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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD, 18, may have been ghosted on Instagram DM, stop me from committing murder

65 replies

HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 02:14

So, DD has never had a boyfriend but met a lovely boy whilst our families were volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. The pair really hit it off and she found him on IG and messaged him. They've been chatting for almost a week until NYE when, since then, radio silence and she's been 'held on red '.
Poor DD is gutted, wracked with self doubt, confusion and sadness. It's so sad.
I'm trying to hold out that he's just busy, hungover from NYE, maybe lost his phone but I worry that she's been ghosted.
WWYD? I've been encouraging DD to send one more message to see if he picks up the conversation again but she's reluctant to do do, convinced he's not interested. From what she tells me from their previous exchanges I I don't believe that's the case.
I don't want to interfere too much but inside Mama Bear is raging and I just want to shake this lad and tell him to either get back to her or at least tell he's not interested. This, if intentional, seems so cruel.
Please advise before I go all private detective on the poor fellow and arrange an assassination...😁

OP posts:
TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 02/01/2020 03:09

Right, so he didn’t offer her his details or ask her for hers - she tracked him down?

He owes her nothing, not even particularly an explanation for not continuing the conversation.

This is just a case of ‘he’s just not that into her’. Definitely do not encourage her to message him again - how desperate do you want her to look?!

Hundredacrewoods · 02/01/2020 03:09

He is barely an acquaintance and owes your daughter nothing, same as she doesn’t owe any random man she met once anything.

Alonglongway · 02/01/2020 03:12

Have dds of 19 and 22. I think you just have to leave them to it and leave all the doors open so they can talk to you. I’m a techy person but nonetheless I have not grown up with social media in the way my Dds have and it’s so very different

MsMellivora · 02/01/2020 03:31

The worst thing you could ever do is encourage her to chase after him or any man. She will appear desperate and that is a sure way to repel men and the same for all romantic possibilities.

Toomanygerbils · 02/01/2020 03:38

Yep you sound more like a psycho bear than a momma bear now. You love your daughter but he’s only a boy and only just met her. He’s done nothing wrong. Teach her this, it’s a learning moment

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/01/2020 04:24

I totally understand your feelings OP! As sobe says give her some low key, friendly advice and be supportive. As I recall this is the sort of thing I used to rant to my girlfriends about rather than my mum, does she not have any (good) friends nearby she can rely on to bolster her when love interests go wrong?

Original poster
HalloumiHarlot · 02/01/2020 07:06

@BoomBoomsCousin she does have friends who I've encouraged her to talk to but none have had boyfriends either so can't really offer any further advice.
To the rest, thanks for your input. I just wanted to rant but was quite clearly taken literally by many, perhaps I wasn't being as "humorous" as I thought I was.
Anyway, lesson learnt, hands off and Mama Bear is retiring to her cave to hibernate for a bit.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 02/01/2020 07:19

Poor DD is gutted, wracked with self doubt, confusion and sadness. It's so sad. Over a guy she has known less than 2 weeks? Tell her to move on. She barely knows him, and he's not worth her upset.

I'm trying to hold out that he's just busy, hungover from NYE
Why? He's an arse, possibly playing her. Tell her to forget about him.

I've been encouraging DD to send one more message to see if he picks up the conversation again but she's reluctant to do do Good!!! You are encouraging her to be needy and prolong her upset.

Both of you need perspective. He owes you nothing. She barely knows him and you both need to move on.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 02/01/2020 07:22

Come off it op. This is a boy that she met a week ago and has exchanged a few messages with, after she tracked him down. He hasn't replied to her for 1 day - that's hardly ghosting right now is it? Maybe he's been busy, or hungover from New Year's eve.

Why are either of you so angsty about this? He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe he will reply in a day or to, maybe he won't. Maybe he doesn't like her in the way that she likes him, bearing in mind that she approached him, and doesn't.know how to handle the situation because he's inexperienced too? Whatever, it doesn't make him mean or an arsehole as some posters have said.

