Just found out I have a 15 year old daughter.

[Ollie180]

So right off the bat, I'm a dad - not a mum (hope I'm allowed). Not really sure I can even call myself a dad right now, but I'm definitely a bloke who has recent found out he's a father.

A little background, because I guess it's important... I never knew my own father. I had a step dad, and I wish I didn't, I don't have anything nice to say about him, he was a drunk and a violent one. My mum left him when I was 8 and I've never seen him since. Sadly my beautiful mum got sick when I was 13 and passed away, and I went into the foster system.

I met this girl when I was 16 at school. We we're proper opposites, I just always seemed to have a way of getting myself in a barney, whereas she, she was calm and a bit reserved and sensible and had her head screwed on. On paper it shouldn't of worked but in reality it did, we were really happy, her parents weren't impressed at all, but she ended up delaying uni and we went travelling.

We we're 19 and on a beach in Malaysia when she told me we we're done. She wanted to get serious and I wasn't the bloke she saw that with I guess. She went home next day, and it took me another 6 weeks to decide that me life was better with her it. So I went back home, but she was dating someone else. He was everything that I'm not, and everything that she was, and I decided that maybe that was how it should be. So I left again.

And I didn't hear a dicky from her for another 16 years.

...Till she contacted me on fb couple of months ago.

I feel like this is like chapter 2 now, so hold your hats.. She wanted to meet, but she kept pushing the date, saying she was ill or busy. I thought it was weird, till I met her early last month.
Fast facts:

• She married this lad she met after we split up
• They raised a daughter together
• Only.. this daughter wasn't his
• He was a solider and he was killed on duty when this girl was 8
• Meaning my ex became a 'solo mum'
• And the kicker is that she, my ex, she got diagnosed with cancer in December, and it's, basically at a stage where there's not anything they can do to make it not, terminal.

............I didn't react very well.
It was just so much information so quickly.. I just couldn't process it. I did ask for a paternity test though.

To cut a long story short, we got the results of that a couple of weeks later, which proves what she says and so I met her again then...

I told her straight that I feel like it's fair enough if I wasn't the guy for her, but i wasn't a bad guy, I never treated her badly, and was never her right to decide that someone else could have been a better father to my kid. I'm a bit unconventional as people go, I'm a bit different, but I've always wanted my own family, I was disappointing that hadn't happened for me yet in life. I was always so sure that if I had a kid I'd do it right, they wouldn't grow up the way I did, I'd give them everything that I never had.
And I feel like it wasn't her choice to make, and she robbed me of the chance of all that. My dad left before I was born, I would never have done that, but she didn't give me a choice.

She basically said that.. at the time she didn't think I was ready (I probably wasn't - but I would of grown into it - I guess we'll never know now), and that she had fun with me, but that she saw this solid family with him, and he didn't want me in the picture.

I asked her why now? Like she must know other people, and if I was such a poor bet for a father before then why now.

And she said "Because she's your daughter Ollie180. I saw it in that first really proper school report she got 'DD gets on well with her classmates, perhaps too well as she chats too much in class, and definitely feels comfortable in the spotlight', and I've seen it everyday since more and more. I raised her, but my god she's your daughter! She's got such a kind heart, she charismatic, shes always glass half full, she sees the big picture but never has time for the details and sometimes she's so foolhardy that it scares me! Oh and there's only one other person I've ever met who lights up a room quite the same way she does!"

I didn't know what to say really, not a problem I usually have, but I just felt so many things at once.

And while I sat there she went "and because in the middle of all of this is a kid who's world is about to turn upside down. I wanted her to have a childhood like mine, because I thought that was right, I wanted that stability for her, (she started to get more upset) but that's not something I'm going to have been able to give her, and if there's anybody at all that could relate to her now then it's you Ollie, I know that it's you."

Pfffftttttt.....
I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

There's no discussion to be had over what I do, I'll be there for her, as much as I can possibly be. She's my kid, and I always promised myself I wouldn't let any kid of mine down.

I just, it's hard..... so far I've met her once. Only like an introduction really, for a couple of hours with her mum too. It was okay, it was a bit awkward. But I'm going to see her again this week, her mum's taken a bit of a bad turn so they've been to the hospital quite a bit. I'm going to try and take her out just me and her.. It's so difficult though.. like i knew when i was with her that I was trying to hard and I was probably coming off like a tool. I just want so bad to like make up for 15 years of history that we don't have. And then at the same time this girl is going through a horrible horrible time, so she's hardly in the best place for 'fun trips out'.

I don't know what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just reaching out for advice..
How do I play this?
How regularly should I be seeing her? talking to her?
How tf do I parent a 15 year old?

