Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What punishment do I give for this behaviour?

67 replies

greyy · 13/09/2019 20:06

On my way home from work this evening and I got a phone call from dd 19 distraught. She's gotten back from dog walk to find her bedroom wrecked. Ds15 has gone into her room while she was walking dog, and destroyed so many of her belongings. He's smashed the collection of snow globes she's collected since she was 6 from different countries, smashed all her perfumes, ripped up her certificates for her GCSEs and a levels, ripped some of her books and chucked anything and everything in her room to the floor. She told me he did this in retaliation to a massive argument they had prior to her walk.

I'm so shocked and angry over his behaviour. I've taken his phone and Xbox away and told him to stay in his room. I don't even know where to begin with his punishment. He's usually a good kid, never done something like this before.

I don't know what would be a reasonable and justifiable punishment for this. Yet to tell dh as he's away with work, but I know he'll go mad.

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:09

What was the argument about?
Is that totally out of character or has he been destructive before?

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/09/2019 20:10

Why did he do it?

EeenyMeeny · 13/09/2019 20:11

He needs to save money/make money to pay sister to buy replacements.

ladybee28 · 13/09/2019 20:11

Talk to him.

If he's never done something like this before and he's usually a good kid, there's something up.

Find out what it is. And then – depends on your son, but with my DSS I'd be asking him what he thinks a fair punishment / consequence is for what he'd done, and going from there.

ArsenicChip · 13/09/2019 20:12

He needs to pay to replace her certificates as an absolute minimum. They are expensive and a hassle to replace!

Original poster

greyy · 13/09/2019 20:12

@SpinneyHill completely out of character. It was over the dog walk, was dd's turn but asked him to do it as she's injured her foot, to which she made a remark and then it escalated to a full blown insult throwing argument.

OP posts:

EeenyMeeny · 13/09/2019 20:15

Absolutely over the top reaction - not in proportion to the argument at all! Not that this type of response is ever really acceptable.

Talk to him to find out what sent him to 100 so quick.

AwdBovril · 13/09/2019 20:16

Definitely agree he needs to pay for replacement certificates, also any other specific items that have been ruined, e.g. makeup, perfume (maybe not all of the toiletries, but certainly a reasonable number, & certainly any that were fairly new or full). Also the rental of a carpet cleaner if necessary.

BelleSausage · 13/09/2019 20:16

I would guess this is a testosterone rage. Boys do get them at this age.

Ask him to pay towards replacing the objects. Make him go through the painful process of picking up after his own mess. Have him e-mail DD school to get replacement certificate. Make him track down replacement snow globes.

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:18

I would tell him he is responsible for getting replacement GCSE/A level certs so he understands why we don't rip up documents(it's a ballache and costs).
The snow globes is very deliberate, if they were ceramics I would sit him at a table and make him glue them back together but they're not and if you destroy something he cares for it's not teaching him anything.

He owes your daughter so make sure any punishment focuses on him making amends to her not just punitive 'you angered me so I'm taking this thing to hurt/deprive/punish you' but "you need to reimburse/replace/make it up to your sister"

Sit him down and make it very clear if he destroys another persons property again he will be speaking to police. Your DD is old enough she could ring them herself make sure he understands this is not the same as smashing his own stuff it is criminal damage

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:21

You need to find out whats behind it. If this is just indignant rage or if there's something else going on in his life.

Don't be too sympathetic.
If he was expecting driving lessons or help towards them. Tough shit.
Sell the console

minababelina · 13/09/2019 20:22

If it’s really out of character, I’d at least suspect they could be lying and there could be more to it. It would be good to talk to them separately. Good luck!

saltpath · 13/09/2019 20:23

I think punishment should be pending, (but never in doubt). The priority should be sitting down with him and hearing why he did this. This behaviour is extreme and I would be very concerned for his mental well-being and presence of mind especially if it's out of character. It looks like a massive cry for help. That doesn't mean it's acceptable, of course not. But he sounded extremely angry and you need to find out what he was thinking / feeling. Of course he needs proper punishment and suitable consequences but not as a replacement for listening to him.

GemmeFatale · 13/09/2019 20:33

I’m a big believer in natural consequences.