Your advice to her should be not to invest too much of herself into fledgling friendships and to just leave this and see what happens. Maybe it will progress, maybe it won't. No big deal, she has known him for 1 week!

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 07:25

You're not mama bear 🙄 you're a liability

Noti23 · 02/01/2020 07:31

That’s life, I’m afraid. This isn’t a big deal. Your daughter is 18 and a boy she met a week ago hasn’t messaged her back in 1 day. Am I missing something?

Emmapeeler1 · 02/01/2020 07:38

My mother, left to herself, magnifies minor problems or disappointments into major failures or miseries, with the result that telling her anything is counter-productive because all she will do is multiply magnify your worry or upset back at you — the result is that none of her adult children tell her anything because it makes us feel much worse

Same here.

Being ghosted is crap but sadly it’s what (rude) people do these days, sometimes for inexplicable reasons. Your SD sounds to be handling it very maturely. He’s clearly not worth a second thought.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/01/2020 07:38

She needs to post a fire selfie and have lots of other male IG pals like the photo, also lots of other IG posts of her out having a fab time, maybe a post to her IG story with another boy, with an ambiguous caption. That is how to play the game.

Ugh. So we should teach our daughters then only way to validate themselves is to get men to validate them??? What a life lesson. Hmm

OP, you're better off telling your DD that sometimes she might meet someone and hit it off but they for whatever reason he isn't interested and it's shit, but better to know now than further down the line when she's more invested.

wishingforapositiveyear · 02/01/2020 07:41

OP he wasn't a boyfriend they hadn't even had a date , I'm struggling to understand all the hysteria. Your DD will end up being unhinged if you buy into all this madness , you just stay out of it. If you must get involved you need to offer normal advice such as i know you fancied him but only met once sadly that's life it happens move on ! To be brutal he was probably just being friendly /polite but in no way liked your DD like that it's not ghosted just not interested.

SD1978 · 02/01/2020 07:43

You need to back off. Going 'Mamma bear' when your daughter is an adult, and upset over a lad she met once and has talked to for a week is a gigantic over reaction. She has also over reacted. There is not relationship there- she's over invested in a stranger; and you're encouraging it. You both need to calm down and back off, and you need to not be so over involved in a young adults life that you exacerbate the situation.

MarshaBradyo · 02/01/2020 07:43

Agree with the liability comment.

The selfie advice is ridiculous too.

What a drama

Mesacasa · 02/01/2020 07:46

You should take this opportunity to teach your daughter not to equate her self worth to how a man reacts or responds to her. Sounds like you're doing the opposite right now. But tomorrow is a new day! Good luck.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/01/2020 07:49

A lad she met at an event her mother took her too, a lad she tracked down on Instagram, a lad she pursued on Instagram. Is he allowed a choice here?

MsJaneAusten · 02/01/2020 07:49

Wow. Your job now is to help her develop some resilience. These things happen. Plenty more fish. Don’t get over invested so soon. Yadda yadda.

Don’t turn it into a drama. It doesn’t need to be.

Roselilly36 · 02/01/2020 07:52

Handhold OP, you are getting a hard time on here, you are her mum and of course it’s natural that you want to avoid your DD getting hurt. But you will cause yourself untold stress if you continue getting involved, your DD is an adult and will handle her relationships how she thinks is best, be there to give advice/shoulder to cry on when she needs it.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 07:56

He's probably been on a boozy bender and is still hanging out of his arse.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 07:57

She needs to build resilience though and not be so desperately drippy for a man she met 2 weeks ago. She's 18, not 14.

LynetteScavo · 02/01/2020 08:18

So he hasn't communicated with her for one day?

What should a lad actually say? - I know you really like me because you found me in insta and have been messaging me all week, but you ought to know I snogged someone last night and I'm just not that into you. ?

Just give him some space. Your DD has the right idea. He know how to contact her if he wants to.

VulcanRay · 02/01/2020 08:28

There's no battle to stay out of OP, this is a total non thing. Not even worthy of a 'humourous' (if you say so Hmm) thread.

sarahjconnor · 02/01/2020 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.