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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help! Girl sending sexual texts to my 13 yo son :(

59 replies

Nevertoolate14 · 24/04/2019 13:08

My son is nearly 14 and has recently started with his first girlfriend he sees at school. She’s in the year below.
We randomly check his phone (he knows this) and I’ve been so shocked and sad this week to find that this girl - who seems perfectly nice in person - is persistently trying to sext him.. making salacious remarks and trying to get him to talk sex almost constantly. “You’re the only person I want to shag”, “my friends say you should make me cum on the slide at the playpark”, “shall I tell you about how short my shorts are..” etc etc ....
Thankfully every single comment was shut down immediately by him by changing the topic or just saying ‘oh ok’ then making his excuses to go offline.
I was so angry at first but cooled off, took him for a walk and we chatted about it. I asked him about her and his feelings for her and what he thinks about her texts. He said he finds it “annoying” and that he really likes her. He says this is typical of how the kids talk to each other at school. I think he has realised that this is not ok, and gradually we are separating out ‘mum and dad just don’t want me having a girlfriend’ from ‘mum and dad don’t want me being sexual on text with my girlfriend at this age’ but it has taken a lot of difficult conversations and heartache on my part. I’ve just felt like his bubble of innocence has finally burst and I’ve been jettisoned into the world of parenting a teen.
I don’t want to be monitoring his phone but until he’s 16, I will be, periodically. He’s not allowed to delete anything and I’ve told him he will never get into trouble for what someone else says or does but that he also needs to reset some boundaries with the girl.
He sent her a msg yesterday asking her to stop referring to her body and sex all the time and that he just wants to get to know her for who she is.
I was proud of him but it was almost word for word what I’d suggested so I’m not sure how much he meant it lol!!
Can anyone who has been in a similar situation help me? I don’t have friends with teens this age and I don’t want to be ‘that’ controlling mother but I can’t shake off the feeling a 12-year old girl shouldn’t be doing this... it feels like baiting him. My DH pointed out if it was a boy texting our daughter, we would have contacted his parents by now!
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks

OP posts:

Hanumantelpiece · 24/04/2019 18:16

This sounds very difficult, and it sounds as though you're dealing with it calmly and sensitively.
I can remember being a teen at school and peer pressure to have sex was ride in all year groups. Most of my friends had boyfriends at 12/13, many had had sex by 15 at the oldest. A classmate left to have a baby at 14, didn't return from maternity leave as she got pregnant again.
This was London in the 1980s.
Sexual harassment was par for the course, and the general consensus was "stop making a fuss"

I hope you're able to resolve this, OP

AnneTwackie · 24/04/2019 18:18

Report to school safeguarding team, they know how to deal with it

tinytemper66 · 24/04/2019 18:20

School could get the local Police beat officer in to give an assembly in sexting etc.
We have had them in the last few months so pupils are aware of consequences.

Downthecanal · 24/04/2019 18:21

If 100% want to know if one of my girls has been doing this because I’d need to sit her down and have a serious chat with her. I’d feel I’d failed massively as a parent and would really want to help her before she went too far. I’d be so upset and embarrassed for the boy too. And I’d be furious if a boy has been doing the same to one of mine.

Your lad sounds lovely.

I’d have to approach the school if I was you

BlueJag · 24/04/2019 18:22

We have a 13 year old ds. I would be absolutely horrified if a girl had send text like that to him. She is so young and on her way to get into trouble.
Our son isn't interested in having a proper girlfriend. He has a very close girl friend that he adores from primary but things are super slow an appropriate. I don't think they have hold hands yet.
I'll be tempted to find her parents. I personally would like to know if she were my dd.
You have a great boy at home.

Downthecanal · 24/04/2019 18:24

Also If I was that girls parents I’d be really worried at why she has sexual imaginations. It could point to sexual abuse.

CatInTheYacht · 24/04/2019 18:25

Yep I'm 34 and remember saying stuff like that to strangers in chat room too.

I despair at what my teenage boys must see /hear.

Lightheart · 24/04/2019 18:25

I wouldn't mention her specifically but maybe tell the school you know some in appropriate behaviour/language is occurring and suggest an assembly/lesson to teach kids the dangers and boundaries, unfortunately not all children are taught this at home.
But also I used to send texts like that and worse at 13/14 mainly because I thought it made me cool to know and talk about sex and had no real idea of the gravity of what I was discussing

Treesthemovie · 24/04/2019 18:26

Has the girl possibly been sexually abused? At 12 this seems really unusual.

NaBiAgOl · 24/04/2019 18:29

Tell your son that this is not normal. He may not respond now but in a year or so this could lead him to think that girls do want this.

My dd is 16 and at your son's age I can assure you it was the other way around and I think that is far more normal so I'd worry that this girl is getting really sad messages from home/society/peers, or maybe that is hwo a previous ''boyfriend'' lead the romantic conversations.

