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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 14 year old dd and her 16 years old boyfriend

19 replies

biglips · 19/06/2019 19:29

Need some advice please.

My dd will be 15 in Oct and her boyfriend will be 17 next year in April. They've started seeing each other about 4-5 mths ago.

I've always been abit weary about him being abit older and could possibly be sexually active, maybe not.

I've just found a packet of condoms in her drawers in bedroom, 3 is missing.

I'm abit like errm...ermmmm!!!
I just hope she not had sex with her boyfriend as 2 yrs ago, she started self harming which we don't know why, nor does she. A few months, she wanted to die. She just started counselling last week in her school which she been waiting for a few months to try to help her.

Do I talk to her about sex and her mental health or just sex?

Thanks.

OP posts:

TheresWaldo · 19/06/2019 19:34

Well it sounds like she has, which I appreciate must be a big worry. But I am confused about the mental health part and why it is relevant to the condoms. I would carry on the counselling but you urgently need to have a conversation with her about contraception. I have a 15 yo so I do understand that you must be concerned.

Firefliess · 19/06/2019 19:34

An 18 month gap isn't that big, especially as it's only one school year between them. If you've found condoms with some missing then it would seem quite likely to me that they are having sex, though your DD may deny it if she thinks you'll be cross. I would talk to her about sex and contraception generally, phrased around "when she is at that stage in a relationship" if she denies it being an issue yet. I'm not sure why you feel you need to talk to her about her mental health at the same time - do you feel she shouldn't have sex because she's had mental health problems? It might be best not to conflate the two difficult conversations unless you need to

BarbedBloom · 20/06/2019 20:07

I was sexually active at this age, as were my friends. It wasn't pressure from my boyfriend, I was the instigator. I would just sit down and tell her what you found, talk about contraception and see how things are generally. It doesn't mean you have to encourage it, but to some extent it can be difficult to stop teenagers having sex if they really want to do so, but keeping open a channel of communication seems very important given her mental health

TeenTimesTwo · 20/06/2019 20:41

I wouldn't be happy. (I make it 2 school years between them.)
You have a 14yo who you know to be vulnerable.

I would be stressing that the law considers she is too young to be having sex and you agree, (but if she must have sex, she needs condoms + pill/implant perhaps?)

EMacCoffee · 21/06/2019 11:49

Plenty of people I know were sexually active at this age, I wasn't until 16 and in a proper relationship with someone almost exactly the same age. I say speak to her about sex, contraception and STIs and try not to be angry with her, you need to keep the line of communication open.

Original poster

biglips · 25/06/2019 21:02

Yes she is in year 9 and her boyfriend just finished school. They've been seeing each other since Feb and he's a nice boy. He treats my daughter well. So yes I'm scared that now she's having sex as I'm her mum. I was 16 when I lost my virginity. And yes she is having counselling atm as I'm not sure how mentally stable she is atm cos she doesn't know why she is feeling like this and being suicidal too.

I'll leave the mental state of mind to one side and talk to her about contraception etc.

Thank you everybody for your advices

OP posts:

dreichuplands · 25/06/2019 21:07

She needs more reliable contraception than condoms OP, nothing about getting pregnant would be good for her mental health.
Talk to her about it and make sure she organizes an appointment to arrange something. If she is mature enough for sex she is mature enough to manage her contraception properly.
Talk through her choices with her.

