Anyone any similar experiences of supporting son through unwanted pregnancy?

[BarelyTreadingWater]

My son is not an irresponsible person, he used a condom and she said she was on the pill but now she says she is pregnant (very early days).

He is just 19, she is almost 18.

The relationship was casual, he was only cautiously starting to date again after a break up that left him in a very bad way.

He doesn’t want this child, she says she does but the conversations seem to be more about her trying to persuade him to be in a more committed relationship with her.

She is texting and calling constantly, either cajoling or trying to provoke an argument. Anything to get a response from him. If it’s not the one she wants she kicks off. It feels like she will say and do anything to pressure him into a relationship.

I fully appreciate that being pregnant is a difficult situation to find yourself at 17 (I have girls too). It is of course her choice what decision she makes about the pregnancy.
I don’t think she really realises that he doesn’t have the resilience to look after her and a child at the moment - he was only just starting to recover himself after several suicide attempts in the last 2 years.
It has taken a long while to get him to this stage where he was coping with most every day things. He wanted to take things slowly.

Now he feels that he ought to support any child that is his but can’t see how he will cope with the stresses a child and coparenting will bring. He has some insight as one of his sisters is in a relationship with a guy who has a child by his previous partner.

He is so distraught and in so much emotional pain that I genuinely fear for his safety.

purplewithred thank you for hearing me. It means a lot, although I’m sad that you’ve experience of severe mh issues in young people. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I spoke with my son about not giving her false hope of a relationship, he has been trying not to.

And also about him giving her my number if it got overwhelming, he visibly relaxed a little at this. Thanks to those that made this suggestion although I hope to get speak with her before it gets that bad for him.

I was in this position with my DS he told us when he was 16 that his girlfriend was pregnant, she was 18. My son had mental health issues ( not suicidal) his girlfriend said she was on the pill and he was too stupid to use a condom. We don’t think she was actually on the pill and it was planned, my son stepped up and we supported them both, her family went mad but have come around now. My grandchild is now 3 and my son and his ex are no longer together but he pays maintenance and sees his child at least every other weekend, and we see our grandchild regularly as well.
It’s been a long journey and she did the surprise pregnancy thing with her next boyfriend as well ( new baby is 1) it sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle I know but my son is tied to his child’s mother for years. As much as we adore my grandchild I really wish my son wasn’t a dad at 17 though I made it clear to him at the time that it was totally her choice whether to keep or terminate the pregnancy.
Our story is too long and complicated for here but PM me if you would like to.

I'd get him to give her your number and then he should block her.
You meet with her and take it from there.
If my teenage DS had attempted suicide several times there's no way I'd let a girl - pregnant or not - mess with his head like this.
Take over, OP.

Tbh all you can do is wait. Time will tell

If she is pregnant then your son has no say in what decision she makes BUT he has every right to a paternity test. If the baby is he and he doesn’t want to be a dad he will still have to pay but that can be addressed when the time comes. If he does want to see the baby then you will have to let him arrange that.
It’s a difficult situation but the main thing to remember at this point is really the ball is in the mother’s court you just need to let her make her decision and go from there as sensitively as you can x

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP, I think that were I in your shoes I might be be trying to build a relationship with this girl, trying to befriend her so that she is not in a position of opposition towards you and your son, build bridges, find common ground, try to empathize with her.
Obviously it's extremely difficult, you'll be trying to empathize with someone whose behaviour is having a detrimental effect on your own son and you don't know anything about her family or her background, whether her parents will be supportive etc.

I imagine she's probably terrified at the prospect of being a single mother, if I got pregnant at 17 I would too, hence why she is trying to draw your son back into a relationship.

He needs to make it clear that while they won't be in a relationship, she will not be parenting alone.

I imagine she's probably terrified at the prospect of being a single mother

Then she should be grateful to live in a country where she has easy access to safe, legal abortion.

OP, given everything you’ve described about your son, I agree with other posters suggesting that you should get involved more directly now. I would message the girl and invite her over to meet with you and your son and let her know you would also like to involve her parents if she still lives with them. If she refuses, I think you may need to contact them anyway. They may decide not to get involved but at least you’ll know whether to just be dealing with their daughter or with the family to try and find a workable solution all round.

You may want to meet her first and then encourage her to tell her parents, gently explaining that you will need to get them involved if she doesn’t tell them herself.

Ultimately it has to be her decision how she wants to proceed with the pregnancy but an informed one where she understands where your son stands and what kind of practical support she will be able to rely on from him and you/his family.

Even if you’re able to offer support, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a future paternity test if the pregnancy continues and she should be made aware of this gently.

