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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What punishment do I give for this behaviour?

67 replies

greyy · 13/09/2019 20:06

On my way home from work this evening and I got a phone call from dd 19 distraught. She's gotten back from dog walk to find her bedroom wrecked. Ds15 has gone into her room while she was walking dog, and destroyed so many of her belongings. He's smashed the collection of snow globes she's collected since she was 6 from different countries, smashed all her perfumes, ripped up her certificates for her GCSEs and a levels, ripped some of her books and chucked anything and everything in her room to the floor. She told me he did this in retaliation to a massive argument they had prior to her walk.

I'm so shocked and angry over his behaviour. I've taken his phone and Xbox away and told him to stay in his room. I don't even know where to begin with his punishment. He's usually a good kid, never done something like this before.

I don't know what would be a reasonable and justifiable punishment for this. Yet to tell dh as he's away with work, but I know he'll go mad.

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 13/09/2019 21:17

I agree with gemme. But, I would want to find out if anything else had happened. Not just with dd but something else going on. Of course even if he was being bullied at school and dd wound him up, it wouldn’t be an excuse but I wouldn’t be as severe if there were mitigating circumstances.

Ifeelinclined · 13/09/2019 21:24

Oh, your poor daughter. I am so glad that you are taking it so seriously. My older sister did things like this to me as a child and teenager, and my parents really didn't deal with it. I had to get a deadbolt lock on my door. In our case, she does and did have mental health issues that have not been addressed. But it was devastating to me when she stole or destroyed my prized possessions. Thank you for taking this so seriously. I know your daughter must feel so violated.

Oblomov19 · 13/09/2019 21:29

Some of this is irreplaceable. And that is seriously evil of ds.
That is really not ok.

C0untDucku1a · 13/09/2019 21:31

How awful for your daughter. I agree with natural consequences.

toadabode · 13/09/2019 21:37

I would suggest

  • speak to him and reflect on the incident together - it may be worth making a written note of any learning points for him to be able to look at again once the dust has settled
  • ensure he helps source replacement certificates (and pays for them) as well as purchasing new perfume etc
  • ask him what he feels a reasonable consequence to his actions would be
  • support him to formulate a plan to make amends with his sister

Good luck

Herocomplex · 13/09/2019 21:38

When you’ve dealt with it, however you decide, please seek help for him to deal with his temper/anger issue. He can learn methods of self-control.

Is he contrite? Is the issue between them resolved?

mcmen05 · 13/09/2019 21:39

You really need to ask him what she said as it must have been something really hurtful for him to react like that if it is out of character for him.
I know that it does not give him a right to thrash her room but maybe she said something hurtful to him to make him react like this.
Ornaments and certificates can be replaced but his mental health may be damaged by what she has said.
This may not be as easy mended.
There is always 2 sides to a dtory

campion · 13/09/2019 21:47

I guess your dd pressed more buttons than she's letting on. They had a 'massive argument'. I'd start with that and find out what exactly did happen.
Fifteen and raging hormones plus the end of a school week - maybe he was already upset about something? Sounds a bit like this was one incident too many at that moment.

Obviously it's not acceptable and he needs to help sort the damage but I wouldn't necessarily be piling all the blame on him just yet. How do they normally get on?
It's tempting to go in all guns blazing but I think I'd be more concerned about why he did it if it's so out of character.

PamEars · 13/09/2019 22:39

please seek help for him to deal with his temper/anger issue. He can learn methods of self-control
I agree. Otherwise he could do the same to a future partner after an argument

ellzebellze · 13/09/2019 22:59

He doesn't need 'help' he needs the bollocking of a lifetime.

Might I suggest you contact your local PCSO and ask them to come round and read him the riot act. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is to never, ever do anything like that again.

That behaviour is disgraceful and appalling. Your poor dd.

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 01:05

I have to be honest, if this had been my brother then I would never forgive him. I am also a bit uncomfortable with the, well she may have pushed him into it with something she said. This level of violent destruction is not an acceptable reaction whatever she said. My father got angry and smashed up the house sometimes, there is no excuse for it.

I do agree with sitting down and making it clear this is absolutely unacceptable and nothing she said excuses his behavior. He needs to source and pay for replacements at the very least and accept his relationship with her may be seriously damaged and he also needs to work on repairing that. He may also potentially need counselling or something similar to help him deal with his anger long term.

