How do I deal with this message sent to a friend from my teen?

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Name changed as friends and family know my mumsnet user and I wouldn’t like them to see this if I’m honest.

I was doing a routine check on my daughters phone when I found this message to a close friend of hers , not sure what to do about it

‘ I don’t know what to do anymore , I feel so much like a disappointment and failure. I get good grades but others get better , I try to revise but I cant seem to motivate myself to do so and it’s the same with homework and I’m so thankful for you helping me with the hwk otherwise I’d have bucketloads more detentions. I never know what I, doing In lessons and feel stupid when I ask. I talk and talk and I don’t know why but it’s making me lose friends becUse they don’t want to listen when I call their name or their scared I will blab something. I sometimes am more interested in unscrewing my pen than listening to a test date and it’s killing me. Losing my phone , earpods, forgetting books and i hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like this horrible disrespectful kid because I shout out stupid comments and talk and never know what I’m doing and I’m not , I mean I know I’m only in year 7 but it hurts so much to think hardly any teachers like you and think your just a huge problem but I don’t mean to be. I’m sorry for ruining your learning , I don’t mean to and your my bets friend I’d never do it on purpose and I know you probs don’t care but I do. I need u to help me please , I can’t deal with this. I what kids and teachers to like me and not find me annoying . ThNks for everything you do for me , love you best friend

Does she know that you’ve seen it?

I’m not sure , she knows I do routine checks so I assume she may know or it may have accidentally been saved ( this was a Snapchat message so she could’ve accidentally clicked it so save)

Have they ever been assessed for ADHD?

I would also look into hiring a tutor for the main subjects they struggle with.

I’d tell you e found it and speak to her gently. Maybe a tutor might help?

How old is she and does she know you read her messages?

I presume she's 11-12 if I'm year 7? I would give her a huge hug. I'd tell her gently that you'd seen the message (your not snooping if she knows you check regularly) and see how she reacts. Maybe have a chat with her form tutor?

Are there signs she is struggling?

Aged 12 and she knows I read her messages weekly as that is the terms otherwise she knows she loses her phone until she allows it. I am not very familiar with adhd so no she hasn’t been assessed. I will definitely look into a tutor

@boredboredboredbored I’m not exactly sure , I know she never does homework or revision at home and that I sometimes get annoyed because she talks too much or too fast or is glued to the iPad for hours. Not any signs I know of though if I’m honest either that or I’ve not taken enough notice.

What bored said - massive hug, talk it through and if she feels like additional help would benefit - try it/talk to school etc.

You need to make sure her mental well-being is ok before you put more pressure on her getting a tutor, I'm Autistic and pretty sure ADD, I really found it hard to concentrate and I still do! I would have crumbled if the pressure was put on me with a tutor

Agree with others.
A hug, talk it through, and see what more support you need to give at home, plus strategies for school.
Then an email to school saying she's indicated she feels she is struggling and please can tutor poll her teachers to see how they feel.

She could just be 'catastrophising' but best to make sure.
While looking up ADHD, also look up dyspraxia.

Maybe do homework with her before she does iPad (if you have time)? Maybe practice sitting still and quietly for 1 min then 5 min? Is there anything she can do to stop speaking - like writing down what she would otherwise say (that might get her in less trouble)? Then maybe her questions can be brought to teacher if not addressed in class?

Does the teacher mention any concern over learning disability? I don’t really know the process to get diagnosis/additional help.

Does she have any tics (in case of emerging Tourettes). Tell her she has been very perceptive and there may be some underlying diagnoses that it could help her to know about - then go to the senco and or gp and ask for adhd screening or assessment, especially noting the impact on self esteem. If no ADHD, push for ed psych assessment (may still have a patchy cognitive profile).

I doubt school would provide help though due to the fact homework is usually handed in due to help from peers. No concern over learning disability I don’t think anyway ( don’t they usually have tests to screen things like this at the start of year 7) she’s quite clever from my perspective but doesn’t put in effort. Don’t think she has any tics. Had a look and says adhd usually shows before age 12 but I don’t think she was like this in primary although I could’ve missed things

Thanks @namenic they seem like good tactics , will possibly speak to school

ADHD - sounds like my son. Luckily he has been diagnosed and understands the condition to a degree (as much as an 9 year old can) but anxiety is a huge issue and he is aware that he is different. He does similar things but can't always stop himself. Has made and lost many friends. Feels stupid and isolated but we just support him as best we can. I would definitely take your daughter (it's harder to spot in girls as they tend to mask the symptoms better) to your go and start the process - it'll be a fair/long wait but worth it if it's diagnosed. Medication has helped my son immensely with being able
To concentrate for longer at school and churn out some good work. He is at the expected attainment level for his age but receives addition support in class.

Whatever happens just keep talking to her and let her know she can always come to you. So much in the news regarding CAMH we need to keep our young ppl talking.

My DD is year7 and she too struggles with the pressures of school, being organised, friendships, teachers etc. I talk to her about it and be supportive. I try to help with being organised, achieving better in school & outside, focussing on positives and not making the negatives too important. It's quite hard and I can only hope she's not hiding feelings from me.

I think you should tell her what you found and be very gentle & supportive. Encourage her to talk to you and bring her problems to you. Sometimes just venting is the solution. Mental heath of teenage girls is quite delicate & getting worse due to social media.

Hope you work put a way.

Bless her.

When do you'talk' to her?
I talk to my year 6 in the car as that's when we have 121 time and my Y7 at bedtime when I say good night.
Be gentle and try not to trigger any accusations of being judge or negative(an impossible feat with some teens as anything a parent says is wrong).

Break it down for her, ask her how you can help her be more organised and focused.

Neither of mine have iPads or tv during the school week. Sometimes kids need the rules to help them learn to regulate. If their homework is done they have free reign all weekend.

There will always be others who are better that you, that is life.

Year 7 is about learning how to revise, it isn't something you just know.
BBC bitesize has got revision topics and there are KS3 work books for various subjects that break each topic down and give quizzes etc, maybe suggest getting those. We have small notecard that my DD used for notes to revise from.

Behaviour in class could be adhd but might just be insecurity.
It is worth speaking to the head of year about her message and how the school can support your daughter to make better behaviour choices.

I talk to her when I do the pickup from school which can usually be up to 15 minutes.I feel like even if I did take away electronics she’d end up doing something else not homework I’m not sure though , I might try it

Have her tested for ADD/ADHD. Maybe also dyscalculia as it can present with disorganisation and lack of focus.

Pay and go private. Time is of the essence.

Sorry erm about adhd , how long would it take to not go private and anything I can do to help her now ?? How much is it to go private ?

She is describing ADHD symptoms. Please look into this and advocate for her. My partner was assessed as an adult and it made his life a nightmre until then.

For us it was less than £500 to go private for several sessions, including assessment and then more sessions to stabilise on medication, although medication may not be needed. They can refer you for coaching and counselling, which can be really useful.

Talk to school first. She could be hugely over exaggerating so that the friend reassured her. Might well only have been a couple of homeworks. Chances are you’d be well aware of this level of misbehaviour so I wouldn’t worry if nobody else has raised it.

She should not have Snapchat as she is not 13. Social media platforms seem to have the impact of amplifying all feelings.

I am a year 7 tutor and it would be really helpful to read that about a child in my form or indeed about a child I taught - it shows impressive levels of self awareness and a caring nature and could change perceptions of staff who were dealing with poor behaviour. It would also help me to point you towards any school support/ accessment. I would email it to the tutor- ask if an internal report would be a good idea to check how teachers view her behaviour ( she may be being hard on herself) and then go in for a chat.