And no matter what do keep reassuring your son that you’ll be there to support and guide, he’s not alone and as much as this could be his child, it’s your potential grandchild too and that’s why it’s important he lets you help navigate things if his ex wants to continue with the pregnancy, as it’s in everyone’s interests -hopefully that should help take the pressure off him. Even without any MH problems, this is likely to be destabilising for anyone at that age and they could do with proactive, positive supportive parental involvement. For your son it must be particularly terrifying. I have a daughter too so I understand it must be a shock for your son’s ex. It’s tough all round. All the best

I imagine she's probably terrified at the prospect of being a single mother

That is why he needs to make his position crystal clear, so she is armed with the facts and can make her decision in the knowledge she will be the one doing the late nights, long days while he goes off to college/work/has new relationships and see's the child (not her) during his access visits.

He needs to make it clear that while they won't be in a relationship, she will not be parenting alone.

Telling her she wont be parenting alone is sugar coating the situation. He is a 19 yr old boy with MH issues and unlikely to be significant support (sorry op). She is much better fully armed with the real facts.

I think the fact that she isn't telling her parents 'in case of a miscarriage' gives her away rather, she's making sure that she has an escape route if she can't get what she wants out of your son.
Why is she not seeking the support of her parents?
Given the situation I think it would be appropriate for them to be part of the discussion but she's keeping her parents out of the equation, she's doing that because it gives her a strategic advange...surely?

If he doesn't want the baby and doesn't want a relationship with her he needs to sit down and be very clear with her on that. It is also reasonable for him to say that he will only provide the support that he is legally obliged to provide. It's harsh but she is much better off knowing now if that is ultimately how he feels. He can't demand she has an abortion but he can be very clear that it is not something he wants. If she is romanticising things it is all the more important he does this and also encourages her to tell her parents before 12 weeks.

Also, real women really do fake pregnancies. A very good friend of mine borrowed a used pregnancy test from a pregnant friend and even went to the GP with the man concerned to discuss their options. He was blowing cold air at her and she wanted to reignite his feelings for her. He never knew she made it up (put her under a lot of pressure to terminate though so I guess she had her answer). She was educated, a professional, solvent, very beautiful and generally happy with her life. I was much younger at the time and whilst I thought it an awful thing to do I (and many of our friends) also thought it was very funny that she had tricked him like that.

It sounds like they have had the casualist of relationships. It's no base for a new life.

Also you don't need to provide any proof you are pregnant to get a midwife appointment or a scan appointment. I didn't even take a pregnancy test with my last pregnancy.

If you are able to meet with her OP, one of the things you need to put to her is whether she wants to tie herself to your DS for the next 18 years? If he won’t be in a relationship with her but she wants his involvement, she is signing up to co-parenting with someone whose mental health is not good. She needs to understand that he might not be much use to her as a co-parent. If he’s struggling with his mental health he may not earn very much to enable him to help her. Right now, he’s not dad material and no matter how hard anyone tries, if the parents are not a couple and not living together the physical care burden of this child will fall mainly onto her.

This isn’t said to run your son down, I feel for him. His actions in using a condom and supporting her to be on the pill state very clearly that he wasn’t in the market for a baby (and by that token nor was she, so also why didn’t she go for the MAP, why won’t she consider, at least just look into, a termination?).

I would also be sceptical about whether this baby is definitely his.

She also needs to speak to her parents now, not at 12 weeks. Though that makes no difference if they were to pressure her into a termination but if she goes for a scan she’s going to find it even harder to look at that as an option I suspect.

From what you have said, and very much bearing in mind your son's mental health I would contact her parents.

I think this is an issue you need to take the lead on while he comes to terms with what has happened. He is going to need a massive amount of support no matter what the outcome is. If contact with her is harmful then your son needs to put his wishes to her clearly, perhaps by letter, and then take a temporary step back. Then, you move things forward for him. I think she needs parental support now unless you have reason to believe they would be abusive.

It’s such a horrible situation. I was a teen mum too and although I love my DC if I could choose again- I’d have chosen differently. It makes life a million times harder than it needs to be. If she was thinking logically she would terminate but pregnancy isn’t a logical thing. Our hearts make that decision regardless of whether it’s the right one for us. If only she could see that she can have a lovely family when she is older with an established career behind her and a husband/partner who has actively chosen to be a father. Her parenting experience would be so much better. But at 17 she has no concept of that. Unfortunately.

I really feel for you OP. I agree you (and I think it should be you at this point) need to contact her and her parents if at all possible and make it clear your son simply cannot be a father in anyway to the baby. Even if you think he might be able to at some point- don’t tell her that. She needs to make her decision from the understanding that she will have no support from him.

