Nervous of meeting my daughter!

[Slimerecipehell]

My 16yr dd moved to her dads 2 yrs ago after saying I always had a go at her. There were never any arguments, just a bit of mother/daughter teenage angst.
Things have not been good with her withdrawing weekly contact then extended family contact. It’s not about me but it has left me on antidepressants, she has agreed to meet me for lunch tomorrow and I am absolutely over the moon. My question is, do I go in expecting answers or do I play it casual and just enjoy her company? She has put me through hell over the last few months, calling the shots but at the end of the day she is my daughter.

I would go and enjoy her company.

If you go expecting answers she may push back and not see you again (hopefully she wouldn't but just incase)

I hope things work out for you both

Just enjoy her company. If you go in wanting answers she may perceive it as an attack, and just pull away again. From the info you've given, I'd say take it slowly and rebuild your relationship from the ground up, remembering that she's approaching adulthood. What you view as mother-daughter angst, she may see very differently, and you need to show some respect for that even if you don't agree.

I think I would keep it very casual - she is probably quite nervous about seeing you as well!

I'd let the conversation revolve around her initially - what's she been up to, how are any activities/sports/hobbies going, how is school, etc.

Then I'd say "It's so lovely to see you. I've really missed your company. Maybe we could make this a regular thing?"

Don't ask anything about her dad. Avoid becoming emotional and/or saying anything like "You've really hurt me by withdrawing contact."

Good luck, I hope it goes well!

Thank you so much for your replies. Yes I think I will just go with the fact that she has agreed to meet and enjoy her company. This is the most enthusiastic and responsive she has been in ages so I will take that as a positive and not put her under any pressure. I’m not expecting the world, just to see her and check she’s happy and doing ok.

How did it go op

It was lovely,I went with no expectations, we had a lovely lunch and wander around the sales. I didn’t bring up any of the ongoing issues-right now I need to concentrate on us liking each other again and not what everyone else thinks I should be doing. It’s baby steps but they’re positive!

So glad it went well. Fingers crossed you see her again soon

So glad it went well. Whilst you are apart maybe you could write to her. My friend left her controlling, violent, drunk of a husband when her son was 10. He manipulated their son into living with him and the court allowed it as the son was old enough to have an opinion (this was 1980s so might be different now). So for four years she was unable to see him but she wrote to him via her parents (who saw him) a lot and finally one day he turned up on her doorstep asking to live with her as he was having a terrible time. He has only seen his father once since then but his Dad was too drunk to know. He is now in his 40s but showing him that she wanted him by writing chatty letters helped a lot.

Be happy to see her, buy lunch and catch up. Lots of laughs and hugs. If she wants to talk about anything serious then be factual and unemotional. Be prepared to apologize.

Hi just seen your update sorry!
Fabulous xxx