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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

12 year old behaviour

25 replies

WilkosWanderer · 20/09/2019 22:17

Guest post from my friend, she requested I do it as she doesn't have an account, if you check my post history (however you do that) you can see my kids are to young for this board.

So today my friends 13 year old asked to go to a party that lasts until 11 PM with friends obviously suspicious and she refused to let him out at all tonight if he even tried to attend. She had a look through his phone and it seems as if it was organised on Facebook in a field in my city, which on inspection seemed to have 15/16 year olds attending. She checked Instagram convos that said things (a direct quote from the message she told me) 'the feds came and we all dipped'.

She is lost and wondering if it's cause for a punishment, advise or something else and would appreciate the advise, she has no account but will be lurking on this thread

OP posts:

Original poster

WilkosWanderer · 20/09/2019 22:17

Ugh! Accidentally fat fingered the 2 instead of 3 in the title, sorry!

OP posts:

Original poster

WilkosWanderer · 21/09/2019 09:12

Just a little bump as no replies last night.

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MarigoldGlove · 21/09/2019 09:16

So he asked if he could go to a party and she said no and so he didn’t go?

And the party was in a field and was for children two and three years older?

And someone who wasn’t this child but something on social media about the party that this child didn’t go to and now your friend wants to know if she should punish her child for this?

SRK16 · 21/09/2019 09:21

I don’t understand what there would be to punish? It’s not like he snuck out against her wishes, he asked to go and she said no?
If anything a sensible conversation about why it could be problematic if he had gone e.g. exposure to drugs, what if someone is violent to him, what if he got in trouble. She needs to do this in a way that means he will continue to be honest with her and knows he can contact her if in future he did get in trouble.

negomi90 · 21/09/2019 09:25

If he snuck out then yes consequences. But punishing a child because of something he didn't do, because of something his friends and acquaintances did is ridiculous.

Original poster

WilkosWanderer · 21/09/2019 09:56

@MarigoldGlove She wasn't sure at all what to due as this is a first time thing for her, she was unsure if she should punish as he may have known if they would be doing something to get in trouble with the police.

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ShippingNews · 21/09/2019 09:59

That would be a great way for her to alienate her son. Punish him for something that some other kids did ? Ridiculous.

ThePhoenixRises · 21/09/2019 10:01

You can't punish a child for something they have not actually done

ILiveInSalemsLot · 21/09/2019 10:02

Don’t punish him for that! He’ll make sure he hides things like that better next time.

She should have a chat with him instead and explain why she would have concerns about this kind of things.
Engage him, ask him what he thinks and don’t lecture.

SRK16 · 21/09/2019 10:02

How could he know what was going to happen in the future! 🙄

ChickenyChick · 21/09/2019 10:05

Why punish? He wanted to go to a party that sounded fun.

Not a crime.

Yeah, these kind of parties are common now, they happen in our local park. And 13-15 year olds drink, smoke weed and some have sex in the bushes.... I was when my kids hit 13, and I found out this happens.

But I am a fuddyduddy!

joblotbubble · 21/09/2019 10:08

Surely between the 2 of you it's obvious the child didn't do anything wrong

Some parents are batshit. I suspect your friend is one of them.

MarigoldGlove · 21/09/2019 11:47

Punish him because he ‘may have known’? He may not have known and he didn’t even go!

Your friend is being completely ridiculous.

Original poster

WilkosWanderer · 21/09/2019 11:54

Alright, thanks for all your responses, I was on the fence with what was appropriate as a 'consequence' (by meaning what should happen later) as I'm not at the DC age for this to be happening, she has been lurking and she's going to act with what all have you have inputted, thanks again for helping her not be so 'bat-shit' as one poster put it

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TrainspottingWelsh · 21/09/2019 14:35

If her suspicions were originally aroused by the fact it ended at 11 and she banned him from going simply on that basis, then I’d strongly advise she does some general research into parenting teens. Being ott strict and out of touch may work on a 13yr old but she’s going to run into difficulties using the same tactics in a few years.

IckleGirles · 22/09/2019 12:19

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Krisskrosskiss · 22/09/2019 12:24

He doesnt need to be punished because he didnt actually end up doing anything wrong...butni think she needs to sit and have a serious chat with him about the dangers of him lying about where he goes... she needs to point t out how badly that could have gone for him because she would not have been able to help him if something bad had happened which it very may well have done in a field full of unsupervised teenagers all older than him! She would not have even known where he was to look for him if he didnt return home. He needs to be made to think about all this. But she do3snt need to come down heavily on him because he didnt actually end up going and you dont want to alienate him or make him engage in a me versus my mum attitude. He just needs to understand how much danger he could have put himself in if he had gone ahead with his plan.

Shockers · 22/09/2019 12:25

joblotbubble · 22/09/2019 12:28

@IckleGirles

Sounds like the girls probably need to be brain-washed and circumcised so that they don';t have the urge to put filth into their bodies and let boys use their vaginas for sex

WTAF

Pinkbonbon · 22/09/2019 12:30

Pft think I would have just dropped him off at the party and then stayed as well to embarrass him lol ..but also to enjoy the party xD

MollyButton · 22/09/2019 12:32

I think your friend would do well to find a "Parenting Teenagers" course and maybe read a few books (this one is quite good)
Being too heavy handed at this age is more likely to create trouble, especially sneaky teens.

IckleGirles · 22/09/2019 12:35

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joblotbubble · 22/09/2019 12:38

@IckleGirles

I meant WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK are you talking about.

IckleGirles · 22/09/2019 12:42

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Original poster

WilkosWanderer · 22/09/2019 21:16

Hi op here what was she saying? Didn't realise more people came on.

OP posts:

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