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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help! Girl sending sexual texts to my 13 yo son :(

59 replies

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 13:08

My son is nearly 14 and has recently started with his first girlfriend he sees at school. She’s in the year below.
We randomly check his phone (he knows this) and I’ve been so shocked and sad this week to find that this girl - who seems perfectly nice in person - is persistently trying to sext him.. making salacious remarks and trying to get him to talk sex almost constantly. “You’re the only person I want to shag”, “my friends say you should make me cum on the slide at the playpark”, “shall I tell you about how short my shorts are..” etc etc ....
Thankfully every single comment was shut down immediately by him by changing the topic or just saying ‘oh ok’ then making his excuses to go offline.
I was so angry at first but cooled off, took him for a walk and we chatted about it. I asked him about her and his feelings for her and what he thinks about her texts. He said he finds it “annoying” and that he really likes her. He says this is typical of how the kids talk to each other at school. I think he has realised that this is not ok, and gradually we are separating out ‘mum and dad just don’t want me having a girlfriend’ from ‘mum and dad don’t want me being sexual on text with my girlfriend at this age’ but it has taken a lot of difficult conversations and heartache on my part. I’ve just felt like his bubble of innocence has finally burst and I’ve been jettisoned into the world of parenting a teen.
I don’t want to be monitoring his phone but until he’s 16, I will be, periodically. He’s not allowed to delete anything and I’ve told him he will never get into trouble for what someone else says or does but that he also needs to reset some boundaries with the girl.
He sent her a msg yesterday asking her to stop referring to her body and sex all the time and that he just wants to get to know her for who she is.
I was proud of him but it was almost word for word what I’d suggested so I’m not sure how much he meant it lol!!
Can anyone who has been in a similar situation help me? I don’t have friends with teens this age and I don’t want to be ‘that’ controlling mother but I can’t shake off the feeling a 12-year old girl shouldn’t be doing this... it feels like baiting him. My DH pointed out if it was a boy texting our daughter, we would have contacted his parents by now!
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2019 13:14

What a mess. I would be very concerned and upset, too. I think I would be tempted to text/talk to the girl myself and tell her that you monitor your son's phone and you want her inappropriate messages to stop immediately. But then again, you don't want to humiliate your child. This is a very difficult problem, op. Perhaps you should speak to her parents. Maybe they should know what their daughter is up to. What are you thinking?

MamaDane · 24/04/2019 13:14

Sorry no advice here, just want to say it sounds like you have raised a good boy.

Stiffasaboard · 24/04/2019 13:18

I’d be really unhappy too.

Why does your son articulate that he likes her? Ie what is he gaining from the contact and ‘relationship’ given he seems uncomfortable with her sexting? Perhaps giving him the confidence to see that this isn’t a healthy relationship and he is quite ok to wait until he meets someone with whom he actually shares interests etc

But I’m the meantime I’d be telling the school. They can discuss with the girl directly. I wouldn’t go to her parents myself I don’t think.

Jamhandprints · 24/04/2019 13:19

Do you know her parents? If she's 12/just 13 they should know. She could get herself into real trouble.
Maybe invite her for some proper "dates": cinema, out with your family, tea at your house.
I think you've handled it brilliantly and should be extremely proud of your son. What a star.

emummy · 24/04/2019 13:23

No advice but I agree with what he says about how kids are talking to each other. My daughter is 14 and describes how sexualised talk at school is. We had to go in to the school over a boy in her class harassing her with sexual comments in class. It sounds like you gave a great relationship with your son and he seems a very sensible lad!

DizzySue · 24/04/2019 13:39

I agree it's how some kids that age are talking to each other, but it's definitely not all of them. He sounds like a good one OP, you've raised him well.

I believe as teens move through the different stages ranging from early years 'going out' with each other and texting, to drinking at parties and having a snog, drugs being available and then entering into serious relationships with intimacy etc. they begin to understand themselves and recognise their boundaries, they witness others with different morals to them and often are drawn to friends who have been raised in a similar way. Often this is why teens fall in and out of friendships so often as they grow up, in my teens cases they have dumped a lot of friends along the way because they disapproved if their behaviour and standards.

OP I think you'll find this girlfriend doesn't last long, he's learning who he wants to surround himself with, I bet when he is older he'll make more suitable choices in a GF.

Your close relationship with him is evident and keeping the lines of communication open will help you both through this minefield. I'd love my DD to date a decent lad like this, you should be proud.

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 17:36

Thank you so much everyone, I feel so much better and less like a rubbish Mum.
I volunteer in the school which is another difficulty if I tackle it head on. I’m really hoping it will stop now that he is telling her to. He shouldn’t feel he has to put up with being spoken to in that way and whilst I’d be naive to think he’s entirely hating it, at least so far he gets why I’m concerned. I feel like I need to just keep an eye on things and keep the communication strong as best I can. I think if they’re still together in a few weeks and the sexual texting has stopped I will suggest they go out on a ‘date’ (which I know she has already asked him for several times) but I will be doing the dropping off and picking up!
Thank you all so much for your compliments about my boy - I just adore him and his nature... it’s just a tightrope protecting whilst learning to let go..

