DS 18 blames us for ruining his life

[Kongcat]

DS has just about broken my heart today. A bit of background, he’s 18 and after sailing through his GCSEs with no work at 16 took 4 A Levels, maths science etc. Back at the first parents evening at AS Level we and him were told he was doing really badly, no work ethic and basically just messing around. He had no inclination to go to Uni and no idea what he wanted to do. We supported him, paying for driving lessons etc and told him he needed to pull his socks up. He continued to do the bare mimimum of work, always in bed till lunchtime and on the Xbox until late at night. We gave him until the following Easter to shape up and things came to a crunch in the April Easter holidays and after him spending the two weeks sleeping and gaming we pretty much gave him the ultimatum of finding a part time job to help pay for the car he was now driving about.
Reluctantly he took a job but of course this was a few weeks before his exams started. He felt he’d done badly at his exams so we urged him to apply for apprenticeships as a back up plan.
Results day came and he did very badly so in the September took an apprenticeship that he had applied for. He’s been at the apprenticeship now for nearly a year - he’s enjoying it and having a great salary, bought a lovely car but he’s seeing all his friends now applying to university.
Now he decides to say that it was our fault he failed his AS levels, because we forced him to take a job around his exams. He can’t see that the very low level of work he did through the year affected his exam outcome - it’s all due to the fact we put our feet down and forced him to get a job.
It’s clearly eating away at him, his attitude towards us has been awful for a while.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I feel terrible. I know that at the time he didn’t appear to be putting work in, that we were at the end of our tethers with him.
Now it’s all our fault - he feels he should have been allowed to coast through and supported through the whole of his a levels.
We suspected it would have been a waste of 2 years.
He says no, he’d have pulled it out of the bag and now it’s ruined his chances of doing what he wants with his life.

[snowdrop6]

I've seen 3 of mine through A levels ,the last is sitting his exams this year.ive got to say ,we expressively told our kids to do nothing but study ,and not worry about earning money as they have their whole life for that..yes I do think you were unfair making him get a job before exams.it Would of made more sense to make him get one after,possibly use the car as a reward..

[Justonemorepancake]

He should have either a) worked harder sooner or b) said no, I can't manage a job so I'll sell the car.
He sounds incredibly entitled. Let's hope he soon realises he's an adult and stops sulking.

[IvanaPee]

He’s a child, he has years to go back and study if he wants to.

His words to you now are that of an immature, spoiled brat and I have to be honest, I do think you and dh share some of the blame with that.

Why did he have an Xbox to game on all night? Why did he have a car to drive around in? For me, both of those would have been dependent on him doing well at college.

[MutantDisco]

He will grow up in time, OP. You gave him every opportunity to do well and he screwed up his chances.

His anger is projection. He's realised that he fucked up but hasn't got the requisite maturity to admit it to himself. It's a process he has to go through.

Let him project away. He can retake A-levels/do an access course at any point in the future, by which stage he might have a more mature approach to studying and will do well at uni.

[YogaWannabe]

Why are you even wasting your energy worrying about this?
He sounds like a spoilt little shit who needs to man up and accept responsibility.
Don’t pander to this nonsense

[Justonemorepancake]

I'd moved out of home at 17 and had a 20 hour a week job but still managed to pass my a-levels- not great results but enough to get to uni as that's what I wanted to do so I grafted. At 17 you are capable of working out consequences for being idle.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He failed his AS levels because of a lack of preparation and proper application on his part so it is unfair of him to blame you for that. He did not have to take so many hours either; he chose to do that and no-one forced him to work so many.

His 4 year apprenticeship now will serve him well particularly if he gains additional qualifications in that field.

[notacooldad]

He’s a child, he has years to go back and study if he wants to
Is he heck a child.
Sure he can go back to study if he wants.
I was in the same position with Ds1 who was the class clown but I made him own his behaviour. No one made him act like a twat, he did that himself and was reminded of that.
By calling an 18 year old a child or having that attitude seems to encourage entitlement.
I'm seeing this attitude with friends and their adult kids.i. hearing excuses for bad behaviour followed by " well , he's only 20!! (23 in some cases)

[Yabbers]

I wouldn’t encourage him to go back and study. He’ll do just as well as an apprentice engineer, university won’t give him any advantage.