I came from a house where there was always an excuse for this sort of thing. When my father smashed up my room the first thing my mother said was, what did you say to him? This is where my response comes from. I understand your son is not an adult, but I am almost 40 now and I still remember how utterly devastated I was when I saw all the things I loved destroyed simply because the person doing it knew it would hurt me

DriftingLeaves · 14/09/2019 01:21

I agree with barbed. Not comfortable with the victim blaming.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/09/2019 01:42

One I wouldn't keep it from your husband in the long run that will just make it worse plus why shouldn't dd get to talk to her father about something that probably has broken her heart why should that be taken away from her because of ds and his actions and worried about how mad he may be
Two he needs to have a very long chat with you or maybe his dad and you togeather about why he behaved this way
Three you need to tell him how disappointed in him you are for the way he behaved
Four he needs too apologise sincerely and meaningful to his sister for what he has done to her belongings and for how much he's hurt her
Five you make sure he never gets something of his own back he took a lot from his sister and he needs to fully know exactly what he did to her nip it in the bud before he's even gets the chance to think about repeating that behaviour
Six another option you could do if five dosent appeal is save up to replace all dd has lost at ds's expense (no money after school etc)
Seven you keep an extra eye on him inside and outside of the house for this type of behaviour again
Eight you also have a chat with dd about how this has all effected her and make sure she knows he is punished for it and it isn't ok with you that he has done this to her

MonChatEstMagnifique · 14/09/2019 01:43

Blimey. I'd be really shocked if this was my son as it would be completely out of character as you have said it is for your son. I'd have to think very carefully about how to deal with it.

Is your son sorry and ashamed now ? Or is he glad he did it?

If your daughter is calm, I would speak to her and involve her, ask her what she would like done such as an apology, making him replace items etc. Obviously the final decision is yours but I think it's important that she feels you have listened to how this has made her feel and how you can get past this. Its a really horrible thing that he has done but I wouldn't want my children's relationship permanently damaged by it. I would also make him listen to how it's made your daughter feel and want to see genuine remorse.

0DimSumMum0 · 14/09/2019 02:04

Wow! That is quite shocking. I am in agreement with the previous posters who say that there must be something else going on if it's so out of character. I know hormones play a big part, I have a 15 year old at the moment and it is truly awful. Maybe the build up of pressure because it is a big GCSE year? A bit of jealousy maybe towards your daughter? I'd be coming down extremely hard on him.

Herocomplex · 14/09/2019 07:58

Given that he targeted her certificates I wonder if she said something related to his ability/future?

FamilyOfAliens · 14/09/2019 08:05

Given that he targeted her certificates I wonder if she said something related to his ability/future?

Again with the victim blaming.

Jesus.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/09/2019 08:07

It's really no excuse, as what he has done is bloody awful and actually quite scary …. but I bet the argument was about so much more than dog walking. Teen siblings can be really foul to each other, and know which buttons to press, you need to find exactly what has been said.

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2019 08:10

Gosh why do people trip over themselves excusing male violence? It is awful to see.

He pays and replaces everything and goes to some form of anger management. You tell him how appalled you are. Do not make excuses for this.

JetPlanesMeeting · 14/09/2019 08:11

I hope you have taken photos so there is no minimising of this event at a later date.

This wasn't a one off angry throwing of one item it was a systematic destruction of everything she loved. Think how long it would take you to do that, watching things get smashed and keep going, and keep going. It is criminal damage.

The consequences would be that he has things he cherishes removed for a period of time, but mainly that he is responsible for replacing everything, if he doesn't have the money then he lays out what he needs to sell to make the money. He needs to feel the consequences. Imagine if he did that in a classroom at school.

FamilyOfAliens · 14/09/2019 08:11

bigsandy

So are you saying there may be some words she said that could have justified him deliberately destroying so many of her precious and valued possessions?

I do wonder what those words could possibly have been to justify that act.

Herocomplex · 14/09/2019 08:22

No FamilyofAliens my first comment earlier in the thread was that he should be punished and his anger issue dealt with. If they were my children I would also seek to understand exactly what is happening between them in their relationship that one of them would do something so appallingly destructive to the other. Violence is never the answer. The OP said this was out of character. Something’s happened.

Mummyshark2018 · 14/09/2019 09:01

This is horrible for your dd. Does you ds usually disrespect property?

Your ds completely over reacted regardless of what the argument was over. As a consequence I would take any money that he has in savings etc and put it towards replacing goods. If he doesn't have money then I would be asking him to get a part time job or do extra chores to earn money.

I would also speak to his form tutor and see how things are in school. Are there counselling services/ anger management sessions in school he could access? If he demonstrated that level of rage on a member of the general public he would be in big trouble.

choli · 14/09/2019 13:42

I would guess this is a testosterone rage. Boys do get them at this age.
Jesus. I don't have enough eyes to roll at this. Angry

saltpath · 14/09/2019 15:50

I'm shocked at posters saying the op should stoop to his level by breaking a possession if his. What awful, damaging parenting!!! The op is the ADULT here and he is the CHILD.

He of course needs proper consequences and punishment but you also need to hear his thoughts about what went on OP. It sounds very unstable and I'd be worried about his mental health / wellbeing. As well as punishment he may need a way to release the anger he's bottling up.

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