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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need urgent advise 16/17 vs 21yr old

86 replies

wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:23

Hi,
My daughter recently met someone over the summer - and we told her make sure you know how old he is etc.. before you start anything. She is 16yrs old - 17 in Feb 2020. We had told her many times and she told us he was 19 which we were not 100% happy with and gave her advise that it is better to avoid such situations. Obviously she did not take our advice and wanted to start dating. In the meantime we kept asking ...how old is he and told us he has just turned 20. After long hard discussions and trying to put myself in her shoes, and saw that she truly wanted this to happen, I decided to try to accept the idea, seeing that she will be turning 17 soon. I had told her that I am really on the borderline of accepting and if he was any older than this I would totally not accept. We had the type of relationship that she would tell me almost everything, show me her pictures and eventually met the guy to try to keep her close to me aswell so I knew what was going on and how the guy is etc.. To my dismay i saw his birth date on FB. He had just actually turned 21. Not only did my daughter lie to me on 3 occasions and totally betrayed my trust and the freedom I gave her as I trusted her and thought she deserved it. This has caused completed turmoil in our family as I am utterly disgusted about the situation, both them lying to me and that he turns out to be a fully grown man. I admit that maybe I should not have even let her see him even when i thought he was 20 :-( .....she is adamant that it is her decision and I cannot do anything about it, she doesnt care that this has broken our relationship to pieces. She thinks she can decide everything and know whats best for her. We are terribly dissapointed as I had the illusion that she was an honest, trustworthy girl - i really dont know what to do

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2019 20:05

Try to stay calm and definitely keep talking to her about healthy relationships, consent, birth control, etc. She needs your guidance.

Redannie118 · 05/12/2019 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

lljkk · 05/12/2019 20:06

15yo DS won't date anyone in the next 10 yrs, I reckon!!

OKBoom3r · 05/12/2019 20:15

@lljkk ha I now can see you probably meant in the future and not now!

JumpiestBat · 05/12/2019 20:18

I actually agree with you OP. I dated much older men as a teen, 18 year old man when I was 15, 26 when I was 17, actually got a fecking mortgage with a 28 year old when I was 18.

21 year old with a 17 year old is probably ok but I've been there and I'd have liked my mum to be the voice of reason a bit more and not just let me do it. I was a bit out of my depth with everyone presuming I was mature enough to cope. I wasn't.

fairynick · 05/12/2019 20:22

I’m 22 and if any of my friends were messing around with 16/17 year olds everyone would find that very strange. It isn’t normal.

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 21:21

After seeing many of your comments, my husband and I came to the conclusion, although we are not happy about it - and of course we have the right not to be- we are her parents - we will be a little less shell shocked and take a step back. Have spoken to her and made amends and let her know we are here for her, but not playing happy families with him at the moment - we need time

OP posts:
MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 21:27

MN: "21 is not a full grown man!"

Also MN: "she's 16 17, she's an adult stay out of her life!"

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 21:32

I dont think you can really say 'stay out of her life' to a mother - I dont just stop being concerned because she is 17

OP posts:
msmith501 · 05/12/2019 21:53

Let's reverse it... what she would you deem suitable? Less than 16 - nope! 16 - nope (too immature for men). Older that 16 by 4 - 5 years... nope apparently. So, basically you need to let your daughter know that you will only san room her having "relations" with someone 17 a 18 years old. I'm sure she will respect your decision and be delighted in the trust you have displayed in her after bringing her up right.

snowybaubles · 05/12/2019 21:57

Let's reverse it... what she would you deem suitable? Less than 16 - nope! 16 - nope (too immature for men). Older that 16 by 4 - 5 years... nope apparently.

Why are you 'reversing' it? There is a very simple set of circumstances here. He isn't younger. He isn't the same age. Those are not relevant. He is 21 and she is 16 and I am a bit surprised that so many people would be ok with this for their own children.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 22:19

If that was addressed to me I was agreeing with you!