Just keep reminding him he was already failing and you warned him what would happen. If he wants to change his life he can. I really would give him a “yeah, whatever” response.

I’d also point out he might only have got the apprenticeship because he had proven he was responsible enough to have a part time job.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Dear God is this what Snowflakes are like these days. He needs to grow the fuck up! Its not the end of the world, he can re-take what exams he needs to, but he has to put the work in. Blaming you is just BS. Do Not blame yourself - he sounds like a selfish brat! He is clearly immature and may well come right over time! And by the way many of us worked while studying and did fine - you need to put the work in!

[LimitIsUp]

He needs to own responsibility for his own mistakes - you don't need telling this, or maybe you do? - but you are certainly not responsible for how things have turned out

Show him this thread

[EleanorLavish]

OP, sit down and have a chat with him.
He needs to really, properly do some grown up thinking.
Does he really want to go back to a levels/studying now?
Or finish the apprenticeship?
Either way he needs to grow up, the world doesn't wait for you, it moves on without you.
Lesson learned here anyway.

[amusedbush]

He's being a petulant baby and he needs to grow the fuck up. Don't be sad or upset by what he's saying, tell him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't your fault. His poor results are a product of his poor preparation.

[SweetPetrichor]

Remind him that there is absolutely nothing stopping him getting the qualifications to go to uni, if he feels he can and he wants to do it. He has plenty options. It's not your fault he didn't put the work in, and honestly, had he gone into uni after coasting through school, he probably would have hit a brick wall there anyway. He needs to take responsibility for his own learning.

[PussGirl]

You did not cause this, he did. He knows this & feels bad, so is trying to blame you rather than accept responsibility himself.


He probably hears tales of wild partying & fun at Uni & is jealous, whereas his mates are most likely envying him his spending power & guaranteed job.

[PleaseFormAQueue]

I disagree with the majority. What teenager ever studied because their parent told them to?

[AnneOfCleanTables]

He's whining. Ignore him. If he seriously wants to reconsider his life, then he can go to college and then on to uni.
I do think you chose an odd time to put your foot down. I'd have stopped the all-night gaming, not bought him a car, etc, before I made him get a job. But if he had stopped the gaming and messing about earlier then you wouldn't have made him get a job. He made poor choices that had consequences. He needs to learn that lesson not blame you.

[Knittedfairies]

I suspect that he's angry his poor results (his fault) have denied him the experience of student life. He's just joined the grown-ups sooner than he wanted to.

[LoveYouLovely]

Making him get a job at that time wasn't a great idea.... but, from what you say, I doubt it had any impact whatsoever on his exam results.
He is being immature and teenagery, trying to pin his regrets on you. You sound like exemplary parents (if a little obsessed with car ownership?!?!?).
He can always go to university later in life. My brother went at 29, having worked hard for many years he realised that there is a 'glass ceiling' for engineers- he had to have a degree to progress in his career- and he quite fancied a change. He had a whale of a time - and is now a very senior and responsible engineer with a lovely family.

[NotSorry]

my DSS did badly at school (rubbish school tbf) - he then went to work for a few years - went to night school, took his a-levels and then did a degree - it's never too late - he needs to stop whining and decide what he wants to do

[BrendasUmbrella]

He's 18, not 48. If he wants to go back and do his A Levels he can.

[Playmytune]

How can he have been in the apprenticeship for nearly a year if he started in September??? This is March!

[LondonJax]

Well, he can take his A levels again when he's got a mortgage, kids, a full time job and a commute - like many mature students do on a part time basis either by distance learning or at college. Then he'll find out what working and studying actually means. Of course he could work and study! It's hardly like he's also got to do his own laundry, make his own food, do his own shopping. He's only got to get off his backside and work then study. Like millions of us did and still do today.

[IvanaPee]

By calling an 18 year old a child or having that attitude seems to encourage entitlement.

Did you actually manage to read my whole post @notacooldad cause I’m not sure you understood my point. 🙄🙄🙄

[TheBigFatMermaid]

he’s bitter that we forced him to find a job which ultimately made him fail his AS levels.

At our house, as that age, you either study, or if you refuse to study, you knuckle down and get a job!

He was not studying, he needed to get a job! It's all very well him saying 'he would have pulled it out the bag', you only had the evidence before your eyes to deal with.