DD 14 accessed pornographic fan fiction

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So I'm writing this here as I really don't want to talk about this (yet) to anyone in real life.

I asked my DD (14) if I could borrow her laptop last night and while I had it I quickly browsed her search history. She knows I do this and we agreed on it. I periodically check her laptop and phone (messages/search history) etc. but not often. She and I have a really good relationship and have talked a lot about internet safety, grooming, the dangers of putting pictures or words "out there" permanently. She often initiates these conversations talking about things that have either happened at school or telling me about a presentation they had about it. I think the school has done a fantastic job about educating her year group and she and I have had some really good conversations about drugs/boys etc.

In short she's a really wonderful kid. Works hard at school, doesn't go out much (by her choice) but sees her friends when she wants and seems very settled. She's very close to me (lots of hugs, talks to me a lot about worries, friends etc.) but I'm consciously trying to give her a little more space and trust as she's getting older.

Her search history is 99% what you would hope to find! Funny animal videos, Sims, make-up tips, online shops for clothes etc.

So last night I found in her search history some really explicit fan fiction stories she looked at about 3 weeks ago. They were about as explicit as it gets. I have now blocked the site from her computer.

So I'm just looking for some advice really! I don't want to go in accusing her as I know she's getting older and there's natural curiosity. But equally this stuff was really, really explicit and I am concerned that she was able to access it and how it's made her feel. We have passwords protecting all our movie/netflix accounts and also parental controls on her phone (just for 18+ stuff/adult sites etc.). I don't know how she found it as it was just there, no search through google beforehand or anything. They were about a movie star she likes so perhaps came up through a normal search.

Or should I be a bit more guns blazing?? It is an abuse of the trust we put in her when we gave her the laptop and she accessed more than one page so plenty of time to have stepped back once she knew what it was.

Anyone else dancing through this minefield at the moment? My instinct is to go up with a cup of tea when we're back from school and ask if she accessed the sites and to have a chat about how skanky porn like that isn't really what I would like to be her baseline for future sexual relationships!

I also don't know whether to tell DH. He will be absolutely FURIOUS and immediately confiscate her phone and laptop and be utterly disgusted. I feel like that's not the way to handle this but also don't feel good about keeping stuff from him. He's a bit irrational about tech in general, doesn't like DD even having a phone. I see it that she's an amazing girl who has never been in trouble once in her life. There are no further instances of the site being accessed since that few pages a few weeks ago.

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom? Lord help me.

Massive, massive overreaction imo. I used to read erotica online at that age, teenagers are naturally curious, and I'm sure though you think it's 'explicit' it isn't anything on the hardcore pornograhy a lot of her peers will be watching. As for your prediction of your DHs reaction, I feel very sorry for your daughter. I really don't think shaming her and confiscating her things is going to solve the issue. You can try to talk to her about it in a non confrontational way about unrealistic expectations or whatever, but I doubt she is going to open up to you about it as your attitude seems to be that sexual feelings are wrong and bad.

Completely agree with the above. Massive overreaction. Please don’t embarrass her....

Without wanting it to sound like an echo chamber, it’s a massive overreaction

“Disgusted”?

Erotic fiction, unless involving really dodgy stuff messages about women or whatever, is not the same as porn, which is a damaging industry.

That said, there is some extreme erotic fiction content out there eg rape, incest.

It’s really, really tame compared to what she could be viewing & what her peers are quite possibly viewing, I agree.

I am old now but I used to read explicit fan fiction when I was 14-17. It’s a healthy outlet for sexuality at that age, really. I would have been mortified if my parents had discovered it & mentioned it to me.

Just keep checking. If she knows you check her search history then that’s actually pretty open of her.

I don't think anything good will come from confronting her about it. She's at the age when curiosity creeps in. I know at that age If I came across a site like that I would have carried on reading and probably go back to read more! You are just going to embarrass her and push her away from opening up to you about anything sexual. It sounds like you have a really close relationship. Don't ruin that. Just let it go and let her be a teenager.

You are completely over reacting,don't mention it to her and don't tell her dad. It's completely normal!

Massive overreaction from you! You have a normal teenager!! You and your DH sound a little unhinged if I’m honest! I’d be mortified if you were my parents!

I’m an avid fanfic reader and most of the fics with the best plots, character development and grammar tend to be M rated (Mature content). The ‘big’ authors that people actively follow will only write for that rating as it gets the most hits and they are aiming to publish.

The Netflix film After that’s all the rage at the moment was based on a One Direction fanfic. She pulled it from the site when she picked up a publisher. Similar to how Fifty Shades started.

There are normally warning at the top of chapter contains “lemons” or explicit sex scenes. So you can skip them. I know plenty of adults who skip these to carry on with the story arc.

Personally, at that age I remember finding my DM’s Mills and Boon collection and reading passages. I can understand that some of the writing may be more explicit than erotica books on the market.

If she knows you check her browsing history it could be worth mentioning that you noticed she’s reading online and start a discussion about the site. Wikipedia has a page on fanfiction ratings and terms so that could be a good place to start. Honestly, when I first started reading Fanfics it took me forever to figure out how to navigate around and find things I’d be interested in reading.

Also Fanfiction.net doesn’t have any age limitations, it relies on people searching under the content ratings and explicit writing is not permitted but the site is so big they rarely police it. STARS library site does have a click box for 18 and over but you literally just click it and it lets you through .