Paigexx · 26/06/2019 14:10

I was 14 and my boyfriend was 16 but he turned 17 then I turned 15, was two school years between us. (I have a daughter with him now and we’re happy as ever.) If you get on with someone you get on with someone regardless of the age gap unless it’s ridiculous like 4/5 years +
There’s adults out here with 11 year age gaps etc I know fully grown people are entitled to do what they want but teenagers have exactly the same views and feelings I remember not even thinking about the age gap it was such a natural relationship. My family we’re fine obviously my dad and brother was a bit why not have a boyfriend your age type of thing but they knew we were good together so they had no other complaints it is what it is. And as for your daughter having sex it’s such a natural thing why on earth to people talk about it as if it’s a crime at a young age! It has no age limits yes 16 is the “legal age” but that’s in legal terms not reality. Let’s face it we’ve all been there done that. It’s not about having sex it’s about safe sex! Talk to you daughter about safe sex and take her to get birth control if she already hasn’t, sex is so natural you just need to take into consideration it’s a human thing to do. Especially at a young age and preventing boyfriends is just a no no! It’s gonna happen majority of teens have boyfriends and I’m telling you majority of them have sex. I understand parents who don’t wanna “encourage it” but I understand parents a lot when they say it’s normal and healthy to have sex and they’d rather be doing it in a household that’s safe not an unsafe place (because some teens get tempted to do this) but I just honestly think safe sex is not a bloody crime and they won’t be at it 24/7 anyway!!! Closeness is a big part of a relationship. She will always be your baby no matter what age but when she gets to about 16 (when adult life begins) you need to let her make her own choices and if she wants to have her boyfriend in her room then trust her that she’s made the right decision if she’s sensible and mature about the decision. Like I’ve said sex is NATURAL. And talk to her about her mental health take her to the doctors! Bless her hope she is ok. X

Paigexx · 26/06/2019 14:11

Also wouldn’t think sex has anything to do with mental health atall. Relationships that are bad do yes?

Original poster

biglips · 26/06/2019 17:27

Yes Im not complaining about an age gap and yes I know sex is natural but she is only 14. I will be having a talk when everyone is out as I do have two younger kids who are so nosey!!

She is waiting for Cahms appointment to go ahead. We've heard from them by letter explaining who they are, etc. In the meanwhile, she having counselling at school.

OP posts:

LennyBelardo · 26/06/2019 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wholikestoparday · 26/06/2019 17:40

It’s not something to worry about. Or even really have a conversation about is it? She’s using condoms obviously. She’s in a relationship. He’s nice. What’s the issue?

dreichuplands · 26/06/2019 18:57

It is against the law, if I was boyfriend's mum I would be very clear with him he is breaking the law and if they split up acrimoniously he is putting himself at risk. She doesn't have the same risks.
But condoms in the hands of teenagers aren't that reliable. She should have better pregnancy prevention.
I think talking to dc about this stuff is important, if it all goes wrong at that age parents are expected to support their dc. So helping them before it does seems sensible.

Paigexx · 27/06/2019 12:14

Yes she’s 14 that’s why you really need to talk to her about safe sex. Reality is regardless of what parents try and prevent things can happen, teenagers will be teenagers, you need to have a chat with her and guide her in the right direction of safe sex and make sure she isn’t being peer pressured etc. Best of luck

Paigexx · 27/06/2019 12:23

Just give her your love she’ll appreciate it she must be going through a hard time if she’s having counciling? I know it’s not the ideal thing you wanna hear your daughter who is 14 is having sex but You got to realise there’s no age limit on feeling like your ready to have sex. And as for the boy think it’s unfair how people are talking about his age like it’s a major issue. Are they good together? Does he treat her ok? That’s all that matters babe it’s not a ridiculous age gap so I wouldn’t worry. Legal age is 16 for sex but come on it’s the law not reality we all know that! I just think making sure your doing the best you can to get your daughters mental health on track and to encourage a healthy relationship and to make her understand what a bad relationship is, and of course how to prevent pregnancy it’s the best way forward to prevent things

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 15:30

The boyfriend is not too old for your daughter but at 14, she is too young for sex in my, and the law's, opinion. However if she has already 'done it', there's not much you can do about it. Thank goodness they are practising safe sex.

Are you worried that she will become so emotionally entangled with this boy that she'd break down if he dropped her? I can understand those fears if she is mentally fragile.

Just be there for her, ensure she is secure in a happy home.

I hope everything works out well.

MusicTwilight · 27/06/2019 16:08

OP, I am surprised that you know your DD has a "boyfriend" but that you are surprised they might be having sex . And you've never talked to her about it! Just left her to be "guided" by the highly sexualised and amoral media, her hormones and the boy she's seeing (because thats what it comes down to). If you are not her advocate and guide, this is who you are leaving the job to.

Where is your input and guidance?

MusicTwilight · 27/06/2019 16:11

Its not just about "safe sex" either. Sex is not simply a safety issue fgs, like you can do a 3 hour risk-assessment safety course. Its a human issue involving lots of vulnerabilities and sensitives.

Oblomov19 · 27/06/2019 18:35

I'm not surprised she's sexually actively. Lots of people were when Ds1 was in year 9, last year.

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