AIBU ? 18yr DD is baffleing me

[HeartlikeaGiraffes]

New to mums net - 1st post - read lots.
DD2 turned 18 in Oct, has BF who lives 40 miles away.The met a college, he dropped out in Aug she dropped out Dec. Both have no idea what they want to do - which i am fine with, he has passed his DT and has car, has signed up to reserves and gets up and out most days to do a bit of paid labouing for a friend. DD2 got a job in bar F, S & S nights. We never see her from 1 wk to next, no responce to our txts.Her BD was terrible she did all she could to avoid us and any planned meals were cancelled and she turned up 2 days after her b day. She also ignored her DD 50in Nov dispite my reminders and then it was my 50 recently she popped in day before ( turns out to get a large all black inked tattoo on inside of her forearm locally) and left same day and 11 days later she pops back to have a driving lesson locally ! no mention of my bday 🤔AIBU asking her why she treats us like this,

Assume she’s moved out and rent her room out

Ha Ha , maybe we would get more converstaion and less verble and emotional abuse from a lodger!.
It is difficult to express in such a short paragraph her behavior and the emotional effect on me mainly- she is nasty when we see her saying things like what you looking at, get out of my room ,Whats my life got to do with you ? etc. She does not comment on the family whats app even when directly asking her opinion etc, also she eats in her room( takaways delivered when fridge is full of food). She takes things without asking, loses her bank cards only noticed this when she couldnt pay for takeaway ! realised she hadnt seen her card for weeks never checks acct statemnts, leaves her property all over place at friends etc,sleeps all day. Her xmas presents we bought her are still in her rm in an xmas bag !! she values nothing and has no respect for anything - Rant over thanks - sometimes its great to say it out loud and not be judge.

So does she live with you ?

Maybe ask her to move out?

What are your expectations of her?

Yes she does live with us, all be it sparodically as she is at her bf parents most of the week say from Wednesday to Monday with us late Monday , Tuesday and part Wednesday. I wouldnt ask her to move out as I want her to come to that descision herself ( i have just learnt that she has given up the bar job and i looking for a new job ). My expectations of her are very simple, but no matter how or how frequently i ask she does not comply. My expectations are
To be kind
To be thoughtfull
To communicate with me/ D1, DD & Grandma
To be part of the family in general

It’s so hard isn’t it. We have had very similar with our DD.... room I disgusting, staying out, not telling us where she is... rude to everyone if not ignoring us...Have you read the book ‘ untangled- guiding teenage girls...’ I know she’s 18 but I found it helpful. It talks about girls knowing they have to be grown up and thinking that means they have to do it ASAP. Maybe in her mind she’s cutting the strings? It’s hard when you’re used to being close. Maybe you could suggest meeting for lunch/coffee at her favourite place- it’s a grown up thing to do. Mine has also suddenly said she’s quitting college...doesn’t want to go to uni... She’s not had a tattoo but had her nipples pierced! It’s like a rebellion. I shall be following this thread for any ideas. Good luck op x

She treats you like that because she's self-centred.

The hormones in her head may rearrange to make her into a nicer person in future.

You can't influence when or how happens.

I think I'd ask her to move out.

I will give the book a go and if i have any break throughs or further needs to vent my frustrations, i will be on here again, nodoubt that will be soon, one way or the other. Good luck your end too x
😊