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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

15 year old daughter - unwanted attention from work collegue

76 replies

JoeP1984 · 19/12/2019 17:00

Hello, I was hoping for some advice and thought this would be a good pace to start on the right way about things. I'll try not to make it too long but it's quite serious.

My wife and I live in a lovely, small village and have two daughters aged 15 and 11. My 15 year old was looking for weekend work which I encouraged as I had done at her age to gain some independence and earn my own money. She was offered a job as a glass collector at our local village pub, this is when she was 14 and we met all the staff and they were all really nice. So my daughter starter working Friday or/and Saturday evenings and absolutely loved it, she also loved the fact she had her own money and was able to do all the nice things with her friends due to this.

Her manager was a male aged around 35, he was very nice to her and us and he seemed like he really looked after his staff and their well-being, making sure she was happy and enjoying work etc. As the months went by and without our knowledge he was messaging my daughter a lot, mainly friendly messages, taking interest in her life and school work, again we as parents were not aware of this and found out later that she did not tell us as felt we would stop her working there or say something which would cause her problems at work. She would reply back to the messages being polite, it was after all her manager.

Another girl who worked there, similarly aged noticed there was something not quite right and this was because she had been through the same thing as our daughter! They opened up to each other and that is when my daughter knew for definite it was not right so told another member of staff. This member of staff altered the owner immediately and he came round to see us to discuss.

In the last week or so our daughter has told us everything that happened, things she did not say at the time due to being scared of losing her job, not being believed, ruining this persons life and so on. While she was 14 he told her he was "falling for her" in which she replied with "I want to go home", instead of telling us or anymore which I was really annoyed about, she made sure she didn't work a shift with him alone. During all this time he also made friends with me and my wife, but after a couple of months I had to break away from him as he was coming up every night, messaging every day and constantly wanting to come up. He would also ask my daughter to call in and see him in the pub when she wasn't working because he was bored, he started asking her to babysit his daughter on occasions. Luckily she has kept most of the messages and back February I counted 186 messages over a couple of weeks from him, a message in which he referred to her as "gorgeous" and on one occasion told her he would teach her how to get her mum and dad to say yes to anything.

When the owner came round to talk to my daughter, my wife and I he seemed a bit protective over the manager, he had moved him to another pub he manages for the time being but seemed to suggest it could look like a girl trying to get an older man in trouble and if this other girl came forward, 2 girls trying to get an older man in trouble. When I mentioned some of the stuff I'd read he did not discuss it but seemed more bothered with saying but she replied to him didn't she? Well yes she did as he's her boss! He also kept asking why she did not come forward earlier? why did she let it carry on? Erm...maybe because she didn't think anyone would believe her, she was only 14, she didn't expect to be n that position.

The owner is coming round to see us tonight and as of yesterday did not think the other girl would come forward meaning it would just be my daughter with not a lot of evidence, I would have thought the owner would be more concerned with how his older member of staff has acted around younger girls and not make out he's innocent and been ganged up on!

He also told me that he is carrying out and internal investigation where the outcome is final and the other option was to go to the police but it had to be one or the other? Really? So if I'm not happy with the outcome of his internal investigation which he has said he makes the decision and we might not be happy with what he decides then I cannot inform the Police?

My obvious initial feeling was to go see this guy and probably end up getting arrested myself but I know I need to do this properly for my daughters sake and that of any other girls that come to be in this position in the future.

Any help or others views on this would be really helpful or if I haven't mentioned something you believe would help.

Thank you all :-)

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 19/12/2019 17:04

What does your dd want as her ideal outcome?

Finfintytint · 19/12/2019 17:08

I admire your restraint. The manager is grooming her and the owner is pretending to care.
Get your child away from this environment . She may be resentful about not earned no some money but you have to keep her safe.

Finfintytint · 19/12/2019 17:09
  • not earning some money
BrendasUmbrella · 19/12/2019 17:10

He also told me that he is carrying out and internal investigation where the outcome is final and the other option was to go to the police but it had to be one or the other?

Bollocks to his internal investigation which will inevitably reach the conclusion that boys will be boys. Go to the police. This 35 year old man in a position of authority was grooming your 14 year old. This is not a situation where you wait for his mate to conclude he did nothing wrong.