Sorry that ended up such an essay, I just feel like no one I know knows how to help, or what to say.

Talk to her like a young lady. She's still technically a child and likely will behave like one sometimes but speak to her with respect.and more as if she's an adult than a child.Teenagers tend to respond well to being asked rather than told. Be on her side.
Winston's Wish is a great charity for supporting bereaved young people.

I also think Social Services should be involved for her sake. She needs someone who can keep a cool and clear eye on this situation. Are there really no family members to be involved? I find that very hard to believe.

And never ever refer to the man who brought her up as "dad". This is likely to be a man she loved and regarded as 100% her father.

@MrsMGE Thank you . I feel a bit better after writing this actually, it's made my head clearer!

@DelphiniumBlue Yeah I get that! I think when I see her Tuesday that'll be a big day for us, and I think I'll get a better idea (hopefully) of the kind of involvement she wants from us!

@SpyApp Yeah.. I did some work with teens out in SA but they were more young adults like 18-23, so yeah I haven't really spent much with teens any younger than that!
Thank you for that - I'll look into it!
Yeah, no I get that! I just introduced myself by my name and so thats what she called me

Does your ex partner have no friends or family at all? Is she facing her life limiting illness alone? Who is caring for her daughter while she's so unwell?

The 15yr old needs to be in the driving seat. She didn't ask for any of this. Give her some control. Make yourself available. Your job is to support her.

This.

@MagnoliaJustice yeah yeah.. well proper family out in oz really, so they’re not here in body. But obviously she’s got friends and that. She runs a business with a very close friend of hers, so I get the impression she’s supported her a lot with appointments and that.

Well DD’s still living with her mum, she isn’t permanently in hospital.. although obviously it will go that way at some point.
When she is in hospital DD is staying with her best friend and her fam.

@Shellsandsunrises yeah I get that! Just say by day - see what she wants from me!
I’m still not quite sure whether to plan something Tuesday or just pick her up and see what she wants to do

Isn't this basically the plot from Forrest Gump

Is it likely that the girl's mother will pass away before she reaches adulthood? I'm only saying that because a family member has a form of cancer that can't be eradicated, but is manageable and he has been advised he could have a further decade or so of relatively healthy life with intermittent medical intervention.

As your ex-girlfriend isn't in need of permanent medical attention currently, maybe the child will be old enough to make her own decision about who she wants to live with, or she may want to live independently.

I think you're getting ahead of yourself, and you need to speak with your ex-girlfriend's family and friends, and liaise with whatever services are involved with ensuring your daughter's wellbeing and safety. They may not want her to have any direct involvement with an adult man she doesn't know.

Be sure to update us after your meeting tomorrow, op, won't you?

Unless I've missed it in your @OP, first things first, DNA test?

Unless I've missed it in your @OP, first things first, DNA test?

You did miss it.

or she may want to live independently

@MagnoliaJustice

Are you seriously suggesting that a 15 year old who will have just lost her mother would be capable of living independently? That's batshit.

Indeed I did. Congratulations OP! though 15yrs late.

@vingt

With all due respect, if you read my post, I stated that the girl's mother may live for a few years yet, if her cancer is manageable/treatable although ultimately life limiting. Therefore the girl maybe an adult by the time decision-making is required.

Of course I wasn't suggesting a 15yo may consider living independently, I'm not that fucking stupid.

@MagnoliaJustice well you hear all the time about people that live way longer than expected, so who knows really... but the prognosis is, unfortunately, months not years. She’s still having treatment though.. She obviously wants to do everything possible to be around for DD as long as is possible.

With regards to DD.. basically the options are:

She could go to Oz, that’s where her ‘dads’ family are. She speaks to them obv but hasn’t seen them loads because Oz is far.... 1) She doesn’t want to move there, doesn’t want to leave her friends or life, she’s apparently been very clear on that! 2) from my own point of view - I’ve lost 15 years of my daughters life, I don’t want to lose her to the other side of the globe now.

I guess her pick right now would be that she moves in with her best mate.. she’s currently staying there a lot, however there’s a big difference between ‘staying over’ and ‘moving in’. Though I totally get that’s where she feels most comfortable.

If she doesn’t want ‘direct involvement’ with me - fine! I know what it feels like to feel like your being bounced around as a kid.
But with regards to other people not wanting me involved.. then in the nicest possible way they can sod off! I might be a ‘stranger’ but I’ve got a paternity test that says I’m her father and I’ve lost so much time already.. I’m not about to fade away now, no chance!

@ManlyMenAreWe yeah I will do!

