Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How much should a teenager help in the house?

57 replies

totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 08:44

How much do your teenagers help stubs the house or with younger siblings?
I’m wary of expecting too much of my teenager because he has school and homework but he also lives in the house and is part of the family so I think he should do something.
At the moment he is expected to load the washing machine on a Saturday (2 loads of washing through the day). But even that is a struggle to get him to do as he doesn’t think he should do anything. So now he has to do the 2 loads of washing or he doesn’t get his pocket money. He has previously had other small jobs but they never get done and then we end up arguing.
I think 2 loads of washing is barely a contribution to the running of the household. He never cooks or helps with the cooking and is reluctant to even make himself a sandwich etc for lunch if it is the school holidays (has school meals term time) and would rather go hungry.
I have tried to encourage him to do more around the house and to be able to do things for himself as he prepares for adulthood but it always ends in a major row or with him sulking for days on end and telling me that I am just old fashioned and kids these days are not expected to do chores. A likely story Hmm
He won’t even make his younger brothers a drink if I am busy and they ask him for a drink (they are toddlers).
So, if you have made it this far what is a reasonable expectation of teenagers?

OP posts:
MrPickles73 · 16/05/2019 08:49

2 loads of washing on a Saturday is more than reasonable. Part of our jobs as parents is to prepare them for adult life. He needs to learn how to do things and he needs to understand a family needs teamwork.

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/05/2019 08:49

I have 2 teens and one is fairly helpful (I think she feels sorry for me) but the other is lazy.
I expect them to pick up after themselves and keep their rooms half decent as a minimum. I'd really like them to take responsibility for the odd meal and help with the washing and general housework.
I try not to take advantage of my helpful one though, as it feels unfair.

MrPickles73 · 16/05/2019 08:51

Sorry when I said more than readonable I don't mean you're asking him to do more than is reasonable I mean you are being more than reasonable ie he could do more. If his friends are spoilt and lazy that's not your problem ;-)

ooooohbetty · 16/05/2019 08:58

Mine had more chores than his one that were mostly done. You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. So what if his friends don't do them. Stick to your guns. He's just being a teenage brat and pushing boundaries.

LettuceP · 16/05/2019 09:00

IMO making himself a sandwich and grabbing his younger sibling a drink is basic, that's not helping around the house its being a functioning human. I think you need to crack down on stuff like this ASAP if you want him to grow up to be a decent adult.

2 loads of washing a week is not unreasonable at all. I think tidying up after himself, keeping his room clean, putting his own clean clothes away and helping cook or tidy up after meals plus a couple of chores a week is reasonable.

Sicario · 16/05/2019 09:00

An alternative approach... I completely threw in the towel when it came to recalcitrant teenagers. It became clear to me that the only one who was suffering was me because they DID MY HEAD IN. So I decided, if you want to live in a pigsty, go ahead. Then I put my blinkers on.

It worked. Everyone was much happier. They've all grown up and buggered off now and, unbelievably, keep very nice homes. Teenagers are a nightmare.

woodcutbirds · 16/05/2019 09:01

I'm a bit of a failure in this respect. I don't get DC to do anything routinely. They do work very hard at school and get good grades. To me, this is their main 'job' but they should also realise how much effort goes into running a home.
Ours will hoover without complaint whenever I ask. They strip their beds and sort their laundry every week, but I do the washing, drying folding etc. They almost never clear up after meals, and they leave the bathroom in a pigsty even though I remind them all the time to mop wet floors and rinse toothpaste from the basin. I'm planning a big training session before they leave home.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/05/2019 09:03

Grinsicario I might have to adopt your approach!

nwybhs · 16/05/2019 09:10

I don't make mine do anything. They can indeed grow into fully functioning adults without being made to do 'chores'. The problem with this question on Mumsnet is that people are unable to understand that not making them do set 'jobs' doesn't mean they never do anything.

The example in the OP is too ridged for our family. Teens don't have to put 2 loads of washing on every Saturday, but they will pop a load on of the basket is looking full any day.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 16/05/2019 09:15

My teen is a bit of a pain (aren't they all?!) but she brings in and folds the household washing every day, sometimes she 'forgets' to fold it and ends up with a huge pile (6 people, sheets and towels etc)
She is also responsible for the kid lunches during the week, she packs lunch boxes for herself and her 3 siblings. She loves to bake so regularly makes (and eats) desserts.