Blurby · 19/12/2019 17:11

I was in a similar situation to your daughter when I was 14. While the police route is considered the "right" thing, if there is a lack of evidence or depending on how far it goes, it can result in years of ongoing investigations which can result in no outcome. This can be hugely stressful and distressing. This is a really important time in her life and an open conversation with her about her options and what outcome she wants is vital.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/12/2019 17:11

If nothing else, both of these men need to be on the radar of the police. If both your dd and another girl working at the pub have experienced the same behaviour from him, I doubt they're the only ones. There may have been worse outcomes in other cases.

HappyHammy · 19/12/2019 17:12

Let him carry out his internal investigation, that's his perogative.
Don't let your dd work there any more.
If you want to report this to the police you can, call 111 for advice
Don't use the pub anymore
Don't let the owner come round, call and say something has come up,
there's no need for him to involve you in an internal disciplinary
Ask your dd what she would like you to do
If it's a chain I would contact their head office

Thesispieces · 19/12/2019 17:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpringFan · 19/12/2019 17:15

I wonder whether the other girl has been told that your dd has was unlikely to come forward?
I would want to discuss with the police. It sounds like grooming to me.

Alyic · 19/12/2019 17:15

I had similar when I was young, it's shit and shouldn't happen, you don't say anything because it's a bit unclear and you wonder if you're misinterpreting it and you don't have the life experience to shut it down. Best wishes to your DD

user1471449295 · 19/12/2019 17:17

Police. Fuck his ‘internal investigations’.
I admire your restraint

DameFanny · 19/12/2019 17:18

Police
Head office
Scorched earth

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 19/12/2019 17:21

Police. He’s grooming underage girls and his boss is condoning it!

Lllot5 · 19/12/2019 17:22

Call the police.
Is there a head office call them.
Raise the fucking roof.
Failing that gather a bunch of like minded men and have a word with him.

Waterandlemonjuice · 19/12/2019 17:22

I’m sorry this happened to your daughter. She needs to know you support her, which you clearly do and she needs to be assured that he was completely in the wrong and that she did the right thing telling you.

He was grooming her. It was wildly inappropriate and a horrible thing to do. Don’t speak to the manager, he is not taking it seriously. Make sure you have all the messages. Tell her that it was absolutely not ok for him to do this and it was an abuse of power. Ask the police for their advice on next steps. Teenage girls are sometimes treated like this, in my experience of having been one 😰

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/12/2019 17:23

It's not up to him if anyone calls the police about anything. Seriously, you don't have to wait for the outcome of an investigation to take this further.

However, I would be very clear that this is what your daughter wants first. You need to talk to her and see what she thinks. I would also be stopping her working there I'm afraid - whether the manager has moved bars or not, she's not in a safe environment.

He was grooming her though, 100% - it's just whether there's enough there to lead to a conviction. Your daughter may feel that it's not worth the intrusion into her life, especially if she works in a small community.

Waterandlemonjuice · 19/12/2019 17:23

And definitely report to any head office if there is one, I agree

Waterandlemonjuice · 19/12/2019 17:24

I agree that your daughter shouldn’t work there any more.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/12/2019 17:25

Check your licensing laws too. I'm sure in Scotland there's something about being a fit and proper person.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2019 17:27

I would definitely contact the police and would put off the manager coming round until the police told me what I should do.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2019 17:27

I have to admit that I don't understand why you are immediately going to the police. This man has been grooming underage girls AND you. He is a predator and he needs to be reported. This "internal investigation" thing is just bullshit. The owner is trying g to cover his own arse. I'd bet a million pounds the owner already knew that this man is trouble.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 19/12/2019 17:27

During all this time he also made friends with me and my wife

wow - massive grooming red flag right there.

Loving the victim blaming from the owner too. Your poor daughter.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2019 17:27

*aren't immediately

QueenOfCatan · 19/12/2019 17:29

He's been grooming her, you have to contact the police, they take it seriously these days.

dottiedodah · 19/12/2019 17:29

I think you should call the police ASAP ! This is overstepping boundaries by some way TBH!