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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15 year old daughter - unwanted attention from work collegue

76 replies

JoeP1984 · 19/12/2019 17:00

Hello, I was hoping for some advice and thought this would be a good pace to start on the right way about things. I'll try not to make it too long but it's quite serious.

My wife and I live in a lovely, small village and have two daughters aged 15 and 11. My 15 year old was looking for weekend work which I encouraged as I had done at her age to gain some independence and earn my own money. She was offered a job as a glass collector at our local village pub, this is when she was 14 and we met all the staff and they were all really nice. So my daughter starter working Friday or/and Saturday evenings and absolutely loved it, she also loved the fact she had her own money and was able to do all the nice things with her friends due to this.

Her manager was a male aged around 35, he was very nice to her and us and he seemed like he really looked after his staff and their well-being, making sure she was happy and enjoying work etc. As the months went by and without our knowledge he was messaging my daughter a lot, mainly friendly messages, taking interest in her life and school work, again we as parents were not aware of this and found out later that she did not tell us as felt we would stop her working there or say something which would cause her problems at work. She would reply back to the messages being polite, it was after all her manager.

Another girl who worked there, similarly aged noticed there was something not quite right and this was because she had been through the same thing as our daughter! They opened up to each other and that is when my daughter knew for definite it was not right so told another member of staff. This member of staff altered the owner immediately and he came round to see us to discuss.

In the last week or so our daughter has told us everything that happened, things she did not say at the time due to being scared of losing her job, not being believed, ruining this persons life and so on. While she was 14 he told her he was "falling for her" in which she replied with "I want to go home", instead of telling us or anymore which I was really annoyed about, she made sure she didn't work a shift with him alone. During all this time he also made friends with me and my wife, but after a couple of months I had to break away from him as he was coming up every night, messaging every day and constantly wanting to come up. He would also ask my daughter to call in and see him in the pub when she wasn't working because he was bored, he started asking her to babysit his daughter on occasions. Luckily she has kept most of the messages and back February I counted 186 messages over a couple of weeks from him, a message in which he referred to her as "gorgeous" and on one occasion told her he would teach her how to get her mum and dad to say yes to anything.

When the owner came round to talk to my daughter, my wife and I he seemed a bit protective over the manager, he had moved him to another pub he manages for the time being but seemed to suggest it could look like a girl trying to get an older man in trouble and if this other girl came forward, 2 girls trying to get an older man in trouble. When I mentioned some of the stuff I'd read he did not discuss it but seemed more bothered with saying but she replied to him didn't she? Well yes she did as he's her boss! He also kept asking why she did not come forward earlier? why did she let it carry on? Erm...maybe because she didn't think anyone would believe her, she was only 14, she didn't expect to be n that position.

The owner is coming round to see us tonight and as of yesterday did not think the other girl would come forward meaning it would just be my daughter with not a lot of evidence, I would have thought the owner would be more concerned with how his older member of staff has acted around younger girls and not make out he's innocent and been ganged up on!

He also told me that he is carrying out and internal investigation where the outcome is final and the other option was to go to the police but it had to be one or the other? Really? So if I'm not happy with the outcome of his internal investigation which he has said he makes the decision and we might not be happy with what he decides then I cannot inform the Police?

My obvious initial feeling was to go see this guy and probably end up getting arrested myself but I know I need to do this properly for my daughters sake and that of any other girls that come to be in this position in the future.

Any help or others views on this would be really helpful or if I haven't mentioned something you believe would help.

Thank you all :-)

OP posts:

Perid0t · 19/12/2019 17:30

I would allow him to see all of the messages. In the event this man is not report to the police for grooming and sacked by the owner, I would go to the police myself to report him.

sue51 · 19/12/2019 17:31

This is grooming. Contact the police if your DD agrees. The owner can carry out his own enquiry, it does not have to be "one or the other".

