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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I need help wording this effectively but sensitively to a difficult teenager

86 replies

Ladybirdman · 27/10/2019 20:33

My DD was always a good, helpful, sweet natured girl who doted on her younger brother. Two years ago she changed and became moody, sullen, over whelmingly negative. She has had counselling to help her deal with negative thoughts but remains moody and not very nice at home. She is 17.

She does nothing at all to help around the house. When I ask her directly (say to empty the dishwasher) she will do so resentfully and with bad Grace and only ever when asked. The other night we went out to dinner, she was reasonably okay (she doesn't offer conversation but will respond when spoken to) and at the end of the evening I gave my 10 year old a hug as he said something funny. DD got in a strop. You love him more than me type things. I said you know I love you, I worry about you always, i drive you everywhere and I always make sure there is nutritious food available for you. When you don't think I love you remember those things say "I love you and think about you all the time". Its like trying to deal with a cactus. She sulked for the journey home and closed the door in my face when we came in and refused to look at me for the rest of the evening.

I want to say: buck up you selfish, spoiled girl. I love you, I am here for you always but it's a two way street. You need to pull your weight and not think you're the only one who needs a bit of support around the house. You are well loved and cared for.

BUT she is inclined towards sinking into a black mood and I don't want to be callous while at the same time feel she needs to grow up and stop being so bloody self absorbed.

Because she is a sensitive teenager with a history of low mood and counselling how do I talk to her? I feel like I am failing her because she says I am but I also feel like I am failing her for allowing her to believe at 17 that she is extra special. In my honest opinion she needs to cop herself on. My mother says it's because I always treated her as though she was extra special and now she absorbs all of my time and energy rather than it being shared with her sibling (and my mother is my DD's No1 fan so that was a shock to hear).

I am at a loss here. I have hated every bit of parenting her for the past two years and I don't have a clue how to do this. She is constantly negative. Everything is worse for her. Everything. Well of course, in reality, it's not, she is healthy and clever and pretty and I want to say this but I fear she may be a little manipulative and will only allow the picture to be painted with her as a hard done by victim.

OP posts:

Thehagonthehill · 28/10/2019 23:19

My dd has been told from being quite young that sometimes I don't like her but will always,always love her.
She uses the don't like back to me and it is easier because the love is there(camouflaged,shrunk and hiding behind the wardrobe but still there).
It's very hard sometimes to just leave them be but often they don't know why they feel the way they feel so persistently asking just adds more pressure.
I now ask if it's anything I've done that I can sort(that was my worry not hers) if she says no I leave her too it and eventually(a few years) we are sailing calmer waters.
My main concerns were that she self harmed when younger and bottles up worries,she was seen by CHAMS and referred for assessment for autism (which came through this week after over 2 years).
We've both had to work out what's hormones, what's justifiable and what's her anxiety(?autism) and they're not in neat seperate boxes.
At 16 were mostly left with that I'm really annoying and the anxiety (social)which we are managing to an extent.She can still eyeroll but will help around the house if asked.

Teachermaths · 29/10/2019 06:53

Most of our issues stem from me feeling that I am disliked / not valued as a person by her.

Which don't come from a one off comment. Those sorts of feelings come from years of comments and comparisons to siblings.

I bet your mum meant she didn't Iike your behaviour but she still loved you. Only she wasn't quite explicit about your behaviour being the issue, not you personally.

peachgreen · 29/10/2019 10:23

With respect, Teacher, I think I know the ins and outs of my relationship with my mother better than you do. I don't know why it's so important to you to invalidate my experience and feelings but whatever the reason I would appreciate it if you stopped.

Teachermaths · 29/10/2019 10:42

I'm not invalidating your experience. But that one comment isn't the full story. It's unfair to make the OP think that one comment will change her ds life so much.

peachgreen · 29/10/2019 11:18

Eh? OP didn't say that to her DD. I was talking about how feeling disliked by your mum can be hurtful and sometimes you need to reassure your children that you like them as well as love them.

Sparklyboots · 29/10/2019 13:07

Isn't the general consensus now that we name behaviour, rather than collapse it into who the child is? So good effort rather than good girl, sort of thing. On the corollary, I don't like it when you x, rather than, I don't like you.

I can't see how it helps the child to feel disliked as a person, presumably usually in those moments where they are struggling in any case. I mean, it's not likely to be said to a child swimming along happily doing their homework? It'll be being said when the child is already struggling with negative feelings - when they are cross, or frustrated, or at odds with their parents. I don't think you can get round that whatever else you are doing, ypu are telling the child that people won't like them when they are experiencing negative feelings. Hardly conducive to opening up to your parents when you are having a hard time

AuntyElle · 29/10/2019 19:19

Excellent post, Sparklyboots. I think telling children you ‘love them but don’t like them right now’ is unnecessarily horrible, and doesn’t work in the way intended.

differentnameforthis · 30/10/2019 01:57

@Teachermaths that one comment isn't the full story. It's unfair to make the OP think that one comment will change her ds life so much.

It won't be just one comment though. The dd will KNOW how her mother feels, even if things are all unsaid. My mother never said "I hate you" but the other words she used (and the ones she didn't use) did.

