DS 18 blames us for ruining his life

[Kongcat]

DS has just about broken my heart today. A bit of background, he’s 18 and after sailing through his GCSEs with no work at 16 took 4 A Levels, maths science etc. Back at the first parents evening at AS Level we and him were told he was doing really badly, no work ethic and basically just messing around. He had no inclination to go to Uni and no idea what he wanted to do. We supported him, paying for driving lessons etc and told him he needed to pull his socks up. He continued to do the bare mimimum of work, always in bed till lunchtime and on the Xbox until late at night. We gave him until the following Easter to shape up and things came to a crunch in the April Easter holidays and after him spending the two weeks sleeping and gaming we pretty much gave him the ultimatum of finding a part time job to help pay for the car he was now driving about.
Reluctantly he took a job but of course this was a few weeks before his exams started. He felt he’d done badly at his exams so we urged him to apply for apprenticeships as a back up plan.
Results day came and he did very badly so in the September took an apprenticeship that he had applied for. He’s been at the apprenticeship now for nearly a year - he’s enjoying it and having a great salary, bought a lovely car but he’s seeing all his friends now applying to university.
Now he decides to say that it was our fault he failed his AS levels, because we forced him to take a job around his exams. He can’t see that the very low level of work he did through the year affected his exam outcome - it’s all due to the fact we put our feet down and forced him to get a job.
It’s clearly eating away at him, his attitude towards us has been awful for a while.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I feel terrible. I know that at the time he didn’t appear to be putting work in, that we were at the end of our tethers with him.
Now it’s all our fault - he feels he should have been allowed to coast through and supported through the whole of his a levels.
We suspected it would have been a waste of 2 years.
He says no, he’d have pulled it out of the bag and now it’s ruined his chances of doing what he wants with his life.

Many college students work part-time and do A-levels. He knows deep down he fucked up I suspect but it's easier to blame you than take any responsibility. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by him over this.

He's only 18! He can always go back and study for retakes and head towards university if that's what he really wants to do.

Personally, I think a four year paid apprenticeship with an electrical engineering qualification by the end of it sounds really good. He is being paid, gaining skills on the job, and also working towards a qualification -- which he doesn't have to get a loan out to do. At the end, he'll be extremely employable and he'll have a reference, hopefully a good one, or even a permanent job with his employer. Maybe you could ask him a bit about where he thinks he could be in four years time compared to his friends who did degrees?

But if he really wants to go back and retake and study, I'd offer to support him in doing that. There is more to university than just studying and he may feel he is missing out on the whole 'experience', which I can understand.

In a few years his friends will leave uni and have to find work, while he has an established career path, earnings and no debt. When he moans just sigh and change the subject.

Absolutely this. As for the moaning about his results, well, poor choices have consequences. Looks like he thought he could busk his ASs as he had his GCSEs. Plenty of people make that sort of mistake, he needs to own it.

Interestingly nowadays some firms are rejecting recruits with degrees and rather taking on students with A-levels or to do apprenticeships.

DH is a partner at an accountancy firm. I also trained in the same profession. When we were training and, indeed until a couple of years ago, the favoured way of training was to go to university and then be accepted on a graduate training scheme. Now DH’s firm prefers to take A-level students or apprentices. One person has just qualified as an accountant having come in with just A-levels, at least 2 years ahead of someone at the same age with a degree, and with no student debt.

In a few years his friends will leave uni and have to find work, while he has an established career path, earnings and no debt. When he moans just sigh and change the subject.

This. I was actually quite similar to your son in that I breezed through my Standard Grades (GCSEs) with no effort and when I tried the same tactic for my Highers (A Levels), I passed two out of five. I didn't go to university, I went into the workforce and by the time I was 22, I was on track for a good career in Higher Education administration and my friends who went to uni either struggled to get a job or had to immediately retrain.

I'm now almost 29 with a good job, good salary, a degree that I did online via a brick university and I'm halfway through a part time Masters. It was hard at the time and I felt like a failure but I'm genuinely glad I took the route I did.

What is the “great salary”?

I’m all for apprenticeships. He’s not looking long term, but then he perhaps hasn’t developed the ability to do that yet. He’s going to have finished his apprenticeship and have a stable job and on the up by the time his friends have just about graduated and flung themselves into the world of grad schemes (or not sometimes)
He is experiencing regret. And looking for someone else to blame. Remind him of the investment he is making now.

I would point out to him that he can study again at any stage and go to university when ever he wants. It was his choice not to study for his A levels and to work 24 hours a week. Tell him he always has your support and that you are there for him what ever he decides. Ask him how he would feel if he had continued and not worked for his A levels and did not have the apprenticeship. This way he still has options.