Yetanotherwinter · 19/12/2019 17:31

You need to report this to the Police. An internal investigation is something completely different. The manager is trying to blame the victim, ie, your daughter. This is the start of grooming and probably isn’t the first time it’s happened. The manager doesn’t get to decide what action you take. I also would t give your daughter the choice either. You’re the adult and should take that difficult decision away from her.

MissingMySleep · 19/12/2019 17:33

Police or he'll do it again.

Scautish · 19/12/2019 17:35

Agree with most of the above

Call the police.

The fact he is trying to say you can’t if he decides as a result of his investigation I think tells you what you need to know.

Do not engage any further and please stop your daughter from working there.

katy1213 · 19/12/2019 17:36

Is he the owner or the landlord? If it's part of a brewery chain, then definitely head office.

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2019 17:37

Do not have him in your house. Go straight to the police. This is grooming. It is a criminal offence and as such he should be stopped. If you don't do so, the next time it could end up in some young girl being raped.

wellthatwasthat · 19/12/2019 17:42

Go to the police.

Hopefully the other girl will agree to that as well. And I wouldn't trust the owner to be on your side in all this, so don't discuss anything with them at all, and definitely don't tell them you are telling the cops.

If this pervert is 35 there is a high likelihood that this isn't the first time he's done this. And it won't be the last. He needs to be stopped.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 19/12/2019 17:42

Your daughter has no obligation whatsoever to go to the police with this, ignore the posters who are implying that you need to stop this happening to anyone else. It's not right to try and put this on you, it's the staff member who is doing this, your daughter is a victim and everything that happens has to be guided by what she wants.

Srictlybakeoff · 19/12/2019 17:44

Don’t meet with the owner . He should be taking appropriate action and should have probably contacted the police himself. You don’t wan5 him to make you complicit if he doesn’t handle this properly.
I think you should go to the police too. How would you feel If you didn’t do this and the situation developed further with another young. Woman in the future. Going to the police also sends an important message to your daughter about your belief in her and that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. Don’t ask her to make the decision- you need to show her what the right thing to do is

blacksax · 19/12/2019 17:45

Tell the owner nothing at all. Go straight to the police.

KaptenKrusty · 19/12/2019 17:45

He literally doesn't have the power to say he investigates and you can't call the police wtf

just call the police and stop engaging with the owner.

What a crap situation.

Bluebutterfly90 · 19/12/2019 17:49

Very shady of the owner to try and say you cant call the police. That's not up to him.
It's very alarming, and definitely grooming.
Talk to your daughter about the possibility of going to the police. She may not want to get this creep in trouble but she should understand that she doesn't have to put up with being treated like that, and that this man is a danger to young girls.
I wish you and your daughter well

SarahTancredi · 19/12/2019 17:50

I think you need to ask what your dd wants here. And tell her if you go to the police she is under no obligation to say or do anything. Shes the victim here and if she doesn't want to go through with being questioned etc then I think you need to respect that. If he does it again it's on him. Not your dd. Not the other girl. The owner and manager will cover their arses. This has to be your dds decision.

I'm.sorry this happened to her

countdowntochristmas · 19/12/2019 17:50

OMG definitely grooming.
There is a difference between a young girl after a older man which is what he has said but this is different you hubs proof with the 100 odd messages over a couple of weeks .
I'd call the police too sorry you poor daughter.

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 17:51

If your daughter is prepared to go to the police, take her there or telephone them to come around. At least then the man will be under their radar even if they can't do very much. The pub landlord sounds a bit iffy too. I hope the other girl will also speak up.

It's a horrible situation and, hats off to your daughter, she has handled it in a very mature fashion. Similar happened to me at her age and I didn't know how to cope, was completely out of my depth.

Good luck, let us know how things progress. Btw I agree it would be a good idea for your girl to stop working at the pub and I hope she finds something else.

custardbear · 19/12/2019 17:52

Internal investigation .... hhmmm perhaps he's also in on this ?!
Go to the police and get your daughter out of that place!

SourAndSnippy · 19/12/2019 18:11

What a horrible creep. I'd contact the police for advice and take it from there. I'd consider the daughters wishes too.