Your daughter can decide if she wants him to clean up the mess or pay a professional if he can’t be trusted to do the job.

And of course. Now you know he can’t be trusted to behave like an almost adult when he’s left alone. So now he doesn’t get to be left alone. No house key. A babysitter if you want to go out for the night. Etc.

iMatter · 13/09/2019 20:36

Your poor dd

I'd be absolutely raging (not helpful I know)

Was there more to this than they told you? It seems like a massive over reaction on the part of your ds. Is he ok at school? Anything troubling him there?

Every sympathy OP.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 13/09/2019 20:40

Don’t they have to resolve this themselves.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 20:41

Fucking hell, that's kind of evil :(

I'm a big believer in adult-world consequences. WHat happens if an adult were to do that to another adult? Kind of complex, but,something like small claims court, etc. Teen-related equivilent - replace everything he's destroyed as he is able. Monetary compensation, for stress caused, etc.

For me that means he needs to replace the items he destroyed. So selling his stuff/no pocket money/Xmas gifts/birthday gifts until the items are replaced. If the toiletries weren’t full/new that’s really his problem as he destroyed the evidence they were part used. He will need to source replacements unless DD wants to do it (so ring the school, admit his tantrum, ask for the process to replace certificates). The snow globes are harder as they will have memories attached to that one and somehow one just like it isn’t the same. Again he will need to figure that out. Your daughter can decide if she wants him to clean up the mess or pay a professional if he can’t be trusted to do the job. And of course. Now you know he can’t be trusted to behave like an almost adult when he’s left alone. So now he doesn’t get to be left alone. No house key. A babysitter if you want to go out for the night. Etc

^^This also. Many times over. It;s our duty to teach them what real-world consequences would be.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 20:43

Knowing me though, in my fury, I would take literallt everything off the little fucker. The door to his room. Everything in his room. Leave him with one set of pants, socks etc. No money. No wifi password. So much more...I would go apeshit.

DriftingLeaves · 13/09/2019 20:45

What a shit he is. Grounded and all the possessions he values sold.

Your poor DD.

I'd find it hard to get past such deliberate evil behaviour.

Horehound · 13/09/2019 20:51

I would break some prized possesion of his. I'd make him organise and pay for new certificates. Hed be grounded for 2 weeks. An apology to your dd. And something else to make up for her broken snow globes.
What an utterly horrible thing to do.

pumkinspicetime · 13/09/2019 20:54

I agree that there needs to be two parts to this.
Firstly try and establish why he had such an extreme reaction.

Then the natural consequences part.

Make him pay for the replacement certificates.
Make him find and buy on eBay replacement or similar snow globes.
Make him tidy up his sisters bedroom.
Buy new perfumes and books.

He isn't going to have any money for a while. Explain birthday and Christmas money for him will be spent of replacing this stuff if needed.
I doubt he has any idea how expensive the damage he has caused is.

puppymouse · 13/09/2019 20:54

No help here but wow. That's so wicked. Your poor DD.

Surely he's got something going on to push him over the edge like this - that level of destruction isn't normal. I don't think I'd forgive that if I was her.

I'd be inclined to find him some local volunteering to do on top of the "punishment" so he can get some perspective. And maybe some family counselling depending on your discussion with him so you can get some help regrouping so they don't resent each other.

Ferretyone · 13/09/2019 20:57

Please do not do anything in anger. At 15 there really is nothing that you can do without consent. "Ground him" - how? - for example.

Please do not break/steal/sell anything of his which simply takes you to his level

Possibly seek advice from school.

@greyy

Papergirl1968 · 13/09/2019 21:06

Definitely replacing the perfume, books and certificates, and cleaning up the mess.
I’m not sure about the snow globes. As pp have said, replacements won’t mean the same.
This was a very spiteful act. It reminds me of the thread posted a few days ago which caused uproar, about the cat-sitting MIL who decluttered ie threw away her DIL’s belongings including irreplaceable things like letters and photos - it was personal and designed to hurt.

MrsMozartMkII · 13/09/2019 21:08

Bloody hell. That's one hell of a temper tantrum.

Is there anything else going on, any back story as to why he would do that?

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.