He is responsible for his own destiny, it’s a harsh lesson but he can’t spend his life blaming others for everything that goes wrong.

Tbh, the timing of the part time job wasn’t ideal. I had a friend at school whose parents ‘bought’ her a car in sixth form. Made her work in McDonald’s to pay for it. She was never going to get great a levels, but the pressure to make car pay,ents didn’t help.

I would have taken the car away, and the Xbox😬. But my daughter in seven, so easy for me to say now!!!!!

Did you actually manage to read my whole post @notacooldad cause I’m not sure you understood my point

Yes I did, you are saying he is still young and can still study.
However he is not a child.

People moan on here that a female over the age of i8 isn't a 'girl,' same here, the DS shouldn't be referred to as a child.

To be fair, you as his parents have only messed up the first 18 years of his life naughty of you, but assuming that he lives to be 90 he has a long while still to either mess up the rest of his life for himself or do things that enhance his existence on the planet. Either way he needs to put your appalling parenting behind him and get on with it.

It was indeed a bad time to get a job I can't understand the thinking there at all. However he is doing OK now so onwards and upwards

I did my A levels in late teens and early twenties after leaving school at 16. I worked while doing them, because I was too old to live at home and not contribute. I got good enough results to get into Cambridge, where I read law.

Your son may find he does well in his work, and loves it, but why in the world does he imagine his chances of university are now over at the tender age of 18? What's to stop him doing A levels part time, as well as an apprenticeship, or when it's done and he's qualified? He could even find an employer would sponsor him through, so he'd have far less debt.

One of my younger half brothers dropped out of an accounting degree because he hated it, and only did it to please our father. He then did an electricians apprenticeship, and did well. Was earning good money. He decided, in his mid 20s, that he would go back to university to study engineering, because amazing money at 25 isn't at 45, and his progression in salary terms was limited. Since going to university he's pulled in amazing results, because years in the workplace instilled an incredibly improved work ethic. It was the making of him.

I also suspect he wants to go to university because he sees it as years of partying, in which case he'll end up with a poor degree, a mountain of debt, and without improved prospects. The electrical engineering apprenticeship sounds brilliant.

Your son is at the very start of his life. He has years ahead for university, if that's what he wants to do, and this apprenticeship, if he takes it seriously, can only smooth his path.

I'd let him resent you (though not treat you badly). That's what parents are for, at his age. I do think the job was a bad idea at that stage, and some kids do pull amazing results off last minute, but he was not behaving well either, and to shuffle all the blame on you is awfully convenient. But he's only 18. Surly adolescents are the norm, I think. It will pass.

My son flunked at A level, he was lazy, difficult to discipline & we went through hell & back.
He eventually got on an apprenticeship which was much more motivational & he stuck with it & is now earning around 60K a year & working 6 months a year.

He was actually between jobs at one point & on the job boards for his work, he was contacted by his present employer specifically because he has done the apprenticeship route.
An ending that I would never have imagined when he was dead loss 16yr old

TBH you don’t sound as if you were very supportive parents! Lots of DC slack off during A-levels and parents are responsible for getting their children back on track.

Your DS is behaving like a spoilt, entitled child and not a young adult.

If he was not putting the work in, job or not, he would have been unlikely to do well. If he had behaved responsibly and been studying, you wouldn't have asked him to get a job. He could have decided not to take a job and lose the car if he was so concerned about not being able to study as he was working. He could have taken on few hours, as you suggested. He did none of those things, and now has the consequences of that.

As it stands, with your encouragement to apply for apprenticeship he has landed on his feet. If he wants to go back and do AS/A levels, he can do so. There is nothing stopping him. Though I would also say the apprenticeship in electrical engineering, if with a good company, may well be the making of him if he sticks in. They may even pay for him to do a degree if they think he is worth investing in. But if it's really not what he wants to do, then it is up to him to find the thing he DOES want to do and work towards that/make it happen. It's his life, his future and only he can make it happen.

He is trying to avoid taking any responsibility and laying the blame at your door. I wouldn't be having any of it, and I'd be telling him so. And why.