It's sounds like the creep was stupid as well as being a disgusting predatory creep. What an idiot to send messages.

Grr I hate men like that.

overnightangel · 19/12/2019 18:20

“Go to the police. This 35 year old man in a position of authority was grooming your 14 year old. This is not a situation where you wait for his mate to conclude he did nothing wrong.“

There’s your answer

EvaHarknessRose · 19/12/2019 18:33

Don't be cross or disappointed with your daughter she has done nothing wrong and shown admirable boundaries you should be proud. Tell her so.
Act in your daughter's interests in your next steps.
You could as an addition to whatever else you do seek to have the owner implement policies about communication between adult and child staff, not employ under 18s or seek safeguarding training. Ask him questions 'what text communication do you think is acceptable between a manager and an under 16 worker? And what would be considered inappropriate'.

OxfordCat · 19/12/2019 19:10

I can't believe people are advising you not to involve police or that you don't have evidence. It is imperative you involve the police immediately, before the owner comes round, and save all the messages into a file that you send the police.
No you should not show the messages to the owner- he will just try to minimise or it will give him time to concoct a cover story.
So not give him access to your hone in fact. Do not invite him round. He has said his investigation or the police- so you can tell him you've made your choice.
Please OP listen to me. I used to be Safeguarding lead in a school and now I work with vulnerable people. This is grooming of the most sinister degree. The owner is clearly trying to brush under the carpet by scaring you into not reporting to the police- this in itself is awful.
You are the adult and your daughter is the child. You need to model to her the seriousness of this. Yes you should treat her with respect as I'm sure you do, and you should keep her involved and try to help her feel empowered, but ultimately you should phone the police straight away tonight and seek their advice. She didn't tell you the whole story because she's a child and may have felt intimidated, like she didn't want to lose her job etc - this is how a child thinks. She's done nothing wrong and should feel supported but at the same time she's not the person to be making decisions about whether to go to the police.
Your job is to safeguard her. Please call the police tonight.

Tattoosandmemories · 19/12/2019 19:18

Bollocks to his internal investigation which will inevitably reach the conclusion that boys will be boys. Go to the police. This 35 year old man in a position of authority was grooming your 14 year old. This is not a situation where you wait for his mate to conclude he did nothing wrong.

^
^
^
This!

Niki93 · 19/12/2019 19:31

Your poor daughter must be feeling really lost. If i was having messages like that of a 35 year old man when i was that age it would have made me feel so uncomfortable and i also wouldn’t have felt confident telling my parents. So i can completely see why she kept it quiet at first, she felt vulnerable, confused and possibly abit embarrassed by it. No young girl would want to openly tell their dad they’re being hit on by a bloke old enough to be her dad! So the owner should think about that first!

I worked in a bar managing it, and had i known one of the males was texting the under age males id have addressed it immediately head on. So the owner seems to not give a shit, he’s probably known about it which is sketchy and is more bothered about his bars reputation.

Its hard for your young girl as she didnt ask for this, shes finally got a job then been put in a position she didnt ask for which is making it difficult for her to continue working there. Top snd bottom of it is, the manager texting her should be suspended, warned and moved to another bar and told if it happens again, it will be raised as a concern to the police. I think as a farther you should suggest this to the owner, if he doesnt agree take it further.

Other option is to remove your daughter from working there. And help her find somewhere else, but this option seems unfair when shes done nothing wrong and the manager needs told/removed.

I think since theres another younger girl whos raised this concern, it could be worth speaking to her parents too? See their opinion? Although problem with that is she may have told your daughter in confidence and not want it getting out. That being said, shes the same age and needs safeguarding working their just as much as your daughter so might be worth trying to contact her parents with a friendly approach just to give them the heads up.

To conclude. Manager is old enough to know what he’s doing is massively inappropriate and considered majorly unethical in society and yes, it seems the start of what could turn into child grooming!

mummyduckduck · 19/12/2019 19:39

Ignore the owner. Go to the police.

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/12/2019 19:43

Police, police police.

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