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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD, 18, may have been ghosted on Instagram DM, stop me from committing murder

65 replies

HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 02:14

So, DD has never had a boyfriend but met a lovely boy whilst our families were volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. The pair really hit it off and she found him on IG and messaged him. They've been chatting for almost a week until NYE when, since then, radio silence and she's been 'held on red '.
Poor DD is gutted, wracked with self doubt, confusion and sadness. It's so sad.
I'm trying to hold out that he's just busy, hungover from NYE, maybe lost his phone but I worry that she's been ghosted.
WWYD? I've been encouraging DD to send one more message to see if he picks up the conversation again but she's reluctant to do do, convinced he's not interested. From what she tells me from their previous exchanges I I don't believe that's the case.
I don't want to interfere too much but inside Mama Bear is raging and I just want to shake this lad and tell him to either get back to her or at least tell he's not interested. This, if intentional, seems so cruel.
Please advise before I go all private detective on the poor fellow and arrange an assassination...😁

OP posts:
5zeds · 02/01/2020 02:17

You are MASSIVELY over involved.

Original poster
HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 02:18

I know!! HELP!!

OP posts:
TanteRose · 02/01/2020 02:18

Bloody hell, what a load of drama for some random she's known for a week!

MiniGuinness · 02/01/2020 02:23

You won’t help her. She’s 18, how mortifying you are this involved. It’s not normal.

VaggieMight · 02/01/2020 02:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

rainbowlou · 02/01/2020 02:24

I’m cringing at mama bear 🙈
What would I do? Absolutely nothing.
She is 18, It’s been a week and you’re completely over reacting!
Please don’t interfere and encourage her to embarrass herself.

Macaroni46 · 02/01/2020 02:25

Just tell her that unfortunately these things happen sometimes, that she's bigger and better than the guy and then just step away. Do not get involved and do not encourage her to send another message. If he's interested he'll get in contact. If he's not, he's not.
Sorry OP, upsetting though it is to see your DD upset, you can't make this better for her and in the grand scheme of things it's not really a big deal.
Having a boyfriend isn't the be all and end all.

WarmthAndDepth · 02/01/2020 02:25

Take a step back, OP; an important life lesson is in the process of being delivered. Grant your DD the space to experience it for herself and to learn from it. Be there with gentle commiserations and acknowledgement of her hurt if she seeks comfort, but do cease and desist on the Mama Bearage.

timeisnotaline · 02/01/2020 02:26

She’s known him for a week? And you are ‘this mama bear’? Say kindly it takes a while to get to know people, it’s great to assume they’ll be lovely but a good reminder not to overcommit early. At least you found out quickly.
Also I assume he’s 18 too. He could be lovely, just because he hasnt messaged some girl for a week when he only met her a couple of weeks ago is completely normal.
Try to be less over the top with this parenting thing. At that age there is no way my parents would know about this boy yet.

QueenofPain · 02/01/2020 02:27

She needs to post a fire selfie and have lots of other male IG pals like the photo, also lots of other IG posts of her out having a fab time, maybe a post to her IG story with another boy, with an ambiguous caption. That is how to play the game.

Whether it’s a good idea to start game playing is another matter but it will get his attention.

Did he give her his IG username or did she stalk him and find him that way?

katewhinesalot · 02/01/2020 02:27

We do feel their pain but we have to hide our over involvement and zip our mouths.

Tinty · 02/01/2020 02:29

Leave your DD’s private life to her. It is not your business. Your job is to mop tears and hold her hand when things don’t work out.

Not to interfere in normal teenage relationship dramas (unless boy is abusive or a druggy or alcoholic etc),

Expressedways · 02/01/2020 02:33

He’s probably not that interested but he doesn’t matter that much and you should be telling her to forget about him! You should absolutely not be telling her to be so desperate as to message him again. All this drama over a random guy she’s met once and messaged a few times over the course of a week probably isn’t helping her self esteem. Tell her to go out with friends and have some fun to take her mind off it! If he IS interested a few posts of her having a good time might remind him to reply.