In time I would see about an introduction to the best mate's parents. They probably know her quite well and can help to support you and her. They are clearly looking out for her and I would see if during the transition they might still have her over sometimes.

Is there a property? It might be worth seeing if that can be kept and put in trust for your daughter. Then she could stay in her house with you for a few years. Over time you can work through budgeting and house management so that when she is ready you can move out and support from a distance. Make sure her mother specifies when she takes control of the inheritance, she knows her daughter best and stops you being the bad guy if she wants to sell up at 18 and spend it on drink and drugs.

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

@TW2013 yeah you’re right actually! I think that would be nice! They’ve obviously been in her life since she was a little kid and I think that’d definitely help me feel a little more...intergrated.

Yeah, I think that’s the kinda thing my ex is talking over... financially she’s very very stable and she’ll certainly be able to make sure that DD isn’t left wanting in that regard! Which is something that I can’t really offer. But obviously In the immediate future it’s support that DD will need, which is something that hopefully I can!

@TW2013 and thank you!! I feel a bit nervous about it but I also feel genuinely excited too!

How did it go?

Yeah good I think!

She met me at the car with her best mate (that she stays with) and asked if she could come too. I kinda thought like, I do get it, it probably means she has been a bit stressed about it, so I figured I could roll with it.

Obviously there's a limit on what we could do a little with the whole CV19.. nice evening though so I too them to this cool little milkshake bar and then we just drank them on the beach.

It was quite chilled really.. for quite a long time we didn't talk about anything that heavy, we just talked.. but it felt very.. easy. Which after last time I was worried it maybe wouldn't be.
It's funny because I feel like we actually do just click a little bit, we get on. She's just proper funny as well, like a real little riot, makes me genuinely really laugh.

She told me she doesn't really enjoy school - at least not the lessons. I said that I found school didn't really suit me, me being ADHD and dyslexic. She reacted really strongly to that! Told me she's dyslexic. Told me she's wondered many times how she could be the kid of two such perfect people.. and that she guesses now it all makes sense! Fs haha!

So I drove them home and then bff got out the car and DD told her she'd come inside in a minuet..
She said that she was annoyed because she'd spent all day telling bff that I was probably a dick and she probably wouldn't like me and now she was going to have to go inside and take it back!
I was like 'I take it that means you're up for seeing me again then'
She said "Yeah, but only for the milkshake......and I'm sorry Ollie, for what it's worth. I love my parents but I don't agree with the way they treated you, I get this is shit for you too and I'm sorry"

I thought that was very mature given the circumstances. We probably sat in the car for another 10 mins or so chatting then when she went to leave she was like "Mum's got chemo Thursday, [my exs friend] can't take us but we were getting a taxi, you could drive us if you want"
I said 'of course I would but I needed to check her mum was okay with that!' (I don't want to intrude into my exs life!)

I did walk up and speak to my ex at the door though, said we'd had a nice time and that, and that she made me laugh.
My ex was like 'Do you see it though? She has this coping strategy of being excessively optimistic. Keep smiling, keep making people laugh, and then it's hard for people to see through that. I think that's something you know all to well'

I think she's probably right!

She gave me a grilling about the hospital trip too. Said that she was only saying yes for DD. And gave me the third degree about being "committed" if I'm going to be in DD's life like this. That she doesn't need "fireworks, she needs reliable".

Personally, I think that's all a bit cheeky, given everything.. but I also get that she is just trying to do the best by her kid, so I'm cool with it really!

Reading this brought a tear to my eye.
I wish my dad felt similar to you about me.
So glad my dh is such a good dad.

I think you sound like just what you're dd needs now. Forget the past. Everything happens for a reason.
Be honest with her, it's ok for you to tell her you want to do everything right- she probably feels the same.
Ask her what she'd rather do as sometimes sitting watching a film is good as it's togetherness with no pressure on talking.

Good luck.

Really pleased it went well and you met her mate who hopefully will feed back to her parents that you were OK (obviously high praise for an adult when you are 15). I can see why your ex is worried, must be petrified about leaving her dd, but don't let that put you off having a quiet confidence that you will do your best by your dd. It sounds as if she will need support and encouragement to get through school, but also you might be able to steer her to a more suitable career for her strengths if she doesn't like loads of book work.

It might be worth asking on the legal board part of MN what your position is. I am guessing that you were not on the birth certificate- I would encourage her to keep her existing surname, but you might want to establish whether you have parental responsibility- you would need that if she wanted to go to a different sixth form for example, move doctors or get some medical treatment. Also it would mean that you would be first in line for taking her on as social services would place with a parent first unless they have cause for concern or would at least need to consult with you if you have parental responsibility.