Anyone any similar experiences of supporting son through unwanted pregnancy?

[BarelyTreadingWater]

My son is not an irresponsible person, he used a condom and she said she was on the pill but now she says she is pregnant (very early days).

He is just 19, she is almost 18.

The relationship was casual, he was only cautiously starting to date again after a break up that left him in a very bad way.

He doesn’t want this child, she says she does but the conversations seem to be more about her trying to persuade him to be in a more committed relationship with her.

She is texting and calling constantly, either cajoling or trying to provoke an argument. Anything to get a response from him. If it’s not the one she wants she kicks off. It feels like she will say and do anything to pressure him into a relationship.

I fully appreciate that being pregnant is a difficult situation to find yourself at 17 (I have girls too). It is of course her choice what decision she makes about the pregnancy.
I don’t think she really realises that he doesn’t have the resilience to look after her and a child at the moment - he was only just starting to recover himself after several suicide attempts in the last 2 years.
It has taken a long while to get him to this stage where he was coping with most every day things. He wanted to take things slowly.

Now he feels that he ought to support any child that is his but can’t see how he will cope with the stresses a child and coparenting will bring. He has some insight as one of his sisters is in a relationship with a guy who has a child by his previous partner.

He is so distraught and in so much emotional pain that I genuinely fear for his safety.

Waterandlemonjuice thank you, that is sensible and practical

She is definitely pregnant.

He has given her the number for counselling to talk about her options, and keeps suggesting that she confides in her mum.
She is now saying she isn’t 100% certain of keeping it. She says anything to keep him conversing with her.

op are you absolutely sure that the gf is pregnant? I was a bit skeptical after reading the thread. If she is I am sure she must be feeling terrified and overwhelmed and desperate to cling on to him in such a life changing situation but it will effect both of their lives forever if it's true and that's a decision that can't be taken lightly. I think they need to go to a clinic, get the tests done there and speak to advisors/counsellors about the reality of the situation and how they/she will manage if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. I know people who had children very young and they are the most wonderful parents, but they also hold a lot of sadness for what they feel they lost out on in life at an early age

In what way did the condom fail? How does he know that? Surely that is something you would be immediately aware of and back up with the MAP. He can also use that to calculate the likelihood of the baby, if there is one, being his.

Doctors are very very careful to ensure females going onto the pill know when in the cycle to start. That starting day is a non fertile day (day one) of the cycle and a safe day to have sex on.

I think the odds of becoming pregnant when using a condom and the correct first day of using the pill are non existent. I would have my doubts about the genuineness of a pregnancy and of the OP’s DS being the father.

OP, I think you need your DS to make it clear he is not willing to be in a relationship, is unable to deal with her messages but will be a fully participating father (although he will be insisting on a DNA test). Then he needs to stop responding to any message she sends - perhaps tell her to message you and you will let your DS know of anything he needs to know about but that you also won’t be replying.

Whilst the paternity is in doubt, I think he should support her at any scans and pregnancy related appointments (assuming she wants that). Can he have any counselling? He needs someone to talk through his feelings about becoming a father, even if they are massively premature at this time because there isn’t a baby or he isn’t the father, but there might be more to the story than you have been told or he realises and perhaps she started her pill midcycle when ovulating or he didn’t wear a condom and is pregnant.

I would second the advice about doing a Google reverse check on the scan photo just in case it's been snaffled off the internet then take charge and let the girl know your ds's fragile mental state means you will be her contact until she feels ready to tell her parents but she needs to do that NOW. And 100% yes to DNA

My bofriend and I at 17 and him 18 had an unplanned pregnancy.
I knew I was choosing to keep the baby but gave him the option of being as involved or uninvolved as he wanted.
I had great support system in my parents. He never told his parents, my mum did in the end.
We all ended up meeting with my boyfriend and his mum to discuss how we all could work together and what roles we wanted in the child's life.
Is it a possibility for you all to meet with her and her parent(s) to chat things through? (Yes she doesn't want her parent to know but they really should know. Emotionally they are still kids and need adults to help support them-i say that from experience)

I would also look into councilling for your son. He is fragile and could do with someone independant to talk to also.

