats for sure the most important thing in my life now.... but I don't want to overwhelm her, so just trying to take it quite chilled and build it up.

(Of course you could argue to be fair, that I always tend to err on the side of being too chilled about things so maybe I should tell her a little bit more about my own thoughts & feelings on everything).

Thank you, though - it's nice to hear the option of someone that is her age!

[piperm]

Also beforehand, see her as much as you and her are comfortable with, as long as she's comfortable going out with u alone or to places, then take her, ask what she's comfortable with, honestly just show her this side of you, that you're nervous too!

[piperm]

Hi! 15 year old mom here, biological dad didn't raise me but i reached out and now we never talk
Long story short don't do what he did, don't hold back, show her you care, let her realize just how you feel that you're struggling with all this too but that you didn't have a choice whether you could raise her or not (without making her mother sound shitty, although kinda was), personally all i wanted from my biological dad was for him to talk to me, be there, your father is supposed to teach you to respect yourself, love yourself and he's supposed to be your first love, tell her how proud u are when she does things, by the sounds of it once everything settles in, you'll be amazing father, honestly the easiest way to be a parent is to act like not only their parent but best friend, show her she can trust you with anything and that you care, you'll do great sir , I'm sure of it

[Ollie180]

Thursday was pretty full on.. I drove them to the hospital as she asked.. I think it's maybe the first time it really hit me how ill my ex is, and it's hard for me to see her like that because in my mind she's still that 19 year old girl I knew.
It's also hard to watch to see dd go through that - because I've been there. I always gloss over really because it's not something that's easy for other people to listen too, but I do know first hard how difficult it is to endure!

I took them though and then I just waited around, dd was with her mum for about a hour and then she came out, (apparently it normally makes her mum sleep), and we sat in the hospital cafe for a couple of hours... totally different vibe to the other day, we just talked more seriously, she talked about being worried about her mum, she talked about even more worried now with coronavirus, I told her that I'm super serious about being someone that she can count on.
(Considering shes still a teen, shes a very warm character, easy to talk to, puts you at ease, that type. However, even when she's being really serious she still is very emotionally contained, she can talk about difficult things while staying very composed.......I see a ton of myself in that. Damn, the amount of social workers I sat in front of as a kid and told "I'm fine".)

Obviously her mums high risk if she was to contract C-19. But she has to go to the hospital for treatment. Plus if everyone starts locking down, it puts dd in a difficult position considering how much she stays at BFF's house. Her school shut it's doors today as well, which I guess even though she didn't enjoy it, was still an escape from everything else.

I'm a bit concerned as well now, about the potential I could get locked down miles away!
It's just, I can't catch my breath at the moment.. this whole world of information hit me lightning quick, and I've barely had time to process and now I feel like this coronavirus is moving so quick that it's throwing a whole new range of questions and scenarios at me!

[Ollie180]

@MrsP2015 aw thank you!

Yeah, well I think we did get on, and she’s text me a little bit today.. so I feel like, all things considered, it went as well as I could hope it would.
I think it’s weird how, I genuinely feel something.. like I barely know her but I feel like I do, I care about her.. and I’m surprised how quickly that can be there!

Yeah true!! ...I feel like a hospital trip is a odd environment for a second proper meeting.. but she asked me, she wanted it, and I don’t want to let her down, I want to be there if she wants me!

@TW2013 yeah I do understand that! I don’t understand why she didn’t include me in dd’s life, I can’t pretend to see her reasoning, but I do understand what a stressful time this is for her now and how worries about dd she must be!

Yeah - books were never my thing, but I’ve always been a people person and as soon as I left school that was what really opened my world up! I get the impression from her that she’s very similar - practically minded and good with people, just not good at getting thoughts on paper!

Yeah my ex was talking about all of that! However I’m just sort of waiting to see what dd makes of everything.....I don’t want to move faster than she’s ready for

(Although obviously I want to give her the security that I want her, and that she’s got me now for better or worse... maybe I do need to vocalise that to her a bit more actually.... I’m not always so great at really putting my the way I feel out there, I don’t always do it enough!)

