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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Has DD been groomed or is this toxic friendship?

75 replies

picknmixer · 27/09/2019 16:30

DD14 is year 10. She has had a large friendship group since year 7 with one girl closer than the rest (A). A has experienced ACE (adverse childhood experiences) with an alcoholic father who was moved into a shelter facility last year. Over the summer I became aware of an intense level of non stop contact from A demanding rapid responses. The messages are a mix of 'we belong together' 'only we understand each other' type message and a lot of derogatory comments about others. DD has notably not joined in the unkindness. I have been called a 'hairy lesbian' DH a 'useless faggot' and other nastiness when DD hasn't been able to respond immediately. Other friends have been pushed aside and critised and a brief flirtation of DDs with a (lovely) boy was ridiculed with him being called a 'pussy' and a 'faggot' and A telling DD he had told everyone she was 'frigid' (which I doubt and DD questioned). 4 weeks ago A took an overdose of prescription medication she had stolen from her father. This was in response to DD not replying to messages (DD was playing outside and didn't have her phone). Now she constantly tells DD she is alone and thinking of harming herself.

The messages are constant. 16 received last night between 1am and 5am (DDs phone is downstairs). They are all:
I love you, you are my life I need you
You are so beautiful
No one understands you like I do, we should always be together
You don't care about me, you don't reply, I feel so low
Your mum is disgusting not letting you have your phone, it's your right, she is such a smelly bitch, she should fuck off
I feel like I it's going to happen again
I need you, no one else understands
etc etc

etc etc. I am struggling to know how to handle it. DD is clearly upset and struggling. I want to support A but cannot allow DD to be manipulated. It's all such a mess. Advice recommended please, I am very concerned.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 27/09/2019 16:31

Contact the school.
Block A.

sockittome123 · 27/09/2019 16:34

Definitely contact the school, they need to know about this.

sockittome123 · 27/09/2019 16:34

Definitely contact the school, they need to know about this.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 27/09/2019 16:36

Agree with the above poster, friend clearly needs help. Who does this girl live with? Do you know the carer?

How does your DD feel about the friendship? Does she enjoy her company? Does your DD have other friends or has this girl scared them all away?

Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 16:48

Thank you all so much.
A lives with DM. When I attempted to broach it - in a "I think it would benefit them to widen their circle" way, very positive she went berserk and text me saying she was 'livid' I was trying to damage her DD's friendships when she was so vulnerable.
I have spoken to the school and I know I has counselling from CAMHS and school staff. I asked that it be monitored and the school agree it is 'not a positive friendship' but 'don't want to make things worse'. I called today and asked if DD could get some help with resilience and relationships from the counseller and was told "I think that A will find out and it will make things worse for DD"
A is openly trying to encourage DD to sneak out, steal, lie. I am at a loss.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 27/09/2019 16:50

Move school.

SofiaAmes · 27/09/2019 16:54

My DD used to make friendships like this. A is mentally ill and needs support but that support needs to come from a professional and an adult and not your DD who is a child. You can explain it to her just like that so she doesn't feel a sense of obligation. Explain to your GG that she would be doing a disservice to a if she tried to support her because she isn't a professional.
As everyone else said, please contact the school.
Recently my DD had one of these old friends reappear and start texting her incessantly and threatening to either break into our house or commit suicide if DD didn't meet up with her. Dd had blocked her on social media and ignored the calls but the girl kept changing online identities and DD was quite worried about her. I contacted the mother (who seemed to be fairly stable) and said this has to stop otherwise I will call the police. She spoke with her DD and we haven't heard from her since.
I want to add that my other child is mentally ill and has had periods of instability. He needed and got professional help, but there were times where I had to intervene to pull him away from other children that he was trying to rely on inappropriately. The parent of A should not be unaware is that her child needs professional support.
Just to summarize you must get your DD away from this girl.

SofiaAmes · 27/09/2019 16:56

Sorry cross-posted. It sounds like the school are particularly useless. Have you spoken directly with the mental health provider at the school? As others have said perhaps you should consider moving schools. This is too toxic to leave your DD trying to deal with it.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 27/09/2019 16:57

O would be moving school because they are not protecting your daughter.
She needs to be blocked.
I would be printing off the messages and showing them to school too.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 27/09/2019 16:57

That is a shocking response from the school

fallfallfall · 27/09/2019 16:57

Be firmer. Plan other actives during spare times when your DD would ordinarily spend time with this gal. See if school timetable can be switched about so they have no classes together.
As you’re aware this is an unhealthy relationship.
Grey rock/no contact.

Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 17:16

Yes, I was disappointed with the school. They are year 10 and she is in top sets for everything (not with A in class), it would be very difficult to move schools at this stage. She is also doing a further maths qualification which is only offered at her school locally. I am not ruling it out altogether but it seems a harsh punishment for DD.
I have taken away all DDs electronics atm as she has been obsessively checking them and not enjoying other things. Her one hobby was joined by A last year, I have suggested changing clubs.
I agree with you all and thank you. I was worried I was letting A down, she needs proper support.

OP posts:
Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 17:20

The thing that has bothered me most is A's instagram is open and has a lot of photos of her dressed up - looking very mature, the photos are clearly for male attention and she has thousands of followers.
I have noticed DD has blocked a lot of contact requests on instagram, cross checking these are adult men following A's account. I do not know how to broach this with anyone. I was accused of 'shaming' when I tried to discuss it with the head of the hobby club.
It is wrong isn't it? And a sign of low self esteem/a cry for help? Or am I old fashioned and out of touch.
DD's account is private and temporarily suspended.

OP posts:
Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 17:21

thank you so much for the advice, I have been unable to sleep for weeks :(

OP posts:
wishingforapositiveyear · 27/09/2019 17:22

Your poor dd that is emotional abuse, it's mad that everyone's protecting A and ignoring the fact that your DDs life is being controlled and manipulating.

Rachelover60 · 27/09/2019 17:27

This is a very sad tale, picknmixer, I'm so sorry for your daughter, and you and her friend.

I can't add anything to what has been said, agree the school are useless. I hope things improve, that the girl gets help she badly needs and that there is support for your daughter.

TriDreigiau · 27/09/2019 17:30

Can you reframed it as bullying issue to the school - and try the schools bulling procedures - and go up through the complaints procedures?

Family member primary aged child had a toxic friendship where they weren't allowed other friends. School was initally useless as other child did have some SEN issues but then relatives child was having problems as well. It really wasn't great for relatives child - they stopped outside clubs started not wanting to go to school.

It went better when they fianlly got the school on board that this was a form of bullying. Though it's possible the school witll still be awful.

Otherwise I think running as much interferce for your DD is probably a good idea. I''d also think about letting other chld know that you are seeing the messages and reporting them.

insanepizza · 27/09/2019 17:35

I am afraid now is not the time to be worrying about A. You need to fight for your daughter, she is not responsible for A's well being.

SheStoodInTheStorm · 27/09/2019 17:37

I can't believe how shocking the school's response is!!

I agree with a PP who said if they won't take it seriously then you should go from the bullying angle. Because actually it is a form of bullying.

GreenTulips · 27/09/2019 17:39

Sounds like As mum also relies on your DD.

You need to put a stop to it. Neither you or you daughter are responsible for As actions. It needs to stop.

I’d speak to school again and tell them what you said here. There’s nothing wrong in mentioning a young vulnerable child’s online account being unsuitable either, bit you have to stick to DD feels DD is aware of DD is worried - don’t stick your oar in the other girls business so to speak

puremagic · 27/09/2019 17:40

Block the friend. Safeguard your daughter. She's being abused. You need to be the bad guy I'm afraid. Advise cahms and the school so they can plan contingencies.

The most I'd consider is a last resort supervised short visit once every fortnight. On the basis there was no more emotional blackmail.

Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 17:43

thank you, it's just hit me how bad this is. oh god, I've let her down so badly

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 27/09/2019 17:44

Why the school? take it to the police. cyberbullying is an offence.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 27/09/2019 17:48

No formal advice but how does your dd feel about this? I would consider taking her to some sort of resilience class or therapy to recognise unhealthy relationships. Perhaps start with some relationship reference books. I'm sure someone will be along with more helpful advice.
I would consider getting firmer with the school and escalating by your concerns for both your own dd and for A.

fallfallfall · 27/09/2019 17:49

A is not your responsibility in any way shape or form.

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