No, I am not saying the op hates her dd, but that is what dd's perception will be. My mother always said "you know I love, right?" and time after time I wanted to say, "Actually no, I don't know that. Because you never show it, or tell me it"

Pointing out to your kids the stuff you do for them that you signed up to do when you conceived them is not a show of love. It's a show of doing your absolute minimum, and tells them that that is all they are worthy of. The absolute minimum, and it feels fucking crap!!

@peachgreen

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 06:53

@differentnameforthis

That's exactly my point. One comment doesn't make a relationship difficult. Peaches saying that the comment "I love you but I don't always like you" will cause years of upset is wrong. The comment coupled with the treatment she (and you) have subsequently described of course will lead to low self esteem. But singling out the comment alone is disengenous.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/10/2019 07:08

iknowimcomig that’s a great positive post and it must be quite hard to do. I def feel I’m in a spiral of negativity with one of mine so I’m going to try hard today to implement some of this.

peachgreen · 30/10/2019 07:16

I genuinely believe if my mum hadn't vocalised it in that way I wouldn't have realised it. She doesn't treat me badly. While it's obvious she gets on much better with my brother, she still tries her best to treat us fairly. If she hadn't said that, I don't know that I would have realised that the problem is that she just doesn't like me as a person. So no, I'm not being "disingenuous" - I'm sharing my own (very painful) experience in the hope that OP will be able to avoid making the same mistake.

I don't know why you're so insistent on telling me I'm wrong to feel the way I do but I'd appreciate it if you stopped doing so.

everyonebutme · 30/10/2019 07:17

I can relate to this post. Have you looked at the Love Languages? www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/teens/

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 07:29

I'm not telling you you're feelings are wrong. I'm saying that one comment in isolation wouldn't make you feel that way. It really wouldn't. There's history and a back story. She treats your brother differently, you've said it yourself. The comment isn't an isolated incident in an otherwise loving happy relationship.

orangeteal · 30/10/2019 07:33

Has she gone on the pill? I really worry about the impact of hormonal contraception on young girls, when I look back I can see a change in my behaviour when I went on the pill.

peachgreen · 30/10/2019 07:36

Okay teacher. I can only assume that you're projecting your guilt over having said it or similar to your own kids and that's why you're so insistent on telling me I'm wrong. For the record, I have never felt unloved by my mum. Just unlike.

differentnameforthis · 30/10/2019 07:40

@Teachermaths You are not reading what either of us are saying, it is NEVER just "one comment" regardless of what you say. I am not trying to hurt op, but she will find, if she reflects that this is a common thing in her household, her well meaning but ill thought out "phrases" towards her dd.

Hug one child while telling the other that she doesn't need attention because you cook for her etc. As a PP said, kids like this need us MORE then ever! It is clear this child is struggling, but isn't get the help she needs, just dismissive comments.

differentnameforthis · 30/10/2019 07:44

So no, I'm not being "disingenuous" - I'm sharing my own (very painful) experience in the hope that OP will be able to avoid making the same mistake. Same here.

Oblomov19 · 30/10/2019 08:12

I have every sympathy. My Ds1 is similar. Ds2 is easy. It makes parenting so hard!

Isaididont · 30/10/2019 08:22

I agree with what some people have said about when you’re at your most unloveable that’s when you most need to be loved.
She’s obviously struggling with some big emotions and hormones right now. She doesn’t need to know you’ll do for chores for her. She needs to feel that unconditional love in whatever way she best experiences it - words of affirmation, quality time, gifts or whatever.
I remember well how awful I felt as a teenager - what I needed most was unconditional love but I didn’t experience that from my parents. It was a grim time that affected me into my 20s.

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 09:07

Sharing your experience is fine and helpful. As long as you are clear it's part of wider behaviour displayed by your parent/s. Which in your subsequent posts you did. However your first post was just about that one comment. As a stand alone comment it is fine. Plenty of people say it and it leads to no harm. I haven't said it to a child yet, but I have said it to a sibling. "I love you but I don't like how you are behaving right now". It didn't cause years of emotional damage, instead it made them think about how their behaviour might be impacting on other people.

peachgreen · 30/10/2019 09:14

Again, "I love you but I don't like how you are behaving right now" is not what my mum said to me.

peachgreen · 30/10/2019 09:16

And you have conveniently chosen to ignore the rest of my first post which gave OP lots of advice about how to demonstrate to her child that she liked her.

peachgreen · 30/10/2019 09:17

In addition, I do NOT agree that "I love you but I don't always like you" is "fine" as a standalone comment to your children. And nor do other previous posters. Whether it's part of a wider pattern or behaviour or not, it can be damaging and is extremely unkind.

EL2019 · 30/10/2019 09:19

You could try the approach I was taught which is to completely accept their truth and empathise with it without judgement. (I don’t always succeed in this!)

“So when I hugged your brother you felt that it meant I didn’t love you. Huh? That must feel really bad. That must really hurt. What’s that like for you to feel that?”

Then stop talking and listen. Don’t give them the fiery response or deny their feelings. “Of course I do”.

Just accept that is how they feel in. That moment and empathise. It sounds woolly, but it does work.

(Not you don’t say “that made you feel” so you don’t say, “when I hugged your brother that made you feel hurt” because that implies causation rather than just is.

Look up PACE parenting or DDP. Or anything by DN Hughes.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/10/2019 09:19

I feel sorry for the DD. I'm sorry, but I do. I wonder when the last time she got a spontaneous hug was?

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