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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you leave a 17 year old alone at home for 12 days

94 replies

burdent47 · 18/07/2019 07:45

Whilst you go abroad? DC in question is desperate to but he is pretty hopeless around the house. Extremely disorganised/forgetful, very good at losing things. We don't have family nearby. Only been left alone for 1 night with younger siblings before.

OP posts:

Original poster

burdent47 · 18/07/2019 17:31

He's extremely p*ed off to put it mildly, so any advice on how to handle it would be welcome!

OP posts:

DragonMamma · 18/07/2019 17:34

17?! Of course I would.

I was being left for a week from 16 because my parents had a caravan and I didn’t always want to go. At 17 they’d have not given it a second thought - I’m staggered that 17yos these days are so sheltered.

I lived off scrambled eggs on toast, pasta and sauce and oven food and bloody loved it!

NC4Now · 18/07/2019 17:39

Burdent I have felt like a shit parent reading this too, but it just highlights how little people understand about dyspraxia.

Just clean up, how hard is it? Well quite hard actually, if you have problems with planning, sequencing, memory etc.
Just put a pizza in the oven. Just don’t forget about it and go out.

Short spells is definitely the way forward I think.

ExpletiveDelighted · 18/07/2019 17:42

I don't think you're a shit parent either, one of mine is quite severely dyspraxic and it really is much harder for him to master everyday skills than I could ever have imagined. Way harder than for his younger sibling despite his age advantage, she just gets on and does things, he really struggles.

Whoever asked about the WWYD list, I have it in a notebook at home but am also always trying to think of things, will come back later

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/07/2019 17:45

I was living independently at that age, but not all DC are the same and not all circumstances are the same.

DC1 (now 19) I probably would have, he's very quiet, sensible, wouldn't have friends over and can cook basic meals and could be trusted to lock up and generally look after the house.

DC2 (17) I probably wouldn't. He will be off to Uni soon but that will be living in shared halls with support available and other people there. He is also dyspraxic (only recently diagnosed) and has hypermobile joints. He can make some food (noodles/heat stuff up in oven or microwave/sandwiches/toasties/egg on toast etc) and clean up after but he struggles with tins and also tends to cut himself quite a bit. He's clumsy, loses stuff all the time. He may or may not have a party, probably not as that would mean effort to organise it.I think i would be okay with less time away, even up to a week but 12 days seems a lot. We also don't have family nearby or close friends but neighbours would defo keep an eye out and he could go to them for help (if he wasn't too embarassed). i presume that time scale is non- negotiable though as holiday is already booked?

ParkheadParadise · 18/07/2019 17:45

Yes
At 17 I had Dd1 who was 2.

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/07/2019 17:50

He was also perfectly happy to come on holiday with us this year, free holiday, nice food, what's not to love?

OP, as for how to handle it, it might be worth starting with a conversation about why he doesn't want to come and see if there is any room for compromise on any of those issues? My DC2 likes to just go off for walks by himself while we are away (we go somewhere he is familiar with) and he'd rather do that than go swimming as he feels very self conscious. We also try to go places where the DC can have their own room so they get their own space. We ask if they'd like to join us for things rather than have enforced activities and also allow some tech to be taken.

TheRLodger · 18/07/2019 17:55

I’m dyspraxic. My parents left me for a long weekend at that age. Managed fine. And 8 months later I was off to uni fending for myself anyway. When do you go away? Have you got time to do a few dos and dont’s and create a simple manual. Supervise him using the oven a couple of times

Mosaic123 · 18/07/2019 18:00

Ask him what he do if he came home, while you were away, and there had been a burglary, there was a fire, rather came through the ceiling or all the lights failed.

He needs to able to cope in an emergency. I think 17 is far too young with no support nearby e.g. Grandparents/very close friends.

howdyalikemenow · 18/07/2019 19:59

I was living alone at 17 too. Doesn't mean our kids are the same as us. Why is that so hard to comprehend?

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 18/07/2019 20:22

Times have changed and I would think any 17 year old living alone or in a flat share or even with a partner and babies (yikes) had been born into a dysfunctional family and/or not had a happy childhood with supportive parents.

My mil was married at 16 and had 2 children by the time she was 19. She had the most dysfunctional family you can imagine.

llangennith · 19/07/2019 08:42

@burdent47 it's very trying when a teen really doesn't want to go on holiday with you and you know you can't leave them behind, much as you'd like to.
Many years ago we went to the Caribbean for Christmas and New Year. 17yo DD1 stropped about being away for NY and missing partying with her friends so much that I found myself dreading the holiday in her company. 12yo and 11yo DC very excited about the trip.
When we got to our resort DD1 sulked for a day or so then gave up and we all had a great time.
I hope you get the same outcome OP.

Sparklypen · 19/07/2019 08:56

Do you have neighbours you can leave keys with in case he loses his keys?
Then at least he won't be locked out.

Also get him to prove that he can do basic household tasks.

voddiekeepsmesane · 20/07/2019 20:34

Really really depends on child. DS is 15 and probably in 2 years knowing what he is like now I would. I personally moved out of home at 17 and had moved 12000 miles away by 21 so maybe that sways my answer a little.

Paige26x · 21/07/2019 13:56

If your 17 year old was able to cook himself etc do chores then yes 17 is old enough to be left alone, if they do have a party or something as long as the house is kept clean and not trashed fine, teens will be teens, or if you’d rather not know what you won’t know won’t hurt you. Just reality! But if you believe he wouldn’t be able to cope, then no send him a family members house. He’s old enough practically an adult maybe show him how to do household chores? X

LynetteScavo · 21/07/2019 14:18

No. I wound leave my perfectly capable boys at the age of 17. 18, yes.

There is a house local to me which was totally, and I mean totally trashed recently while the parents were away. I know it's rare, but I wouldn't risk it. Apparently the child concerned is very sensible,

Branleuse · 22/07/2019 13:27

if hes pissed off about not being trusted to be left, just tell him that you think its too long, and that you do trust him to keep it all going for short periods, but he would need to show you that he can keep on top of at least his own housework while youre still around, without you having to nag or takeover, before youll leave him more than a couple of days.

No point making excuses to him. It is what it is. You dont just go from everyone doing things for you, to just being left to look after a house on your own for 12 days. Its not a game, and youd like nothing more than for him to show you he can be responsible.

CrackOn · 22/07/2019 13:43

I don't blame him tbh, op. He's not a child and he probably feels humiliated and patronised by your decision to treat him like one. However, if that's what you're going to do, I'd frame it as not your fault- you really wanted to go on the holiday and are very disappointed not to be able to because you can't trust him to look after himself at seventeen. Make it seem like not your choice but the inevitable response to his behaviour. Do not apologise.

Bumbag45 · 29/07/2019 14:51

I’ve just left my 18yr old DS for a full two weeks. He went to work as he should, looked after the pets (even had the dog up in his bed every night as she cried as we were away), walked her daily after work, did his washing but didn’t cook much (ate at work and out in the evening or a snack). He watered the garden, changed his bed and when we came home he’d vacuumed through and the house was very presentable. He took a food delivery in the day before we returned and put it all away etc.
He did say he got a bit lonely at times but he drives so popped out in the evenings.
He had friends over a few times, one smashed glass but apart from that we wouldn’t have known he’d had a party.
I was also very worried about leaving him but giving him the responsibility seemed to have done him fine. He’s been a little more personable since we’ve been home too, I think he perhaps appreciates what we do for him a bit more now.

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