I hope that helps with a bit of context. Feel free to ask if you have any questions.

It sounds like she stumbled across it by accident and then clicked through a couple of times. You can't know how she felt, for all you know she may have been disgusted too.

To echo everyone else, you sound like you have a really good relationship. What is it that you'd accuse her of? To echo everyone else, her behaviour sounds really normal.

You need to loosen the reins a little now she is older. Please dont mention it to her. She will know you've seen it as you have blocked the site, dont embarrass her further.

Yep, massive, massive overreaction. Please don’t mention it to the poor girl - you could give her an awful complex. You can’t deny biology and at 14 she’s absolutely bound to be curious - just be thankful she’s exploring via the medium of fanfic (no matter how graphic) rather than hardcore porn. You’ve got it lucky. I think you’re even being unreasonable to block the site at all to be honest.

When you say explicit, what do you mean? Using Jilly Cooper as a bench mark?

Oh, and whatever else you do, don’t tell her dad.

Agree with all the above; when we first got internet when I was a teenager, I went through a phase of reading erotica online. It was sexy, and it was a safe way to explore those feelings. It doesn’t compare in any way to porn, in which actual women are being sexually exploited for money. Please don’t say anything to her, she’d be mortified and she hasn’t done anything wrong.

How old are you OP? I grew up with the internet and this kind of fanfic was perfectly normal. There’s no need to get ‘furious’ about a teenager who is exploring her sexuality. If you are concerned about the nature of the content (beyond it being sexual, maybe it objectifies women or promotes and unhealthy and unrealistic image of sex) then you should have a talk to her about porn v real life sex and maybe find her some resources that are a better way to explore sex.

Thanks for your responses.

I can't even be bothered to go into detail about how wrong you are Rushian about my attitude that sexual feelings are "wrong and bad". I have been very open with my DD about how feelings she may be having towards boys or girls at this age are all totally normal and all part of growing up, including sexual feelings. I'm very relaxed chatting about that stuff and we have had a good giggle at times.

I am not unhinged in any way. I was a bit shocked and just wanting to make sure I get the balance right between giving her some privacy and steering her away from stuff that may be really not nice like the incest/rape stuff which IS on that site.

She is my oldest, I haven't been through this before and it was a bit of a surprise to find her reading materials of choice have changed slightly!

I came on here trying to gauge what's normal for 14 year old girls and how best to tread through it, whether that be to ignore and let her carry on or whether to chat to her. Seems like the consensus is that it's ok and I can just let her carry on pottering around that stuff. I like the idea that it's a "healthy outlet for sexuality" OccasionalNachos

My DH wouldn't understand and would have a knee-jerk reaction. I think I'll just step away warily and keep an eye on it!
Thanks so much for the guidance Flamingo84

Also, unless your husband is among the 0.0000001% of men who has never accessed porn, he would be a massive hypocrite to react in the way you’re predicting. Had he no interest in sex as a 14yo boy, I wonder?

I was writing erotica at 14

Unless she has history of looking for inappropriate material, I wouldn't assume the worst.

You don't know how long she was on the page. She might have read it all or closed the window as soon as she got to the first pornographic bit. Somebody might have sent her the link or it might have been linked on an innocent page.

I wouldn't tell her Dad about this. If she actively looked for this then it's akin to your h announcing your sexual tastes to her. It's private and blocking the page should be enough.

Personally I think that you're "lucky" that she's not private browsing so you can see what she's looking at.

I wouldn’t say anything to her unless there was something extremely damaging on there, such as rape. Even if that was the case I think I’d be more inclined to sneakily bring up a conversation about how you’re always there for her if she has any questions or is uncomfortable about anything

I was probably writing terrible erotic fanfic at that age. (Not to mention pilfering my mother's romance novels.) It's a safe and normal way for a teen girl to explore her sexuality a bit.

Don't say or do anything. She's allowed to have some privacy.

My DH loves his girls, I think he's just struggling to accept that they are growing up. He is friends with a guy whose son was groomed and murdered so reactions are not entirely rational. I'm definitely not going to mention it to him.

Thanks for the perspective. I've unblocked the site and will just keep an eye on it. No need to be quite so nasty about it some of you.

Honestly, my response is So what?

She's not accessing anything which causes harm to anyone, like porn often causes serious harm to women.

She's 14. She's at the age where she will be exploring that stuff, and doing it by reading erotic fanfiction really isn't dangerous. It might be worth asking her if she wants to talk about anything she's seen in it like fetish stuff or sub/dom. But if it's vanilla sex which has just been very explicitly explained then it's nothing she won't have learned in sex ed classes. It's just a more fun description.

Erotica is a legitimate genre. She's old enough to start being interested. You should always be open with her and talk about those things, but don't punish her or block the site or tell her she's wrong for being curious. She's not. She's a teenager and she's curious. Let her read her bloody fanfics.

If it was three weeks ago it sounds as if she found it, may have checked it out, moved on. Once three weeks ago doesn't sound like she's that interested in it.

For what its worth I've started reading more (decided I'd had too much telly) and have read some of whats labelled as young adult fiction aimed at girls. Some of it seems like if it was for boys/men it would be top shelf stuff.