@BeaStoic

Then she should be grateful to live in a country where she has easy access to safe, legal abortion.

I dont disagree with this. But I also think that if she does have the baby then the baby needs to be supported. Once the baby happens, it stops being about the people who made it and becomes about that fragile human.

If she decides not to have it, it would be the smart thing to do.

I agree with others that I’d get him to message her one long message outlining his position

Then give her your number then block her

Ideally get her parents details

It sounds harsh but if my dds were in this position at this age I’d be pushing for termination so would welcome such a response from any potential father

Currently your priority is your ds. In such a fragile state and with previous attempts then his mental health trumps any pregnancy stress imo. I work with men with mental health issues and it’s devastating

Without him she’ll likely turn to her parents or to terminate

Him being on the sideline is more likely to make her keep it and it’s likely she won’t want to if she knows it’s not going to be happy families

I would suggest your son reiterates that he will support her in what she chooses to do, and then I think you should step in for a bit. He can be there for milestones (like scans) or not, depending on how involved he chooses to be but if he struggles with mental health he shouldn't be engaging in long conversations with this girl. It's going to mess with his head even if she has the best of intentions.

Once again I’m indebted to those who have shared their stories of being teen parents, of having teenaged children who have become parents themselves.
Also to those who have shared their views. Even where they have contrasted to mine I have appreciated how they have helped me explore and clarify my thinking.
It has been such a help over the last few weeks.

Where we are up to at the moment....
Eventually persuaded my son to stope engaging in the endless back and fore conversations with the girl, but only after it became very apparent to him that she wasn’t being totally honest.

It’s a long story but we never did get any conclusive evidence of a pregnancy. At one point she claimed she’d had a miscarriage, and then she said she’d been to a walk-in centre where they told her had hadn’t lost the pregnancy.

Then the number of weeks she was claiming didn’t match the date involved with the failed contraception.

She really would have said anything to get him to be in a relationship with her.

At one point she claimed to have been given the two abortion drugs to take at home (which just wouldn’t happen), from a place that I know for certain doesn’t offer that service and don’t have the facilities to do so.
She claimed to have bought them online when it was obvious that her previous story wasn’t holding water. Then she said she’d taken them and was bleeding.

All the while my son was encouraging her to seek proper support via a pregnancy advisory service and also from her mum.

Eventually she said that she had told her mum but that her mum was angry with her (it was unclear exactly why).

He was clear throughout that he wasn’t ready to be a father and that he didn’t want to carry on the relationship (such as it was).
She hadn’t heard this (as predicted / advised by posters in this thread), so things got a bit heated as they came to a head.
She has my number if she does need to speak with someone but neither of us have heard from her for several days.

She said she’d let him know when she’d taken another test in a few weeks to see if the abortion has “worked”.

I really feel for this young woman. She may have actually been pregnant, we can’t be sure she wasn’t, but she was definitely hurting emotionally.

It may not be completely over - if she was pregnant and still is then there will be the financial situation to resolve and any contact arrangements.
Regardless of whether she was pregnant or not she will still be coming to terms with the end of the relationship which can be so very painful at that age, so that may flare up again.

But we are in a lull from the stress of the communication for now.

In the meantime I have gently recapped the contraception conversation with my son, in greater detail this time about how to avoid condoms failing.
It might be an awkward conversation but in the hope of avoiding this situation would encourage everyone with sons to have a reminder conversation about :

• using condoms even if the girl says she’s on the pill / has had an injection / has an implant
• checking the condom is in date and is in good condition
• not using oil based lube or massage oils
• supplying the condoms themselves

Thank you all once again.

Thank you for updating, I was thinking about you and your son. I hope your son is able to move on from this with your support, even though I know he is 18, he is lucky to have this loving support.

As a stranger to the situation it is also easier for me to think compassionately about an obviously troubled young woman, who maybe doesn’t have the same level of support and clung to your son in the hope that he could be that support for her. I hope that she gets the help that she needs.

Thank you for updating, I hope your son starts to make positive progress with his mental health and can now make a fresh start.

Glad to hear things have settled a bit OP.

That poor girl. She sounds like she is really struggling.
I hope your son can start to get his mental health back on track soon.

Oh I’m sorry it’s been such a hard time op. She’s clearly got some serious issues going on, whether pregnant or not. For everyone’s sake I hope she isn’t. Glad your son has decided to stop engaging with her.

You need to remind him that if he sleeps with her again to use protection as this is a common tact when someone is trying to trap a man. You say you're pregnant and then they have sex with you without protection, then tada they really are pregnant. Can he buy a digital pregnancy test and say something like this one tells you the weeks and get her to do it there and then to see it actually say pregnant.

Difficult situation.