Friends are all fake

[LatentPhase]

My youngest dd14 was in bits this week, sobbing, overwhelmed by school, doesn’t want to see anyone, says she feels she will fail in life and never be happy (she is being supported by school counsellor).

One of the things she says is friends are all fake nowadays. Am interested in this because my eldest went through a turbulent time at this age too. She also said the same thing, no close friends as everyone is ‘fake’.

In this age of Instagram have we destroyed proper friendships? Is this an underlying theme with the epidemic of poor adolescent mental health? Or is it just my two girls saying this?

I just don’t remember ever feeling that as a child (am old though at 46) was I unusual? Has it always been like this.

Thoughts please.....

I think they are under so much more pressure nowadays with social media. It makes you, even adults, display a persona that is impossible to live up to 24/7. For kids it must be hellish, they don’t know how to form real life relationships with others, how to interact properly, can hide behind the social media veil.

My DD spend far too much time on it, we all do as a family now. I made the point the other day about how lonely I felt because we turn to our phones before we turn to each other. Last night me and the kids watched a movie all the way through with no interruptions and I’d forgotten how nice it was just to do this. Coz it was a dvd, there were no ad breaks, where everyone picks up the phone to check messages until the movie starts again. It’s not normal behaviour. The term ‘social’ media is a misnomer as it’s anything but. I hate it but we are all addicted to it now.

As I’ve said in other posts, 14 is tough age for friendships anyway as teens develop at different rates, you’re a bit ‘stuck’ w a school group. Both my DCs had issues around 13-14 even sociable DS. I don’t think it was an SM thing for him, but he fell out w a long-established friend and it seemed to have implications all round.
I think it’s tough when you see groups going out on SM and you’re not part of it, etc. It was a bit like that too growing up but you could ignore it more. I remember having ‘friend crises’ as a teen for sure, but there’s more SM pressure now.

I recognise so much of this in my own 14 year old dd. Her best friendships have come from out of school friends. Friends made through hobbies, or a course seem to be sturdier. At school there is so much pressure and competition it is hard to discern the real from the fake. She has one ‘true’ out of school friend and then others from her hobbies.
I was the same as a teen (I am in my 40s). It’s a tough age.

What exactly does she mean by friends being "fake"?

I don't see it with ds(15) who has a large group of friends who are boys, within the group there is a bit of drifting who are closer friends with each other, maybe do the occasional thing in smaller groups outside the large group, but no drama about who is "besties" or any major falling outs. There is also very little talking about anyone in the group behind their backs.

On the other hand, the girls sometimes meet up with them and it is drama drama drama. The girls seem to have the same drifting closer to different friends at different times but it is a huge insult if your "bestie" does this and requires the group to split into "sides" and bitch about each other for a week or so, and try to get the completely disinterested boys involved, then they all become friends yet again until the next crisis!

Maybe it is due to social media and instead of only seeing each other occasionally they are living in each others pockets day and night 7 days a week.

I felt like that at times when I was a teenager and when I was older so I sympathise with your daughter. The big difference is that I had no one to confide in and tried to cover it all up.

The fact that your daughter can express herself to you will be immensely helpful to her; a burden shared and all that. She will perk up but knows you will be there for her if things are not going too well.

for you, an excellent mum.

I too remember it a bit for me, same age as OP.

But Ds1 seems like a pp, where he is in the most fabulous big group of boys, and also lovely groups including girls.

Always huge parties and meeting mates on bikes and getting Nando's Piri piri etc.

It's not something that either of my dds have encountered. Obviously that doesn't mean it isn't 'a thing', but one thing they have always had is different groups of friends. They don't rely on school friends for their only friendship group, they have friends from other things they do.
I think that helps a lot.

With a little bit of maturity your dd will come out the other end and see that most other teens are no more fake than she is: they are real people struggling with hormones and trying to be grown-up and trying to get accepted. Sometimes they mess up but so, no doubt, does she, and no doubt sometimes without even noticing. Friendships drift at this age, but in all probability she too has moved on once or twice. Teenagers have a tendency to judge very hard and assume that anybody who doesn't stay best mates with them is insincere and fake. As adults I think we become more accepting of the fact that not every relationship is longterm.

My DS's male friends seem to be ok in each other's company but drifting away a little bit when the female friends are involved in the group... that's why DS is now organising meeting them separately. I must say I was shocked how vicious some girls can be on social media when they are not getting what they want or if they are "unfollowed".