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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you leave a 17 year old alone at home for 12 days

94 replies

burdent47 · 18/07/2019 07:45

Whilst you go abroad? DC in question is desperate to but he is pretty hopeless around the house. Extremely disorganised/forgetful, very good at losing things. We don't have family nearby. Only been left alone for 1 night with younger siblings before.

OP posts:

exexpat · 18/07/2019 10:11

12 days when you are abroad and out of reach is far too long for a first go at leaving him to fend for himself, particularly with your description of him. He either needs to come with you, go to stay with someone you trust or be booked into a teenage camp of some kind. Then over the next year really work on improving his skills and independence.

DS also has dyspraxic tendencies and had no interest in cooking, laundry etc at 17, but he went off to a self-catering-only university the month after he turned 18, so we did some intensive preparation in the months before that and he has managed very well (even cooks vegetables for himself every day!).

Original poster

burdent47 · 18/07/2019 10:52

NC4Now so does mine

Thanks for all the good advice. I'm going to work up to leaving him for a longer time with some short spells and lots of domestic training. Very happy to do so but everyone is different (he's got 2 younger siblings who would probably be fine).

OP posts:

Ragwort · 18/07/2019 10:59

No I wouldn’t, I am sure my DS could perfectly well but, as others have said, it’s the thought of him inviting mates round, out of control parties etc.
I know everyone says ‘my DC wouldn’t do that’ but every year you read about houses being trashed and parents saying ‘I never thought it would happen to us’ . We’ve all been young ourselves and know how tempting it is to throw a party when our parents were away ....

TheRedBarrows · 18/07/2019 11:04

Being dyspraxic was a pretty big drip feed and is relevant.

No, I wouldn't leave them alone for a whole 12 days as the first time they had been left alone and with lack of experience and skills.

Maybe use the prospect of staying alone to incentivise learning to do basic cookery etc.

Taichipandas · 18/07/2019 11:09

Expletive do you have a "what to do if" list written down by any chance? If so, would you mind posting? It sounds like a brilliant idea and something my DC would definitely benefit from.

Herocomplex · 18/07/2019 11:15

My main concern is always that they locked up the house properly at night and on going out, checked windows and made SURE they had a key with them when they went out. Made sure curtains were opened and closed at the appropriate times so the house looked occupied.
It’s safety really, for them and for the property. I’d suggest their most reliable friend comes over as well.

Kaykay06 · 18/07/2019 11:16

I’m off on holiday on Saturday leaving my 17 year old (18 next month) with the dog and cat for a week. I’m a bit nervous as I’ve never left him before but he’s got a job is able to feed himself etc (I’m a nurse so he does this for his brother days I work late) so I know he’s capable. He does have a no mates rule for the week but his girlfriend is welcome and is going to keep an eye. We do have family an hour away so he won’t be totally on his own.

I’m sure your son will be fine, if he doesn’t learn to stand on his own 2 feet now when will he? I’m dyspraxic/dyslexic I moved out to uni and coped fine you just get on with it.

hippospot · 18/07/2019 11:17

I was left at that age for 2 weeks and it was fab. Disclaimer: I had family members living close by who checked in on me (pre-mobile phone days of course) and I was an organised and mature teen.

Being allowed to have a friend to stay a couple of nights was nice for me.

FishCanFly · 18/07/2019 13:29

No effing way. Looking after himself is non-issue. But bringing his mates over - i don't trust them.

VioletCharlotte · 18/07/2019 13:34

No. Ive left DS19 and 17 for 3 days before, but wouldn't want to leave them longer than that. They wouldn't have parties, but would have friends round, and 12 days of friends round equals a lot of mess!