My nearly 12y/o son is responsible for setting up the washing machine every day and hanging out the wet laundry every morning. He jumps to help out whenever we ask him and has a way better attitude than my teen (Just wanted to add that in, in case people thought I was just treating my daughter like Cinderella)

Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 09:21

nwybhs I do agree with you. We only introduced the washing on a Saturday because he was refusing to do anything at all to help. He isn’t the sort of child that will see something needs doing and just do it. If I asked him to do any jobs, no matter how small, he would erupt into a screaming argumentative and then crying child and whine about how unfair his life is. Like I said, he won’t even make himself a sandwich or make his siblings a drink if they ask him. So I decided instead of the constant arguing and me being frustrated that he did zero to help anybody that he would do the washing machine one day a week or he would forfeit his pocket money. On the weeks he doesn’t do it I don’t give him any pocket money and it means I no longer have to have an argument to get him to do 1 small thing.

OP posts:
daisypond · 16/05/2019 09:22

My teens are entirely responsible for doing their own washing and ironing and cleaning their room. They also must clear the table and load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen daily. Plus ad hoc jobs when needed - hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc. Also must cook one meal a week each and be responsible for preparing their lunches for school. All have top grades at school. One also had a sport that they did two hours after school every day and all day Saturday.

Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 09:25

He would happily see 2 baskets overflowing with washing and not put anything in the washing machine even if he could see that I was poorly and unable to do it myself.
The flexible approach doesn’t work with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 09:25

daisypond I am in awe. I would love my teen to be like yours.

OP posts:
daisypond · 16/05/2019 09:27

Then don’t do any of his washing. He should get the message. Just do your own stuff for a while.

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/05/2019 09:27

My teen DSs do jobs around the house. Between the four of us (me, DH & them) we do all the cleaning. We all hoover, clean bathrooms, dust, polish and DSs cook once a week each. I tell them why I feel It's important -

  • I don't want to bring up boys who expect their mum/future partner to do all the housework.
  • they live here too, they make mess, they eat, use the loos and showers etc and we are a team.
  • they are at school all day & have homework. I work FT and DH works long hours including early evenings. We can all spare 20 mins a day to do a small job to keep on top of things. They have plenty of other time to hang out, watch TV, play football, go to clubs.

I do shut my eyes at their rooms though which are tips.

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/05/2019 09:30

OP sorry but you are allowing your DS to do nothing. Imagine whag sort of partner he will be. Your DIL will be on here complaining about her useless husband and asking whether she IBU for resenting him.

You might have to get tough.

daisypond · 16/05/2019 09:32

A lot of it is down to the fact that I don’t have time . I’m out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. The teens need to pull their weight. I’ve had to keen an eye on them putting a wash on with very few items in, though.

Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 09:39

brake I know it is my fault. I do want to rectify it and have tried many times over the years, including sending him to live at my mums for a fortnight where he was made to help out. The thing is, he won’t argue with my mum but he will argue with me and has made false accusations to authorities when unable to get his own way. If it was just him then I wouldn’t be concerned about his accusations but I have other children and have to consider the impact on them if his accusations are believed.
He has also tried to self harm when we have had conversations about his laziness. I would send him to my mums for longer but she cannot have him for longer due to being too far from school and her having other commitments. Plus I don’t expect her to continually sort out my problems.
I just need to toughen up.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 16/05/2019 09:46

If he thinks it's old fashioned for kids to help out, what does he think is the "modern" way of getting everything done?

daisypond · 16/05/2019 10:04

Ok , it sounds like there is more going on here than just teenage selfishness. How old is he?

FishCanFly · 16/05/2019 10:04

I pay for jobs that I would pay someone else. I.e. car wash

Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 10:06

alexa he thinks that’s what parents / adults are for. I don’t even understand why he thinks like this because it’s not what we have taught him. Even my 3 year old puts his washing in the laundry basket and tidies up his toys.
He thinks because I work part time and from home that I should do these things because I am here and it is my job.
I asked him why he wouldn’t get his siblings a drink the other day whilst I was trying to cook and he said ‘because I’m not their parent’.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 10:08

daisypond he is 14.
fish we offered him £5 to wash each car (same as the local hand car wash charges) and he did it once and decided it wasn’t worth it and he didn’t like doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallycluelessoverhere · 16/05/2019 10:10

daisy I suspect he has high functioning autism but he refuses to go to camhs for any kind of assessment.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread