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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Has DD been groomed or is this toxic friendship?

75 replies

picknmixer · 27/09/2019 16:30

DD14 is year 10. She has had a large friendship group since year 7 with one girl closer than the rest (A). A has experienced ACE (adverse childhood experiences) with an alcoholic father who was moved into a shelter facility last year. Over the summer I became aware of an intense level of non stop contact from A demanding rapid responses. The messages are a mix of 'we belong together' 'only we understand each other' type message and a lot of derogatory comments about others. DD has notably not joined in the unkindness. I have been called a 'hairy lesbian' DH a 'useless faggot' and other nastiness when DD hasn't been able to respond immediately. Other friends have been pushed aside and critised and a brief flirtation of DDs with a (lovely) boy was ridiculed with him being called a 'pussy' and a 'faggot' and A telling DD he had told everyone she was 'frigid' (which I doubt and DD questioned). 4 weeks ago A took an overdose of prescription medication she had stolen from her father. This was in response to DD not replying to messages (DD was playing outside and didn't have her phone). Now she constantly tells DD she is alone and thinking of harming herself.

The messages are constant. 16 received last night between 1am and 5am (DDs phone is downstairs). They are all:
I love you, you are my life I need you
You are so beautiful
No one understands you like I do, we should always be together
You don't care about me, you don't reply, I feel so low
Your mum is disgusting not letting you have your phone, it's your right, she is such a smelly bitch, she should fuck off
I feel like I it's going to happen again
I need you, no one else understands
etc etc

etc etc. I am struggling to know how to handle it. DD is clearly upset and struggling. I want to support A but cannot allow DD to be manipulated. It's all such a mess. Advice recommended please, I am very concerned.

OP posts:
Cocolapew · 27/09/2019 17:49

You need to protect your DD and let her realise A isn't her responsibility.
Block her on everything.
Go back to the school and kick up a stink, the reponse from them is shocking.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 27/09/2019 17:51

Or even put some boundaries in place for your dd. Change after school activities to a different day, block her from meeting A etc. How willing is your dd?

NC4Now · 27/09/2019 17:55

I think it’s a police issue too. They are there to protect vulnerable people, which both girls in this are.
A is already under Camhs but this kind of toxic relationship is harmful to your dds mental health too.
I honestly think the police, or social services with this one.

blackcat86 · 27/09/2019 17:56

I'm gobsmacked by the schools response. They are basically suggesting that DD should remain an emotional crutch for this girl and take whatever A dishes out or it 'will be worse for her'. Eh no school, you're supposed to be part of managing this! What does DD want to do? Would she be ok with you showing school the messages and the sheer volume of them as well as trying to make DD responsible for her hurting herself? It's basically coercive control. Her mothers reaction to your very polite suggestion is also a massive red flag . Distance, distance, distance however you need to.

Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 17:56

DD is says she understands what I say and does accept not having phone etc atm but A waits for her everywhere and I can't stop her seeing her at school. She returns from spending time with A hard faced, eye rolling, unkind to her DB.

I have just found videos mocking her DB on a chat she has with A. It's horrible. I'm so upset.

I will pursue on Monday but I am scared of pushing DD to her by being too strict.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/09/2019 18:04

Forget A, your focus needs to be your own Daughter OP, you must address this, if the school is not responding then escalate it FAST. I would also change schools, she will adjust, and I'd also be contacting the Police.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/09/2019 18:06

I called today and asked if DD could get some help with resilience and relationships from the counseller and was told "I think that A will find out and it will make things worse for DD"

You need to take this appalling response further OP.

Wildorchidz · 27/09/2019 18:07

Actually I’m wondering about this ...

alexdgr8 · 27/09/2019 18:11

this other girl is not your responsibility, your daughter is.
if she really cannot change schools, could she not do the extra maths with tutoring help maybe, then you must keep her away from A.
block all contact. also I would approach the police, social services, and NSPCC. have print outs of objectionable messages, and of their frequency, to evidence a pattern of behaviour.
it is at least harassment, attempted co-ercive control. the legal age of criminal responsibility is 10 in England. so it is quite appropriate to approach police; unlikely they would take proceedings but it would be officially recorded, and may be able to escalate to other interventions.
good luck.

Fizzypoo · 27/09/2019 18:12

The school have a legal safeguarding duty towards your dd too. Pull them up on that. They are neglecting to keep your dd emotionally safe from this poor mixed up girl who needs therapeutic interventions from professionals, not your dd who could be damaged by this.

MaudebeGonne · 27/09/2019 18:14

If this was a boyfriend, it would be very clearly an abusive relationship.

I hope you can find a way to support your daughter in freeing herself from this toxic and potentially dangerous friendship.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 27/09/2019 18:23

Another who is shocked by the school's inadequate response.

If A were male this would be a creepy stalker case. I don't think that her sex changes that. "We're meant to be together" is creepy as hell. And it didn't seem too big a leap in imagination to think that that coupled with A's mental health and suicide threats could result in her trying to get your daughter to do a suicide pact with her Sad

I don't know what to suggest for your daughter's best interests. It certainly seems to be to keep her and A away from one another, but if she's waiting for and following her at school and that's affecting your daughter's behaviour... Sad you're right to stay in control of the electronic gadgets. I know she is so well settled in an otherwise great school but it really seems like a good idea to consider moving her.

