Has DD been groomed or is this toxic friendship?

[picknmixer]

DD14 is year 10. She has had a large friendship group since year 7 with one girl closer than the rest (A). A has experienced ACE (adverse childhood experiences) with an alcoholic father who was moved into a shelter facility last year. Over the summer I became aware of an intense level of non stop contact from A demanding rapid responses. The messages are a mix of 'we belong together' 'only we understand each other' type message and a lot of derogatory comments about others. DD has notably not joined in the unkindness. I have been called a 'hairy lesbian' DH a 'useless faggot' and other nastiness when DD hasn't been able to respond immediately. Other friends have been pushed aside and critised and a brief flirtation of DDs with a (lovely) boy was ridiculed with him being called a 'pussy' and a 'faggot' and A telling DD he had told everyone she was 'frigid' (which I doubt and DD questioned). 4 weeks ago A took an overdose of prescription medication she had stolen from her father. This was in response to DD not replying to messages (DD was playing outside and didn't have her phone). Now she constantly tells DD she is alone and thinking of harming herself.

The messages are constant. 16 received last night between 1am and 5am (DDs phone is downstairs). They are all:
I love you, you are my life I need you
You are so beautiful
No one understands you like I do, we should always be together
You don't care about me, you don't reply, I feel so low
Your mum is disgusting not letting you have your phone, it's your right, she is such a smelly bitch, she should fuck off
I feel like I it's going to happen again
I need you, no one else understands
etc etc

etc etc. I am struggling to know how to handle it. DD is clearly upset and struggling. I want to support A but cannot allow DD to be manipulated. It's all such a mess. Advice recommended please, I am very concerned.

You haven't let your daughter down at all. Don't feel like that.

You need some sleep (bath, wine and bed as early as possible) and then to make a plan tomorrow. DD can help but ultimately it needs to come from you. She is clearly a great, great girl and it's time to fight her corner.

Thank you for the advice
I'm going to act on it Monday.
Interestingly dd has not asked for her phone and seems very happy today, more relaxed than she's been for ages.

That’s really positive your dd is starting to relax. From her POV, she has been receiving the message she’s expected to deal with this and just cope. Now she can start to be a normal teen again.

Im a teacher at a secondary school with safeguarding responsibilities. The school sounds like they are not fulfilling their legal responsibilities to safeguard both your daughter and her friend. If you can find out who the designated safeguarding lead is at the school then please take this matter straight to them. Failing that, contact the police. The new policy for safeguarding very much incorporates the police. A is clearly a very vulnerable child and your daughter is also on the receiving end of peer on peer emotional abuse.

Sending you lots of strength OP!

Thank you all so much. They play a sport together. DD desperate not to switch clubs or stop. It's not fair to make her leave but I've withdrawn her from a trip in a few weeks.

I once your daughter know you have her back and she can rely on you to get her out of situations (like removing her phone, taking her out of trips etc) then she will fine her own strength. A may also move on to someone else unless she gets the help she needs, but neither you or your daughter need concern yourselves with that.

You sound like you’re doing everything you can, your DD is lucky to have you OP

I have 4 kids, my eldest (21) has emotionally unstable personality disorder from childhood trauma . She has been A in the past and it was mine, the schools and CAMHS responsibility to cate and protect her from herself.

I can only say this one way. A is NOT your priority , your daughter is. You need to protect you child over helping A. I would move heaven and earth to get my child away from somebody like A as they can impact social development MASSIVELY. Your daughter is right now building foundations for future relationships and you are kind of telling her you both need to help A as she is struggling and yet also clearly emotionally manipulative, has shocking boundaries , is showing signs of being groomed and is now courting sexual attention from adults.

If she was 19, and this was her boyfriend.... would you feel the same way about helping A? I hope not.

Protect your daughter. Emotional abuse and threatening suicide needs police and social service involvement. Tell the police you are worried about A then show them all the threats etc. Report to social services . Write a letter to school saying they are failing to safe guard your child by allowing A to approach her at school.Then remove A from your daughters life as much as you can. Get her a new hobby.

You and your daughter would both benefit from doing the freedom programme to learn about what is ok in a healthy relationship and at what point you step back. Please don't think I am being mean posting all thisbut I have seen some of my daughter (she is an A) friends be one almost as bad her. Please stop this now .

I hope your DD is having a better day today OP

Today has been ok. She has come to the realisation that this is real, and that things will have to change in the last 24hrs. I think she's been thinking A will suddenly be how she appeared to be when they first met, but I am encouraging her to see that will not happen and she needs to pursue her own goals and development. She asked if she could have her phone and I said not yet. I think we are all a bit taken aback.

