DS 18 blames us for ruining his life

[Kongcat]

DS has just about broken my heart today. A bit of background, he’s 18 and after sailing through his GCSEs with no work at 16 took 4 A Levels, maths science etc. Back at the first parents evening at AS Level we and him were told he was doing really badly, no work ethic and basically just messing around. He had no inclination to go to Uni and no idea what he wanted to do. We supported him, paying for driving lessons etc and told him he needed to pull his socks up. He continued to do the bare mimimum of work, always in bed till lunchtime and on the Xbox until late at night. We gave him until the following Easter to shape up and things came to a crunch in the April Easter holidays and after him spending the two weeks sleeping and gaming we pretty much gave him the ultimatum of finding a part time job to help pay for the car he was now driving about.
Reluctantly he took a job but of course this was a few weeks before his exams started. He felt he’d done badly at his exams so we urged him to apply for apprenticeships as a back up plan.
Results day came and he did very badly so in the September took an apprenticeship that he had applied for. He’s been at the apprenticeship now for nearly a year - he’s enjoying it and having a great salary, bought a lovely car but he’s seeing all his friends now applying to university.
Now he decides to say that it was our fault he failed his AS levels, because we forced him to take a job around his exams. He can’t see that the very low level of work he did through the year affected his exam outcome - it’s all due to the fact we put our feet down and forced him to get a job.
It’s clearly eating away at him, his attitude towards us has been awful for a while.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I feel terrible. I know that at the time he didn’t appear to be putting work in, that we were at the end of our tethers with him.
Now it’s all our fault - he feels he should have been allowed to coast through and supported through the whole of his a levels.
We suspected it would have been a waste of 2 years.
He says no, he’d have pulled it out of the bag and now it’s ruined his chances of doing what he wants with his life.

viques 🤣😂

Kongcat. You’re being daft. Shall I slap you with a wet fish?! 🤣

He’s 18, everything is your fault! It’s worth an eye roll, nothing more.

I do think it was completely unreasonable to make him get a job a few weeks before his exams because you couldn’t see him putting in any effort. You should have waited until after his exams. He might have done better or he might not, but it would have all been totally on his head. He did well on his GCSE’s, I can see why he feels resentful Yes, I know you said 10/12 hours, not 24 but he was 17 (and unsurprisingly) got shirty about it and did more.

He probably could have done better even with the job, but now he’ll never know, and tbh I think he’s allowed to feel resentful about that.

I wouldn’t apologise though. The last thing you need is for him to feel even more justified in his stropping!

I would say something like ‘DS, we told you to study or get a job. You chose to get a job. We told you 10/12 hours, you did 24. You could have quit the job anytime and studied instead. We understand our role as your parents is piss you off & give you something to rebel against, but at 18, it’s time to grow up and stop blaming the world around you for your choices.

You have an excellent apprenticeship, on good money. If you want to study alongside that ask them what opportunity there is to do that, or do it in your own time.

Yes, I’m sure your mates are all discussing moving out to go to uni & freshers week and all that, but they’ll all be moaning about being broke before long. Plus, there’s nothing to stop you moving out & living with some students if that’s what you want.

We will help you as much as we can to decide what you want to do & help with whatever you want to do’

Keep calm.

And stop thinking he thinks you’ve ruined his life. You haven’t & he doesn’t. He’s just kicking off at life and you’re a convenient soft target!

(Give me toddlers any day!!)

He's 18. How can his life possibly be ruined? He has barely even started it!

If he wants to go to university of course he can. I'm in a different country so a different system but I'm still willing to put money on it being possible. If he's worked out what it is he wants to do then he now needs to start putting his plan in action. He may decide to finish his apprenticeship - another string to his bow and also may provide financing options for him. Or he may decide to cut his losses and start on this new course of action. But whatever he does he needs to cop on that he is responsible for where he is, but more importantly he is responsible for where he goes next.

for you - the guilt tripping nonsense kids come up with does my head in. Not a great indication of maturity even now it has to be said. But I wish him well.

I'm 50 - can I blame my parents for not forcing me to take up the university place that I was offered? Instead they let me take a year out, get a job and stay in work .... I don't have a sterling career though, and I probably would have had a wonderful career if I'd got a degree ...

Kids can say some cruel things.

When DD was a teen she said some hurtful shit.

'Why hasn't dad got a better job/proper career like my friends dads?'

'Why don't YOU knit stuff, and bake cakes from scratch like Sammie's mom? Are you not capable or just lazy?'

And when I said once that I wouldn't expect her to look after me when I'm old and infirm, she said 'Good coz I won't.'

Horrible little cow.

