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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need urgent advise 16/17 vs 21yr old

86 replies

wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:23

Hi,
My daughter recently met someone over the summer - and we told her make sure you know how old he is etc.. before you start anything. She is 16yrs old - 17 in Feb 2020. We had told her many times and she told us he was 19 which we were not 100% happy with and gave her advise that it is better to avoid such situations. Obviously she did not take our advice and wanted to start dating. In the meantime we kept asking ...how old is he and told us he has just turned 20. After long hard discussions and trying to put myself in her shoes, and saw that she truly wanted this to happen, I decided to try to accept the idea, seeing that she will be turning 17 soon. I had told her that I am really on the borderline of accepting and if he was any older than this I would totally not accept. We had the type of relationship that she would tell me almost everything, show me her pictures and eventually met the guy to try to keep her close to me aswell so I knew what was going on and how the guy is etc.. To my dismay i saw his birth date on FB. He had just actually turned 21. Not only did my daughter lie to me on 3 occasions and totally betrayed my trust and the freedom I gave her as I trusted her and thought she deserved it. This has caused completed turmoil in our family as I am utterly disgusted about the situation, both them lying to me and that he turns out to be a fully grown man. I admit that maybe I should not have even let her see him even when i thought he was 20 :-( .....she is adamant that it is her decision and I cannot do anything about it, she doesnt care that this has broken our relationship to pieces. She thinks she can decide everything and know whats best for her. We are terribly dissapointed as I had the illusion that she was an honest, trustworthy girl - i really dont know what to do

OP posts:
Lindor2828 · 05/12/2019 18:28

He's 21 and she's nearly 17? I don't see the issue. I'm not surprised she lied to you if you react in such a way. Your poor daughter.

helpfulperson · 05/12/2019 18:28

Its not great but you post is full of 'let her' and 'accepted' etc. She is 17 not a young child. You can advise and worry and even disapprove but you dont get to choose.

Lindor2828 · 05/12/2019 18:30

Also she does not need your "acceptance" of whoever she chooses to date. She's a young woman. Tread very carefully before you completely destroy your relationship with her.

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:30

She is still 16 - dont you think that is a bit wierd a fully grown man going out with a teenager?

OP posts:
Hellohah · 05/12/2019 18:32

Have you met him? Have you tried to get to know him?

halcyondays · 05/12/2019 18:34

He’s 21, not 40. It’s not exactly a huge age gap.

AppropriateAdult · 05/12/2019 18:34

Well, of course she lied to you - you told her “that I am really on the borderline of accepting and if he was any older than this I would totally not accept”. You didn’t really give her much choice there.

I can understand your worries, because it is a fairly big gap at that age, but you’re never going to win this by trying to lay down the law with an almost 17yo. I’m sure she does care that it has affected your relationship, but if you let it break down completely over this then it will be your fault, not hers. Keep the lines of communication open, get to know him, let her know that she can talk to you without fear of judgement, and be there for her - without any I-told-you-so comments - if it all goes wrong.

Lindor2828 · 05/12/2019 18:35

You speak as if he's in his 50s. He's just turned 21 and your daughter is nearly 17? I don't find that the slightest bit concerning providing he is a decent person. I'm at a loss as to why you're so disgusted. You sound very controlling.

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:36

Yes I did meet him, and he is a nice person, but cannot understand what a 21yr old wants doing with a 16yr old. He is in a different state of mind - he is a man. my daughter is still 16yrs old - attending college. Am sure its understandable to be concerned

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 05/12/2019 18:40

I was going out with a 23 yr old when I was 17 so I see no issue with your dd going out with a 21 yr old. My mum thought I was going out with his younger brother (my age) but when she realised it was the older guy she never made an attempt to stop me. Leave them be - but do have a talk about safe sex and advise her to go on the pill.

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:40

I am not choosing - she has made her choice, however that does not stop me being concerned that a man is going out with my teenager

OP posts:
MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 18:44

The ops daughter started seeing the man in the summer. She is still months away from being 17. She is 16. He is five years older than her. No age if you're thirty but a third of her life at 16.

Yes, I'd be worried too op. But I know lots of people see nothing wrong with it and I don't suppose you can stop her if you wanted to.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 18:45

I'd be concerned about her feelings regarding consent, not just getting her on the pill. Hmm

lucie8881 · 05/12/2019 18:49

Really can't see anything to get worked up about. Is this your daughters first relationship? Is that the reason it's been a little more difficult to accept?

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:50

I cant understand how alot of people see nothing wrong with it honestly. A 21 year old man wanting to hang out with a16 yr old. What about when she want to hang out with her friends and tag him along - u think he is gonna stand want to stand around with a bunch of 15/16/17 yr olds????? I find that extremely strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:53

or vis versa - her hanging out with a bunch of 21yr old lads and girls ????????

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 05/12/2019 18:54

I think the language you use fails to understand she is now16 not a school girl. She is going to make choices .

If he seems nice far better than a 16 year old who doesn’t actually treat her well

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:55

I can totally accept her having a bf, this is besides the point here. The issue is a man with a teenager. Not even her lying is the real issue - as she is a teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:57

@Starlight456 - yes and thats why i am expressing my concern. that her choice worries me and wanted advise

OP posts:
mycatthinksshesatiger · 05/12/2019 18:58

When I was 18 my parents stopped me seeing a man who was 23. 30 years have passed and I still haven’t forgiven them for this. I would advise you to tread very carefully. Of course you want to protect your daughter from potential abuse, but you need to balance that against her need to make her own choices and to feel as if you trust her to do so. Are there any red flags other than his age? If not, you really need to take a step back from this and try to see it from DD’s perspective.

Mumdiva99 · 05/12/2019 18:59

I lusted after men that age and older when I was 17. There were some dalliances.... mostly they would fizzle out because we were at different stages in life. But I met these guys at my hobby and they were far more exciting than 17 year old school boys. 😆 Let her get on with it. If he's a good man and it lasts then wonderful. If not just support her.

doritosdip · 05/12/2019 18:59

My dd is the same age. Her friends and her still date boys who are at most one school year older (same social rules as in y11)

I would be concerned if she was dating a 21 year old but there would be nothing that I could do. I can't prevent her leaving the house, she has unlimited phone data and makes her own way to and from school.

lifeisgoodagain · 05/12/2019 19:00

His Facebook may not be correct, neither of my DD's are because they made themselves older to get the account before they were 13. 4 years apart is not that much anyway

Couchpotato3 · 05/12/2019 19:01

I'd say it is reasonable to be a little concerned at the large age gap, but really, you are being rather over-dramatic about the whole thing - "Broken our relationship to pieces" etc. You are hardly behaving in a way that is likely to gain your daughter's trust. If anything this is likely to drive her further towards him - she won't want to admit that you were right, even if she has doubts herself. Far better to be accepting and let this take its course - how many people actually end up with people they were dating at 16? Very few I'd say. But if you keep being so 'disgusted' etc, then you will lose her. Calm down, let her be and be there to pick up the pieces when it's all over. Don't make a huge drama out of something that isn't a big deal. You're worried about him not wanting to hang around with her friends - why? Either he'll be OK with it or not, but how does that affect you? Butt out!

Thefaceofboe · 05/12/2019 19:02

I personally don’t see a problem. Yes she lied to you, but she clearly thought you’d be mad. I can’t see it being for any other reason

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