BlueRussianCat · 02/01/2020 02:35

This post sounds like you might be talking about your 13 year old, not an adult.

Original poster
HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 02:36

Thanks everyone, you're all right. I am over involved but I'm totally new to this, just struggling with DD being so upset. To clarify, I'm just venting here in a safe place, and Mama Bear is, and shall remain caged. I don't want to be THAT Mum and my own reactions have completely side swiped me. I KNOW that she needs to work it out herself, and am also very grateful she talks to me but, holy crap, I'm struggling with keeping out of it. I've never been one to fight my kids' battles before so why now?
Wondering if it's coming to terms that she'll be heading to Uni this year that's clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 02:37

Seriously, OP? All this angst about a guy she met once and has messaged for a week?

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 02:38

X-post with you, OP. The best thing you can do is model a healthy response to this.

LonginesPrime · 02/01/2020 02:40

WTF, OP?

Poor DD is gutted, wracked with self doubt, confusion and sadness. It's so sad.

Really? Is it? Do you think you're projecting st all here, or is she picking up on your dramatic take on all of this?

You make it sound like it's Romeo and Juliet, but it's just some random guy she met a week ago. She's probably confused by your reaction.

I'm trying to hold out that he's just busy, hungover from NYE, maybe lost his phone but I worry that she's been ghosted.

And what's the worst that can happen if she's been ghosted? Surely she just moves on and thinks 'lucky escape' like everyone else does?

It sounds like you're suggesting to her that it would be somehow terrible for her to be ghosted, like it would be somehow her fault? If a guy stops texting after a week, that's obviously not because of some major flaw in her personality, is it? He doesn't even know her!

Bouledeneige · 02/01/2020 02:42

These things happen all the time to teenagers and it's good she gets experience of it sooner rather than later. She will learn not to over invest in messaging - it doesn't mean anything till they want to meet up and even then caution is to be advised. People are fickle and a week is no time at all. In all honesty he probably met someone on NYE and is texting them!

Stand back and let her get on with it. It's not personal.

DarkMutterings · 02/01/2020 02:42

You wonder why you're over reacting (and you are hugely..) - just a guess but as a teen were you ever dumped or treated badly by a bloke? I find teenage years and relationships can sometimes dredge up old feelings for parents. They want to save their kids from that pain and sometimes on a very subconscious level want to get back at some hurt they felt them self, back in the day.

Anyway that's my arm chair psychotherapy for the day Wink

But seriously back off and remind her some people are just arse holes, even if they volunteer in soup kitchens

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2020 02:52

OMG. Your reaction is totally unhinged. Stay out of your daughter's private life because you will only make a complete disaster of it.

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 02:55

My mother, left to herself, magnifies minor problems or disappointments into major failures or miseries, with the result that telling her anything is counter-productive because all she will do is multiply magnify your worry or upset back at you — the result is that none of her adult children tell her anything because it makes us feel much worse. My sister didn’t tell her about her cancer diagnosis, for instance, because who needs the extra upset and worry, rather than some calm support?

I think you know this, OP, but I’m just saying. My mother thinks she has such secretive children...

sobeyondthehills · 02/01/2020 02:58

Christ some of these answers.

OP, just let her crack on, give her some friendly advice from experience but support her in what she wants to do

And while I dont have an adult child, I do understand the urge to want to do something to stop them from being even slightly hurt and want to be able to vent somewhere safe away from them about what you want to do but actually will never do

DeRigueurMortis · 02/01/2020 02:58

They met on Christmas Day.....

FFS it's not even a relationship.

You sound completely unhinged and adding/investing in the drama.

Give your DD some space and for goodness sake stop acting like a teenager yourself.

This whole "mama bear" is ludicrous - it's simply a justification for you trying to live vicariously through your own child and needlessly create emotional drama for you to bathe in

Stop it Hmm

Original poster
HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 03:02

@sobeyondthehills
Thank you.

OP posts:
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