She is really a nice young woman now who treats me very well, and has said - a few times - that I would always be welcome in her home if I couldn't look after myself, and she will take care of me.

So maybe we shouldn't take things to heart that teens say!

He is way better off doing what's he's doing now than going to uni and coming out with hardly any prospects (which a lot of them are doing now). Well done you for putting your foot down ! So many don't.

I think it was very odd of you to make him get a job at that stage of his A-levels.

BS.

You did the right thing. No way would I have allowed him to stay in bed till lunch and game the rest of the time.

FWIW DH did an apprenticeship and I went to Uni. Until recently he earned far more than me and his work are now allowing him out one day a week to do his degree and paying for it so he may have the last laugh over his mates if he gets his head down now.

My friend did the same to her son, she made him get a job, he was also fucking about, and articulated it to us as he had to have a work ethic and earn.

My husband and I's view was education is their job, our daughter was the same age, but clearly we listened and said nothing. They obviously thought they were doing a good thing by making him work.

Come time, yes he tanked his a levels and went for an apprenticeship, my daughter didn't, she did her degree and is now gainfully employed post that.

Would he have passed his a levels if he had not been distracted by work? Said job it should be said, gave him the income, which coupled with the car, gave him a freedom many other teens don't have and subsequently even more distractions. It was more than the job, it was the job, the car, and the disposable income.

it's unlikely but he might have passed if they hadn't done it , but,,,, you don't know that without the job and with all his friends doubling down, he might also have at crunch time,, and we remain of the view that making kids get jobs at the time of their a levels isn't wise.

If you're faced with kid not focusing on his education but who has he ability, then the answer is not to make them focus even less, by getting them a car and making them undertake a min wage job.

Sorry op.

I'd have got rid of the X-box and the WiFi before starting in on the job but apart from that he has to own this. He would have been told by his teachers that he couldn't coast A-levels because they are so much harder. He'd have been told this many, many times. He chose not to listen.

DD1 had a couple of people in her Yr12 who were like that - they failed Yr12 and had to retake it and they regret it bitterly - but they don't blame their parents.

I would ignore. There might be an option to do HND/ degree on the strength of his course when he finishes it. Too bad he'll miss out on uni but if he was v lazy it might not have suited him anyway.
In a year or so he will probably be more than happy where he is and much better off than former school mates.

Yes, I know you said 10/12 hours, not 24 but he was 17 (and unsurprisingly) got shirty about it and did more

This I think is common at this age in this scenario, because of the increased disposable income yiu get with increased hours, so they have the car, and if they work twelve hours then they jist pay for the car, so by working more they then get to pay for their social lives too. And get to be mr popular with the car, and invited to everything.

It really is completely predictable, give an unfocused kid a car and money, and they are off with their mates, their education is the last thing they want to deal with.

@Bluntness - but give the same kid the choice of a degree and ‘freedom’ of uni with accompanying debt...

I think perfectly reasonable to encourage kids to work rather than school if they are not gonna put efforts into studying.

They can always go to night school or you can support them in further education college later. I think they are much more likely to choose a degree sensibly and work harder in this case.

Lots of kids do a part time job while doing their A-levels and still do well? I wouldn’t want to rub salt in his wound too much but if his attitude continues then I’d remind him of this...

Apprenticeships can still lead to further and higher ed. Not sure what it is in but sil did hers, first pt study for a btec (a level equivalent) over 3 years then her company paid for her to study pt for her engineering degree, she received a salary throughout and just after graduating (getting a big salary rise as a graduation gift from her company!) she bought a house! We have a friend currently on that path, he's currently on the higher education certificate stage with 4 more years to get the full degree.

At the end of the day it sounds like he'll end up with a better job and prospects than many people who do degrees. Try not to let it get to you, my 19 yr old DS blames me for everything, I think it's just what they do at this age. Remind him that he has a good apprenticeship and can probably do a part time degree at some point so you probably did him a favour (not that you are to blame for his lack of studying!)

He should go back and study. I did this and went to uni at 21. Older and wiser and could handle my drink more

That apprenticeship is probably worth more than many of the useless courses some study at university. He's starting out ahead, and will find it much easier to do his degree later.

There is a lot of ridiculous snobbery about apprenticeship in the UK.

To be fair, telling him to get a job before his exams was n’t good timing.

He's being a complete arse and you know it. Now he just needs to realise it.

Yanbu op you sound lovely, in the kindest way tell your DC to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming everyone else for his problems or it will continue later in life and he will never take responsibility and always find a way to pin the blame on someone else, only speaking from experience. My not so lovely sil whom we are no contact with always had everything she wanted, always blamed other people for her poor choices and actions and played the victim. Shes a mum now and still does it