And a DNA test would not hurt if the pregnacy continues.
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend but understood we where young and if he needed that reassurance though DNA I would have been happy to comply.
So should this girl if there is nothing to hide.

I take it he's told her the relationship is off.

I'd get him to send a text reintegrating that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, that the pregnancy was unplanned, he'd prefer if she had an abortion as he's not well enough mentally for this but after a dna test he will support the baby.

And I'd keep sending it. If she becomes abusive I'd suggest he puts his phone away for a few hours or blocks her apart for an hour a night.

I think you should tell her mum, you all need to sit down and talk about this together. I would also want to see a new positive test done whilst I was in the same house as her!

I think I'd give her a week to tell her mum, saying they both need the support of both their parents as they're so young.

she sounds incredibly immature and unrealistic in her thinking. in her mind this pregnancy is a gateway into a happy new fantasy life where everything is ok.

its not her fault. she is just very very immature and does not realise what a cockup she is making. she probably won't have the maturity and self-knowledge to realise this for at least another 10-15 years.

the situation I got myself into age 20 was completely different to this but still I see an echo of it.

obviously whether or not she has an abortion is 100% her choice but she does not get to choose how active a hands-on-dad the father of her child is. whether or not that person is your DS, and as pp say it may be someone else. whoever it is, while he has an absolute obligation to contribute what he can to the child's upkeep he has no obligation to be in a relationship with her. she needs an intervention to help he understand this - that this is serious.

you, ds and her parents need to assemble and have a very serious grown up talk about all this.

I sympathise OP. Ideally this girl would have a termination...they are both very young and parenthood is not what anyone would want for them. Your ds is obligated to provide financially but not obligated to do snything else. This girl needs to know that she will be a single parent. I hope she sees sense

Obviously we have no idea what her family support is like, is she thinking she'll be given a council flat etc. Maybe some information to her might make her see reality

I am really grateful to the people who have posted their experiences, thank you so much.

I don’t know her name or anything about her family.
I really don’t know why she didn’t seek emergency contraception after the condom tore.
She supplied the condom.

He has seen a notification of the scan appt. hence he believes she is pregnant.

I would be willing to meet with her family, with her, whatever it takes.

I am discussing his ongoing mh treatment with him. From experience, finding a counsellor for him would be just the first part of the issue - we can’t force him to talk to them.
When he is in a dark place he becomes very uncommunicative and shut down, emotionally unavailable, won’t eat or participate in the world.

Oh I wouldn’t be waiting another week for her to tell her mum. Her mum will be picking her up from all this - she needs telling now.

She might also be waiting just long enough for it to be too late for an termination before she tells her parents.

Do you know OP she might not be pregnant. That’s not evidence she’s pregnant.

Ask him to say what her name is and where she lives and go over. Get a head on this op as it’s you that’s going to be picking up the pieces

I agree with pp that if your son is not up to handling this situation emotionally or practically, then you as the parent should step in. In your shoes I would be organising a family meeting in my kitchen to which I would be inviting the (former?) girlfriend and her parents and I would get everything out in the open: eg your son's MH issues and allow his former gf to have her say too and then no one is under any illusions about current circumstances. Not an easy thing to have to do for any of you but better to try and have everyone communicating honestly and openly and in a civil way, and there being no misunderstandings.

Does your DS know how many people she’s told, OP?

Unless she has a strained relationship with her mum, surely a scared and lonely teenager would need her support and therefore telling her. The whole “I’m not telling her until I’m 12 weeks incase of miscarriage” seems a bit odd to me. There’s might be some legitimate reason that you or DS aren’t privy to which would explain it, but from the outside it does look like she could claim to have a miscarriage without anyone insisting that she goes to the hospital or pick holes in a story.

If she is pregnant she needs help and support from people who care about her. I’d like to see some firmer proof before encouraging her to tell an adult that’s close to her what’s going on.

How pregnant is she? Coz too don't usually see a midwife till 8 weeks and they are the ones that refer you for your scan so if it's only very early days she wouldn't have anything through for a scan yet.

Sorry hadn't realised gf hasn't told her mother yet. That does make things difficult. I would encourage her to do so I think.

