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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 14 accessed pornographic fan fiction

64 replies

ParmaViolet44 · 03/09/2019 14:59

So I'm writing this here as I really don't want to talk about this (yet) to anyone in real life.

I asked my DD (14) if I could borrow her laptop last night and while I had it I quickly browsed her search history. She knows I do this and we agreed on it. I periodically check her laptop and phone (messages/search history) etc. but not often. She and I have a really good relationship and have talked a lot about internet safety, grooming, the dangers of putting pictures or words "out there" permanently. She often initiates these conversations talking about things that have either happened at school or telling me about a presentation they had about it. I think the school has done a fantastic job about educating her year group and she and I have had some really good conversations about drugs/boys etc.

In short she's a really wonderful kid. Works hard at school, doesn't go out much (by her choice) but sees her friends when she wants and seems very settled. She's very close to me (lots of hugs, talks to me a lot about worries, friends etc.) but I'm consciously trying to give her a little more space and trust as she's getting older.

Her search history is 99% what you would hope to find! Funny animal videos, Sims, make-up tips, online shops for clothes etc.

So last night I found in her search history some really explicit fan fiction stories she looked at about 3 weeks ago. They were about as explicit as it gets.Sad I have now blocked the site from her computer.

So I'm just looking for some advice really! I don't want to go in accusing her as I know she's getting older and there's natural curiosity. But equally this stuff was really, really explicit and I am concerned that she was able to access it and how it's made her feel. We have passwords protecting all our movie/netflix accounts and also parental controls on her phone (just for 18+ stuff/adult sites etc.). I don't know how she found it as it was just there, no search through google beforehand or anything. They were about a movie star she likes so perhaps came up through a normal search.

Or should I be a bit more guns blazing?? It is an abuse of the trust we put in her when we gave her the laptop and she accessed more than one page so plenty of time to have stepped back once she knew what it was.

Anyone else dancing through this minefield at the moment? My instinct is to go up with a cup of tea when we're back from school and ask if she accessed the sites and to have a chat about how skanky porn like that isn't really what I would like to be her baseline for future sexual relationships!

I also don't know whether to tell DH. He will be absolutely FURIOUS and immediately confiscate her phone and laptop and be utterly disgusted. I feel like that's not the way to handle this but also don't feel good about keeping stuff from him. He's a bit irrational about tech in general, doesn't like DD even having a phone. I see it that she's an amazing girl who has never been in trouble once in her life. There are no further instances of the site being accessed since that few pages a few weeks ago.

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom? Lord help me.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 03/09/2019 15:50

Everyone's assuming that OP is overreacting, but only OP read the fanfic! If it was BDSM, fetish, or abusive, then she's not overreacting.

What we read/see/experience at this age affects how we develop sexually. I really wish I hadn't been exposed to some stuff- it's messed me up a bit.

BeanBag7 · 03/09/2019 15:52

I used to read erotica on fanfiction.net and AO3 when I was a teenager (still do sometimes tbh) and it isn't really comparable to porn. Usually it is fairly vanilla sex scenes between two consenting people (unlike video porn which can be VERY hardcore/deviant/violent/exploitative) and it forms part of a story rather than just sex for the sake of it.
The most important difference is that no real people were exploited or harmed in the making of it.

MaggietheHorseThief · 03/09/2019 16:30

Tbh, I've been reading incredibly explicit fan fiction since I was that age and I turned out fine.

It's different from porn imo - nobody is exploited in the making of it, and it tends to be a lot less dehumanising (because it involves a lot more character building, there is usually some semblance of a plot etc).

She also appears to have only accessed it once, suggesting that she was curious but is appropriately self-policing.

My view would be to leave it. Keep on with all the usual parental lessons about safe sex, healthy relationships and consent, but don't come down on her for this when I honestly don't think she has done anything wrong or harmful.

I certainly don't think you should tell your husband if he will be disgusted. That's not a safe or heathy reaction, and it's not fair for you to expose your daughter to it when your husband is the one with the issue.

OccasionalNachos · 03/09/2019 16:41

@CmdrCressidaDuck my cringeworthy stories are still on ff.n 20 years later, I cannot bring myself to read them Blush

OP, it must be so difficult to navigate teenagers maturing & growing up but it does sound like you have a good relationship & allow her plenty of freedom whilst still keeping an eye. Erotic fiction, whether it’s online or Jilly Cooper, Mills & Boon or whatever is much safer than explicit selfies on snapchat or Instagram, which many girls of that age also do (& I probably would have done if it existed when I were a lass). You can only do your best to keep your DD safe but it sounds like you’re doing great.

Skittlenommer · 03/09/2019 17:37

Everyone's assuming that OP is overreacting, but only OP read the fanfic! If it was BDSM, fetish, or abusive, then she's not overreacting

BDSM and fetish does not go hand in hand with abusive. The moto is Safe, Sane and Consensual.

SimonJT · 03/09/2019 17:42

She can’t be a huge reader if the last visit to the site was a few weeks ago?

Lots of people read erotic literature/fanfic, I have read a few, but only because my then partner was the ‘star’ in some so it wad quite funny.

M0reGinPlease · 03/09/2019 17:47

I think as an isolated incident I'd ignore it- as a PP has said, you have now idea whether she was on the site for twenty minutes or twenty seconds. Also, what even is the site? Is it fan fiction and there is some erotic stuff on the or just purely an erotic fiction site? Either way, she could have opened it in error or not at all

I'd be more inclined to chat to her about coming to you if she ever sees or reads anything on the internet that upsets her or makes her feel bad. Knowing the channels of communication are open is probably enough at this stage rather than address is directly.

