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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old daughter - unwanted attention from work collegue

76 replies

JoeP1984 · 19/12/2019 17:00

Hello, I was hoping for some advice and thought this would be a good pace to start on the right way about things. I'll try not to make it too long but it's quite serious.

My wife and I live in a lovely, small village and have two daughters aged 15 and 11. My 15 year old was looking for weekend work which I encouraged as I had done at her age to gain some independence and earn my own money. She was offered a job as a glass collector at our local village pub, this is when she was 14 and we met all the staff and they were all really nice. So my daughter starter working Friday or/and Saturday evenings and absolutely loved it, she also loved the fact she had her own money and was able to do all the nice things with her friends due to this.

Her manager was a male aged around 35, he was very nice to her and us and he seemed like he really looked after his staff and their well-being, making sure she was happy and enjoying work etc. As the months went by and without our knowledge he was messaging my daughter a lot, mainly friendly messages, taking interest in her life and school work, again we as parents were not aware of this and found out later that she did not tell us as felt we would stop her working there or say something which would cause her problems at work. She would reply back to the messages being polite, it was after all her manager.

Another girl who worked there, similarly aged noticed there was something not quite right and this was because she had been through the same thing as our daughter! They opened up to each other and that is when my daughter knew for definite it was not right so told another member of staff. This member of staff altered the owner immediately and he came round to see us to discuss.

In the last week or so our daughter has told us everything that happened, things she did not say at the time due to being scared of losing her job, not being believed, ruining this persons life and so on. While she was 14 he told her he was "falling for her" in which she replied with "I want to go home", instead of telling us or anymore which I was really annoyed about, she made sure she didn't work a shift with him alone. During all this time he also made friends with me and my wife, but after a couple of months I had to break away from him as he was coming up every night, messaging every day and constantly wanting to come up. He would also ask my daughter to call in and see him in the pub when she wasn't working because he was bored, he started asking her to babysit his daughter on occasions. Luckily she has kept most of the messages and back February I counted 186 messages over a couple of weeks from him, a message in which he referred to her as "gorgeous" and on one occasion told her he would teach her how to get her mum and dad to say yes to anything.

When the owner came round to talk to my daughter, my wife and I he seemed a bit protective over the manager, he had moved him to another pub he manages for the time being but seemed to suggest it could look like a girl trying to get an older man in trouble and if this other girl came forward, 2 girls trying to get an older man in trouble. When I mentioned some of the stuff I'd read he did not discuss it but seemed more bothered with saying but she replied to him didn't she? Well yes she did as he's her boss! He also kept asking why she did not come forward earlier? why did she let it carry on? Erm...maybe because she didn't think anyone would believe her, she was only 14, she didn't expect to be n that position.

The owner is coming round to see us tonight and as of yesterday did not think the other girl would come forward meaning it would just be my daughter with not a lot of evidence, I would have thought the owner would be more concerned with how his older member of staff has acted around younger girls and not make out he's innocent and been ganged up on!

He also told me that he is carrying out and internal investigation where the outcome is final and the other option was to go to the police but it had to be one or the other? Really? So if I'm not happy with the outcome of his internal investigation which he has said he makes the decision and we might not be happy with what he decides then I cannot inform the Police?

My obvious initial feeling was to go see this guy and probably end up getting arrested myself but I know I need to do this properly for my daughters sake and that of any other girls that come to be in this position in the future.

Any help or others views on this would be really helpful or if I haven't mentioned something you believe would help.

Thank you all :-)

OP posts:
shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 19/12/2019 19:53

Hi OP. It is really important you inform the police. CSE (child sexual exploitation) and grooming are key issues right now and it will be taken seriously. However, unless he has spoken to her in a sexual way / sent sexual pictures or asked for them or something similar there are no actual offences I can see except perhaps some kind of harassment offence...

However, and this is what's important. It will absolutely put this man on the police radar. What you don't know is what other records they have on him. Have other girls complained? Has he got a record? Etc. Even if this is just recorded as intelligence it enables police to build up a picture, particularly if you get the other girl to report too. In fact I believe the department that deals with sex offenders have powers to apply for civil orders that restrict offenders and suspects if it is deemed necessary to protect the public and manage risk but they need information to be able to do this. Just another reason to report.

Similarly, I would speak to the police licensing department. The landlord/owner has many conditions he needs to comply with in order to operate and I suspect he is skating on thin ice here. Make a noise and make sure the right people are aware of this man because he's already shown a propensity towards this kind of behaviour and I guarantee he is doing it elsewhere. He is a predator and he needs to be stopped.

MargotMoon · 19/12/2019 19:55

Is this pub part of a chain or attached to a brewery? As well as contacting the police you could phone their Head Office and open a complaint.

AmurderIsAnnounced · 19/12/2019 19:58

Report to Police, your dd was being groomed, CSE is taken seriously in light of what happened in Rochdale. The owner is minimising what has happened. The manager is a sexual predator, I get he's been doing this for years Angry

Pumpkintopf · 19/12/2019 20:04

Agree it's grooming. This owner should be careful his internal investigation doesn't interfere with a police investigation if that's where you decide to take it. I would, as the fact that he has moved this manager to another pub and his attitude to you suggests he will not take this seriously and will therefore be putting other young girls at risk.

xlkhs · 19/12/2019 20:12

Her manager is a paedophile. Whilst he may not have assaulted your dd yet, grooming is laying the groundwork to do that.

