What punishment do I give for this behaviour?

[greyy]

On my way home from work this evening and I got a phone call from dd 19 distraught. She's gotten back from dog walk to find her bedroom wrecked. Ds15 has gone into her room while she was walking dog, and destroyed so many of her belongings. He's smashed the collection of snow globes she's collected since she was 6 from different countries, smashed all her perfumes, ripped up her certificates for her GCSEs and a levels, ripped some of her books and chucked anything and everything in her room to the floor. She told me he did this in retaliation to a massive argument they had prior to her walk.

I'm so shocked and angry over his behaviour. I've taken his phone and Xbox away and told him to stay in his room. I don't even know where to begin with his punishment. He's usually a good kid, never done something like this before.

I don't know what would be a reasonable and justifiable punishment for this. Yet to tell dh as he's away with work, but I know he'll go mad.

As well as punishment he may need a way to release the anger he's bottling up.

I disagree. I think he needs help to understand that anger is rarely the correct response to anything and that if he doesn’t learn to recognise and control his emotions, life is going to become very difficult for him in a couple of years.

As an adult who was subjected to a younger brother who behaved like this.... without parents who expected accountability or remorse, I grew to have serious boundary and trust issues. I would recommend counselling for your son. This is a really bad sign. Has he hurt animals or insects at all? Lashing out to cause physical or emotional pain on that scale is so focused, so cruel and so violent. I would be very concerned about his mental health at the moment. (My brother is now 43 and as he was never given boundaries by my parents, he has been unable to operate in the real world. He has basically fried his brain taking drugs and is now in and out of mental hospitals and has never attempted employment. He is an extreme case, but your son’s behaviour is NOT simply teenage hormonal rage, either.) NOT negating his need to become accountable for the costs for replacing every single replaceable item - new and authentic - not cheap, Amazon knockoffs, starting in the order of preference set by your daughter. I imagine that your daughter feels very violated and will need immediate reassurance that you are not going to minimize this, and she is going to be safe in her home. I do hope that she feels this way.

I think anger can be a perfectly acceptable response to some situations, healthy in fact. But it is important to learn how to channel and dissipate that anger in a way that doesn't harm yourself or others.

OP. Your DS has got issues. He needs checking out.
Is he smoking weed for example?
What is the family dynamics normally.
There's more to it.

Sorry posted to quickly.
I don't think a punishment is the answer yet.
You need to find out why.
A 3 way conversation maybe.
It's totally out of order for sure and absolutely unacceptable.

Agree with the rest: mending and post-mortem. It should be very consequence- related, not a ‘punishment’. Without taking the thread of course, what would anyone suggest to help with anger management? I have a younger teen with destructive rages, though he has not done anything like this.

My brother was like this when we were teens. He’s a year older than me and used to trash my room if I was say on the family PC and he wanted to use it and I would get off. He did it on several occasions.

My parents NEVER punished him for it. I felt totally betrayed by them. There was no deeper reason behind it for him, he was just being an arse hole! He knew that’s what would hurt me the most and he did it just to be nasty! I think actually he hated me because I became friends with the girl he fancied and she started hanging around with me instead.

He grew into a perfectly well adjusted adult, no real worrying personality traits as many posters are suggesting. Just a bit of a knob who thinks he’s cleverer than everyone else and looks down on most people. We do get on ok now though. He has no mental health issues.

I would punish the he’ll out of him! Sell all of his valuable possessions to replace what he broke of his sisters. Also as the argument started over the dog walk. It is now his turn to walk the dog indefinitely. Grounding for at least a month would also seem appropriate. He needs to learn he cannot treat his sister this way.

@Ithinkmycatisevil I wonder how your brother is with his partners? He is probably the type to do the nasty, subtle abuse.

@fairiesontheswing

Him and his wife seem happy enough together. Granted he can’t be the easiest person to live with as he always thinks he’s right, but I don’t think there’s any abuse. She’s quite a happy go lucky person who takes his ways with a pinch of salt, rolls her eyes and cries on with what she was doing. I always say she’s a special type of person to put up with him. He’s also actually grown into a very loving, if slightly domineering father and he thinks the world of his little boy. He won’t take any advice on parenting from me though, as I say he always thinks he’s right, even when he’s clearly not. His wife will though, she’s lovely.

*Carries on.

Do you only have your DDs version of the argument before the dog walk. You need to hear the story from DSs point of view. It wouldnt excuse what he did but may lead you to understand the situation better.

I’m another one who thinks breaking something of his that he values is a hideous way to behave.

His reaction to this event is pivotal as others have asked - if he is honestly and effusively contrite you have fewer problems. What does your daughter think about what happened, and why? And what consequences would she like to see?

I would take ALL of his personal belongings away and sell them and give the money to your daughter.

The snow globes are the saddest part :(

Have you spoken to your DS yet OP?

Make him pay to put the room right. But also find out exactly what triggered this extreme reaction.

Any update, OP? I've been thinking out you and your family.

Your poor DD