PrincessandthePeach · 03/09/2019 17:49

It's not a big deal. Most people I know read these sort of things at that age. I surely did!!

HeadfirstForHalos · 03/09/2019 17:54

I also think you're overreacting. At 14 girls are definitely starting to think about sex, it's perfectly normal and I don't think fanfic is that bad. I'd not say anything, she'd be mortified.

FenellaMaxwell · 03/09/2019 18:00

Christ what an overreaction! We were all handing round Jilly Cooper at school at about 13/14 - it’s so normal!

NeverSayFreelance · 03/09/2019 18:18

My friend WROTE erotic fan fiction at 14. I think you're overreacting.

SuzieQ10 · 03/09/2019 18:33

... I just can't see why you'd make a fuss over this. You have a 14 year old and they are curious about sex. So unless there was something really horrific in the literature, leave well alone.

Flamingo84 · 03/09/2019 18:37

Slightly off topic but is nobody else wondering who @SimonJT was seeing that starred in some fanfic??! Grin

Dyrne · 03/09/2019 19:00

Another one saying I was reading some pretty explicit Aragorn/Boromir and Remus/Sirius Slash Fic at that age. I turned out OK! I was a pretty reserved, shy teenager and didn’t start really experimenting with boys until Uni, if that makes you feel any better.

What fandom is she in, OP? If she is reading fanfic she may be engaging in wider fandom via tumblr etc. Most of the communities are absolutely fine but can get a bit toxic sometimes depending on which corner of it you’re involved in. A quick chat about online safety and establishing healthy boundaries might be appropriate?

Croquembou · 03/09/2019 19:11

Slightly off topic but is nobody else wondering who @SimonJT was seeing that starred in some fanfic??!

Hahaha, yes, then I decided Cumberbatch and felt satisfied Grin

Threehoursfromhome · 03/09/2019 19:34

I mean, by that age I'd read explicit incestuous BDSM in Philippa Gregory's stuff ; rape, threesomes and ponyplay in Jilly Cooper's stuff; countless M/M and F/F scenes in Judith Krantz's stuff (thanks to which, I do know what a gloryhole is); interspecies in Jean Auel's stuff; and whatever was going on with that goldfish in Lace.

And all that from my local library.

Is it genuinely more pornographic than the average 80s bonkbuster? Do you planning to check her hard copy books too?

IWantMyHatBack · 03/09/2019 19:38

Could be worse.. My sister wrote stuff like this at that age. Was published and everything 😣

Dyrne · 03/09/2019 19:39

Is it genuinely more pornographic than the average 80s bonkbuster?

Ah, now you clearly weren’t active at the peak of Harry Potter Crackfic in the mid-00s... you haven’t lived until you’ve read a bit of juicy porn between the Ford Anglia and the Whomping Willow...

AE18 · 03/09/2019 19:58

I have to say from your update I still feel very sorry for your daughter that you're planning to "keep an eye" on it.

I used to read stuff like that, the more explicit the better - my hormones were at their peak at that age and I was much more shall we say raunchy then I grew up to be - but it was all in my deepest darkest fantasies and a thousand miles away from my real life. I knew I was too young to do anything, and didn't end up being sexually actively at all until I was 19 and hadn't read anything like that for years.

I can't imagine anything that would have made me more mortified and self conscious than knowing my parents had been checking my internet history and seen this. I used to routinely clean my internet history even if I wasn't doing anything dodgy because privacy was disproportionately important to me at that age.

The internet was where I safely vented my hormonal frustration without the embarrassment that stalked me constantly in real life, it's quite sad to take that privacy away from her.

IWantMyHatBack · 03/09/2019 20:48

"Ah, now you clearly weren’t active at the peak of Harry Potter Crackfic in the mid-00s... you haven’t lived until you’ve read a bit of juicy porn between the Ford Anglia and the Whomping Willow..."

Sounds alarmingly familiar...

applesandacorns · 03/09/2019 22:53

Ha! I read and wrote that kind of stuff (albeit very badly I'm sure...) at that age. I grew up to be perfectly normal. Grin

I recommend not mentioning it and embarrassing her. You'll lose her trust.

Lauren850 · 03/09/2019 23:23

I definitely wouldn't be checking search history. Mine are older (16 and 18) and have had a lot of freedom - online and in real life. I rely on our relationships (including theirs) to keep them safe...yes it's scary and not everything's gone well - but i just can't see that any kind of snooping and spying can ever be good? How this any different to than the horrific violation of mums reading our diaries in my own youth? It just leads to stuff like shame, resentment and a determination to keep things secret in future.

Teddybear45 · 03/09/2019 23:29

For me it would depend on the type of erotic fanfiction. If it was plotty but had a bit of explicit vanilla / unproblematic sex then I wouldn’t find it a big deal at her age because you can often pick up content like that from the library. But a lot of fanfiction sites do contain horrific stuff so you need to exercise your judgement

BlueBirdGreenFence · 03/09/2019 23:39

You sound like a lovely, caring mother OP.

Badcat666 · 03/09/2019 23:48

Blimey, I was reading the raunchy Mills and Boons from the library at that age, loads of "thrusting manhoods" of the "master of the Estate" or "broody cattle farm helper" in those I can tell you!

14 year old girls masturbate dontyouknow Grin

Don't tell her, I remember reading a shag fest book about Henry the 8th that belonged to my mum once (nearly popped my monocle out reading that I can tell you). She knew I'd read it but didn't say anything until I was in my 20s, I would have DIED if she had said something to me about me reading it back then.

I don't know about anyone else but my friends and I read sexee fanfic sometimes and have talked about the need for something to think about when we are having a lady wank rather than trying to rewrite the same old fantasy scenario.