DD 14 accessed pornographic fan fiction

[ParmaViolet44]

So I'm writing this here as I really don't want to talk about this (yet) to anyone in real life.

I asked my DD (14) if I could borrow her laptop last night and while I had it I quickly browsed her search history. She knows I do this and we agreed on it. I periodically check her laptop and phone (messages/search history) etc. but not often. She and I have a really good relationship and have talked a lot about internet safety, grooming, the dangers of putting pictures or words "out there" permanently. She often initiates these conversations talking about things that have either happened at school or telling me about a presentation they had about it. I think the school has done a fantastic job about educating her year group and she and I have had some really good conversations about drugs/boys etc.

In short she's a really wonderful kid. Works hard at school, doesn't go out much (by her choice) but sees her friends when she wants and seems very settled. She's very close to me (lots of hugs, talks to me a lot about worries, friends etc.) but I'm consciously trying to give her a little more space and trust as she's getting older.

Her search history is 99% what you would hope to find! Funny animal videos, Sims, make-up tips, online shops for clothes etc.

So last night I found in her search history some really explicit fan fiction stories she looked at about 3 weeks ago. They were about as explicit as it gets. I have now blocked the site from her computer.

So I'm just looking for some advice really! I don't want to go in accusing her as I know she's getting older and there's natural curiosity. But equally this stuff was really, really explicit and I am concerned that she was able to access it and how it's made her feel. We have passwords protecting all our movie/netflix accounts and also parental controls on her phone (just for 18+ stuff/adult sites etc.). I don't know how she found it as it was just there, no search through google beforehand or anything. They were about a movie star she likes so perhaps came up through a normal search.

Or should I be a bit more guns blazing?? It is an abuse of the trust we put in her when we gave her the laptop and she accessed more than one page so plenty of time to have stepped back once she knew what it was.

Anyone else dancing through this minefield at the moment? My instinct is to go up with a cup of tea when we're back from school and ask if she accessed the sites and to have a chat about how skanky porn like that isn't really what I would like to be her baseline for future sexual relationships!

I also don't know whether to tell DH. He will be absolutely FURIOUS and immediately confiscate her phone and laptop and be utterly disgusted. I feel like that's not the way to handle this but also don't feel good about keeping stuff from him. He's a bit irrational about tech in general, doesn't like DD even having a phone. I see it that she's an amazing girl who has never been in trouble once in her life. There are no further instances of the site being accessed since that few pages a few weeks ago.

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom? Lord help me.

She sounds like a lovely girl

Seriously, if that's all you've had to worry about, thank your lucky stars. I think your husband (and maybe you) would literally have a heart attack if your daughter got up to HALF the stuff my dd and her friends have. And that's just the stuff I know about!

It's good to see you've taken the advice on board and have chilled out.

@Dyrne Christ those fanfics were beyond weird! 😂 so much sex!

Trust me, it gets much, much weirder!

I was also reading Mills and Boon and my mum's Jilly Cooper at that age. In fact I and quite a few others were having sex at that age, so I think a bit of dirty fiction is a much better outlet for the hormones.

You really need to talk to your H about your daughter growing up. He should not be shaming her for something very normal.

er, its not normal - at least in my experience - for 14 year old girls to want to access pornography.

but on Mumsnet you always get loads of these posters ... I lost my virginity at 13 ... I drank like a fish at 15 ... I took loads of drugs at 17 ... none of it did me any harm .... etc. In fact they go so far as to promote it sometimes, and I wonder what kind of people actually post on Mumsnet. Don't assume they are actually mothers OP. I believe some of them have an agenda to normalise the degraded and exploitative experiences of their youth, its a bit sad IMO.

Obviously, no over-reaction, confiscation, etc.

But there is lots of pressure on girls and young women now, lots of emphasis on their sexuality. Its a bit sad they can't be left to have the normal 14 and 15 year old crushes etc (as I see it) without having to be exposed to pornography and sexual "acting out" on line. This is probably the kind of conversation you should be having with your daughter .... about her own values and sense of self. Sorry if what I'm saying is a bit garbled, but (1) please don't panic but (2) a mum should share her values and in doing so protect her teenage children from the onslaught, as I see it, of exploitative and corrupt values.

@Talalala

Would you think it was abnormal for a boy of that age to start to be interested in porn?

One of the hallmarks of corrupt people (include paedophiles) is that what they most want to do is corrupt others.

Worth remembering when dealing with people who are so angry and vocal about being "shamed" (slut-shamed, kink-shamed, yada yada) - it usually means they have no shame actually (which is a normal, healthy, natural and protective human experience!).

Their values can often be placed in the vicinity of the farmyard (less even) - but such propogandists don't want to be prevented from propagandising.

btw, not saying you should 'shame' your DD here.

If it was my daughter, I'd probably let it go, probably not even mention it (I don't know); but I would have a chat to her about sex and how she values herself and her body, so important for a teenage girl in this world.

Best wishes.

That’s really terrible about your DH’s friend’s son.

How “bad” was the story she’d been reading? If it was dodgier than the average 1980s bonkbuster, then you could just keep it blocked.

If she notices that it’s been blocked, then that’s enough to let her know that you don’t approve, without any awkward conversations.

And if she doesn’t notice, then that’s fine too.

Jilly Cooper is a great place to start for teens (at least it was for me). Her books are hilarious and great fun.

Err Talalala U OK hun?

The whole point of fan fiction is that it is fantasy. You read it at your own pace and the stories all involve well known fictional characters. It’s completely harmless as it doesn’t involve real life people at all (unlike video pornography). It’s a safe way of exploring sexuality and working out confusing feelings from exploding hormones.

You also don’t know that it was her, a friend could have shown it to her. Especially as she hasn’t gone back.

Is anything she was reading harmful? That would be my concern. If it was erotic but indenting between adults then she is exploring that part of her sexual development

*consenting

er, its not normal - at least in my experience - for 14 year old girls to want to access pornography

It's normal to have sexual urges and curiosity in this day and age that's obviously going to manifest as looking for pornography.