Nonsense. Many students have part time jobs while studying for A Levels, my own two daughters included although they only worked on a Saturday. He was already failing and being lazy before you insisted on him contributing towards the car. No guarantees he would have worked any harder and does he really want to end up 10s of thousands in debt if he is not self motivated which it sounds like he isn't. If he did not get on with A Levels what makes him think he can do a degree? He may well bum around for 3 years and end up with £40k of student loan debt and a third class degree and then have to look for a job. This way he is gaining experience and qualifications and getting paid for it and no debt. Not everyone is cut out for University and if he struggled with AS levels then it was probably not for him anyway. Easy for him to say it is your fault but part of being an adult is taking responsibility for their own actions. Don't pander to it. Tell him to organise evening classes for AS levels and A levels if he is that bothered but if he is lazy he won't. Ridiculous to say at 18 his life is ruined.

My DS did no work in 6th form, failed his AS levels and left. He started an engineering apprenticeship with day release for a BTEC. He decided that engineering wasn't for him but stuck it out to get the qualifications. He is now at university studying a different subject and having a great time. When interviewed by the university it was cleat that they liked his apprentice past.
What I'm saying is that your DS is probably gaining qualifications in his current role and could use them without having to redo a levels..
As for blaming you, yes I'm there at the moment with my younger DS. Everything is my fault. However he is 18 and I am telling him that actions have consequences.....he is failing because he isn't putting the work in.
That said, it's hard parenting teenagers, they are all over the place with hormones and emotions and it is an emotional roller coaster for the parents as well. Hang in there, lots of us in similar situations.

Good grief learning about a good work ethic is usually done by about 14, if he couldn't be bothered that's hs fault.
He can do an access course instead of A levels if he wants to, an still go to uni.
Suggest this and tell him he's not lost out on anything, it's up to him to sort his life out, he's an adult.

He's going to be in a far better position than his friends in three years time. He needs that pointing out to him. Established career, no debt, nice car, if he saves he could be buying a house. He's already more successful than they are.

I am surprised you put your foot down over him getting a job before you took away the xBox / turned the WiFi off at a reasonable hour.

And that cars seem to be prioritised. Supported him by buying him a car before he had even left school?

But no matter, he was also feckless and took no responsibility, AND is now doing really well.

Sit down and have a talk about what is important in his life. Ask him what his life would now be like had he flunked his A levels, watching his friends go to Uni while he had no prospects?

My OH moved from North West London to South East London so the youngest (then 14) could go to a particular school. A school which is very specialised (music etc) and entirely about what 14yr old wanted to do.
He loved the school, loved his course, but complained that he didn't like where they were living, it was away from his mates and where he'd lived all his life. Hated living there, hated everything. As they do at that age.
Fast forward, he's now 20, working in the industry he loves (which his dad does too) and they've moved back to North London. And l think with a bit of maturity under his belt he's realised that his dad did it for the best reasons (his mum and dad are divorced, and she refused to move, so he'd have been travelling across London every day, which his dad wasn't too happy about). They get on fine, they have the connection of similar jobs which are also an interest for them both and he's as happy as Larry.
Your son's fortunate that he has youth on his side. My ex's daughter agonised about going to university, she didn't really want to, but all her friends were doing it and she felt like she 'should'. lnstead she got a very good apprenticeship (£14k starting salary in the North of England, and she got a £2k pay rise last year) and she loves it.
lf your son isn't happy, now is the time to do something about it while he's young and single and unencumbered by responsiblities like mortgages, etc.
We have to make our own mistakes. l've made plenty in my life, nobody else's mistakes teach us anything. He can do anything he wants to do - it just takes a bit of effort and wanting to do it. You can be a sounding board for him, but they're his choices to make.

The job of parents is to produce kind, thoughtful and responsible young people with good social skills and all the basic life skills to function well and efficiently in independent adult life.

So he needs to be able to cook, clean, tidy up, use the washing machine, hang out his clothes, get a good work-leisure balance etc to a good standard and not be useless and selfish.

So basically the more responsibility he has the better and then he will learn that blaming others for his own laziness is immature.

Self entitled and self centered ...OP you have nothing at all to reproach yourself for...dry your tears..he will grow up one day.

At that age, everything is always in their mind "the parents' fault"

I know someone who flunked their Highers because they'd done no work Their parents supported them to go to college to re-sit them. They dropped out because they'd "been forced to study subjects they weren't interested in"

They were then supported by their parents to go to College to study for an HND. Failed the exams because they hadn't done any work Repeated year. Ditto

Went to another college to do a different subject because they'd been "forced" to do something they weren't interested in . Rinse and repeat

To be fair, and to finish on a positive, many years later, they are now self-employed and doing well - but for at least 10 years (from c16 to 26 year old), it was all their parents' "fault"

He has a bunch of good GCSEs, a years apprenticeship behind him and his life is ruined... by you obviously. Really??!

I think he’s in a great place right now and perhaps with more maturity he will be ready to go to university.