Halo1234 · 05/12/2019 23:20

@morefeministthanthou......they are both not fully grown imo. Both old enough to decide they want to try a relationship together. Both old enough to do so without parental consent. Both still young. Both still have growing and maturing to do. Either one could be the most mature/worldly wise depending on their personality/life experiences. Not a Male female thing. Not sure your point. I said imo he wasnt fully grown not that she was and stand by both old enough to start a relationship if they want to.
Some people may see then both as full adults. Fair enough. It doesnt make it a male/female thing. It's just different people having slightly different opinions. It was 2 different people who said he wasnt fully grown and she was. Surley u know mn is not unanimous.

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/12/2019 23:25

Are you sure he is actually 21? It was very common for DC to put in a fake year of birth when opening a FB account as you needed to be over 13 and most DC wanted to open them when going up to high school at 11/12.

Leileilei04 · 05/12/2019 23:28

I met my DP when I was 18 and he was 24, together still together nearly 9 years later so it doesn't mean its creepy. We fell in love

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 06/12/2019 05:41

@MoreFeministThanThou.....sorry I misunderstood you. I know he tells her that she is not a baby, and know that he considers himself not to be an independent mature man yet. But still in my eyes being 21 he has had alot more opportunity and life experience much more than my teenager will have if she stays with him, in the sense that I hope he doesn't influence her with life decisions that shes supposed to make for herself

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmysmileback · 06/12/2019 05:44

@Leileilei04....I wished she met him when she was 18....i find no problem with that. When she's 18 he will be 23, both adults, how can I complain about that. I am complaining about an adult with a teenager

OP posts:
snowybaubles · 06/12/2019 06:52

I met my DP when I was 18 and he was 24, together still together nearly 9 years later so it doesn't mean its creepy. We fell in love

Not the same as this situation either. OPDD is 16. What kind of grown an has an interest 16 year olds? I mean is it McDonald's for a date? It's not as if they can go for a drink.

marblesgoing · 06/12/2019 07:02

Op there's a four year gap between my ds and his gf.
They've done more travelling and things than she would ever have done at her age.
Depends entirely on the lads mindset and maturity level.
Also depends on your dds maturity level.

Wats the age gap between you and your partner?

Original poster
wantmysmileback · 06/12/2019 07:08

@marblesgoing, how old is your ds and his gf? As I am not expressing my concern that it's a 4yr age gap, as I said if she was 18 and he is 23 I wouldn't even be on here.

OP posts:
marblesgoing · 06/12/2019 07:10

Wantmysmileback
When they first started seeing each other she was 16 and hes was 20

marblesgoing · 06/12/2019 07:14

It all totally depends.
If I'm honest I was abit Confusedwhen he told me but she's a very mature girl so they compliment each other.
Two years down the line they've travelled,they enjoy spending time together,they encourage each other.
She's passing all her education at college with flying colours etc and enjoying life.

PostNotInHaste · 06/12/2019 07:16

My advice is get to know him so you can keep a close eye on things. Can see that having had time to think you have taken a step back, this is wise. We had a similar situation but with a bigger age gap and it was obviously worrying. We took a deep breath and let things run their course keeping lines of communication open at all time.

You’re at the stage where the nature of your relationship with your DD is changing anyway as she becomes an adult, which can be hard to adjust to but important to do. The fact she lied is not good and I am grateful my DD was open with us . We closely monitored the situation and were very aware that if we kicked off she could go so kept a lid on it and have been here to quickly step in when she decided the relationship had run its course.

I’m absolutely certain if we had kicked off she would have found it harder to admit it wasn’t working when she came to that realisation.

Cordial11 · 06/12/2019 07:20

He’s not really a man, still young. Girls are alot more mature then boys, mentally they are probably the same age.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/12/2019 07:39

What's all this "he's not really a man" bullshit? I've got 2 adult DSes, at 21 they were both fully grown men with full time, responsible jobs. I'd have been gobsmacked had either of them brought a 16yo girl home.

MN is mad. A 16yo girl is a woman but a 21yo man is not a man. Hmm

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