It is unusual to see the problem this way around but still, important to make sure your son knows that girls aren't really looking for this, they sometimes presume the boys want it.

BlueJag · 24/04/2019 18:32

@SoHotADragonRetired I have a 13 year old boy. I can tell you I'll be very worried and upset for this girl.
Somebody it's going to take advantage of her very soon and she is 12 years old.
My friend also a 13 year old girl told me a another girl from school had anal tearing because some older boy told her that's what girls did. She was in agony.
You have to keep an eye and protect them from themselves.

SevenSeasofRye · 24/04/2019 18:32

It's really good you are able to have that conversation with your son and he is being open. This girl is setting herself up for abuse by other boys who will take what they can get. Do you not think they are both far too young to be going out with each other? They are children. I would have a word with the head of year at her school, but you don't want your son to be blamed if there are investigations. It's difficult. Not normal behaviour for such a young girl, and very sad.

SevenSeasofRye · 24/04/2019 18:33

That's appalling BueJag. What sort of world are we living in where girls feel they have to have anal sex with boys at school?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 24/04/2019 18:34

I read from your posts that you feel the gf may be trying to provoke a response from your son? It may be she is seeking validation of her behaviour, or it may be she is being encouraged by 'friends'. He is behaving very well but it wouldn't hurt to remind him that anything he texts back can be retrieved and shared! I'm not sure of the best way to stop this but contacting the school would be a good start - have you discussed this with your son so he is aware what you plan? If this progresses to photos then a crime will be committed.

Ratatatouille · 24/04/2019 18:48

She also mentions an older cousin who told her “all about sex” when they had been camping. Nothing really report-worthy

OP, this is majorly report-worthy. This is a huge red flag, especially given the messages she is sending but to be honest it's worrying enough on its own. Is this cousin male?

I don't think it's particularly helpful to speculate on "if this were a boy sending messages to a girl then XYZ". The risks involved for a boy Vs a girl being the unwilling recipient of this kind of attention are very different. A girl is many, many more times likely to be raped/coerced into sex or otherwise physically sexually assaulted, and she also bears the risk of a child/teen pregnancy.

BlueJag · 24/04/2019 19:11

@SevenSeasofRye unfortunately I have more examples from my friends with girls. So many awful tales. Many are getting their info from rough sex online.
Blow jobs are basically kissing. Just vile. I'm keeping a close eye on my teen.
Many boys are takin anal like it's normal.

SevenSeasofRye · 24/04/2019 23:55

Blue that just makes me sick. No wonder so many girls are self harming or have depression.

Lentils · 25/04/2019 15:39

@Nevertoolate14 if you go to the school, make sure your son knows you are doing it and why. We went through similar-ish (though reversed) and my dd was very angry at what she considered a breach of trust and I'm still working to get it back. I agree with others - teen talk is so sexualised these days - and the girls are just as "bad" as the boys. Some of the girls really think this is what boys want. Sadly, our children have been poisoned by easy access to porn - also a norm (by y7) and there aren't really any good role models of healthy, happy teen relationships out there. And - your ds sounds wonderful! My dd's bf asked her pretty much from day 1 to sext.

Original poster

Nevertoolate14 · 25/04/2019 17:50

Thanks @Lentils - what happened when you spoke with the school about it?

OP posts:

mcmen71 · 25/04/2019 18:21

lentils is this boy still her bf after asking your dd to sext from day 1

Lentils · 26/04/2019 09:53

@nevertoolate14 - they were sympathetic, but unless I wanted to go to police there was not much they could do. Also I needed the nudes themselves which my dd refused to give up.

@mcmen71 yes and it has been absolute hell. It has twisted and warped her view of sex as the bf obviously views porn but therapist says she has to sort it herself and all we can do is be there for her.

SallyWD · 26/04/2019 09:58

My God ages only 12? At 12 I was playing with Barbies. I knew about sex but not in such detail as this girl! It's a little sad she's grown up so quickly.

Lentils · 26/04/2019 11:03

Brace yourself then for teenage years @SallyWD - they grow up very quickly these days. It's appalling and sad and cuts across class / money / race. Our children have been truly poisoned by pornification / sexualisation of everything - don;t think I am being too dramatic either.

waterrat · 26/04/2019 11:31

This girl is vulnerable to being sexually exploited. She is a child putting herself at risk.

Stop the angry feelings and think about how you would feel if she was your child or neice.

If she was my daughter and I found out later that you had known she was sending sexualised messages like this and you hadn't told me I would be distressed.

What if she gets into trouble with strangers online?

I actually agree with other comments that 12 year olds hve always pushed boundaries etc but the problem is she is putting herself at risk if she behaves like this online.

waterrat · 26/04/2019 11:33

I don't think anyone needs to be 'up in arms' - just concerned and protective of ALL the children involved.

I guaruntee - from my own memories of school - that she will be writing those texts with help from her friends. It might be worth reminding him that other girls probably see everything he writes.

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