My Mum left me at 17 for 2 weeks and I got up to all sorts 😂

Herefortheduration · 18/07/2019 13:40

My DS is 17, he'd be fine on his own for that long and he'd probably cope if he had his own place too, although he'd need a bit of support for how to move in. A lot of what you think he can't do will actually be that he simply hasn't had to do them in the past. He'll be fine learning for himself. If he can read, he can read instructions on the back of a food packet.

howdyalikemenow · 18/07/2019 14:21

I have similar problem with my asd teen op and in spite of my best efforts, he is still pretty clueless unlike my 14 and 10 year old. Not all kids are the same. It really barks me when other people assume that you're somehow a shit parent because you have a nearly legally adult child who still can't fend for themselves!

I wouldnt leave my eldest more than a couple of nights for the same reasons as you've mentioned. All kids are different. My other two would probably be fine at that age.

howdyalikemenow · 18/07/2019 14:23

@burdent47 and @NC4Now mine forgets to eat too!

Branleuse · 18/07/2019 14:32

dyspraxia might not be "an excuse to be lazy" . He might have executive function issues which can make planning and organising certain things in life fairly tricky and far more exhausting than for most other people. Dyspraxia can bring quite significant challenges. Its not just about clumsiness

I would leave my 18 year old for a weekend, but not for 12 days with noone to keep an eye

AutumnCrow · 18/07/2019 14:32

I was married with two kids at 17

@Lllot5 I really would love to hear your story. DP and his ExW were together with a baby at 17 but were refused permission to marry. (Nuns were involved.)

Original poster

burdent47 · 18/07/2019 14:45

Thank you howdyalikemenow and Branleuse. I have felt a bit under attack for being a shit parent on this thread but have chosen to ignore it

Branleuse I think that's very true: DS is hopelessly disorganised. I think he struggles with it tbh but really wants to be like everyone else at the same time so doesn't ask for help much. I try to help him as much as I can whilst also trying to avoid coddling him (as someone on here put it). It's a fine line.

Anyway, as I said before, we've decided not to leave him for that long but will build up to it for the future.

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 18/07/2019 14:49

I hope I didn’t make you feel bad! Every half-decent parent does the best they can and absolutely no one in the world could ever claim to be a perfect parent.

I think you’ve made the right decision. Maybe plan a long weekend away here and there, and get him into the habit of at least thinking about risks/safety - particularly to do with cooking and locking up the house. A few checklists might be helpful in this regard (just a simple, bulletpoint list so he has something to refer to).

AutumnCrow · 18/07/2019 14:56

Having read the thread, I think you've made the right decision too, OP.

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 15:01

You have made the right decision, you are very very unlikely to be able to relax and enjoy your holiday op. You will be worrying the whole time, so there is no point in even going!

The risk of fire, burglary because the house is unlocked, a huge party would be my reasons. Keeping the house spotless and eating pot noodles for a week or so less of an issue.

Neither of you are ready yet.

howdyalikemenow · 18/07/2019 16:31

Yes it is an executive function issue along with anxiety that crippled my lad. He knows he needs to but she's away from it when I encourage him to try. He'll get there eventually but it's going to be a looooong process. Sometimes it's even harder when you have neurotically kids as well because you can SEE the difference!

MyDcAreMarvel · 18/07/2019 16:36

No definitely not , at 17 my eldest was shipped of to grandmas..

ContactLight · 18/07/2019 17:11

At 17 one of mine was living independently in London in a flat with a friend the same age. As long as there is a neighbour or two that your dc can call in an emergency (or just for reassurance) then they should be fine.

Unless, of course, you think they might invite all their friends round for parties in which case it's a no from me!

TwistyTop · 18/07/2019 17:23

Totally depends on the 17yr old. From what you've said about him on here I wouldn't leave him for that long

CremeEggThief · 18/07/2019 17:26

No. There's a big gap going from 1 night to 12, without an in between. Your DS sounds a lot like mine and I would be happy to leave him for a few nights (I have left him for 3 nights once so I'll try 5 at some stage), but not 12.

Greenglassteacup · 18/07/2019 17:29

I was left at home at 16 for 2 weeks while my family went to Greece. Massive parties, let off the lead and totally went for it

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