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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Need urgent advise 16/17 vs 21yr old

86 replies

wantmysmileback · 05/12/2019 18:23

Hi,
My daughter recently met someone over the summer - and we told her make sure you know how old he is etc.. before you start anything. She is 16yrs old - 17 in Feb 2020. We had told her many times and she told us he was 19 which we were not 100% happy with and gave her advise that it is better to avoid such situations. Obviously she did not take our advice and wanted to start dating. In the meantime we kept asking ...how old is he and told us he has just turned 20. After long hard discussions and trying to put myself in her shoes, and saw that she truly wanted this to happen, I decided to try to accept the idea, seeing that she will be turning 17 soon. I had told her that I am really on the borderline of accepting and if he was any older than this I would totally not accept. We had the type of relationship that she would tell me almost everything, show me her pictures and eventually met the guy to try to keep her close to me aswell so I knew what was going on and how the guy is etc.. To my dismay i saw his birth date on FB. He had just actually turned 21. Not only did my daughter lie to me on 3 occasions and totally betrayed my trust and the freedom I gave her as I trusted her and thought she deserved it. This has caused completed turmoil in our family as I am utterly disgusted about the situation, both them lying to me and that he turns out to be a fully grown man. I admit that maybe I should not have even let her see him even when i thought he was 20 :-( .....she is adamant that it is her decision and I cannot do anything about it, she doesnt care that this has broken our relationship to pieces. She thinks she can decide everything and know whats best for her. We are terribly dissapointed as I had the illusion that she was an honest, trustworthy girl - i really dont know what to do

OP posts:

Goldenchildsmum · 06/12/2019 07:42

Trouble is, it doesn't matter what you think, OP. And if you alienate your daughter you will regret it

backouch · 06/12/2019 07:44

Blimey. I was that age when I met my husband who was quite older.

MissBPotter · 06/12/2019 07:47

When i was 16 nearly 17 I met a 21 year old and we were together for 6 years. He was a lovely person and my parents really liked him. We split for other reasons but I’m afraid it is perfectly normal to have this sort of age gap. 16 and 17 year old boys were not attractive to me at that age as they seemed really immature. My bf at the time was working and at university. You have to treat people as individuals. Having said that if the age gap was much bigger or if he was 30 or something that would have rung alarm bells both for me andy parents.

backouch · 06/12/2019 08:01

Ooh @WaxOnFeckOff that's a really good point.

potter5 · 06/12/2019 08:13

When I was 16 I met my future husband. He was 23. We married when I was 17. We have just celebrated 40 wonderful years of marriage. I think it depends on the individuals concerned. Looking back now I was very mature for my age and knew what I wanted from life.

I have always worked and so has he to provide for me and our 2 sons. He cherishes and loves me and tells me every day.

If you like the lad then age is just a number. Don't alienate your daughter.

snowybaubles · 06/12/2019 09:52

@TheFairyCaravan

MN is mad. A 16yo girl is a woman but a 21yo man is not a man.

Exactly.

Also on Mumsnet there are threads and threads about what time you let your teen out until at night, so many ridiculous posters about it how the 16 year olds are only allowed out once a week at the weekend and have to be in by 8pm. Yet here we have a thread full of parents happy to let their DC actually have a relationship with a 21 year old who is indeed a man. This nonsense of them being on the same level of maturity as 16 year old females is bullshit. It's the kind of bullshit people use to try and justify their views when they don't have any actual reasons.

Original poster

wantmysmileback · 06/12/2019 10:45

@snowybaubles

16 year olds are only allowed out once a week at the weekend and have to be in by 8pm.

and for the above nobody says to butt out of their business?? - very confusing!

OP posts:

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/12/2019 10:54

To be honest, I have 18 and 19 year old sons and I don't know if I'd be entirely comfortable if they had a 16 year old girlfriend. I think it matters less when they are both a little older.

I would however try to get to know the girlfriend and would hope that her parents would do the same with my son.

Loopytiles · 06/12/2019 10:59

It often reflects badly on the older person in a couple where the younger one is a teen and there’s an age gap. My friends and I thought this in our early twenties when several men we knew deliberately dated younger women, and I still think it.

BarbedBloom · 06/12/2019 11:45

I was dating a 21 year old at that age. Boys my age were just too immature and bored me. He was really lovely and treated me well. Yes we did have sex but I wasn't a virgin when I met him anyway. I think tread carefully as you could alienate her, keep conversation open between you.

JustDanceAddict · 07/12/2019 08:16

I think it’s a big gap at that age, in a couple of yrs it won’t be though. Same age gap as me and dh but I was 22 when we met!! But if a difference..
If my 17 yr old wanted to date a 21 yr old I’d be very wary but it really depends on maturity of both parties too.

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