[TW2013]

Really pleased it went well and you met her mate who hopefully will feed back to her parents that you were OK (obviously high praise for an adult when you are 15). I can see why your ex is worried, must be petrified about leaving her dd, but don't let that put you off having a quiet confidence that you will do your best by your dd. It sounds as if she will need support and encouragement to get through school, but also you might be able to steer her to a more suitable career for her strengths if she doesn't like loads of book work.

It might be worth asking on the legal board part of MN what your position is. I am guessing that you were not on the birth certificate- I would encourage her to keep her existing surname, but you might want to establish whether you have parental responsibility- you would need that if she wanted to go to a different sixth form for example, move doctors or get some medical treatment. Also it would mean that you would be first in line for taking her on as social services would place with a parent first unless they have cause for concern or would at least need to consult with you if you have parental responsibility.

[MrsP2015]

Reading this brought a tear to my eye.
I wish my dad felt similar to you about me.
So glad my dh is such a good dad.

I think you sound like just what you're dd needs now. Forget the past. Everything happens for a reason.
Be honest with her, it's ok for you to tell her you want to do everything right- she probably feels the same.
Ask her what she'd rather do as sometimes sitting watching a film is good as it's togetherness with no pressure on talking.

Good luck.

[Ollie180]

Yeah good I think!

She met me at the car with her best mate (that she stays with) and asked if she could come too. I kinda thought like, I do get it, it probably means she has been a bit stressed about it, so I figured I could roll with it.

Obviously there's a limit on what we could do a little with the whole CV19.. nice evening though so I too them to this cool little milkshake bar and then we just drank them on the beach.

It was quite chilled really.. for quite a long time we didn't talk about anything that heavy, we just talked.. but it felt very.. easy. Which after last time I was worried it maybe wouldn't be.
It's funny because I feel like we actually do just click a little bit, we get on. She's just proper funny as well, like a real little riot, makes me genuinely really laugh.

She told me she doesn't really enjoy school - at least not the lessons. I said that I found school didn't really suit me, me being ADHD and dyslexic. She reacted really strongly to that! Told me she's dyslexic. Told me she's wondered many times how she could be the kid of two such perfect people.. and that she guesses now it all makes sense! Fs haha!

So I drove them home and then bff got out the car and DD told her she'd come inside in a minuet..
She said that she was annoyed because she'd spent all day telling bff that I was probably a dick and she probably wouldn't like me and now she was going to have to go inside and take it back!
I was like 'I take it that means you're up for seeing me again then'
She said "Yeah, but only for the milkshake......and I'm sorry Ollie, for what it's worth. I love my parents but I don't agree with the way they treated you, I get this is shit for you too and I'm sorry"

I thought that was very mature given the circumstances. We probably sat in the car for another 10 mins or so chatting then when she went to leave she was like "Mum's got chemo Thursday, [my exs friend] can't take us but we were getting a taxi, you could drive us if you want"
I said 'of course I would but I needed to check her mum was okay with that!' (I don't want to intrude into my exs life!)


I did walk up and speak to my ex at the door though, said we'd had a nice time and that, and that she made me laugh.
My ex was like 'Do you see it though? She has this coping strategy of being excessively optimistic. Keep smiling, keep making people laugh, and then it's hard for people to see through that. I think that's something you know all to well'

I think she's probably right!

She gave me a grilling about the hospital trip too. Said that she was only saying yes for DD. And gave me the third degree about being "committed" if I'm going to be in DD's life like this. That she doesn't need "fireworks, she needs reliable".

Personally, I think that's all a bit cheeky, given everything.. but I also get that she is just trying to do the best by her kid, so I'm cool with it really!

[TW2013]

How did it go?

