I need help wording this effectively but sensitively to a difficult teenager

[Ladybirdman]

My DD was always a good, helpful, sweet natured girl who doted on her younger brother. Two years ago she changed and became moody, sullen, over whelmingly negative. She has had counselling to help her deal with negative thoughts but remains moody and not very nice at home. She is 17.

She does nothing at all to help around the house. When I ask her directly (say to empty the dishwasher) she will do so resentfully and with bad Grace and only ever when asked. The other night we went out to dinner, she was reasonably okay (she doesn't offer conversation but will respond when spoken to) and at the end of the evening I gave my 10 year old a hug as he said something funny. DD got in a strop. You love him more than me type things. I said you know I love you, I worry about you always, i drive you everywhere and I always make sure there is nutritious food available for you. When you don't think I love you remember those things say "I love you and think about you all the time". Its like trying to deal with a cactus. She sulked for the journey home and closed the door in my face when we came in and refused to look at me for the rest of the evening.

I want to say: buck up you selfish, spoiled girl. I love you, I am here for you always but it's a two way street. You need to pull your weight and not think you're the only one who needs a bit of support around the house. You are well loved and cared for.

BUT she is inclined towards sinking into a black mood and I don't want to be callous while at the same time feel she needs to grow up and stop being so bloody self absorbed.

Because she is a sensitive teenager with a history of low mood and counselling how do I talk to her? I feel like I am failing her because she says I am but I also feel like I am failing her for allowing her to believe at 17 that she is extra special. In my honest opinion she needs to cop herself on. My mother says it's because I always treated her as though she was extra special and now she absorbs all of my time and energy rather than it being shared with her sibling (and my mother is my DD's No1 fan so that was a shock to hear).

I am at a loss here. I have hated every bit of parenting her for the past two years and I don't have a clue how to do this. She is constantly negative. Everything is worse for her. Everything. Well of course, in reality, it's not, she is healthy and clever and pretty and I want to say this but I fear she may be a little manipulative and will only allow the picture to be painted with her as a hard done by victim.

Sorry *Dan Hughes

I agree with previous posters about why she said that when you hugged her brother. I think she's saying "where's my hug?" My instinct would be to just reassure her with "Of course I love you just as much, do you want a cuddle too?" Teenagers are still very much children and can get jealous.
Of course over time you've been worn down but she's reaching out there. You can tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and still show her Unconditoonal Positive Regard.
(I need to remember this with mine too tbh)

Love bomb her. Give her some quick big hugs and if she shrugs you off, then laugh gently, back off but say "you might not need it but I do".
She just wants to feel loved. Fake it at first till you make it. As a pp said, engineer situations so that you can praise her.
Tell her that she's special and no matter how she behaves you'll always love her and be there for her. Say you worry that she's not seeming happy and ask what you can do to help our day if it really arms too much therm a doctor can perhaps help.

Keep boundaries but be outwardly loving with it, even if you don't always feel loving towards her.

I feel sorry for the DD. I'm sorry, but I do

No need to be sorry, so do I.

Reading these responses it strikes me that becoming a parent does not automatically make one a saint, or a psychotherapist or anything more skilled than what you were before having a baby. The one thing it did do (for me) was make me want to protect my babies as much as possible. But that also means making sure they are tough enough to withstand life without me by their sides. To that end I will keep on expecting them to do chores and remind them that they live in a society, not a bubble.

But I will also try to make sure any hugs are evenly distributed. It occurred to me too that DD's jealousy of her brother is new. We expected some after he was born given her 7 years as an only but she never showed any and has always been so admirably kind and generous to him and he adores her, will do anything for her.

I think you need to be tough on kids to a point. We all seem to be afraid to pull them up on their behaviour. Let her know that you, like everyone else, RESPOND to the way YOU are treated by her. She is well and truly old enough to grasp the concept of reaponsibilities and manners, and I bet when out in the “real world”, she is as sweet as pie. She needs to be told and shown that you are not a series of functions designed to facilitate an easy life for her, but a separate person with feelings and plans of your own. This is where the whole “cult” of modern motherhood has failed us completely. We have raised children who don’t see us as beings at all.
THIS TOTALLY

I know how you feel op. I have an almost 13 year old who can get depressed and anxious - discharged from cahms as not deemed severe enough for their help. It's hard to know sometimes where the behaviour is stemming from his depression/anxiety and where he is just being a pain in the arse like all kids can be. As someone said upthread, the 2 things aren't in neat boxes. It doesn't help that he actually really doesn't like physical affection and doesn't like talking about his emotions so it can be very hard to address.