Also, having re-read my earlier post, "if your son is not up to handling this situation" sounds a bit unkind which wasn't my intention. I meant if he is overwhelmed by the enormity of it all owing to his mh issues etc...

I was going to say exactly the same as strawberry 2017. In my trust you see the midwife at 8 weeks and not a moment before. They book your scan in and you'll get the letter for the 12 week scsn by the 11th. I might be wrong but I dont see it happening much before that as, sadly, they'd be so many scan appointments no longer needed.

In fairness Gruffalo, I think it depends on the trust.

In mine you just send a referral form through your GP surgery when you find out you’re pregnant - you get sent a letter confirming your booking appointment and 10-12 weeks scan which happen on the same day. You’re asked to cancel the appointment “if no longer required”.

I would no way have told my mum at 17 if this had happened to me as she would have not allowed me to consider an abortion/ kicked me out/ attacked me/ tried to take any baby to raise herself. We are nc now. Please don't tell her parents for her without knowing what they're like and respect that she may have good reasons for not going to them for support. I think it's worth having the girl over for a chat and to talk about the situation and find out more about her. Even if they are not going to be in a relationship they are going to need to communicate positively and you will be able to meet her and potentially build a relationship. She may be the mother of your first grandchild and she'll remember any kindness at this time. Your ds sounds like he is really struggling with his mental health but the way this is handled now has long term implications for both vulnerable young people involved and stress in pregnancy can be damaging. A way for him to feel some control in this situation is to accept that the decision is out of his hands and what he can control is his behaviour and treating this young woman with as much respect and clarity as he can while still looking after himself. Wishing it wasn't happening is going to be more painful and damaging to his sense of self in the long run than feeling like he is proactively handling the pregnancy stage with integrity and kindness. You'll find out in time if the baby is definitely his but you have to do the best you can in the mean time with the information you have. If the baby is his he can decide then how much he wants to be involved and how much he can cope with. All the best I can understand how much you want to protect your son.

If hes really not interested in a relationship with her, or really even having a child, then he doesnt have to support her through this. He doesnt have to speak to her.
Ask him to be totally honest with you as to whether he used a condom and used it properly, because if he used a condom every time with her, whether or not she was on the pill, then the chances are, he did not get her pregnant. If she was also on the pill, then clearly its not his kid.
If its his baby then a DNA test can be done later and he needs to be financially responsible then, if not build a relationship with the child in the future if she wants, but it sounds to me like it could all be bullshit

I've been there before on the other side when dniece was a pregnant teen. He needs to take it one step at a time.

First steps for him is to make his position 100% clear and consistent, as kindly as possible. He is 19 he doesn't want a child, he doesn't want a relationship with her and that will not change. If she chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy he will support his child financially (as much as an 19 year can) and he will seek formal access arrangements to have a relationship with his child (not her).

He will support his child, but harsh as it is he needs to be clear if she goes ahead with the pregnancy, it will be as a single parent. Keep repeating and be consistent, don't leave room for misunderstanding or romantic hope. The biggest problem my dniece had was her bf giving mixed messages and confusing her.

It isn't fair for you or your ds to tell her parents, but to be honest I probably would as she is only 17 and will need the support.

He doesn't worry yet about the consequences if she does decide to go-ahead. Cross that bridge when it comes.

@Branleuse you do know contraception isn’t 100% effective don’t you? I was on the pill and my ex used a condom but DD still managed to be made

I haven't been in your position so I can only imagine how difficult and distressing for you this is. I do have some experience of serious mental health issues in young people and do understand the ‘normal’ advice and responses aren’t going to be that helpful to you.

Try to take a deep breath and pause: either the baby will be forthcoming or not, a dna test will prove whether its his or not. But thats’ not for months yet. This is a long game.

In the meantime, can you support him to reduce or break the contact with her: go grey rock. It seems as though her real objective is a relationship with him. If you and he can be consistent in helping him establish that is not going to happen then he might find that helps him (and you might find the baby just vanishes...)

Ultimately, if she is carrying his baby unfortunately he is going to have to take some responsibility, but you have until September to manage that so I would say focus on the relationship issue for now.

But to you and to him, horrible for you all.