[Ollie180]

@TW2013 and thank you!! I feel a bit nervous about it but I also feel genuinely excited too!

[Ollie180]

@TW2013 yeah you’re right actually! I think that would be nice! They’ve obviously been in her life since she was a little kid and I think that’d definitely help me feel a little more...intergrated.

Yeah, I think that’s the kinda thing my ex is talking over... financially she’s very very stable and she’ll certainly be able to make sure that DD isn’t left wanting in that regard! Which is something that I can’t really offer. But obviously In the immediate future it’s support that DD will need, which is something that hopefully I can!

[TW2013]

In time I would see about an introduction to the best mate's parents. They probably know her quite well and can help to support you and her. They are clearly looking out for her and I would see if during the transition they might still have her over sometimes.

Is there a property? It might be worth seeing if that can be kept and put in trust for your daughter. Then she could stay in her house with you for a few years. Over time you can work through budgeting and house management so that when she is ready you can move out and support from a distance. Make sure her mother specifies when she takes control of the inheritance, she knows her daughter best and stops you being the bad guy if she wants to sell up at 18 and spend it on drink and drugs.

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

[Ollie180]

@MagnoliaJustice well you hear all the time about people that live way longer than expected, so who knows really... but the prognosis is, unfortunately, months not years. She’s still having treatment though.. She obviously wants to do everything possible to be around for DD as long as is possible.

With regards to DD.. basically the options are:

She could go to Oz, that’s where her ‘dads’ family are. She speaks to them obv but hasn’t seen them loads because Oz is far.... 1) She doesn’t want to move there, doesn’t want to leave her friends or life, she’s apparently been very clear on that! 2) from my own point of view - I’ve lost 15 years of my daughters life, I don’t want to lose her to the other side of the globe now.

I guess her pick right now would be that she moves in with her best mate.. she’s currently staying there a lot, however there’s a big difference between ‘staying over’ and ‘moving in’. Though I totally get that’s where she feels most comfortable.

If she doesn’t want ‘direct involvement’ with me - fine! I know what it feels like to feel like your being bounced around as a kid.
But with regards to other people not wanting me involved.. then in the nicest possible way they can sod off! I might be a ‘stranger’ but I’ve got a paternity test that says I’m her father and I’ve lost so much time already.. I’m not about to fade away now, no chance!

@ManlyMenAreWe yeah I will do!

[MagnoliaJustice]

@vingt

With all due respect, if you read my post, I stated that the girl's mother may live for a few years yet, if her cancer is manageable/treatable although ultimately life limiting. Therefore the girl maybe an adult by the time decision-making is required.

Of course I wasn't suggesting a 15yo may consider living independently, I'm not that fucking stupid.

[JumboSauce]

Indeed I did. Congratulations OP! though 15yrs late.

[vingt]

or she may want to live independently

@MagnoliaJustice

Are you seriously suggesting that a 15 year old who will have just lost her mother would be capable of living independently? That's batshit.

[SoupDragon]

Unless I've missed it in your @OP, first things first, DNA test?

You did miss it.

[JumboSauce]

Unless I've missed it in your @OP, first things first, DNA test?

[ManlyMenAreWe]

Be sure to update us after your meeting tomorrow, op, won't you?

[MagnoliaJustice]

Is it likely that the girl's mother will pass away before she reaches adulthood? I'm only saying that because a family member has a form of cancer that can't be eradicated, but is manageable and he has been advised he could have a further decade or so of relatively healthy life with intermittent medical intervention.

As your ex-girlfriend isn't in need of permanent medical attention currently, maybe the child will be old enough to make her own decision about who she wants to live with, or she may want to live independently.

I think you're getting ahead of yourself, and you need to speak with your ex-girlfriend's family and friends, and liaise with whatever services are involved with ensuring your daughter's wellbeing and safety. They may not want her to have any direct involvement with an adult man she doesn't know.

[Lalala205]

Isn't this basically the plot from Forrest Gump