I actually do try very hard to let him know he is still 'likeable' and we accept him just as he is. He has 2 very sunny natured sisters and I think he's very aware of how different he is. I would hate him to think he is somehow less loved or appreciated because he's unable to be as happy as them.

I don't get it right all the time though, it's impossible to do that. I'm human and his behaviours and moods do impact on me and I struggle not to let that show. I yelled at him last night actually, after a day of being calm and measured and ignoring a lot of unpleasant behaviour, I lost it at the last push.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but I can at least offer solidarity.

Re-reading your op, I wouldn't say any of what you want to say actually. Not to her. It's understandable to think it. Say it in here or to a trusted friend but I don't think it would help at all to say that to her.

I try and tell my son that it's OK to feel sad and worried but it's not OK to treat us/people badly because of it. So last night he wasn't happy about our family evening out. He had a face like thunder the whole time, he stomped around and was curt to everyone. I ignored all that. I lost it with him eventually because he was really rude to me.

My DS was a very sullen and unfriendly teen from about 13 when the hormones kicked in. It was like he went from a sweet and funny little boy to a depressed and rude blankness overnight. I found it incredibly hard to deal with - it was just so rude. Thankfully at 17 he is now getting a lot better.

I learnt how to deal with it. I realised I had to change as he was. I would always check in with him - when I got in from work, at meals, in the evening. Offer a snack, be friendly and chatty, tell him I loved him. Often he was monosyllabic, he might completely ignore me, sometimes he'd chat back. I would offer to help, take an interest, give a lift. He might not take me up on anything but I kept offering. I was consistent and reliable and always loving.

On chores I was consistent too. He and his sister always had to clear the table after dinner and wash up. If I asked him to come and empty the dishwasher he would do it. Not always with a good grace. He is now expected to do his own washing, though occasionally I might put some of his stuff in with mine. If I felt like going out for dinner
I'd let him or his sister choose where. Or offer to do what he likes doing - 10 pin bowling or crazy golf. We also go for little drives in the car - maybe to the drive-in McDonalds or go to the barbers. Sometimes if I don't talk and accept the silence he initiates conversations. For my DS it might be about maps, or countries or different cultures. Not stuff I'd come up with. But clearly if my conversation is often transactional - have you done your homework, how was school, what are your plans at the weekend - it's just not that appealing to him. And he's suspicious - is my arriving in his bedroom just a way to have a go at him and tell him what to do?

I take the view that sometimes he's not friendly and not in the mood to talk. We all get like that don't we - we are home and a bit zoned out, don't feel like chatting. That's how our teens feel too - with knobs on. After a day at school they are sick of being told what to do and being expected to respond to adults on their terms. They just want to be at home and be at peace with themselves, to relax, chill, veg. Home is a haven right?

So really all I'm saying is that parenting is about learning who our kids are too. Giving them space to be but never wavering from unconditional love. And making sure our relationships aren't all on our terms and transactional. And of course, tons of patience and acceptance. They can be rude, lazy and unkind. But they've still got a heart and need to know we care. Even if it's the most annoying thing in the world.

@Bouledeneige

This is one of the most heartwarming posts I've ever read on here! What a lovely mum

Reflecting on what you said OP about the jealousy being a new thing...I remember my 2 year old DC when their sibling was born acting 'babyish' again, wanting to be spoon fed and picked up and rocked in our arms. Maybe your daughter is looking at your interaction with her younger brother and almost wishing she had that lovely, easy relationship with you again?

Actually brown, you have reminded me that she hates the thought of growing up and has actually said that so yes, that is probably a factor. I couldnt wait to grow up so that was unexpected for me.