Anyone any similar experiences of supporting son through unwanted pregnancy?

[BarelyTreadingWater]

My son is not an irresponsible person, he used a condom and she said she was on the pill but now she says she is pregnant (very early days).

He is just 19, she is almost 18.

The relationship was casual, he was only cautiously starting to date again after a break up that left him in a very bad way.

He doesn’t want this child, she says she does but the conversations seem to be more about her trying to persuade him to be in a more committed relationship with her.

She is texting and calling constantly, either cajoling or trying to provoke an argument. Anything to get a response from him. If it’s not the one she wants she kicks off. It feels like she will say and do anything to pressure him into a relationship.

I fully appreciate that being pregnant is a difficult situation to find yourself at 17 (I have girls too). It is of course her choice what decision she makes about the pregnancy.
I don’t think she really realises that he doesn’t have the resilience to look after her and a child at the moment - he was only just starting to recover himself after several suicide attempts in the last 2 years.
It has taken a long while to get him to this stage where he was coping with most every day things. He wanted to take things slowly.

Now he feels that he ought to support any child that is his but can’t see how he will cope with the stresses a child and coparenting will bring. He has some insight as one of his sisters is in a relationship with a guy who has a child by his previous partner.

He is so distraught and in so much emotional pain that I genuinely fear for his safety.

*his obligations not your obligations obviously

As a 17 year old it will feel like the end of the world a relationship is ending, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it is a made up pregnancy to try influence him to stay with her.

Big red flag for me would not be telling her parents till 12 weeks even though there is a chance others would find out from your son.

How far gone is she claiming to be?
Maybe get your son to be upfront with her, stating in no uncertain terms is he going to ever be in a romantic relationship with her, then ask to accompany her to her booking appointment.

Should it turn out she is pregnant obviously no one can force him to be a father but whether he works now or not, at sometime he will be responsible for the financial side of a child.

Also, maybe nows a good time to reiterate sex can equate to pregnancy regardless of contraception.

Also, please do encourage him to seek help from the GP regarding he fragile state of mind as this is a huge thing for anyone to take on never mind a teenager.

Do remember if she is pregnant, pregnancy is a highly emotional time for a women and add the mix of teenage hormones it's going to be a hard time for her and her mind will be all over the place.

I think he needs to send a very decisive message that stares he is not interested in raising the child or having any involvement other than financial and stop the back and forth messaging. It’s obviously giving her hope which isn’t fair.

After this, should she continue with saying there is a baby and it’s his, you do a paternity test. If it’s his, he pays for it.

States not stares

Your son needs a pregnancy test, a therapist and possibly a lawyer, in that order.

I wish so much that it was as simple as a case of saying “well son you have responsibilities now, best get your head together in the next 8 months”. I don’t think mental health works like that, otherwise we wouldn’t have been spending the last 2 years battling to help him in his recovery so far.

Young girls don’t have a monopoly on vulnerability.

If hes ready to have sex and take the risks then hes no choice but deal with the consequences or lose his child.

I would call a family meeting, she has no choice but to turn to her parents as she has no other choice, waiting for 3 months in case of mc is not.something you do at their age, how unrealistic.

Shes very immature, and clearly your DS wasn't in any good state to get involved again. He has to take responsibility for that.

If she's pregnant neither of them should be able to walk away, but she can't unless she wanted an abortion, which she doesn't.

I think you might invite her over to have a real facts of life discussion, so he needs ro answer her calls and ask her over.

If he can't.maybe you need to, or approach her parents to let them know your ds is in over his head despite his decision to have sex.

I am so sorry your da is having such an awful time day to day. I hope he is getting good professional support, I don't think it's easy to get.

The not wanting to tell her parents until she is 12 weeks is ringing alarm bells for me. Is she scared her parents will push her into an abortion? She must feel very alone.

Your son is lucky to have you to support him. When he talks to her, can he also maybe talk to her about what kind of support she has.

Young girls don’t have a monopoly on vulnerability.

No, but she's the one you want to leave holding the baby, literally and figuratively. What is the alternative? He renounces all responsibility for the sake of his mental health and she is either forced into an abortion she may not want, or left as a single parent with no support from the person who had equal responsibility for the creation of a child?

Unfortunately once a child is involved it's their needs and their vulnerability that trumps anyone else's and like it or not, your son has a moral and financial responsibility to said child. Of course nobody can force him to live up to those responsibilities and I totally understand why your instinct as a parent is to protect him from them, but you can't.

I am strongly pro-choice and I hope this young woman understands her options but unfortunately at this point the decision is hers and hers alone. Your son can make his preference clear, and he can make it clear that there's no future for them as a couple but beyond that, the ball is in her court and all you and your son can do is prepare as best he can.

I have never once said I wouldn’t support him in his responsibilities.

There’s just a double standard here.

Some are saying “he shouldn’t have had sex if he wasn’t ready for the responsibilities” - neither should she. Isn’t hindsight wonderful.

I have girls too. I have been through this from the other side. Believe me I understand exactly how scared she will be.

He is trying to get her to let her mum know - she needs more support than he is capable of providing.
This is an issue that would test a fully stable person.
He will try to carry this burden and I will help. It’s just a desperate place to be in.