Last night I found several secret instagram accounts and a snapchat account belonging to A on DD's accounts. I was searching social media posts until 3am and it is an odd world. I am exhausted. I can't believe I have been so stupid.

Who have you been dealing with? Address a letter of complaint to the head teacher, head of pastoral care and/ or safeguarding lead copying in the head of governors - you must write a letter as it will need to be kept on file - if you email these can be deleted. By copying in the head of governors this ensures that the matter will be properly investigated and not brushed under the carpet. It is not yours/ your DD’s responsibility to provide mental health support for this child.

Please do not feel you have let your DD down - you haven't. You have been keeping an eye on her and now actively protecting her from A's attentions. You've been given great advice on this thread. Its good to hear your DD is more relaxed. Stop beating yourself up and try and get a good night's sleep tonight.

DD is having counselling starting next week.

Last night DH and DS went out and we did a lot of talking and worked thru some things together. There has been a lot of lying, sneaking around and manipulation. DD says she is pleased it is all over now and she can relax and be herself. She is cooking a big Sunday lunch and seems quite relaxed today.
I have received some very unpleasant messages from A's DM accusing me of damaging her DD and destroying her friendships/mental health etc. I received another message from a woman I have never spoken to or met that is friends with A's mother and has a DD the same age - very unpleasant, critical of me as an individual and my values/parenting. I have just ignored them.

She's not having her phone back and the social media accounts are permanently deleted now. I cannot carry on with this fog. We need a fresh start, honesty, clarity and common sense.

I am so appreciative to you all for taking the time and care to reply. I felt I was losing my mind when I posted this.

Stay strong OP.
It's disappointing to read that A's mother and friend have gotten involved.

Its not surprising though is it? I mean your DD was A crunch and it’s been taken away so A mother has to step up instead.

This is not your doing or even your DDs doing. It’ll get worse before they find another victim.

Tell your DD she absolutely shouldn't have to deal with this. At no point in her life is someone else's MH her responsibility (unless it's her own child) and especially not at her age. I'd encourage her to reply: I'm sorry you feel so down but I am not capable of handling this. You need and deserve proper help. xxx Then get her to repeat this whenever the girl makes contact. It shows concern and respect for the girl's problems while setting up appropriate boundaries.

I can't get over her mother texting you and her friend? I think that's absolutely bizarre. Considering girls argue and fight and then makeup friends, It makes you wonder how often she would do that? Also what's her daughter been telling her? It's a bit silly for her to get involved.

Block them both, I feel for you both you're both caught up with these people but you're doing amazing and the right thing. Hopefully the other girl will move on soon.

Please do not beat yourself up about it and feel you have failed - it is an awful problem, and very hard to solve. I know - I went through it with one of my DDs (before social media was a thing) and I was at my wit's end. The manipulation of suicide threats is agony for a young person. I watched my DD get very upset about it - so you have all my sympathy. I understand the position you are in.

In DD's case the whole thing did blow over by itself; and the girl herself spontaneously apologised to me some years later and recognised that I must have been very worried. But there was no social media and we lived in a very isolated place so it was not so difficult to keep this girl at bay out of school hours.

I am a school governor now (on the staffing committee) and would want to know what is happening and hold the staff to account if they did not take the right steps to stop this bullying - for she is being bullied, however vulnerable the perpetrator might be.

You have all my sympathy. But you are not to blame - please remember that. You are doing your best to find a way through this and no-one could do more.

If I were you I’d send A DM a message to say that you don’t want any more contact between her/her dd and you or your dd and that if any contact occurs, you’ll be calling the police

Tell the school exactly what is going on and that A is not to approach your dd under any circumstances

This is seriously abusive

Contact the police stalking/harassment dept too, see what they recommend

I have only just seen your thread but I must comment on one of your earlier posts. You have not let your DD down. Sometimes situations have to play for a bit before we can see things we may not like.

Please go back to the school with full copies of any messages, including those from the adults, full links to the other accounts, copies of blocked people(the men from Instagram?). If a state school, there will be a Pastoral Manager, Safeguarding lead etc. This is now beyond what a Year 10 child should deal with.

I have now worked in 2 schools (one indep, one state, but not directly with pupils) and in both schools this type of issue is taken very very seriously. This link may help. Preventing peer-on-peer abuse is the current hot topic in education

www.gov.uk/government/publications/keeping-children-safe-in-education--2

the social media accounts are permanently deleted

They can just be reactivated so don’t think that they have gone.

Hope your DD is ok and school have taken it more seriously.

Thank you, yes, things are improving and the school have arranged some counselling. It’s going to be an uphill struggle thou.

That is horrendous from the adults. Have you kept the messages from A and the log of the number of messages and calls ? A’s Mum nor the school, could possibly fault you for wanting to protect your daughter from that onslaught.

I hope it turns out ok.