OP posts:

Atalune · 24/04/2019 17:41

I would be devastated is my Dd sent texts like that. How hideous.

You’re doing the right thing- keep talking and figuring it out with your son. He’s a good young man and is sending the right messages back to her.

RomanyQueen1 · 24/04/2019 17:43

i'd contact her and tell her to stop and if any repercussions at school, you'll inform school and her parents.

SoHotADragonRetired · 24/04/2019 17:51

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but at that age I was saying that kind of shit to strangers online in AOL chatrooms (anyone else remember the days of a/s/l? I can vividly remember responding '13/f/[place]'. God I'm old).

I doubt that they would be doing or attempting to do what they're texting about. It's experimentation that feels safe because it's textual and distant. They are discovering hormones and attraction and sexting/sexy online chatting is a safe way to explore it.

Given that they are both the same age and in secondary, I'm not sure what role the school has in this tbh. 13yos do snog and grope and fumble and talk about how far etc. I don't really see it as the schools business if both are same aged and no laws are being broken.

Hollowvictory · 24/04/2019 17:56

I'd tell school regardless of whether I volunteer there. Could be a child protection issue

Ratatatouille · 24/04/2019 18:04

I think it's really sad that a little girl of 12 firstly knows all of that graphic sexting chat, and also that she feels this is the way to get boys to like her. Clearly that's where she thinks her value lies in terms of relationships with the opposite sex. She is "lucky" (although decency should be the norm) that your DS is not exploiting her and seems to be respectful with good boundaries. She may not get the same response from another boy and it will be largely her who is at risk.
You are doing a great job of safeguarding your DS, but I worry that this girl is at serious risk. For that reason, I would 100% be contacting the school who should have safeguarding measures in place to deal with this kind of thing.

TeaForTheWin · 24/04/2019 18:05

If my 12 year old daughter was sending f*cked up shit like that to boys I'd want to know. Then again, maybe she has had some sort of home problems...maybe speaking with the school and having them have a word with her would be wise, rather than the parents.

That aside, maybe she didn't send the texts, maybe her friends did as a joke. That I could well believe. Still disgusting but...

Hopefully your sons chat with her will be enough though, maybe wait and see how things pan out with him handling it his way first. It seems he has been very mature about things, good on him. Make sure to have the sex chat with him though as it sounds like his new missus might be a little...quick off the mark with that sort of stuff.

Ratatatouille · 24/04/2019 18:07

There's also a definite worry over how she knows this stuff. She is very young. Is she being shown inappropriate images etc by an adult? Could she be at risk in her home or online? It needs reporting to the school as a safeguarding issue.

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 18:07

The problem I have is that it’s one-way.... she is sending these sexual messages to him. He is not reciprocating at all. If it was simply chat and silliness that’s one thing but her choice of words and expressions - along with persistent attempts to talk about her body or his.. it’s as if she is trying to goad a response out of him.

OP posts:

Ratatatouille · 24/04/2019 18:09

She's 12, OP. You've got to stop blaming her with this talk of her "baiting" or "goading" him. Are you implying that she's trying to get him into some kind of trouble?

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 18:09

I have wondered that too. She did make two comments which were slightly worrying. One about a boy wanting to share her bed when she was 7 (she didn’t say how old he was or that anything happened). My son just replied ‘that’s just odd’ and then changed the subject. She also mentions an older cousin who told her “all about sex” when they had been camping.
Nothing really report-worthy but she is absolutely getting her language from someone and/or pornography and that’s very worrying.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 24/04/2019 18:11

Op you must report this. You cannot ignore it.

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 18:11

I appreciate its hard to understand the dynamic of the conversations without seeing them. And yes, I do think she is baiting him to respond. She has alluded to friends at school screen-shotting messages and sharing them to embarrass each other. Is it so hard to believe she’s trying to get a reaction out of him?

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 24/04/2019 18:12

All the more reason to report it why are you not doing so? Unbelievable!

notsosureaboutthatthough · 24/04/2019 18:13

STRaight to the school.

And I do not agree with above that it is a safe way to experiment at all?! What if her son wasn’t such a nice kid and responded with sexual images or worse asked her to go ahead and do these things?! Hardly safe.

You have done a good job with your son

notsosureaboutthatthough · 24/04/2019 18:14

There would be uproar if this was a boy sending to a girl !!

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 18:14

Yes I agree and my main worry now is for her, having read and considered the comments here. I am going to have a word with the school if DS saying ‘stop’ is not having an effect. I get that it’s a load of chat/nonsense in many ways but I can’t shake the feeling I’d be less compassionate if it were a boy texting my DD this way.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 24/04/2019 18:15

No, you need to tell school anyway regardless of whether she stops.

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 18:16

Yes I completely agree... I have a daughter too. I’m challenging myself because the more I think about it, it’s unfair to expect our sons to ‘put up with’ or just side-step sexual content where we would absolutely be up in arms about it if it were my daughter!

OP posts:

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