No reasonable adult can insist that a child is forced to be responsible for another's happiness and mental health. What an awfully big burden to put on her, and way to fuck up her future approaches to relationships. Your daughter is not a sacrificial lamb, no matter what A's mum or school think.

veryboredtoday · 27/09/2019 18:23

You need to back to the school. Did you have a discussion on the phone. Insist on speaking to one of SLT not just head of year. The girl is probably difficult to manage at school and your dd makes their life easier by being friends with her. You need to be firm that they have a duty of care to your daughter as well.

It's a difficult situation and I wish you luck and hope your dd can eventually work it out herself.

MissPepper8 · 27/09/2019 18:24

Have you had a sit down conversation with your daughter about the text messages? I think maybe you just have to tell her straight that you've seen the texts and you're not sure of their friendship (Does she like her? If so I'd be careful as it could backfire). Does she have other friends? Can you suggest she has cinema nights ect with them instead?

I remember being 14, switched friends constantly and always had arguments. I think she has got to have it in her to just ignore this girl and socialise with other girls.

None of this is any use if she is going back to her as soon as she gets to school. Failing that, you might actually just have to prepare to move schools, depends how she can handle this and how much more you can take.

Binglebong · 27/09/2019 18:24

Another poster might know if your DD would find the Freedom Program useful? I'm thinking something she can access quickly, looking for counselling etc would take longer.

Fizzypoo · 27/09/2019 18:24

I think you should also contact your local childrens safeguarding board. The school obviously need more training.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 18:31

The school and the counsellor are making your dd responsible for a disturbed girls mental wellbeing. This is appalling. Does your dd fully understand to what extent she is being manipulated by people, who are supposed to safeguard her?

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 27/09/2019 18:36

No contact block her on everything
And simply tell DD to tell A 'my mother has said I'm not to bother with you anymore' and walk away if A says anything else Dd says ' me and my mother have had a chat and we both think it's for the best' and walk away ignore anything else and don't worry about what anyone will say or how old they are Dd is still a child and needs protecting you've tried to let school sort it, tried to discuss it with A's mother to no avail, tried talking to Dd last option is to cut it altogether don't keep letting it chip at your daughters life
Put Dd first if this was a bf relationship everyone would be supporting your Dd, if A was a illegal drug user and constantly asking Dd to support her you would be saying leave it to the professionals and not allowing your Dd to get involved.
As for Dd I think a long chat is needed about the kind of person she wants to be and the choices she makes and a good cover of why this girl is toxic to Dd and disrespectful and controlling and that it isn't her place as a child to have this on her shoulders and a good cover on boundaries and respect

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 18:38

A needs a lot more help than she's getting. Someone needs to be more insistent on this. I'd be telling the school I feared for both A and your DD's safety.

The relationship between she & your DD is toxic and needs ending now. Point blank.

There isn't a lot that we can do on here, action needs taking quickly.

Original poster
picknmixer · 27/09/2019 18:40

Yes, I will go back to school. I have also contacted a local counsellor.

I think I underplayed it a bit to the school because I am afraid of being accused of being unsupportive to such a vulnerable girl.

OP posts:
Love51 · 27/09/2019 18:41

I remember being the only support for a child (teenager) who was self harming when I was about that age. I felt responsible and even lied to my parents about where I was to clean her up, and I didn't usually lie (they were quite relaxed, so I didn't need to). Ask your daughter how she feels about this friendship, and if she agrees it needs limiting, and if she wants to limit it herself or hide behind you (either is fine imho).
Be clear that the tech isn't a punishment, it is up protect her. Allow her limited use.
Escalate with the school, if you have exhausted assistant head / head / exec options, go to the govs.

katalavenete · 27/09/2019 18:56

It's not grooming, it's a child with developmental trauma who doesn't know how to form healthy relationships and attachments, and has more distress than she can manage. Which is very sadly having a negative impact on your child.

Have you tried speaking to the Nspcc for advice? They can be really good.

And what kind of "hobby club" are you allowing your child to attend where the adults don't have basic safeguarding awareness?

I also hope it wasn't the school who told you about the counselling etc that this child is receiving, because that's a huge breach of confidentiality. Your child should be entitled to confidentiality too, so on what basis did the school say it would become known if she received support?

Don't approach this with the school in terms of the other child, because aside from anything else doing so appears to just be overshadowing your actual concerns about your own daughter, but in terms of how your child will be appropriately safeguarded and supported. It's not for you to discuss any other child, unless you have safeguarding concerns to report.

Echobelly · 27/09/2019 19:03

It's not being unsupportive - it is preventing her projecting all her (very sad) difficulties onto your DD who, as other posters have said, is a child and should not have to deal with this upsetting behaviour.

GreenTulips · 27/09/2019 19:09

I am afraid of being accused of being unsupportive to such a vulnerable girl

She’s not your responsibility, your daughter heath and we’ll being are

whatwouldnigellado · 27/09/2019 19:23

Hi Op I’m a CAMHS worker with a lot of clients like A. I would suggest also giving CAMHS a call (they can’t talk to you about A but you can talk to them iyswim). It might help them to be able to trigger more appropriate support for A through social care as it is clear that she is not feeling supported and contained by either school or home which is where the support should be coming from.
In terms of your DD, I’d have a chat about your concerns, acknowledging you hadn’t realised the impact of it before but TELLING her what you are going to do now rather than asking her, that way it removes all responsibility from her. Block A and challenge school about their not suitable response. That level of teenage intensity is hard enough to manage as a trained professional, I’m
Not surprised it’s felt overwhelming for both your DD and you.