I’m buying shares in a tissue manufacturer because the logical conclusion of this is that no bloke should have sex if he isn’t actively wanting to procreate.
Think about it. The only contraception in his control is a condom. In the event of a contraception malfunction he is stuffed. Nowhere to go except raise a child and pay for it.

A woman has the choice to seek emergency contraception or an abortion or carry the child - all knowing that he had actively tried to prevent pregnancy by wearing a condom. None of these are ideal options but at least she has a choice.

The ethics here are not so cut and dried.

I would disagree with some of the posts actually, I have mental health issues there have times in my life I've struggled (hospital admissions) if he's unwell he still needs to take some responsibility that his girlfriend is pregnant if I was her I'd be terrified. It takes two. Regardless of whether he wants the child in 9 months he may be a father and maybe it will take time for him to be well enough to be in this role but I'd suggest he talks to a counsellor to try and get his head together I feel sorry for both of them but as a woman if I fell pregnant and was deserted I'd feel incredibly let down and probably just as emotional as you say she is being

He needs to tell her he'll support the child but will not be in a relationship with her. And stand by this. But tbh it might not be unwise to have a DNA test once the child is here. A similar thing happened to a friend's grandson, he was 18 and she was 17. Come to find out, the child was not his.

It’s a lot to get his head around and I can understand that he is panicking and you are worried. But I don’t think you’re doing your son any favours by indulging this idea that his mental health is ‘the thing’. Actually, there is a pregnant teenage girl and potentially a baby here. They both matter.

He has some time to get some help for his mental health issues and process this situation. But it would be very wrong to support him in walking away from this. He is young, but he isn’t a child. He needs to accept responsibility.

I would also say that people with mental health issues can still be great parents I have bipolar and my two girls have enhanced and stabilised my mental health they give me complete reason to keep myself well xx

I don't think your son should do anything until there's a DNA test to confirm paternity.

He was careful with protection, so why has she ended up pregnant?

They were having a casual relationship so nobody but her knows who else she was sleeping with.

Barely I had a baby at just 16. So I understand what what’s she’s probably going through now.

However - if this was my son and he was just recovering from mental illness - this is what I’d do.

I’d agree with him that he should support his child but I’d also tell him that you will shoulder most of the burden whilst he is still getting well.

I’d get in touch with the girl and her mother explain the situation and say that whilst he cares about her - he can’t be the person she wants right now but you both of you will support her and the pregnancy but the phone calls have to stop whilst he figures out a way through this. I’d also mention this wasn’t a planned baby and he needs time to process the situation but will be there for scans ects.. . Because I’m telling you now she won’t leave him alone. I’ve been there. She will be in panic mode right now making sure her baby has a dad and add the fact she might even love him PLUS pregnancy hormones - she will be in bits. I was.

This is really shit for you all and shit timing but you’ve got to box clever here or he will end up unwell again and I’d tell your Ds that if he wants to be a good dad he has to focus on his mental health and finding a good job to support this child later on down the road.

There is no point in getting pissed off about what’s happened because that baby is on it way you’ve just got to start managing it properly.

I just want to add - dd1 grandmother welcomed me and dd in to her family. She honestly helped me out so much and we’re still strong friends 26 years later and I owe her so much. She wasn’t best pleased her son was a dad at 17 but life deals you shit hands sometimes.

Manage the situation.

I think I’d be inviting her over for a conversation. Difficult but you’re the real adult here and you need to help them both. I’d be encouraging her to tell her parents and if she does, inviting them too.

Then you need to establish whether she is pregnant and if so, help her to access some counselling in order to make a decision - I’d not be assuming she’s 100% sure about having it - and helping them both decide on a plan. I’d also be continuing with whatever you’ve been doing previously to support your son’s mental health, i.e. counselling, anti depressants etc. Good luck, this sounds hard.

There are people here suggesting that he gets invested with both mother and baby before the birth despite there being no proof that he is the father.

Better for your DS to get involved after the DNA test is done OP. That way he can support mother and baby knowing the child is definitely his.

LouReid thanks so much sharing for your perspective.

Managing it whilst keeping my son alive is what I’m trying to do.

mochocolate
really not indulging him.

I don’t think you’re understanding that I’m facing the loss of my son at his own hands because he will try to face up to his responsibilities.

And no I’m not being over dramatic. You have no idea what we have been through.

Do you think she's telling the truth OP?

He doesn't have to have anything to do with her or the child.
She doesn't have that luxury.
Your son, in his willingness to accept his moral responsibility sounds a fine young man and I'm sure you'll be supporting him in his decision to do that.
He is an adult, so is she, even if both are still young. They need to decide what to do together. I wouldn't go around hoping it wasn't his, or that she's trying to trap him. Or that she'd tampered with his condom or lied about the pill, convenient though all of those things may be to absolve him. The truth is more likely to be far less exciting.

Tell your son to call her, you take the phone, tell her your son can not cope with her calling him all the time, that when the baby arrives you want a DNA test, and that she can now contact you instead.
Give her your mobile number then block her on his phone.

Maybe the relationship wasn’t as casual for her as it was your son and this is her way of trying to make it more serious?

I would have my doubts too. Could you ask your son to get her to do a digital test ostensibly to find out how far along she is, but this will obviously show if she is indeed pregnant.

Is she frightened of her parents? What is the home set up?