The owner is condoning it and at the very least is a total piece of shit. At worst, he’ll be a paedophile as well. Don’t let him back in your house.

She absolutely cannot go back there, for her own safety.

I would read this from the NSPCC www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/ and then I would call them and ask them for advice.

Twinkletoes888 · 19/12/2019 20:18

I would report it, if this was a caretaker at school or male TA behaving like this to a pupil everyone would have ripped his cock off by now and be delivering it to the investigating officer.

Fuck what the landlord/manager says I’d of told him to explain his investigation to the police and get out my house.

If this was my daughter I’d make sure she knows none of this is her fault and you understand that she didn’t speak to you at first but you are glad she has now, poor girl.

If he does come back round i would revise the conversation without him knowing as well.

Twinkletoes888 · 19/12/2019 20:19

*record

namina · 19/12/2019 20:26

Definitely call the police, your poor daughter. I too admire your restraint

overnightangel · 19/12/2019 20:49

You’re her dad, if you don’t call the police she’s going to think why the fuck didn’t the one man who’s supposed to protect me do anything

Appreciateyourthoughts · 19/12/2019 21:01

Although I admire your restraint, I can not admire your diligence in protecting your daughter or other young females.

This needs to be reported to the police immediately. On this occasion your daughter was lucky to not have been taken fully advantage of. It's clear what his intentions towards her were.

Imagine he moves on to the next and it goes even further! That poor girl!
I was taken advantage of at 14 by a 23 year old and to this day I shiver when I think back and wish I had been brought to the police....

OxfordCat · 19/12/2019 21:10

OP have you reported it?

Harriett123 · 19/12/2019 21:30

I completely agree with most on here. This is grooming of an underage child and should at a minimum be on the police radar.

I would also get her out of the environment and help her find another job.

FalalalalaloreanFortescue · 19/12/2019 22:23

Police!! Agree with most of the above. For all you know, the owner could be in on it. Other young girls WILL be at risk if you don't report.

Comefromaway · 19/12/2019 22:32

This definitely sounds like grooming. As well as the police you should contact your local authority education welfare officer. It’s they who oversee young people under school age who are in employment. I wonder if the correct licences & risk assessments are in place.

FrangipaniBlue · 20/12/2019 06:51

Remove your child from the environment and phone the police.

I cannot believe you haven't done this already and are fannying on communicating with the pub owner.

Bollocks to that.

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2019 06:58

I'm not one for making a fuss but your daughter was being groomed against her will. He was using you to get at her. Fortunately nothing else happened but he needs stopping in case it happens again. He's done it before remember. The owner has acted properly by moving him away. But they can't tell you it's one or the other internal investigation or police....not their call. Personally I think you should inform the police. They can decide what happens next.

Moondust001 · 20/12/2019 07:07

Another vote for "why haven't you called the police already?" You know what has happened to your daughter and have proof. You know that another girl has gone through this. There are others too. Bet on it. There will be others. Bet on it. It is your responsibility to report this to the authorities.

Celebritydave · 20/12/2019 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDivineOddity · 20/12/2019 07:18

It's grooming, he is in a position of authority he has done it before and will do it again.
It's very grim and definitely a police matter.

SpringFan · 20/12/2019 08:12

@JoeP1984
I don't know whether you heard it, but Vera Baird the Victims Commissioner was talking about a recent case of sexual exploration in Telford on the Radio 4 Today Programme at about 7.30 this morning.. She was very clear that the trigger for police investigations is a disclosure . Your daughter has disclosed to you that she was being groomed. Please speak to the police about this man. Even though nothing physicall happened, his messages suggest this was the direction he was going.
I think you can listen to the piece on BBC sounds but it mught have to wait until the programme finishes at 9am. I immediately thought of your post when I heard it.

SpringFan · 20/12/2019 08:17

Sorry posted to soon. The comments about establishing a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship before exploiting made me think of the way he was cultivating you and your wife.
Vera Baird mentioned advice from Banardos and CEOPS ( I think but then I thoght they were about on line exploitation ) so it might be worth a discussion with them if you are still uncertain.

coatlessinspokane · 20/12/2019 08:22

Police. It’s grooming. Kudos to your daughter for eventually coming forward but look at how long she took to do so and the reasons she stayed silent.

There are other girls being silent right now so please stick up for them by going to the police and kicking up a fuss and above all letting your daughter know that you support her 100%.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2019 11:10

So essentially he groomed your daughter?

Do you not keep an eye on her phone usage?

Sod the owner, you should go to the police. The owner will alert the manager, who will wipe the evidence from his phone.

Why are you letting the manager dictate what you do? I would not let him investigate, and seek police advice immediately. How many more girls does he have to groom before he is stopped, or worse!

Have you heard of Kayleigh Haywood?

Modernhistorybuff · 20/12/2019 20:30

I'm a doctor. I have seen stories like this a lot. You have to call the police. They will take it really seriously, they will do their best to look after your daughter through the process. But this has to be a police matter.

Original poster
JoeP1984 · 26/12/2019 17:43

Hi everyone, thank you for all your advice.

I called the police and they came round that night. I have obviously stopped her working there.

The police took all messages and said it was wrong and he was grooming but with no evidence they were hoping they'd be able to get him on harassment and at the least go see him hopefully as one of you said, have him on the radar.

Thank you all for your comments.

OP posts: